=-=-=

“Ranma No BAKA!” Mallet-sama swung true, connecting with my idiot fiancé and sending him sailing off towards Tokyo Bay, leaving me frustrated and… well frustrated. God, I wish I could find time alone with that jerk so we could actually do something besides yell at each other.

I blame his father, mostly. If he hadn’t engaged Ranma to all those other women, none of this would have been a problem. But then again, I don’t know. Maybe it took the competition with the other girls to make me admit that I wanted to win, that I wanted him. Sure, I might have been scared of boys at one time, but now… I still hate boys. But I love Ranma.

Why was it this boy caused me so much frustration? There really was no resolution to the fiancée problem, though. No matter how many angles I examined the problem from (and had Nabiki examine it, at great expense), the tangles were just too great to really ever get away cleanly. Unless the others gave up on him willingly, we’d remained deadlocked in this stupid battle for his heart. I know I’ve already won, but they just won’t admit it. I’ve seen the look in Ranma’s eyes right before I mallet him.

It really makes me shiver.

I wonder how it happened that he chose me out of all the women he’s got hanging around him. Xian Pu’s got a body that is really only topped by Ranma’s female self. Ukyo’s sweet and nice and got a hint of naughty that sort of makes me tingle. Kodachi’s just freaky.

And I sure as hell can’t cook, and while I’m okay at martial arts, I haven’t devoted enough time to them to really be as good as any of my rivals.

So I’ve often pondered what made Ranma pick me. I’m not sure, but I think it comes down to the fact that I’m pretty much a huge pervert.

It took me a long time to realize it and an even longer time to admit it. One day a long time ago, before I realize that I did love Ranma, I was gossiping with my girlfriends and we, as always, start talking about sex. Or more appropriately, we talked about my lack of it, which they didn’t understand, given how hunky my fiancé was. But I hadn’t known Ranma very long at that point, and given the only boy who’d really expressed interest in me up to that point was Kuno, sex was something other people had, not me.

So, in stead they started chatting about their sexcapades. Yuki was talking about how Hiroshi had been so kinky the night before. She pretended to be shy about it, but we both knew the game. She just wanted us to ask her questions so she could draw out the story about what he’d done. In the end, he’d just been a bit rough with her during sex, holding her wrists against the bed and been a bit more forceful than normal.

I remember thinking, “What? Really? Was that it?” I was really kind of disappointed. That sounded pretty normal to me. Hell, I’d even expect it. If any man I loved would be too much of a pussy to take control, he probably wasn’t worth my time. To me, kinky inspires visions of tentacle monsters, leather, donkey punches, Dirty Carlos’s, and other degrading acts so filthy that no one could possibly enjoy them.

But it got me thinking. And more importantly, reading. I started reading some of Nabiki’s shojo manga. Man, what a boring load of tripe. Sure, the romance seemed nice, but a sweet guy waiting on your every desire hand and foot? Boring. The stuff they put out for boys was much better. Bondage, toys, submission, fluids everywhere afterwards… That was the stuff I liked.

Then it dawned on me. I’d always accused Ranma of being a huge pervert. He wasn’t. He was pretty much a “normal” boy, considering. Happosai was a pervert. I asked him one time why he never groped me or my sisters, and why he seemed to prefer Ranma. His answer surprised me.

Basically, Kasumi was too pure and it hurt him to touch her. Nabiki was too money hungry and he really didn’t get much of a buzz of her. He didn’t touch me, on the other hand, because he was afraid of me because he could see my inner freak, and he didn’t want to wake it up.

Happosai? Afraid of a girl?

Yeah. Go figure.

So, I’m looking to awaken my “inner freak,” as Granddaddy Happosai called it. But there’s no way in hell anyone would ever leave us alone for long enough to actually “get in trouble.”

Wait. If I did this, and turned just so… It could work. I’d just need to test it out, and then set everything up.

“Hey Kasumi?”

“Yes, Akane?”

“I’m going to head out, okay? I’ll be back in about an hour.”

=-=-=

“Hey Kasumi!”

“Yes, Ranma-kun?” The long-haired home maker poked her head out of the kitchen, frowning at the sight of the still damn Ranma-chan slipping off her shoes at the entrance. “Ara! Did Akane hit you into the bay again?”

“Yeah.” The red-head shrugged. “No biggie, though. I guess I had it comin’, seeing as how I made her made again.” Ranma looked around. “Hey, it’s kinda quiet. Where’s the macho-chick?”

Kasumi clucked her tongue. “That’s not nice, Ranma. You shouldn’t call her names like that. And you wonder why she gets so mad at you.”

Ranma just smirked. “It’s okay. So, where is she?”

“After she sent you away, she said she had to go somewhere. She’ll be back in about an hour.”

Ranma looked disappointed, but kept it too herself. “Oh, right then. Guess I’ll go clean up. That bay is just filthy.”

=-=-=-

Akane hummed lightly to herself as she tied the apron on around her waist. She set the ingredients out on the kitchen counter, just like Kasumi had showed her. She almost giggled when she thought about Ranma’s face when he saw what she’d cooked for him. She opened the cook book to a random page, scanned through the recipe, and decided that it was too bland for tonight’s meal.

“Akane?” Kasumi stepped nervously into the kitchen, glancing warily at the apron around her waist. Ranma had gotten it as a gag gift for her, but Akane adored the red apron with the radiation warning emblazoned on it.

“Yes, Kasumi?” Akane proceeded to dump some ingredients into a bowl and mix them vigorously.

“Are you cooking tonight?”

“Yeah!” She reached for some flour and poured in the bowl. “I’m going to make a Sichuan hot pot!”

Kasumi blink. And then she blinked again. “Oh. Well, Tofu and I have a date tonight, so I won’t be joining you. I’m so very sorry.”

Akane nearly dropped the bowl as she gushed, “a date? Really! WOW!!! When did he ask you out?”

Kasumi blushed. “Um… recently?”

Akane gave her eldest sister a big hug. “That’s great! I’m sad you won’t be here tonight, but enjoy your date, okay?”

Kasumi nodded. “I will. I just have to go get ready now, okay? Try not to make too much of a mess.”

“I won’t!” Akane was already concentrating on her work, ignoring her sister as she muttered to herself. “Hey Kasumi?”

The oldest Tendo poked her head back inside the kitchen. “Yes?”

“Can you call Nabiki and ask if she’ll be home for dinner? I need to know how many I’m cooking for.”

Kasumi blinked. Then her brain rebooted. “Oh, right. I’ll call right away.”

=-=-=-

“Tofu?”

“Ka-ka—ka-kasumi! What a surprise! Why are you calling at this time of the night?”

“Akane is cooking.”

“Oh.” Tofu’s voice sounded much more in control. “Should I call hazmat?”

“Later. Right now, you are taking me on a date.”

“I am?”

“Yes.”

“I am?”

“Tofu, if you ever want a shot with me, you better own up and get me out of here before I see Akane destroy my kitchen again. Pick me up in 30 minutes.”

“Um… Right.”

Kasumi hung up the phone and dialed Nabiki’s cellphone.

“Tendo.”

“Nabiki? It’s Kasumi.”

“Oh, hey sis. What’s up?”

Kasumi took a deep breath. “We have a code-red.”

She heard swearing. “Got it. I’ll scramble the authorities.”

=-=-=-=

It was incredibly quiet in the Tendo Dojo. Ranma slipped out of the bathroom, not hearing any of the normal sounds he usually associated with the house. The clack of the shogi tiles was missing, as was the soft sound of J-Pop emanating from Nabiki’s room. There was a steady rumble and clanging sound coming from the living room.

“Akane?”

“In here, Ranma!”

Wait. That sounded like it was coming from the kitchen… “Are you cooking?” He headed down the hall and poked his head in, only to pull it back as a glob of… something… splattered on the door jamb next to him. He eeped.

“Yeap! Just wait! This is going to be the best meal ever!”

“Where is everyone else?”

Akane was busy trying to cram a Dutch oven into the oven with her foot. The pot, or rather, it’s contents, was fighting back valiantly, but unfortunately Akane was stronger and managed to force it into the chamber and slammed the door on it. The door shuddered as the “meal” tried to escape, but Akane was ready. She pulled out a crowbar and braced it against the door, wedging it between the floor and the oven door to prevent it from opening.

“Nabiki didn’t come home from the University. She said something about some sort of party. Daddy and Uncle Saotome said they had some sort of local council business to take care of, and Kasumi’s got a date with Tofu tonight!”

“Really? Wow! When did he ask her out?”

“She said it was all happened very recently.”

A resounding thud came from the oven door, but the crowbar held.

“Ah… What are you making, exactly?” Ranma asked.

“Oh, a Chinese dish! It should be pretty good. It’s got lots of peppers in it!” Akane looked at a clock on the wall. “Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes. I’m going to go change, okay? Be good and watch this to make sure it doesn’t get out.”

Ranma was at a loss for how he was supposed to answer that request.

Akane gave him a brilliant smile and walked out of the room, heading upstairs to change.

=-=-=-

Ranma sat nervously at the table, holding one chopstick in each hand as he twitched with each roar and thump that came from the kitchen.

He heard Akane call, “You ready to eat, Ranma?”

He gulped.

The kitchen door opened, and Akane came in holding the Dutch oven out away from her body, the lid tied down with chains. She placed it proudly on the table, where it quivered. “Careful, the chains are hot.”

The doorbell rang. Ranma gave a sigh of relief, while Akane just looked really irritated. With a huff she stood up. “I’ll get it.” When she returned, she looked even more annoyed, and Ranma could see why. Behind Akane came Xian Pu and Ukyo, each carrying a take-out box of food from their respective restaurants.

Ranma banged his forehead on the table. “What are you guys doing here?”

Ukyo’s expression was pretty dark, neatly matching that of Xian Pu’s. “A romantic dinner at home alone with your fiancé? Do you think you’d get away with that, Akane?”

Ranma piped in. “Look, a dinner with Akane, particularly one she cooked, in never romantic. It’s frightening.”

Akane nailed him on the back of the head.

“Hey, what was that for?” He inhaled sharply, his nostrils flaring. He sprang to his feet, standing nose to nose with her as he glared into her eyes intently.

She just stared back, her lips curled in a slight snarl. “You insulted my cooking!”

“Well, your cooking sucks!”

Forehead to forehead, the tension was only broken when Xian Pu opened her to go box and put out several bowls of steaming ramen. Not to be outdone, Ukyo hurriedly opened her own box and displayed the giant okonomiyaki within, the words “I love Ran-chan” written in mayonnaise across the top.

Both smirked at Akane. “Let’s see what kitchen destroyer make, ne?” Xian Pu taunted.

With a huff, Akane turned away from Ranma and dug out a key from her pocket. With a flourish, she undid the pad lock that held the chains in place. Nothing happened for a moment, but the lid of the Dutch oven exploded upwards and got lodged in the ceiling. Purple tentacles shot out of the opening, wrapping the surprised Xian Pu and Ukyo up before either could react. Ranma was used to this kind of thing and grabbed Akane before the tentacle monster got her. Throwing her over his shoulder, he hesitated for a moment and then grabbed the okonomiyaki, too. Food in one hand and Akane over his other shoulder, he skedaddled, running towards the outer wall of the Dojo.

Once clear of the wall and away from the source of danger, he put her down and asked, “Jesus, Akane! What was that?”

She smirked. “Sichuan Hotpot – Inferno Road edition.” She grabbed the Okonomiyaki out of his hand and tore off a piece. She popped it in her mouth with a smile. “You want some?”

“Umm… You’re not more upset?”

She chewed thoughtfully. “Naw… It should keep them occupied for at least a few hours.”

“At least?”

She nodded. They started chatting and eating as they walked, earlier anger completely forgotten. Grateful that he didn’t have to eat that “dinner,” Ranma munched happily on his half of the okonomiyaki and enjoyed the evening. They had only been walking for about thirty minutes when Akane pulled him into a building.

Liking the last bits of food off his fingers, he glanced around and blinked. Akane was busy reading the panel in front of her that displayed pictures of a variety of different rooms. Some where lit and some where dark, but it didn’t take Akane long to press one of the buttons on the display panel. The display for that room went dark.

Pulling on his hand, she went buy a small deposit window and dropped in a wad of cash. The tray pulled back, and when it returned it had a key on it.

“Come on.” She pulled him up the stairs, almost running in her haste. She scanned the room numbers that lined the hall as she walked until she found the one that matched her key. It took her a moment to get the door open in her haste, but once there she literally threw Ranma through the door and onto the bed.

“Akane?”

She was busy shucking her clothes. Ranma’s body twitched in response.

“What’s going on?”

Now fully naked, she crawled onto the bed. “What do you think you idiot? Get naked. We’ve got the room for three hours, and I fully intend to use every second of it.”

“Right.” Captivated, he just stared at her body.

“I’m waiting!”

“Oh, right!”

=-=-=-

Kasumi came home and nearly cried when she saw the living room. Ukyo and Xian Pu were unconscious and badly beaten in a corner of the room. Akane was covered in bite marks and had faint bruises around her wrists, ankles, and on the back of her legs. Ranma looked like he had been mauled by a wild animal. His hair was a mess, his shirt was torn in places, and his back was covered in scratch marks.

Considering he was currently grappling with some sort of tentacle… thing that was trying to attack Akane, it only made sense.

Ranma heard her gasp and gave her a brief wave, but had to immediately grab the tentacle that made a grab for Kasumi.

“Hey Kasumi! Don’t worry! We’ve got it all under control!”

Akane managed to grab Ukyo’s giant spatula, and with a precise attack, cut the monster into two pieces. It shuddered and emitted a noise like a balloon deflating, eventually dissolving into a pile of purple goo on the tatami mats.

Akane and Ranma gave each other a high-five and beamed.

“So… Um… How was dinner?” Kasumi asked, surveying the damage around her.

“GREAT!” The reply came in stereo.

“I’m going to cook again tomorrow night!” Akane smiled brightly while Ranma nodded his head approvingly.

It was much, much harder to write this for Akane than for Ranma. You can see I was sort of forced to go third person. As always, questions, comments, and reviews appreciated. Tell me what I can do better.

On another note, my other story "Strength of a Horse," seems to have generated a lot of hate mail. I must be doing something write to get such a strong negative opinion.

Thanks, all! If you don't like it, write a better version.