Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, its characters or its settings

So another uneventful day of class. They've figured out that I've got pretty much everything but kido down, so I'm in the workout sections for the other stuff. To fill the rest of my schedule they put me in four separate and very intense kido courses. Not fun, kids, not fun at all.

Especially when some hound of hell signed me up for the etiquette course – the worse part is I don't know if it was that bastard Byakuya or Rukia or Retsu or who the hell else did it.

Not doing very well in that one, either. Anyway, it had been a long day, another long day, and after a meal I suspect was poisoned I'd made it back to my room.

That's where I got the fright of my life.

Soi Fon doing cosplay of a Naruto character? Okay, whatever. Retsu, Isane and Hanataro telling me the truth about fourth division? I can handle that too.

Hisagi wearing nothing but a speedo and vegetable oil?

That surprised me.

"H-Hisagi?"

"Hi Ichigo, long time no see. You want to play some beach volleyball?"

"Volleyball?"

"Yup."

He actually had a volleyball with him, I hadn't noticed that before. Maybe because he was practically naked?

"I - ah - guess so.” What else could I say, 'Dude, you're dripping oil on my floor?' “Any particular reason?"

He grinned at me.

"Ninth division would be a great place for you, Ichigo. You're tall, you're young, you've got a smooth firm body-"

"I have a what?"

He looked at me like I didn't understand what he was saying. Then he laughed.

"For joining ninth division! It's a requirement!"

"Pardon me? Why?"

"Because we're the homoerotic division!"

"You're the what?"

"The homoerotic division."

"You're all gay?"

"No Ichigo,” he said it like he'd been asked that question before, “that would be homosexual. I said homoerotic."

"Doesn't that mean-"

"The company of other men, doing sexy, athletic things. Beach volleyball, Greco-Roman wrestling, oiling up and posing down like bodybuilders, wearing speedos, sparring with our shirts off, that sort of thing. Sometimes slapping eachother on the ass during team sports or engaging in manly hugs."

"Manly hugs?"

"Manly hugs."

Guys in skimpy bathing suits exchanging manly hugs? "And you do this on purpose?"

"We're very popular," Hisagi said. "The Shinigami Woman's society often sends people by to watch our activities-"

"They write slash!" And he was still dripping oil on my floor!

"It's not so bad-"

"What - the slash?"

"You should try it before you knock it, Ichigo. Come down to the beach, take your shirt off, we can wax you-"

"Wax me?"

"Too much body hair is hardly erotic Ichigo. We'll shave your pits, give you a nice sports wax-"

"A sports wax?" Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought the Vice Captain of Ninth Division would suggest a procedure like that to me. If you don't know what it is then I'm certainly not going to tell you. One hint though, ever met a girl who – ah – visited a certain South American country? Same thing, except, uh – not.

No, no sports wax. Not now, not ever. And no one is shaving my bloody armpits or any other damn thing, either.

"It's our invitational tournament on Saturday,” continues Hisagi, “all the guys will be there. There'll be prizes for the winning team, for the best oiling and pose-down, best ass slap and best man hug."

"Will there be a man-boobs competition too?"

"No there won't be a man-boobs competition. Be serious Ichigo."

He says that and he's got that tattoo on his face.

"We're expecting big things again this year – I remember this time, back before you came to Soul Society. It was the semi-finals, and me and Captain Tosen in our speedos against Captain Kuchiki and Renji - those tattoos, man,” Shuhui shook his head and smiled. “Man, they gave Renji an edge. The other game was Zaraki and Ikkaku against Toshiro and Captain Ukitake. We got rained out and couldn't hold the finals, but it was all good clean fun!"

My mind's eye sees naked Shinigami, and this is not a good thing.

"I'm not sure I'm interested in that sort of fun-"

Hisagi isn't listening, he's in some little world of his own. "Of course it helps to stick a banana down your trunks. Apparently Ikkaku told Captain Hitsugaya a potato worked too, but he's young and no one told him it was supposed to go at the front-"

Great, that's an image I wanted etched in my mind forever! My traitor brain was building this whole horrible scene; I'm going to need bleach to make this one go away. I'll drink it if I have to - Byakuya and Renji shucked down and playing beach volleyball?

He was still talking- "I miss Captain Tosen," continued Hisagi. "Now there was a man who knew homoerotic. With those braids-

"Uh, yeah, right," I said. "Let me get back to you on the tournament, Hisagi. I'll check my calendar."

He was still in reminiscence mode “-I remember our first tournament like it was yesterday. Captain Tosen and I had taken a trip to the moral world – there was this movie called Top Gun, and it had a volleyball scene-”

Finally he seemed to figure I didn't think this was a good idea, Hisagi looked kind of nervous all of a sudden. "I could really use your help Ichigo. I need a partner and with Captain Tosen gone I've got no one to team with-"

“What about Iba?”

“Iba? Oh come on. Get real.”

Okay, I could see that.

“It's just I don't want to forfeit my own tournament-”

"I'll uh - I'll think about that."

Hisagi beams at me. "Great! Looking forward to seeing you there!"

He walked by me, this vegetable oil covered mostly-naked guy-

And slaps me on the ass as he walks out.

I'm standing there trying to process this. Hisagi just slapped me on the ass. Leaving, I might add, a very difficult-to-explain greasy hand print on my pants. And this isn't some Rukia-sized chick paw, this is a man-sized hand. I can hear Hisagi saying hello to people in the hall – people who saw this nearly naked oil-covered man leaving my room! Say, Vice Captain, that's an interesting tattoo! Why are you so thoroughly lubricated sir? Oh, this? I was just visiting my good friend Ichigo-

Even Rukia won't want to go out with me!

What the hell will be next, the Twelfth Squad Ungodly Nudist Collective? I really thought they'd got me with the Cosplay squad, but a homoerotic division?

Now I've heard everything. At least until tomorrow, when they'll hit me with something else. So that night I went to bed, comfortable in the knowledge that the dresser I'd pushed in front of the door would keep the shinigami out.

If you must know, Hisagi was a man down so yes, I played in the damn volleyball tournament. Let me just say that volleyball is a really stupid sport for people who can flashstep. And no, I didn't get anything shaved, waxed or otherwise removed. And yes, we made it as far as the semi-finals before we were rained out, courtesy of the Shiros. At least I think it was the Shiros; somebody did some kind of water kido and that was the end of it. Given the Shiros were getting creamed by Ikkaku and Zaraki at the time, I'm thinking them. That or one of the ladies decided they wanted a look at Byakuya with water streaming down his well-oiled chest.

Hisagi and I had just busted through the team of Mayuri and that guy with the crank on the side of his head. There were the two courts going, the first had me and Hisagi in our speedos against Byakuya and Renji in their loincloths. Renji and Byakuya were red hot, having just shot down Kira and Omaeda from second division in the quarter finals. The other court had Team Shiro taking on Zaraki and Ikkaku. Sheer coincidence the matches were basically the same as that time Hisagi had talked about.

At least Team Shiro were wearing speedos; Zaraki and Ikkaku had skimpy loincloths like Byakuya and Renji. There were asscheeks everywhere you looked, way too much man-butt.

Hitsugaya had gotten his stuffing right this year, though I doubt he was fooling anyone. It's like, little dude, maybe Rangiku isn't the best source of advice on something like that?

And yes, the ladies were all very appreciative of our undersized swimsuits (especially Yoruichi and Matsumoto, who'd both been into the sake). Retsu, Isane and a bunch of other women from fourth hung around all day too, that made me nervous. Rukia wasn't there – she says Byakuya locks her in her bedroom on that day every year. So we all spent the rest of the day drinking Sake.

Drinking practically naked I might add, because someone stole my damn clothes while I was playing. Hisagi slapped me on the ass about ten times and the women's society was whooping it up every time he did. Trust me man, ninth division is not in the cards. Normally I'm not afraid to walk home alone, but some of the things the women's society said-

I can't even describe that day. Picture Byakuya standing there beside the damn pineapple, all austere and stuffy and naked but for a loincloth and that damn Kensigan. Renji has his hair down and blowing in the breeze and the ladies are screaming and those bastards got more applause than us-

And let me say this about that, I'm betting if we'd stopped by the sixth division kitchens we'd have found all the potatoes in the place had gone missing around the time team six left for the tournament.

Stupid pineapple baboon bastard.