Me: Another story that is less than cheery. Ah, but if these are what come, I welcome them! It’s nice to write something. I won’t be able to for a while, anyway, ‘cause I’m going on hiatus. Against my will, might I add!

S.C.: This is totally your fault. If you didn’t take so long editing everything, you’d have that stupid story done. You wouldn’t have to be taking a month off to write for some contest.

Me: That’s it. Rub salt in the wounds of she who controls your fate.

S.C.: …Has anyone else noticed how unfair life is?
Me: So anyways! This being depressing and very different from my regular style… -blush- Veeery different. You guys get some warnings.

S.C.: Joy of joys. You’re all thrilled, I can tell.

Me: Shut your yap! Ahem. This contains suicidal themes, suggestive themes (implied only—I will never write a lemon without curling up and dying), and some slightly disturbing themes. And lots of cussing.

S.C.: Well, yeah, warn them about cussing. Because you never EVER curse, do you Dai?
Me: And you’re never EVER annoying, are you?

S.C.: …Are you making fun of me?
Me: Quite possibly. By the way, just so you know, I totally made Riku in a comic relief character in this one. He has no luck. Don’t take it personally Riku! I love you!

S.C.: Creeeeeeepyyyyy…

Me: Bah. Anyway, I hope you likes!

0o0o0

A hand landed on the blonde man’s shoulder, making him look up. The face that looked back, the pale, worried face of a friend whose identity was lost somewhere in the fog the drugs put in his mind, was nameless. “He’s coming back,” the girl said softly, and there was fear in her eyes too. Roxas’s mind moved sluggishly, trying to piece her fear together with the return of a ‘he’. There were plenty of ‘he’s. Abusive, cruel, unloved ‘he’s Roxas allowed to do what they wanted. None of them were worth fearing. What could they do?
“Which one?” Roxas asked tiredly, returning the cigarette to his mouth and breathing in more thick, sour smoke. Namine (the name returned suddenly) pressed her lips together in tight silence, and took Roxas’s hand without a word. Roxas’s eyes widened a fraction, fringes of red curling into his memory. “Oh…” He curled up tightly, hurling the poisonous stick away, fingers digging into his hair. The pain cut through his delirium, and he started to shake. “Oh… Oh no…” Namine’s voice buzzed just outside his range of hearing, wild sounds between sobs and screams building up, suffocated, in Roxas’s throat.

“Roxas, please, we can get out of here!” Namine pleaded, trying to get him to uncurl, to listen. “You don’t have to see him. Please… You’re getting better, don’t…” Her voice faded out of Roxas’s mind then, in place of a bitter smile. Better? He was drugging himself into oblivion. The reason nothing hurt was because everything was so unbelievably numb. She was so stupid.

“No,” Roxas sat up suddenly, face deathly calm. Namine flinched at the sight, seeing Roxas’s blue eyes suddenly turn lucid. It was too drastic a change for too little time, too unfamiliar to seem natural. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door. “No, I won’t let that happen.” Namine realized he was going to kick her out, and began to struggle against his grip. Roxas let her go immediately and she gazed up at him, pleading and helpless.

“Roxas, let’s go back to the hospital. Stay this time,” she begged, fingers burying themselves in his shirt. “You don’t believe me, but you can get better! Don’t go to see him! We can run away—we can go anywhere in the world! Anywhere you like! I swear to God, Roxas…” Her devoted intensity shocked Roxas, who smiled at her softly.

“What about your boyfriend… Demyx, right?” Namine shook her head wildly.

“I’ll tell him we’re going on a trip for a while.” Her grip tightened. “We’re just going to get you away from here, Roxas. A change of scenery will do you good.” Roxas looked into her eyes, the eyes of his last friend in the world, and smiled tenderly. He patted her clumsily on the head, like a favorite pet.

“OK, we’ll go,” he told her, watching light return to her pretty eyes. “We can go anywhere… Invite Demyx if you want to. We’ll make it a real road trip!” He let her go, walking through his trashed and dirty apartment to the huge window, where he was bathed in golden light. He spread his arms out, like a bird, and drank it in. “What do you think about going far south? I’ve always wanted to visit Mexico.”
“I’ll get us some passports!” Namine spoke up excitedly, relief evident in her tone. “We can go right away! Come on Roxas!” She took his arm and started to pull him from the house, but he pried himself free.

“Wait, I can’t just go,” he protested. “I have to pack… And say goodbye and stuff.” Namine looked uncertain, but Roxas just smiled at her again. “I’ll meet you at your place tomorrow morning, OK Nami?” She nodded slowly, plainly not wanting to leave, but Roxas shooed her off. “I’ll be there, don’t worry. And get me some of those bagels! I haven’t had any in forever.”
“OK…” Namine paused just in the threshold of his door, still looking worried. “You promise you’ll be there?” Roxas nodded, and she nodded back, trusting him, and then left. The door clicked shut behind her, and the minute it did, Roxas ran straight to the sink, and threw up everything he’d eaten all day. He leaned back, retching horribly, and sagged against the wall, running what was probably the rest of his water, because after a while it just stopped coming. He hadn’t paid the water bill, had he…?

Roxas stumbled away from the sink, shuddering, and to his bedroom. He yanked open the drawer at the top, one that was coated with dust. Inside, pristine and untouched by the smoke and grime of his home, was everything in the world. His fingers shook as he pulled the things out one by one. Letters first, ones covered with tearstains. He remembered—how strange for him to remember anything— crying as he answered each one, forcing himself to be cruel. The cruelty was a kindness, he knew. He brought one, pure white paper marred with a doodle from the one who sent it, and brought it to his lips in a brief kiss, before it went with the others. After that there was a sock, a pack of long expired coffee beans, and a firmly closed box covered with duct tape, courtesy of Roxas. He’d refused to take what was inside of it seriously.

Last was the worst one, like a blow to the stomach. Roxas stumbled away, nearly throwing up again, but he controlled himself and forced his feet to take him back to the picture. He was in it, the him from before, the one with rosy skin and a sweet face and clear eyes. He was scowling up at the other in the picture, to hide the tears he’d wanted to burst into. Taking that picture was another thing preserved in Roxas’s memory like it had happened mere seconds ago. Roxas ran a thumb over the smooth glass of the frame, over the face of the man in the picture with him. Bright red spikes of hair, shamrock green eyes, and the same cocky, carefree smile Roxas remembered. The man had always been smiling, until that last day, where Roxas finally crushed it into nothing. Reminding Roxas of why exactly the drawer had gone unopened for at least a year or two, there was a bandage over one of that man’s cheeks, hiding some wound he didn’t want Roxas to see.

“Axel,” Roxas choked, clutching the image to his chest, like that would stop everything from hurting. He leaned back, banging his back against the cabinet hard, but he barely noticed. “Axel, Axel, Axel…” He repeated, like he was warding away his appearance. He said it like he wanted nothing more than to see him again…

0o0o0

Axel looked at his face in the mirror, scrutinizing. His bright green eyes looked back at him quizzically, demanding he smile. Axel did, face instantly reworked into a smug smirk. It was a familiar sight once again, that smile. Everything in Axel’s life was going great; scratch that—he was living again! It had broken his heart into a thousand pieces when his old boyfriend had chased him off, and Axel had wanted nothing more to die… But his friends, thank God for them, wouldn’t let him. They made him keep trying, and keep living. Before Axel knew it, it wasn’t an imposition anymore, and he was enjoying himself. He was happy now and happy with his life. He had everything he’d ever wanted and more…

Which posed the question of exactly why he was going back to see his abusive, fucked up boyfriend from four years ago. It was a complete and total mystery. Roxas had made it perfectly clear that he never wanted to see Axel again… Once or twice Axel had sent a letter, but he only got the most cutting replies. Roxas, to put it nicely, hoped that Axel would kindly take a few steps into heavy traffic. Why was Axel clinging to the memories of the past?
“Oi! Whatever you’re thinking of, knock it off!” Riku snuck up behind him and slapped Axel over the side of the head. Axel whirled around to glare at him, and found Riku completely unconcerned. “You’re hogging the bathroom,” Riku pointed out, and Axel sent a smack of his own towards the silver-haired boy, who dodged with a smirk. “Hey, what was that for?” He demanded, and Axel rolled his eyes.

“For being an ass, Ri,” he informed him. “What if I was shaving or something? I could have died!” Riku snorted.

“Death by disposable razor,” he remarked. “Quite possibly the saddest death in the world. If that had happened, your fate would be sealed, Axel. I’d be laughing too hard to do anything.” Axel growled, hurling a towel at his friend.

“Screw you, Ri,” he said unhelpfully, and Riku snickered.

“Ah, yes, that’s why we’re here after all!” Riku chirped, dodging another half-hearted punch. “Poor Axel’s all depressed because he’s not getting any! Thus, poor Axel must hunt down the guy who he was once an item w—” This time Riku wasn’t quite fast enough, and Axel got a handful of his silver locks. Riku scowled, closing his mouth, and Axel’s smirk widened.

“That is not what this is about,” Axel clarified, not releasing Riku even when the other man tugged plaintively on his hand. “I just want to see how he’s doing.” Riku rolled his eyes.

“Same thing,” he said flatly, and Axel’s eyes narrowed.

“I can cut your hair, you know,” Axel threatened, and Riku fell into a cowed silence instantly. Riku’s one main fault would have to be vanity—over his long, slightly girly silver hair. He slaved over that hair, saving up his extra money to buy expensive products for it. It had paid off to; he had gorgeous, stop-and-stare worthy hair. He’d been mistaken as some kind of model twice on their trip so far, and if they got waylaid to take one more phone number, Axel was going to kick Riku out of the car.

The point was, Riku wouldn’t try anything for fear of his precious hair being harmed… If Axel dared to cut it, though, he was definitely going to be in deep shit.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Riku hissed playfully, and Axel laughed, letting go of the silver tresses. Riku patted them in place with a satisfied noise, and this time Axel rolled his eyes. “I was just trying to lighten things up, you know.” Riku went on. “You’re sulking. We’re worried about you.” ‘We’ meant Riku and the rest of his friends, who were also Axel’s, not that Riku was schizophrenic. It would have been funny if he was though. They could give him hair care advice.

“Don’t be,” Axel spat out the last of his mouthwash—vile stuff—and left the bathroom. “I’m not in love with the guy anymore, and I’m not coming here to revive some old flame. I just need to see him again.” Riku looked questioning, and Axel shrugged. “I don’t know why. It’s just something I have to do in order to move on.”
“Well, then we’d better get a move on!” Riku joked, still petting at his hair absently. “The other guys’ll kill me if we don’t get back soon and give them all the info.” Axel made a face. Gossip hounds. His friends were all gossip hounds.

“They couldn’t all come!” Axel objected. “I’m nearly broke as it is. And drawing straws is a perfectly fair method of choosing someone to go with!” Riku snickered again.

“You try telling them that!” The man laughed, swinging the bathroom door shut behind him. Axel stuck out his tongue at the door. Riku took longer than he did in the bathroom. Every single time he was in one, it took about an hour for him to get out. Honestly, he was just such a girl! Axel shook his head incredulously, looking out from the hotel window at the city he’d left so long ago. The tiniest of smiles tugged at the corner of his mouth, remembering the giant window he and Roxas had stood by so often, looking over the rooftops from their neat, clean little apartment. “Hey, gorgeous,” Roxas would say, sneaking up behind him, wrapping his arms around Axel’s chest.

“…Hey beautiful,” Axel echoed, fingers drifting up to the glass, and he closed his eyes, wondering again why the hell he was here.

0o0o0

Roxas looked at the load in his arms indifferently. It was worth thousands on the black market, probably, the drugs he’d compiled over the years in useless attempts to forget, to heal, or just to break. He couldn’t recall his exact reason for why he started to take them, except that it was to deal with pain. Whether dealing with it in that way was to preserve life or to end it; that was long erased. At the moment, Roxas wanted his mind to be clear and sharp, regardless of any hurt. He already felt more awake than he had for days, purpose filling him up.

They’d done a shitty job of making things stop hurting anyway.
He threw the drugs into the dumpster, before climbing back up to his apartment, which was nearly rid of the filth it had accumulated thanks to his furious cleaning spree. It reminded him very much of the days he’d spent with Axel now, clean and white. Everything but the smell and the ratty furniture was exactly like it had been... And hell, Roxas was doing his best with the smell. Every window in the place was wide open, sending hot summer air through his home to sweep away the sickly smells of decay and death.

He’d found some of the money Namine left him regularly and used it to pay off the bills he’d accumulated. He wondered how he’d paid for them for the past few years, because he didn’t remember ever doing it. Namine must have, he realized. It was like waking up from a long, long sleep. Roxas was surprised to find out so many things that should have been obvious, and to find so many things unchanged.

He looked around the apartment again, satisfied, and nodded once, before he went off to the bathroom for a shower. He did have company coming, after all. Everything had to look its best.

Humming, Roxas switched on the hot water, and took a shower for the first time in who-knows-how-long.

0o0o0

Axel stared up at the apartment complex with a distinct feeling of foreboding. It still looked just as slum-disgusting as it always had when he’d lived there before. He was willing to bet that it was just as disgusting on the inside too, except for that one apartment; Roxas’s place. The blonde always kept everything meticulously clean… Axel smiled faintly, remembering one time when he’d come home entirely covered in mud. Roxas had made him stay outside, and then come downstairs with a giant hose that Axel had never seen in his life, and tried to clean him off. It had ended up as a wrestling match, the two of them rolling around in separate goals. Roxas’s was to get Axel into the water; Axel’s was to cover Roxas with as much mud as possible.

In the end Axel and Roxas had both been dripping wet, they’d had to pay a fucking huge water bill, and the outside of the building was considerably cleaner.

Axel wondered if anything had changed, running through a thousand scenarios in his mind. Among the worst was catching Roxas with his new boyfriend (the idea of Roxas being single seemed like a physical impossibility; the guy was just too hot) or Roxas having moved. There was no proof he’d be there, was there? Roxas had just stopped answering his letters after a while, and they’d been returned unopened.

“Axel?” Riku asked, jolting him back to the real world. Riku stuck his head out the window of the car, looking concerned. “You going up?” Axel nodded slowly, and started forward, pausing.

“Uh, Riku, I might be a while…” He warned, and Riku gestured to the backseat, which held Riku’s only luggage; a cardboard box.
“More books than I’ve ever read in my life,” Riku informed him. “I’ve got plenty to do… Take as much time as you need.” Axel nodded slowly, smiling ever so slightly. It took a good friend to actually put up with this. “Hey, try not to stay there too long though! At least get back down here before tomorrow.” Axel realized what Riku was implying, and blushed a tiny bit.

“Oh, shut up, Ri,” he grumbled, starting off towards the building. “Don’t get yourself carjacked. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Riku watched his friend go, smiling back.

“I understand if you are tho-o-ough!” He called teasingly, and Axel scowled, flipping him off. He rolled up the window moments later, fishing a book out. He remembered Roxas now more than ever; the familiar building triggering his memory. How many times had Axel called to have him come pick him up because the kid was on another one of his ballistic rampages? Riku’s eyes hardened, remembering the one time Axel had shown up, bloodied and cradling his arm awkwardly, still grinning even when Riku screamed. Riku had been trying so hard to get him to the emergency room, and Axel just kept repeating that he was fine over and over again. Axel’s words, shaky and weak echoed in his mind.

“Don’t blame him, Ri. It’s not his fault…”

Riku’s hands tightened on the book, making the plastic cover crinkle. How could it not be Roxas’s fault? The guy was so screwed up, it wasn’t even funny. He was normal one minute, deceptively sweet and laughing, and then he turned around and did those things to Axel. Axel, his friend since forever; friend to all of his other friends since forever! “Thank God he’s doing this,” Riku hissed, pressing his forehead against the steering wheel, hard. “Thank God he’s letting go… Let him forget that little bastard…!”

0o0o0

Axel knocked on the door tentatively, feeling like he was three years younger, coming to see Roxas after he’d been chased off once again. There was no answer, so he knocked again, harder. He didn’t dare call, because if Roxas knew it was him, he probably wouldn’t open the door at all. Just one glimpse of Roxas’s face was better than nothing. He still got no answer, and Axel bit his lip, knocking a third time. “Um, R—” He began, when the door swung open, and Axel flinched to see who was standing in front of him.

Roxas, the same Roxas from his dreams and nightmares alike, was standing right in front of him, patting his hair dry with a towel around his neck. He had changed a little; his damp hair was the slightest bit longer, and he’d gotten a little taller. He was skinnier than Axel remembered too, and pale, although Axel figured that was more surprise than anything else. He stared down at this person, someone he recognized but barely knew, waiting for the door to slam shut, but instead Roxas stepped to the side calmly, continuing to dry his hair. Axel just looked at him blankly, realizing he recognized the towel, and Roxas nodded. “Come in,” he said, like nothing had ever changed.

Dreamlike, Axel did, shutting the door behind him. He looked around, shocked to see the place so unchanged. A few old things were missing, the furniture was no longer in pristine condition, but he couldn’t see anything new. It looked like someone had taken a picture directly out of his memory and drawn it, just forgetting a few details. Roxas watched him with curiously dark blue eyes. Axel remembered them as much brighter, and not so dull, but maybe it was his memory that was faulty. Maybe he really was coming home again after Roxas had gotten upset again. Maybe his other life was just a dream…

“Do you want anything?” Roxas said suddenly. “I don’t have much right now, but… Wait a second.” Roxas went away while Axel watched, bending down to look in the fridge. He dug around in it for a minute, and when he withdrew he had two cans. He went back over to Axel and held one up, not smiling. “Here. You used to like these, right?” Axel reached out slowly, fingers closing over the cool metal and then further, to brush over Roxas’s fingers. He blinked, surprised with himself, and let go quickly, taking the can. Roxas watched him in silence, popping open his own can. He went over to the sofa, which creaked a protest at the sudden weight when he sat. Axel hesitated, then followed, and they both looked out the huge window, red-tinged sunset coloring the grey of the city. Absently Axel took a sip of his drink, and closed his eyes. Yes, he did like these. He was shocked that Roxas remembered.

“I didn’t think you’d come back,” Roxas spoke up, setting aside his towel. He continued to look out the window, and Axel looked over at him, loving the way the sunset colored Roxas’s face. He really was so pale… Roxas didn’t seem to notice Axel’s gaze. “I thought you were gone for good…” He finally looked over at Axel, sharply. “Why did you come back here?”

Axel flinched first, nearly afraid that Roxas was going to go into a frenzy, like before, but this wasn’t crazed anger. This was regular anger… This was anger at Axel for disobeying Roxas’s wishes and coming back. This was the anger of a person. He broke the gaze first, looking back out the window. “I don’t know.”
“I told you to get out of here.” It was a fact, cold and empty. It showed nothing of how Roxas felt. Nothing about this Roxas right now showed how he felt, except that sharp stare… The person sitting next to Axel was like a ghost. Not Axel’s Roxas. It was a lookalike of the person Axel had loved for so long; it was just another dream.

“Yeah,” Axel replied, sipping more of his drink, letting the carbonated sugars fizz on his tongue. He’d really missed these… He hadn’t had one since he’d left. He wasn’t sure why.

“I hit you. I hate you.” Roxas said again, but his voice was unsure, like he was trying to convince himself. Axel wondered if he was just as confused with himself as Axel was. Why am I here? Axel wondered. What did I come for?

“You did hit me,” Axel said, letting the words, or lack of them, hang in the air.

“Did I ever do anything to make it seem like I wanted you to come back?” Roxas demanded, shifting to glare at Axel. Axel returned it coolly.

“No you didn’t.” He confirmed, and Roxas nodded his head slowly.

“Then why are you here?” Roxas asked, setting down his drink. “Why did you come back here?” Axe; started to say he didn’t know, but Roxas scowled. That was something; a flash of annoyance in those frighteningly dull blue eyes. “You do know. You know who you are, Axel…” Roxas seemed much closer than he had been before, but Axel knew he hadn’t moved. Axel wanted to move, forward, backwards, sideways, and all at once. “Tell me…”

“I had to see you,” Axel responded, feeling hypnotized. Roxas’s eyes were just too dark. They were swallowing him… He wondered distantly if maybe he’d been drugged. Maybe Roxas was going to kill him. “I had to see you again, Roxas.”

“Why?” Roxas looked genuinely baffled, for a minute. Axel nearly groaned. That looked entirely too much like the old Roxas. More memories were coming up and assaulting his senses. “You hate me. I know you do; so why? Are you here to tell me that?” Axel started to shake his head that no, he didn’t hate Roxas, but Roxas didn’t seem to see him. “You can say anything you like, Axel,” Roxas whispered. “I won’t get angry, I swear. I’m better now… Say it. You can go then.”

“I…” Roxas’s eyes lit up as Axel’s mouth moved, in some sick way. He wants to be hated, Axel realized with a shudder. He wants me to tell him that I hate him… Axel struggled with the words, not knowing what he was trying to say. “I…” Roxas leaned up, so that their faces were nearly touching.

“Go on,” his fingers curled gently around Axel’s, chilled from his drink. “Say it. Why are you here?”

“Because I…” Axel felt like he was going to suffocate on his own words. “I can’t stop… Thinking about you.” Roxas blinked, looking surprised, and everything seemed to grind to a halt.

“Me?” He repeated softly. “You can’t stop…” Roxas looked away, things Axel couldn’t recognize swirling around in those cold blue eyes. When Roxas looked up again, they were struggling on the inside, as though someone was trying to stir oil and water together. He began to tremble, and Axel found fear in his gaze. His grip on Axel’s hand tightened. “What do you mean?” He asked, clearly torn up. He’s so different, Axel thought. He wants confirmation from me… The old Roxas avoided that with everything he had. Roxas’s voice began to rise, panic tingeing the tone. “What do you mean?!”

Axel looked at him for a moment longer, unable to think of anything to put his feelings into words. He loved Roxas, and hadn’t stopped for a moment. That warm smile and those soft blue eyes were never off his mind, and the good memories were some of his very favorites. He was scared of Roxas too, though, because Roxas didn’t just hurt Axel, he hurt himself. He was unpredictable. One time the fit had gotten so out of hand, Roxas had woken up halfway though, horrified, and Axel had to hold him down to keep him from trying to hurt himself.

Axel couldn’t predict what Roxas would do next, and that was the problem. There was the real Roxas, the one Axel had been so sure was in love with him, and then the one that overlapped him; crazed and disturbed. That was a monster, the one who had hurt him, and it wasn’t Roxas. Axel could see the difference in action, in words, in every possible way, but he could never tell when that monster was coming out again. And Roxas, the real Roxas, so ruined by the monster that haunted him, was convinced he was doing it and hated himself. It had bled away all the love he’d had for his boyfriend, Axel knew, because the monster hadn’t written the letters Axel had received. Roxas had, and that was what broke Axel’s heart.

Axel was still in love with Roxas, even now. He was terrified of him, of him being changed, of him being so broken. He was so confused. He wanted to run away, back to Riku’s car, and drive so far away that he never thought of this man again. He wanted to hold onto Roxas forever. He wanted to hurt him like he’d been hurt so many times before. He wanted to heal every single little ache on his soul. Deep down, he probably did hate Roxas some too. He loved, he hated, he feared, and he desperately wanted the blonde in front of him; but worst of all, he had no clue which one he felt strongest.

There was nothing he could say. There was nothing Roxas would believe.

Unable to reply, Axel just leaned down and covered the blonde’s mouth with his own, kissing him fiercely. Roxas gasped sharply, and then arched up into it, kissing back with equal fervor. His arms wrapped around Axel, nails digging through the fabric of his shirt to sting against his back just a little. Axel pushed him down against the sofa, hands on either side of Roxas’s face as he did, cradling it. Everything was spinning, and entirely too hot, and all Axel could think was how unbelievably good this felt, and how much he had missed this. Roxas, being there, in his arms, touching and breathing and it just felt so impossibly right.

Axel leaned away for a fraction of a second; gazing into the cloudy eyes of the one he loved. Roxas licked his lips slowly, and Axel nearly smiled. His hands rose, running through Axel’s hair just a little too hard for Axel not to let out a tiny hiss of discomfort. Roxas stopped immediately, a flash of fear in his eyes, like he was being jerked back into the real world. “Axel,” he whimpered, and Axel felt him try to push away, but he wouldn’t allow it. Instead, he leaned down, capturing Roxas’s mouth again, and the weak protests faded into mutual acquiescence of the fact that those things could wait and be sorted out later because they had been waiting for this ever since the day Axel’s friends had finally taken him away.

0o0o0

Roxas’s eyes drifted open slowly, in bits and pieces. He felt warm, so warm… And complete, somehow. Like he wasn’t as empty as he knew he was… His eyes wandered across the freshly cleaned ceiling, down the walls, and then to the person beside him. He blinked, a little surprised to find that it really was him, not a drug induced hallucination. I threw those out, Roxas remembered vaguely. Axel slept like a little kid, looking so peaceful, and drooling just a little bit. Roxas felt a smile coming onto his face, a real one, and reached up to run a finger over Axel’s smooth cheek. Axel made a face in his sleep, arms tightening around Roxas, who suppressed a giggle. So cute…

Roxas did have a purpose of course, so he couldn’t just keep lying there like a moonstruck little kid. Careful to keep from disturbing Axel, he pulled the covers back somewhat, running his eyes along Axel’s chest somewhat strickenly. As he expected, it was riddled with paler patches of skin, luminous in the early morning light.

Scars. Scar after scar, riddling Axel’s upper body and probably everywhere else if Roxas had had the heart to look. Scars that he put there, one after another whenever he lost his head. And Axel, because Axel was an idiot, such a stupid, stupid idiot, always just came back. He’d come back and everything would be fine, for a while, and then it would happen all over again. Even now, Axel’s lips were just the slightest bit bruised, and there were reddish marks along his neck, places where Roxas had scratched at or bitten when he wasn’t thinking. When he wasn’t in control… That was why he couldn’t be with Axel. When he was with Axel, he couldn’t control himself anymore.

No, he couldn’t do this anymore. This had to stop.

Lips met his own neck in a kiss and Roxas let out a half-squeak, barely stopping himself from smacking his shoulder against Axel’s head. Axel chucked, leaning away and looking at Roxas with sleep hazed eyes. “Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Axel whispered in Roxas’s ear, drawing him up against himself. “How are you?”

“I thought you were asleep…” Roxas said, drawing in a sharp breath when Axel kissed him again. If Axel kept this up, he might not be able to go through with it… He was melting.

“I was, for a little while.” Axel sighed contentedly, burying his face in the crook of Roxas’s neck. “It was just fun watching you sleep…” Roxas made a face, pulling away.

“How creepy,” he teased, then pressed a quick kiss of his own to Axel’s forehead. “Hey, do you mind if I go make some breakfast? I’m kind of hungry.” Axel smiled, kissed Roxas one last time, before letting him go.

“Only if you feed it to me,” Axel smirked, and Roxas rolled his eyes, throwing a pillow at the other man. It was a golden moment, and Roxas let himself enjoy it. For this one moment, it was OK to let himself go and dream that this was all there was. Him and Axel…

“You are so lazy,” Roxas laughed. “Fine, I’ll feed you, your majesty!” He left the room then, and got dressed fairly quickly after that, already locking the moment away in his memory. He went to the kitchen and picked up a spare pen. Finding some paper that wasn’t stained beyond recognition was more difficult, but he found one and set to writing. He had to do this fast.

0o0o0

Axel lounged in bed, feeling better than he had in years. He couldn’t believe he was really here, with Roxas again. Roxas really had seemed to have gotten better; he hadn’t seen any hint of that monster in Roxas the entire time they were together. He still wasn’t entirely sure just what he felt about Roxas, but at the moment it didn’t matter. He wondered a little of what had ever become of Riku, but decided in the end that his friend could take care of himself. For the moment life was just… great. If some random angel came out of nowhere and offered him the chance to go to heaven, he’d turn it down if only to remain where he was a little bit longer.

He wondered what Roxas been up to while he was gone, though. He was skinnier, paler, his eyes were different, and there was something else… Something Axel couldn’t quite but his finger on. It was close to the kind of recklessness people get right before they do something unbelievably stupid… Axel would be worried, but Roxas seemed fine now. He seemed better than fine, even; he just looked so purely happy. Axel decided he’d ask Roxas about it when he got back with breakfast… whatever breakfast was, anyway. “Hey, Roxas?” Axel called, stretching. “What are you making?”

No one answered. For a minute, Axel felt something ominous, but he shook it off. Roxas just didn’t hear him, was all. “Roxas?” Axel called again, sliding out of bed. Roxas still said nothing, and Axel’s heartbeat sped up a pace. He found his pants and put them back on, sliding his shirt on afterward. “Roxas!” His voice rose, but he still got no reply. Foreboding came crashing down on him like the sky, and he started out of the room, just as he heard the door click shut. Panic washed over him in an instant, and he ran into the kitchen, eyes falling on two sheets of paper that had not been there before. One had his name on it, the other bore a girl’s name. Axel picked his up, and froze in an instant. He paper fell from his hand and he ran for the door with a screamed curse. He yanked on the knob, only to find that it wouldn’t open. Axel’s blood turned to ice then, and he banged a fist against it. “Open the door!” He yelled, pounding his fist against it. “Open it!!”

“Sorry, Axel,” Roxas’s voice came from the other side, low and sad. “I’m not going to. Don’t worry, you’ll be OK.”

“What?! No!” Axel yanked on the doorknob again, hard. “Roxas, open the fucking door! This isn’t funny!”

“Don’t worry,” Roxas repeated. “A friend of mine is going to come looking for me when I don’t show up today. She’ll find you… That other note is for her, by the way.”

“No! Stop!! Why are you doing this?!” Axel cried, eyes blurring up. “What’s so wrong with being happy?! I swear, I’ll leave and I’ll never come back if you’ll just… Please, Roxas, I’m begging you! Open the door!”

“I can’t, Axel.” Roxas sounded so tired now. Axel heard a thump from the other side, and guessed Roxas was resting his head against the door. “Even if you could keep away from me, I’d come after you. I can’t survive without you… And all I can do with you is hurt you. Please understand.”

“No! I don’t understand!” Axel’s voice broke, and he slammed his fist against the door again. “I don’t understand you at all! Do you not think this is hurting me?! Please, I’ll do anything. You can’t…!”

“Axel…” Roxas’s voice was soft, and Axel yanked on the handle again, wishing with everything he had that he was strong enough to break down the door. But he wasn’t, and he couldn’t. He was entirely helpless, left to listen as Roxas walked away. “…I…” For a moment Axel thought the door might swing open and Roxas might come in, crying, and everything would be alright, but it didn’t.

“Goodbye, Axel,” Roxas whispered, and then footsteps told Axel he was gone. Axel went insane, smashing against the door with his fists, screaming wildly for someone to open the door.

No one did.

0o0o0

Roxas fled from the door, wishing he could block out Axel’s yells, and knowing that he couldn’t. They reverberated in his mind like a broken record. Only when he was out of the building did the sound seem to fade. Roxas looked around, thinking the entire world should look different. His outlook had changed, but nearly everything was the same. Everything except a car.

Parked in front of the complex was a car that looked entirely too fancy for this side of town, and Roxas glanced in to see Riku asleep at the wheel; easily recognizable by his unnaturally perfect hair. Riku, one of Roxas’s old friends… One of the people who had taken Axel away. Roxas felt a momentary rush of compassion for Riku and the others. He crouched down to get a better look at Riku through the glass, and smiled. “You did the right thing,” he whispered to the sleeping Riku. “Thank you and… please take care of him.”

With that Roxas continued down the street at a jog. He knew exactly where he was going.

0o0o0

Riku woke up suddenly; feeling oddly like someone had just told him to wake up, although there was no one nearby. He blinked a few times, seeing some blonde guy hurrying off down the street, and checked his watch. It was ten o’clock in the morning. “Oh come on,” Riku groaned. “Axel still isn’t back? I was kidding…” Riku wondered if they’d reconciled or something, and perhaps had… Dread came down on his like a ton of bricks, and he realized with a start that something was completely wrong.

He tore out of the car like lightning, slamming it shut without bothering to lock it, and dashed into the complex, through the dirty halls and towards the sound of screaming. His heart pounded, and when he saw the door the screams were coming from, it was definitely Roxas’s apartment. Someone was banging on the door viciously, and yelling at the top of their lungs. The door had a screw of some kind jammed hard into the lock. It was such a cheap lock; the hunk of metal effectively held the door in place from the outside. Without any hesitation he yanked the screw out, and the door burst open, Axel dashing out like his life depended on it. “Thanks!” His friend called to him hoarsely, taking the stairs four at a time. Riku blinked, wondering what on earth was going on.

He peered into the apartment, unsure of what to expect, but it was completely empty. Someone had just locked Axel in the apartment. While it wasn’t a good thing, because Riku would come looking for him, was it really the end of the world?

It looked exactly like Riku had seen the house a million times before; clean, bright, and… Sunny. Like a happy home; mocking all of the real happy homes in the world. Riku noticed some papers had fallen to the floor, and went over to them, blinking when he saw Axel’s name on one. He flipped it over, and started to read the hastily written note, his eyes widening at what he saw.

Dear Axel,

I’m sorry for everything. I won’t ask to be forgiven, because I don’t deserve it, but at least know I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m so weak. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. I’m sorry for talking to you that first time back in school, for ever going on our first date. I’m just so sorry. I’m going to disappear, Axel. I’m going to go somewhere you can’t follow me, OK? Don’t. You have a life worth living. Live it, please. If you can’t do anything else, then live. Live and forget I ever existed.

If you get stuck here for a while and get hungry, there’s toast in the fridge. Remember to turn the toaster to the high setting, because it’s still broken.

Goodbye,

Roxas

“Fuck…” Riku breathed, recognizing it for what he was. It was a suicide note. God, Roxas was screwed up. Who talked about breakfast in the same breath they said they were going to kill themselves? Before Riku could do anything, although he had no clue what he would have done, the phone rang. Riku blinked and then went over to it, answering tentatively. “Hello?”
“Where the heck a—?!” A feminine voice began, sounding ready to explode, before realizing it had never heard Riku’s voice before. The tone became sheepish. “Oh, I’m sorry. Do I have the wrong number? I’m looking for Roxas Itsuka. Is this…?”

“This is his apartment,” Riku answered. “This is Riku Asamara.” There was a pause.

“I’ve heard of you before...” The voice said. “Aren’t you a friend of his?”

“Former friend,” Riku declared coldly. “What do you want with Roxas?”

“He said he was going to…” The voice stopped, gasping. “Oh no… Do you know Axel?! Was Axel here?!” Riku didn’t get to answer, a stream of curses cutting him off, and the voice screamed at him. “You asshole! Stop Roxas right now!”

“Me—?” Riku started, but the voice cut him off.

“Yes you! This is all your fault!” She hung up on him moments later, leaving Riku to stare at the dead receiver in utmost confusion. Who the heck…?

That didn’t really matter at the moment. Roxas was going to commit suicide, apparently. Riku knew Axel would try to stop him, because he was Axel, but Axel had no idea where Roxas was going or how he was going to kill himself… Neither did Riku, but at least he had a car. He could cover more ground, maybe save Roxas’s life…

Did he want to?

A memory flashed through Riku’s mind, of Axel beaten to the point that he needed to be hospitalized. Riku’s jaw clenched, and then, for a minute, he remembered Roxas. The Roxas, who had been his friend, who had introduced him to his current boyfriend, Sora Hikari, who was able to make Axel smile like life was perfect…

“Surprise!” Roxas had yelled on Riku and Sora’s first anniversary, popping out from behind a coffee table, and pelting them with strawberries until it was a full blown food fight. Then Tidus had found chocolate sauce and went to town, and it became apparent that the carpet would need replacing.

The time Roxas had stood up for Riku in front of the kids at school. They were all homophobic assholes, but by the time Roxas was finished verbally mauling them, they wouldn’t say a word about it. “Justice prevails!” Roxas cheered the whole way home on the bus, despite Sora’s many attempts to quiet him down.

Roxas, grinning and flushed bright red, with an arm slung over Axel’s back. “Yeah, um… He asked me out today,” Roxas admitted, blushing even brighter. “Er… I guess we’re all paired up, then!”

“So we’re going steady now too?” Axel teased, just before the two of them were mobbed by their excited friends,

When Riku had come to pick Axel up again, and he’d gone into the room, finding Roxas in tears, amid an absolute mess of pots and pans, strewn all over the floor. Roxas had looked up, face completely inhuman, and practically howled. “GET OUT!” Roxas screamed, hurling a vase that shattered against the wall. Riku stared in horror and fled. There had been no trace of his friend in those eyes… It was the day their friendship had ended.

Riku closed his eyes for a moment, and then took off, out the door. He might not be friends with Roxas anymore, but… Someone who had once been like that should never die this way. No one should.

0o0o0

Roxas walked, quite calmly, along the street. A few people waved, and he waved back, smiling. He wondered if he knew them. The air began to smell salty, and Roxas knew he was getting to where he needed to be. He paused, pulling out a bottle of pills. ‘Take two for maximum results’ the label read, and Roxas popped three of them, swallowing with a face. So bitter…

0o0o0

Axel’s feet hit the pavement faster and faster, and he looked everywhere, scanned every face for a sign of the one he just knew had to be there. Roxas wasn’t dead yet; Axel was sure of it. He could still hear his own heart beating… So there was still time. Where was he?!

“Roxas,” Axel choked, speeding up again. “Where the hell are you?!”

0o0o0

Riku saw Axel running moments later, eyes huge with panic and despair. He steered the car over to his friend, ignoring the fact that he was disrupting traffic. Axel looked over at him at the honks, plainly panicking. Riku rolled down his window. “Get in,” he ordered.

0o0o0

“Where is he, do you think?” Riku asked, frustrating Axel with his calm tone. Anger rose up, hot and dark in his veins, and he glared at his friend. How the hell could he be so cold?! Roxas was going to die!

“If I knew would I have been running around like that?!” Axel demanded, slamming a fist against his seat. “I have no fucking clue where he is! DRIVE!!” Riku did drive, scanning the streets as best he could.

“Don’t get mad at me,” Riku said, keeping his voice level. “You need to think, Axel. Calm down.”
“How can I?!” Axel’s hands fisted his red hair, pulling sharply. “I can’t think! Roxas might be… I can’t calm down! How can you even suggest that?!”

“Because if we don’t find him, he REALLY WILL DIE,” Riku shot back, and Axel flinched. “You know him much better than I do Axel. Now think. If you think, I bet you know where he is.” Axel swallowed, pressing his shaking hands to the sides of his head. “Where is he?” Riku asked, somewhat softer. Axel bit his lip for a moment, and then his eyes lit up. The very first place they’d gone for a date… ‘Forget I ever existed’.

“The bridge,” he whispered, looking up at Riku wide-eyed. Riku’s jaw set grimly, and he slammed on the gas.

0o0o0

The pills took effect pretty quickly, and Roxas began having difficulty walking. His knees kept buckling under his weight, but he was so close. He walked further along the bridge, waving to a few of the people driving along. That was hard too. He felt so heavy all of a sudden, heavy and sore all over. Some of that was from last night, but it was mostly the pills. He felt like he was made of lead, all of the world’s weight crashing against him.

Finally he found it, the perfect place. He went to it, leaning weakly against the railing to stare down at the aquamarine waters of the river beneath him. It was beautiful… It sparkled like liquid light. He could see it in perfect clarity too, and the loveliness struck him hard. He was sorry he’d ever taken those drugs, ones that dulled away his world. Or maybe it wouldn’t have mattered; if he’d looked down at this river a week ago and been off the drugs, what would he have seen? Axel, that moment, the last memory Roxas intended to keep; had changed his perspective into something else entirely.

Roxas smiled, and started forward. “Axel,” he sighed, not regretful for his own actions, but for the screams he had heard. Even his tongue felt heavy now, so he finished the last part in his mind. Don’t hurt…

0o0o0

“FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!” Riku growled, slamming on the horn again. This was so typical. Roxas was going to die, Axel was having a mental breakdown, some random girl had blamed all this on him over the phone, and now that they knew where Roxas was they were stuck in Goddamn traffic. He looked over at Axel. “Get out,” he ordered. Axel didn’t need to be told twice. He was out of the car, practically blurring from how fast he was running, and Riku was right at his heels. Their car lay deserted in the middle of the road, much to the chagrin of other drivers. They didn’t even bother to close the doors. As they ran, Riku saw a flash of blonde hair, and saw Roxas standing at the exact center of the bridge, by the rail. He was at the highest point, looking down.

Axel saw him too, and cursed, leaping on top of the cars to get to the blonde faster. Riku gasped, about to tell him to get the hell off before he got himself run over, when he realized nothing he said would reach Axel now. A car slammed into Axel’s hip, and the redhead didn’t even seem fazed, running towards the boy Riku still didn’t know if he wanted to save.

Well it was now or never.

Riku, a little farther behind the wildly fighting Axel knew his answer almost immediately. He stopped, cupping his hands around his mouth to be as loud as possible. “HE’S GONNA JUMP!” Riku screamed, and the cars just stopped, their passengers letting out gasps or screams. Riku chased after Axel, hoping someone could get to Roxas before he could jump, because he sure as hell wasn’t getting there in time.

0o0o0

Roxas leaned forward to let himself fall, when a sudden scream burst through the air.

“HE’S GONNA JUMP!”

Yes, ‘he’ is, Roxas though, glancing back at the crowded interstate, wondering who’d screamed. It couldn’t hurt to know, because no one would stop him in time. His eyes locked onto a set of blue-green ones, so like the water flowing beneath them. Riku. Roxas’s eyes widened a fraction. Was Riku trying to… stop him?
He glanced to his left, seeing Namine coming running at him, and then right revealed that Axel was closing in on him. They were all running; trying to stop… the inevitable. How had they made it so quickly?

“Don’t do it!” Axel shouted, and Roxas saw tears in his eyes. Roxas felt a moment of pity. He hadn’t planned for Axel to be there when he… He hadn’t planned for any of them to have to watch him die. Perhaps he should have picked a less sentimental place. “Please, God, Roxas, DON’T DO THIS!” Roxas smiled sadly.

Oh Axel.

0o0o0

Axel’s scream caught in his throat as Roxas’s beautiful blue eyes shut, and he spread his arms out like he could fly, falling backwards off the rail, and straight down the seventy yard drop to the water. For a moment it crashed into Axel, his feet flying effortlessly across the pavement, how beautiful he looked. His hair flew out around his face in a shining golden halo, his heart-shaped face the very image of serenity as he flew to his death. He was so, so beautiful.

The girl who’d been running to stop him let out a high, piercing scream, jerking to a stop. Axel gritted his teeth together, and right in front of every single eye in the place, he dove directly off the side of the bridge.

0o0o0

The world was dead silent for a moment, everything seeming to stop for them. Namine sank to her knees, tears running down her cheeks. Oh how had she missed this…? How had she let Roxas down? She should never have let him trick her into leaving…

“Roxas,” she sobbed, her boyfriend finally catching up, and cradling her to his chest. He looked stunned, was hopelessly confused, but he held her because the information was with her now. He just stared at the spot where the two men had been for a fraction of a second, before they’d just disappeared. He was horrified to realize what just happened. Namine’s best friend just committed suicide, right in front of her.

0o0o0

Riku just stared, watching his best friend leap. He didn’t move, or scream, or do anything. There was nothing he could do. He and his friends had tried so hard to protect Axel from Roxas, but there was nothing to be done. Not all the common sense could have stopped Axel from taking that jump. Riku smiled sadly, understanding. It was exactly what he would have done for Sora.

“Don’t die,” he finally said, walking over to the rail, to wait to see Axel’s red hair bob to the surface. He knew he would, because Axel wasn’t going to die like that, obviously. Axel still had a bunch of people left to annoy, and bunch of good times left to have, and a bunch of life left to live.

He was denied this option, though, because before he could get to the rail, he was swarmed by policeman. “You can’t jump!” They were yelling, people from the crowd mixing in. “You’re under arrest!” Riku barely had time to blink, and then he was swarmed by people, some from the law enforcement, and most not, all screaming at the same time.

“You have so much life left to live!”

“Don’t do it, Mister!”

“Get this guy downtown!”
“This is 06. We need Coast Guard out here ASAP.”

“Suicide is never the answer!”

“Please don’t jump!”

“You STUPID little retard!”
Riku struggled against them, bewildered. A moment later he realized he had the right to be more pissed off than bewildered, and started throwing punches left and right in an attempt to keep them from dragging him to the police car. “GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!” Riku roared, landing a solid blow to someone’s stomach. “I AM NOT COMMITTING SUICIDE! GET THE FUCK OFF!!”

“He’s losing it!” Someone cried as Riku smashed a solid fist into someone’s nose. Moments later something pricked Riku’s neck and he suddenly felt exhausted. I’ve been drugged, he realized, landing a few more punches before he sank to the ground in a dead faint. “Crap,” he mumbled, and then was lost to the world.

0o0o0

The wind felt like it was going to pull Axel apart, but at least he was more aerodynamic than Roxas was, with his arms out, who was spinning around and around, battered by the air. He looked like he was fast asleep, except his arms were held out so stiffly that he couldn’t be. Axel pressed his arms against his sides harder, aiming his body so the wind would carry him directly next to Roxas. He finally reached the blonde and opened his arms, ruining his aerodynamic streak and folding them around Roxas. Roxas blinked, eyes opening to fix on Axel. He looked absolutely horrified. “Axel… What did you…?”
“You are such an idiot,” Axel interrupted. “You are a complete and total idiot, Roxas Itsuka. I will never forgive you for this in a thousand years.” Roxas recoiled like he’d been physically struck, and he started to pull himself free of Axel’s embrace, but Axel dragged him right back over, crushing the boy he loved, hated, feared, and wanted more than anything in the world to his chest. Roxas’s struggles were amazingly weak. Had he taken muscle relaxants? That would be just like him; to assure he really did die. “I’m never letting you go again.”

“Why did you do this?” Roxas demanded, and Axel saw tears in his eyes now, beading up like jewels. “You didn’t have to! You could have walked away! I did this so you wouldn’t follow me!” Axel kissed his eyes softly, brushing the tears away with his lips, and Roxas fell silent. Axel leaned back, smiling at Roxas, who was now trying stubbornly to stop crying.

“Guess,” he whispered, and Roxas’s eyes, for a minute, were as bright as they had been three years ago.

They hit the water.

0o0o0

Floating, Roxas reflected dimly, was nice. Floating made him see stars, like he was flying through the night sky. Floating was nicer, though, because when you were floating, you were being held. You were all wrapped up in water; like you were all wrapped up in pure love. It was nice. Roxas stretched out an arm, sluggishly batting away water. And then it occurred to him that the water should neither be warm nor dry, and his eyes opened.

It was like triggering a chain reaction. Immediately every single bone in Roxas’s body screamed out in utmost agony, and he gasped, clamping his mouth shut to keep from screaming. In the time it took him to raise his eyelids, he’d been transformed into a mass of pure pain. He tried to vocalize this, but his lips just worked uselessly. He coughed once, and then again, before he could make any sound. It was this horrible rasping thing, when he did, but at least he managed to express himself. “Ow…”

“Roxas!” In a flash Namine was there, and Roxas gazed at her in confusion. She hadn’t jumped, had she…? Then again, this white room wasn’t the river he’d jumped into either. She took his hand, squeezing just a little too tightly, and Roxas cringed. “Are you awake? How are you feeling?”

“Like I was in a wreck,” Roxas croaked, coughing again. His throat felt horrible. “Where am I?”

“The Eastwind Hospital,” Namine supplied. “I’m so glad you’re OK...” Oh. A dream? Roxas closed his eyes. Did my drugs get out of hand or something? Was it… a dream? Roxas felt like crying. Not only was he in pain but Axel hadn’t come back for him. That golden memory, the only thing Roxas had ever been selfish enough to want, was only a dream. “Roxas?” Namine asked when she saw he was fighting tears. “Are you really OK?”
“No,” Roxas hissed, closing his eyes. “I want to jump off a cliff.”
“That would be massively clichéd,” a new voice spoke up dryly. “You already jumped off a bridge.” Roxas’s eyes snapped open again, and he saw Riku appear, smirking, beside Namine. Roxas’s mouth worked soundlessly for a minute.

“That… wasn’t… dream?” Roxas managed hopefully, and Riku snickered.

“You are one screwed up guy, aren’t you?” He rolled his eyes. “No, that wasn’t a dream. You really jumped off. And you’re lucky to be alive.” He muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously ‘I’m lucky to be out of prison’. Roxas decided that couldn’t be it. Riku was a prude, and always had been a prude. He must have said something else.

“Why are you here?” Roxas demanded, trying to look threatening from his reclining position. “You hate me. I mean, you’re the type to push me off, not wait for me to wake u—OW!” Roxas gaped at Namine, who withdrew her hand, frowning.

“Don’t you dare be rude!” She exclaimed, looking murderous. “If you weren’t so hurt, I would kick your ass! You lied to me! You tried to commit suicide! You may not have the best life in the world, Roxas, but neither does anyone else!”

“Actually, there technically has to be one person—” Riku began, but Namine punched his shoulder too.

“And you! Don’t yell as people in the hospital!” Namine commanded, ignoring the fact that she had done just that. “Have some sensitivity! You’re such an idiot sometimes! Now apologize!” Riku, slightly terrified, now faced Roxas.

“Uh. Sorry.” He said, eyeing Namine warily.

“Likewise,” Roxas managed, trying to edge away from the girl and failing. She sighed, crossing her arms.

“That is the most half-hearted sissy apology I have ever heard,” she declared. “You two are friends. What is your issue?”

“Were,” Riku and Roxas said at the exact same time, glaring at each other. Namine tapped her foot impatiently.

“Why?” She demanded, looking angry. “Why the hell are you not? Riku, you looked insanely worried the entire time you were here. And Roxas! You told me stories all the time about your friends, and all the good times you had! What’s so different now?” Roxas clamped his mouth shut, and she shook her head. “Roxas, I know you better than anyone. I know why you pushed everyone away back then.” She glared at Riku, who looked suitably cowed. “But if you don’t have the problem anymore, why? You haven’t had a fit in a long time!”

Roxas looked away. “You don’t get it Namine… Everyone acts like I have a split personality or something. I don’t.” He nodded at Riku. “He gets it. It was all me… It’s always me. Every time I start to hurt someone, it’s me and I know I have to stop, but I can’t.” He bit his tongue, probably the only part of him that didn’t hurt, to keep his voice from breaking. “If I can keep it from starting, it’s OK. I can keep it under control most of the time, except with…”
“With Axel,” Namine finished sadly, beliefs confirmed. She looked over at Riku, who was staring.

“What…?” He looked infuriated suddenly. “Roxas! You never told ANYONE about that! What the…?! What were you thinking?! We thought you did it on purpose!” Roxas’s head jerked up, shocked and stung.

“Of course you did!” He snapped, ignoring Namine, who was now trying to get them to quit shouting. “That’s what I was trying to do! Because it is entirely my fault! I deserved to be hated for what I did to… Axel!” He gasped, eyes wide, tensing up enough to make fresh waves of pain to come crashing down on him. It made him dizzy and he leaned back, breathing hard. “Where is he? Is he OK? What happened when we fell? Is he hurt?! Why aren’t you with him?! Please—he can’t be dead!!” He looked between the two of them, waiting for them to say something, but neither did. He blinked slowly, and found that they were avoiding his eyes. Roxas stared.

Axel was dead because of him.

He pressed his hands to his face, drinking up the screams of this pain this elicited all over him. He deserved to hurt. He deserved to hurt so much. He’d killed Axel. Even when he tried to stop himself, he still did it...! Why had Axel had to follow him?! He’d tried so hard to tell him! Heartache wouldn’t kill him, but Roxas would. It was unavoidable… Roxas bit in a strangled cry of grief, wishing he was dead too more than anything in the world. No, that’s not true. More than anything in the world, I’d give everything for Axel to be alive again… Blood trickled down his chin as he bit into his lip, and Namine started forward.

“Roxas,” she began, but a new voice interrupted.

“Oh geez. Look what you’ve done.” Something around Roxas tightened, sending more cries of pain through his body. “Shit. This hurts.” Roxas blinked, something horrible and undeniable rising up in his chest, and he found himself looking into shamrock colored eyes and a warm, confident smile. “You guys all suck. I finally wake up, and I get woken up to see you all arguing. And you put Roxas in tears.” Roxas realized with a start that he was indeed crying.

“Axel…” His fingers rose, lightly tracing their way down his face and he realized what was holding onto him so tightly were Axel’s arms. More tears spilled out of his eyes. “Axel…” He repeated, shaking his head. “You’re here… You’re alive.”

“Damn straight!” Axel scowled; wincing as Roxas’s shaking hands pressed just a little too hard. “I couldn’t die then! What with you taking muscle relaxants or some such so that you couldn’t swim… Besides, ‘I guess’ is not a satisfactory confession.” Roxas looked down immediately, smiling inwardly, but cooling his features on the outside.

“I don’t think,” he said very quietly, and then something occurred to him. “Er… Why are we in same bed?” Axel looked around, looking puzzled.

“Well that’s obviously because… Uh… Good question.” He looked up. “Miss— you’re Namine, right? Riku?” The two of them were giggling. Roxas’s eyes narrowed, realizing that they had been hiding smiles when they avoided his eyes. Not the fact that Axel was ‘dead’. Jerks, he thought vehemently.

“Well, um,” Namine giggled, a little more, leaning on Riku. “That’s because… Riku, do you want to explain?” Riku shrugged, trying very hard not to laugh.

“Well, Axel dragged you to the surface, Roxas,” he informed the blonde. “He swam with you towards the shore—you’d blacked out or something—and the Coast Guard rescued you. Axel was in some kind of shock, and you were definitely out at this point, and they tried to separate you...” Riku snickered now. “No one could, Axel. You had some kind of death grip on Roxas.” Axel grinned, squeezing Roxas hard enough to make the blonde hiss in pain. Roxas could at least take solace in the fact that hugging him surely hurt Axel as much as it hurt Roxas.

“Aw, true love,” Axel declared, and Roxas’s face froze again. I can’t just let Axel— All lines of thought promptly died when Axel planted a kiss on his forehead. That hurt like hell, but Roxas wanted so much for him to do it again… Roxas leaned up into the touch before he could stop himself, which made Namine giggle. He realized what he was doing then, and yanked away fast enough to get whiplash, mortified. Axel looked surprised, and a little hurt, while Roxas shook his head, filling his tongue with venom.

He really couldn’t afford screw it up this time. The events of before came too close for comfort.

“Don’t do that,” Roxas growled, making his eyes as cold as possible. “Look, I appreciate you saving my life and junk, but I jumped off a bridge to get away from you. I think that qualifies as a possible break-up, don’t you?” Axel looked impossibly hurt now, and Roxas felt just like Axel looked to the very bottom of his soul. There was no other way than this, though. “So no more of that.”

“Roxas, you don’t mean that!” Namine said pleadingly, but Roxas shot her a look that made her fall silent. Riku said nothing, avoiding the eyes of everyone in the room. He agrees with me, Roxas thought with satisfaction. He knows this is for the best.

“Roxas, I…” Axel looked crushed, but he continued. “I love you, Roxas. I don’t care about anyone else, or anything that stands in the way. I love you, and I’ll do everything to make you happy.” Roxas could hear Namine holding her breath behind him.

“Well, that’s sweet, but I’m afraid I don’t feel the same way.” Roxas replied firmly. “I don’t feel anything for you Axel... I think you’re a nice guy and all, but that’s it. You’re not my type. If you want to make me happy, then please respect my feelings.” Inside he was screaming at himself. You lovesick idiot! That’s not near harsh enough! At this rate, no one’s going to believe you! You have to stop this! Now!

“Then what’s your type?” Axel asked stubbornly, leaning closer. Roxas glared. He was close enough to be invading Roxas’s space, but not close enough to warrant getting pushed away. And because he was in a bed, Roxas couldn’t back away either. Damn it. “I’ll be it. Whatever you want, Roxas. I’ll do it.” Roxas opened his mouth, and Axel raised an eyebrow. “Anything but leave.” Face burning, Roxas’s mouth snapped shut.

“Look, I’m trying to be nice,” Roxas pointed out, making his tone steelier. “You saved my life… I really am grateful to you. But that does not mean you won’t get a good earful if you don’t stop! I don’t like you, in any way, shape, or form! Cut it out!” He glared at Axel, doing his best to make himself seem believable. “I thought I might, but I was wrong. I apologize for leading you on... If you want, I’ll pay you for your troubles.” The moment he said that, Axel’s head jerked up, mouth closed tightly. Roxas knew it was a low blow, but at this point crushing Axel’s hope was the only option left. Roxas could not lose Axel again. He couldn’t survive it.

“If you want to repay me, you’ll have to do a lot better than that,” Axel replied, his tone somewhat colder. “You’ll have to give me back every date and every single moment I spent with you. You’d have to give back every single night and day I spent with you and thinking of you. You’d have to give me back my tears and my blood and every cent we spent together. You’d have to give me my heart… My entire world.” He took one of Roxas’s hands, and Roxas, powerless to resist, watched helplessly as Axel pressed it to his chest, just where he could feel the gentle thumping of Axel’s heart. “You’d have to give me back everything.” Behind them, Riku whistled.

“That’s some speech,” he remarked.
“Certainly,” Roxas spoke icily to Axel, ignoring Riku. “When do want it?”

“…And even then, the only thing I would do is give it back to you.” Axel smiled at him, soft and tired. “I’m not changing my mind. I couldn’t, even if by some insane reason, I actually wanted to. I love you, Roxas. You can try as much as you want, but that won’t change.” Roxas tried to free his hand, but Axel closed both of him over it, cradling it in some kind of embrace. Roxas struggled, and Axel winced as it smacked against his bruised skin, but didn’t let go.

“That counts as harassment!” Roxas threatened. “I’ll get a Goddamned restraining order!” Axel grinned.

“I’d spend every single day of my life in prison to see you,” he declared recklessly, and Roxas switched tactics. Instead of pulling on his hand, he slammed it against Axel’s chest as hard as he could. Axel made a coughing noise, and Roxas did it again, vicious.

“I’ll kill you!” Roxas cried out, slamming his fist against Axel again. “If you come and see me, I’ll kill you!” Axel looked up, sure to have some cocky retort, only to see tears were streaming down Roxas’s face. Roxas shook his head, covering his face with a free hand. “I’d kill you, don’t you get it? You’re such a dummy! If you keep being around me, you’ll die. I can’t control it. I can’t stop it…” Axel sighed, arms letting go of Roxas’s hand to wrap around the blonde’s back. He glanced up at Riku and Namine, who stood in the corner silently, feeling a little awkward.

“Can you give us a minute?” Axel asked. “Please?” They nodded reluctantly and walked towards the door, looking unsure of whether to leave or not. Axel smiled at them, genuinely. “I promise I won’t let Roxas do anything stupid.” They left then, looking entirely at ease, and Axel’s attention returned to the blonde he had in his arms. “I am not a dummy,” he told Roxas, who looked up indignantly.

“Like heck you’re not!” Roxas glared. “You’re always doing stupid stuff. You jumped off a bridge after me, Axel. A freaking bridge!” Axel chuckled.

“Well, I’d call it reckless, maybe, but not stupid.” Axel smoothed some hair out of the messy face in front of him. “Just standing there and letting myself lose you would have been stupid. I would have regretted it every single day of my life and probably jumped off my own little cliff at some point. I had a chance, and I took it.”
“So?” Roxas mumbled, looking away again. “One action does not a person make.” Axel snickered, and regretted it. He hurt like hell. His hip especially. Stupid car.

“Well, I love you and I know it.” Axel said firmly. “I wasn’t just sitting around on my ass while I was gone, you know. I’ve been in enough relationships to know the difference between the real deal and a fling. The real deal doesn’t fade… And that’s what this is.” Roxas muttered a few protests under his breath, rubbing away tears. “Do you know how rare that is? Only a couple of people ever find someone they really match with. The rest are stuck making it work.” Roxas looked up, glowering.

“That’s such a lie,” he accused, and Axel regarded him coolly.

“Is it now?” He demanded. “Prove that I’m lying.”

“Sora and Riku,” Roxas stated flatly. “Don’t they match?”

“Well, yeah, OK.” Axel looked sheepish. “But they’re special too. The point is—”

“Pence and Olette,” Roxas interrupted. “Tidus and Yuna.”

Axel scowled. “OK, them too. But as I was saying—”

“What about Demyx and Namine?” Roxas challenged. “I know you don’t know them well, but they seem happy to me. Marluxia and Larxene. Hayner and Seifer. Kairi and Selphie. Leon and—” Axel covered Roxas’s mouth.

“We just happen to be surrounded by some kind of love vortex or something, OK? Be quiet for a minute.” Axel let his hand linger for just a minute, wondering in some slightly pathetic way if Roxas would lick his hand. Roxas just glared more, so Axel let him go. “Alright. Look, just because something might be common doesn’t make it any less special. The point I was trying to make was that if I let you go, it would be no different than not taking that jump. It would be a thousand times worse than any consequence, and I would regret it for every second of my existence.”
“But you could die,” Roxas whimpered, looking so small in his arms. “You could get hurt, so hurt. How can you do that?” Axel smiled.

“Well, the same thing could have—and did—happen with the bridge.” Axel frowned. “Sans the dying part anyway. Do you I think I regret it?”
“I don’t know!” Roxas burst out, pressing his face against Axel’s chest traitorously. Why the hell couldn’t he control himself?! “I don’t understand you at all! You’re impossible!” Axel buried his face in Roxas’s hair.

“Just tell me this, Roxas… Tell me the truth.” Roxas stiffened, and then nodded. Axel closed his eyes, marveling over the softness of that blonde hair. “Do you love me?”

Roxas sat bolt upright at once, glaring into Axel’s eyes. “You really are being stupid now. Of course I—”

“OMIGOD, AXEL!!”
The scream was loud enough to pass through the largely soundproof walls, and Roxas and Axel pulled apart just in time to see their door nearly fly off its hinges from how quickly it was forced open, and Axel let out a tiny squeak before he was entirely swarmed with his friends. Lagging behind, a panting Namine, Riku, and Demyx appeared. Roxas stabbed them with a vicious blue glare and they looked sheepish. “It was like trying to stop the tide from coming in,” Riku groaned, looking as though he had experienced severe mental trauma. He shivered. “More of them kept coming…”

Roxas felt a pang of sympathy for him.

“Do we even know half of these people?!” Riku demanded irritably, waving a hand in the direction of where Axel was being attacked.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Axel raised his voice over the clamor, and then got swarmed again. Roxas watched with a concealed smirk. Well, it seemed like the gang was all there… Roxas recognized nearly every face in the bunch too, all people who used to be his friends. Before… Roxas dropped his eyes, waiting for people to start yelling at him. It was his fault Axel was hurt anyway.

“Roxas!” He flinched when someone said his name, and ducked down into the blankets somewhat. Kairi was over at his side now, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him without any semblance of concern for his battered state. Ow, ow, ow, Roxas thought. “Are you OK?! You idiot! You could have gotten hurt! That bridge is… is…!”

“Big,” Selphie supplied, now at her girlfriend’s side. She didn’t look at Roxas, and he avoided her eyes too. He couldn’t believe Kairi was worried, but it made sense. Kairi was a huge softie, after all. Kairi nodded her agreement to Selphie’s suggestion.

“It was big! What on earth have you been doing while we were…?” She trailed off; seeming to remember Roxas and she weren’t friends anymore. Roxas understood. “…Gone…”

“Sorry Kairi,” Roxas said in a very tiny voice, deciding to be polite at the risk of Namine hitting him again. “I’ll be more careful.” A hush fell around the room as everyone looked over at Roxas, who shrunk back into the blankets ashamedly. It would be so much easier if they all hated him like Riku did; because at least Roxas could understand that… But they were uncertain, not hateful. They were looking at their former friend of years and years, who was hurt and in bed. They were also looking at the person who’d put Axel in the hospital time and time again, who none of them had bothered to contact for the last three years. They hated him for what he’d done to Axel, but seeing him again made them remember the old Roxas.

I’m sorry, Roxas thought quietly, if such a thing was possible. He’s gone.

“Roxas?” Sora began awkwardly. Roxas wished he could disappear. “Um… How are you…?”

“Why are they sharing a bed?” Olette demanded, sounding confused.

“Roxas?” Namine was looking at him too. “Should I…?” Roxas shook his head immediately, and was rewarded with a sharp glare from Riku.

“To hell with that!” Riku shouted suddenly, springing to his feet. “To hell with your damned silence martyrdom! It’s stupid, useless, and does abso-fucking-lutely nothing! Listen up guys, Roxas has been lying for the past—”

“Riku!” Roxas cried, using up all his strength to sit up. “Shut up!” Riku glared and Roxas’s hand clenched the fabric of the bedspread. “P-Please…” Riku made a frustrated sound in his throat, and flung his hands in the air.

“Fine!” He said bitterly. “Go ahead and play your stupid little game, Roxas! Far be it from me to try to stop people from hating my friend for something that wasn’t his fault!” Everyone in the room let out some exclamation of surprise, Roxas included. Riku, who seemed to only now realize what he said, turned red and said. “Er… In a manner of speaking… I mean… Oh screw this.” He looked despairingly over at Roxas. “Can I please tell them? This is stupid.”
Roxas looked over at Axel, pleadingly, hoping for backup, but Axel just grinned at him. “You had it coming, Rox. Better fess up.”

“Please Roxas?” Namine said softly, clasping her hands. “I just got you back from the land of the dead. I don’t want you to be hated for something that wasn’t your fault.”
“But it is…” Roxas protested, but he was out of steam and knew he’d just lost. He sighed, bowing his head. “…Fine. I don’t care anymore.”
“Well, you may not, but I think just about everyone here will,” Riku responded, triumph in his voice. “Listen up. We were all really shocked by what happened with Axel and Roxas, weren’t we?” Roxas flinched as he said that, a spike driving into his heart somewhere, and Axel locked his arms around him protectively. “Most of us found that what Axel said and what Roxas said didn’t match up. We believed Roxas, because Axel really does make a lovesick idiot.”

Axel scowled. “Thanks Ri. I love you too.”

“Axel was actually telling the truth, it turns out,” Riku said, sticking his tongue out at Axel. “No, Roxas doesn’t have split personalities or anything, or anger management problems, or anything like that. He loses control of himself during these things called ‘fits’ which Namine explained to me.” Namine took this as her cue and gave a little half wave.

“Scientifically, it’s where his brain basically releases an overload of the chemical that triggers anger, which makes him lose it for a little while. He’s had it all his life, but it barely ever comes out because he can control it until he’s around Axel.”

“…Why?” Marluxia asked, shooting the two in bed a confused glance. “What does Axel have to do with it?”

“It comes out in really stressful situations,” Riku supplied.

Roxas glared at Axel. “He’s stressful,” he accused in a mumble, leaning against the warm touch.

“So what, he just gets really pissy?” Hayner snorted. “Uh, so do most of the girls on the planet. Only they don’t go around sending their boyfriends to the emergency room.”

It’s worse for Roxas,” Namine spoke up. “It’s nothing like that… Can you imagine the angriest you’ve been in your life? That’s not like this. When Roxas has a fit, he’s not like himself. I’ve seen him in one and he didn’t even recognize me… It’s like he loses his mind.”
“Why isn’t he being treated for it?” Sora inquired, looking like he might burst into tears at any moment. Honestly, Sora was worse than Kairi. He had been the hardest to convince that Roxas had done those things to Axel on purpose… He and Roxas had been friends since preschool. “That sounds really dangerous… Why isn’t anyone doing anything?!”

“Because it’s not a disease,” Roxas whispered. “It’s not a psychological disorder… It’s something else. Medicine doesn’t work. There’s no therapy for it. There’s no treatment.” He closed his eyes. Why were they telling these people this? There was nothing to be done. All pity did was rob them of the will to fight back when he was in a fit. Namine was being stupid. Roxas thought he heard Sora let out a tiny sniffle, and disregarded it. Someone must have sneezed. Sora wouldn't cry for him.

“The reason he hurt Axel so bad that time was because Axel…” Namine trailed off at the stricken look on Roxas’s face and sighed. “Axel did something really stressful. I don’t know much more than that.” Everyone in the room was looking at Roxas now, and Roxas dug his head into the space between Axel’s arms even more. There was no way he was going to say a word.

“I proposed to him,” Axel informed them, making Roxas gasp. Shit, he forgot to tell Axel to keep his mouth shut. He looked up at Axel, face bright red.

“Wait, Axel, don’t—” He started, but it was clear that Axel wasn’t going to stop. He let out an angry noise, and stuck his head under the covers. Well if everyone was going to be annoying and difficult, he just wouldn’t talk to any of them!
“I was an idiot about it, and he started to get upset.” Axel’s voice narrated and the scene began to unfold in Roxas’s mind. “Roxas said he thought he was going to go into a fit, and he told me to lock him in the bathroom. I did.”

Roxas swallowed, feeling sick as he remembered the frigid waves of anger crushing away all that feeling of floating he felt all through his body. Sheer stubbornness had held it at bay long enough to let himself get locked up, because he was just so unbelievably overjoyed. It was everything he’d dreamed of… And his stupid, stupid sickness just had to ruin it. He remembered crying and crying through it, waves of frustrated helplessness and sorrow cutting into the fury. All he could think of was Axel, who looked so unbelievably worried and hurt. Roxas wanted nothing more than to be a normal person for once, just slip the ring on his hand, and be with Axel forever.

I didn’t even get to answer, Roxas remembered distantly. I never got to say anything…

“He stomped around in there for a while, and then everything got quiet. I thought he had to be getting better, because he always got tired at the end of a fit.” He heard Axel pause, seeming to remember something painful. “I called his name a few times, and when he didn’t answer, I thought he was asleep... He wasn’t.”

No, I wasn’t, Roxas recalled more, shuddering uncontrollably. I heard Axel’s voice and I wanted to get him to open the door. I kept so quiet, and he opened it up, and I just attacked him. With everything I could find… Roxas started to tremble, biting down on his lip to hold any little cries inside of himself. And Axel didn’t do anything. He just tried and tried to calm me down, to make me stop. He didn’t hurt me once, and I had to watch myself beat him until he was nearly dead. They took him away, and I remember I tried to stop them, still not over it, and Riku hit me. I was so… relieved.

They were finally rescuing him.

“You guys came pretty soon after that,” Axel said, clearing his throat. “We all thought time apart would do us good… I was going to go back, and I kept sending letters to Roxas asking to visit, but he turned me down… Not nicely. I thought he hated me and that was what made him so upset when I proposed.”

“That wasn’t it at all.” Riku finished. “Namine made it very clear... He never stopped thinking about Axel. But Roxas has it in his head that he deserves to be hated now. He made himself seem as horrible as possible so we’d all go and take Axel with us. Because he didn’t want to hurt people anymore.”

“I do,” Roxas breathed, too quietly for anyone but Axel to hear. “I did it… I did that and I deserve to be hated for that…You’re all wrong… You’re making me into a victim”

“That’s not true, Roxas…” Pence said suddenly, making Roxas wonder if he had spoken too loudly. “It sounds to me like you would have rather done anything than hurt Axel. I don’t think that makes you a bad person…”

“Heck, that’s barely anything compared to us,” Yuna sighed. “We were so worried about Axel we completely forgot about you… And that you could never be a person like that.”

“We are pretty lousy friends, aren’t we?” Tidus agreed, and Roxas looked up to see expressions ranging from shock to horror to pain on their faces. Selphie and Kairi were both near tears, and Sora was crying shamelessly. He walked up to Roxas and put his arms around his neck, drawing his friend close.

“I’m so sorry,” Sora sobbed. “I’m so sorry! I doubted you Roxas—that was so stupid! I’ll never ever do it again!” Roxas blinked, and in the time it took him to do that, the others, even Riku, were crowding around him and apologizing, laughing, smiling… He saw happiness, real happiness on their faces, and realized with a shock that even in such a large group, he’d been missed. A lot apparently.

“Wait guys…” Roxas pulled back, unable to keep a faint smile off his face. Oh where had his acting skills gone? “I really do appreciate this and all, but… You’re defeating the purpose of everything.” He took a deep breath. It was always difficult, asking to be ostracized, no matter how you did it; but it also had to be done. For them, because like Axel, Roxas would rather die than hurt them anymore. “…You can’t be around me. Your knowing about the problem doesn’t make it go away. I’m dangerous to be around… I don’t want to hurt you. Please keep your distance.” They stared at him, hurt, but realizing he was saying the truth. Next time it could be any of them… Roxas looked up at the man who was holding onto him. “That goes for you too, Axel. You can’t be around me anymore. Please stop trying.”
“Fuck that,” Axel said cheerfully. “Being away from you is way worse than getting hurt. I’ll be smarter next time. I’ve learned my lesson from before. Wait for the nice sane Roxas to give you the go ahead before opening the door. It’ll be fine!”
“This isn’t a joke!” Roxas protested, knowing he and Axel were going to fall into the same argument from before. “Axel, this is really serious! I’d do anything before I hurt you again; please don’t let me! I’d rather die… If you don’t want me to die, you have to go.” Axel shook his head.

“You are so stubborn,” he complained. “Why can’t you… Ugh. What was your answer to my question from before?” Roxas tried to remember what this was, succeeded, and blushed.

“I don’t think that now’s the time…” Axel’s face fell and Roxas sighed, caving. “OK, fine. I guess I do. Love you, I mean.”

“Say it all the way,” Axel pushed, leaning forward. Roxas blushed brighter, aware that everyone’s eyes were on him.

“I love you, Axel,” Roxas finally said, heart breaking into little pieces. “I love you, and I’m so sorry…” Axel smiled at his reply, and a little wave of ‘aw’s spread through the onlookers.

“Then I don’t see a problem. I love you, and you love me. Does anyone have any objections?” The entire group shook their heads, smiling, and Roxas scowled at them. How could they be taking this so lightly?! “So you see, I don’t really think there’s anything to stop me.”

Roxas sighed again. Really, the man he was in love with was so simplistic. This wasn’t a damn storybook! “Axel, the problem isn’t going to go away. I’m not going to go anywhere with you until it does, and…” To Roxas’s horror, he found he was about to start crying again, and he wiped his eyes hastily on the back of his sleeve. “Axel, it just can’t happen.” Silence reigned after his words. For all their good intentions and the fact that the two were in love, there was nothing that could be said to offset Roxas’s words. They were true.

“Actually, um…” Namine spoke up shyly again. “I used to be a nurse, um you know, and I met Roxas there… Um… One of the big theories was that Roxas’s problem isn’t incurable. They said, um, if Roxas doesn’t push himself too hard, it should stop.”

“How?” Sora demanded. “If there’s anything to be done! We’ll do it! I swear to God we will!” The others nodded their agreement, and Namine started to smile.

“Um, I think you may have already,” she said softly. “You’ve just alleviated him of, um, a lot of guilt… Um… Look at his monitor.” They did, and found a bunch of stuff that made no sense to them, and Namine quickly finished. “His heart rate rose several levels beyond what, um, normally puts him into a fit just a minute ago,” she quickly added. “I think that maybe telling you, um, might have been enough to combat how stressed out he gets around Axel.”
Roxas stared at her. “So… You’re saying that I started the fits by trying not to let people know about them…?” Namine blushed again.

“Mind you, it’s only a theory, but, um…” She shrugged, smiling. “I think so.”

Axel looked over at Roxas, who looked back at him the exact same time. “I—” Roxas breathed. “Axel, I…”

“No more objections?” Axel inquired, grinning from ear to ear. Roxas laughed, tears in his eyes.

“Well, you do have this really annoying tendency of leaving your socks out,” Roxas commented, and let Axel pull him in for a kiss, slightly longer than was necessary or decent. The girls exchanged grins and burst into excited cheers, while most of the boys wolf whistled. Riku shook his head, smiling.

“About damn time,” he muttered, and then Sora tugged on his arm. Riku looked down at his boyfriend, and smirked. “Hey Sora… Good to see you again. I missed you.”

“Two days, Riku!” Sora whined, pulling harder on his sleeve. ‘You couldn’t even make two days without getting into huge, massive trouble! What will I do with you?” Riku smirked.

“I can think of a few things,” he murmured suggestively, and Sora giggled, leaning up on his tiptoes for a kiss.

“Results are in,” a nurse called, looking bored, and then blinked to see the previously hyperactive inhabitants of the room mostly paired off and in various stages of cuddling. She suppressed a smile. “Oi! Lovebirds! The Doc says nothing’s broken! You’re off free to go any time you want.”
Roxas grinned, elbowing Axel playfully. “You hear? That’s pretty lucky.” There were so many puns to be had with that statement, but for once Axel kept his mouth shut, letting his ecstatic grin speak for him.

“That’s great!” Namine clapped her hands, bouncing up and down in a smiling Demyx’s arms. “Are you guys leaving immediately?” She personally knew Roxas was not a big fan hospitals. When she was working with him, the time he tried to burn the place down (no fit required) had told her plenty.

“I think so,” Roxas replied, looking up at the man he loved and grinning deviously. It can easily be said that no one knew quite what he had in mind… Axel was of the opinion that whatever it was would be fun for him.

“Oh! There is one thing…” The nurse flipped the papers on her clipboard quickly. “Redhead.”

“Axel,” Axel supplied. The nurse raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. Redhead.” Axel fell silent, deciding not to push his luck and the nurse continued. “You did manage to do something to your hip. Don’t be too rough on it, or you’re gonna end up right back here again.” A suggestive grin spread across Axel’s face, and he poked Roxas in the side.

“You hear that, Roxyyyy?” He chirped. “The nurse says that you have to be g—” Roxas punched Axel in the side, glaring, and bright red once more. Marluxia let out a choking sound that sounded just like laughter, and Larxene flashed Roxas thumbs up.

“Let’s get going then!” Olette cried, grabbing the nearest people and dragging them out. The others, laughing and in utter chaos followed, Axel and Roxas last. Axel winced when he took the first step, while Roxas stared gingerly at the floor. Axel grinned, holding out his arms.

“C’mere,” Axel coaxed. “I’ll catch you.” Roxas snorted.

“You can barely support your own weight,” he told Axel, but he took Axel’s hand when he jumped out anyway. He too winced, and then they hurried to catch up with their friends who were already outside. Outside was utter chaos, a swarm of people all chattering and unable to keep grins off their faces.

“Wait, how the hell are we getting home?”

“What?! I thought you said you had a return ticket!”

“No, Seifer, I said I didn’t have the ticket! What are you? And idiot?”

“Well then, you’re dating an idiot, so there.”

“A hotel! It’ll be like a giant sleepover!”

“Did anyone bring any fucking cash?”

“Well maybe we did, maybe we didn’t…”

“Marluxia get that creepy-ass smile off your face, or I swear I’ll make you.”

“Uh, our car isn’t going to fit all of you.”

“We can squeeze in!”

“…Is anybody up for carpool?”

Roxas and Axel surveyed the chaos, repressing laughter. “Shall we leave the wicked ones to work their wicked deeds?” Roxas blinked.

“Um, wouldn’t that be kind of mean? Leaving Namine to straighten them all out…” Axel shrugged.

“We’re wounded. We get out of responsibility for free!” Axel grabbed Roxas’s hand and started to tug him down the street. Roxas went willingly, unable to keep a slight blush off his face. “Come on, dearest!”

Roxas’s blush intensified. “Don’t do that,” he muttered, looking away. “That sounds weird. Like some old married couple.”
“Married, hm…? Your wish is my command,” Axel said softly, and when Roxas looked back over at him, he was kneeling. He smiled up warmly, and kissed Roxas’s hand, making the blonde squeak. “My offer still stands, you know.”
Roxas looked dazed for a moment, and then smiled. “Will you say it again?” He beseeched. “Please?”
“Anything for you, my love,” Although the sentence coming from Axel made it seem like it should have been mocking, it wasn’t. Axel’s green eyes, glowing in the dark of the night sky, were more serious than Roxas had ever seen them. Roxas swallowed, the weight of the situation fully impressed upon him. “Roxas Itsuka… I love you with all my heart… Marry me?” Roxas found he couldn’t speak through the lump in his throat, and Axel smiled warmly up at him. “Please?”

“I don’t know,” Roxas whispered. “I mean, Namine said it was only a theory… What if it’s temporary? What if it comes back? What then?”
“Roxas, I’ll do anything to protect you,” Axel said. “That doesn’t and will not ever have an expiration date. If you ever have a fit again, I swear to God, I won’t let anyone be hurt. Not you, not me, not anyone around us. I won’t let that come between us ever again.” Roxas stared back at him, still unable to speak around the lump, and Axel kissed his hand again. “Believe in me…”

“Axel…” Was all Roxas managed, taking a step forward. All at once, Axel sprang to his feet, looking up at the sky and spreading his arms out.

“Besides! Close your eyes, Roxas. You can feel it, can’t you?” Axel lifted his head like he was going to burst into song. “Everything is going to be fine.”

“You’re such a bloody optimist,” Roxas said softly, and Axel looked at him, grinning once more.
“You’re such a bloody pessimist. See? We’re a perfect match.” He winked. “So what’s my answer? Does the optimist win or lose?”
“No surprises here,” Roxas rolled his eyes, before breaking into a sunny smile. “Of course I’ll marry you! There’s no one else in the world.” Axel’s eyes sparkled with happiness, and something far deeper that really couldn’t be put into words. He started to move towards when he blinked and stopped short. Roxas was confused. “Axel?”

0o0o0

Namine checked one last time to make sure everyone now had a ride, and the money for a hotel, and was about to return to Demyx, when Selphie called her over to her car, and rolled down the window. Namine went over, curious as to what she wanted, and Selphie grinned. “You guys absolutely have to come visit us in Twilight Town! I swear to God, you’ll love it!”

“OK!” Namine replied, excited and surprised to get the invitation. She smiled. “I’ll definitely come.”

“And then, of course, you’ll just love it so much that you’ll move down there too, right?” Namine blinked, the surprise now evident on her face, and Selphie laughed. “Hey, you’re one of us now, for better or worse! We’ll get you to move down with us one way or another, I promise!” Namine merely blinked, and then smiled a little sadly.

“Actually, Demyx and I were thinking of moving, but…” She shrugged helplessly. “I can’t just leave Roxas by himself. I don’t think he needs to be alone anymore.” Selphie smirked.

“Honestly, I think he might actually beat you there,” Selphie commented, jerking her head down the street. Namine glanced over, to see Axel kneeling in front of Roxas and looking up in his eyes. Namine gasped, and then burst into a happy smile, looking back over at Selphie, who grinned, throwing an arm around Kairi’s shoulders. “Axel’s got this really great flat up there… Think about it, hm?” With that she turned to Seifer, who was in the front seat. “Drive mortal!” The girl commanded, earning a sharp glare. The window rolled up and the car pulled away, leaving Namine to watch as one by one her new friends (?) went to find their respective places to stay. She was so wrapped up, smiling reminiscently, that she didn’t notice the rain until it absolutely started pouring. Namine let out a surprised yelp as she was drenched, which turned into a laugh, and ran over to Demyx who intercepted her with a hug. They held their hands up to catch the drops.

In their corner, Axel and Roxas were laughing at the sudden torrent, and Namine allowed herself a fond smile before looking away quickly. It’s not decent to spy on people! She reprimanded herself, and then noticed Demyx looking at her. “I’m happy for them,” she told him and he laughed.

“I can tell, Nami…” He trailed off, considering something. “Before, though… In the hospital room. You were lying, weren’t you? About that theory. There wasn’t any theory.” Namine smiled sheepishly. Demyx always had been able to see through her.

“How’d you know?” She questioned. Demyx fixed her with a level stare.

“Namine. You said ‘um’ ten times.” Demyx smiled brushing some wet hair out of her face. “Why did you say that?”
“It’s my theory,” Namine explained. “I think Roxas tries so hard to prevent the fits that he starts them… Does that make sense? He wants to look his best in front of someone he loves.”
“We all do,” Demyx replied, smiling, and Namine smiled back, before looking troubled.

“Do you think I was wrong?” She asked him, fingers tangling in his wet hair. “Should I not have lied?”
“No,” Demyx answered. “Haven’t you ever heard of hope cures? I believe in them.”

“Really?” Namine smiled, and then remembered something with a small jump. “Oh, Demyx! How do you feel about moving somewhere?” Demyx smirked.

“Twilight Town?” He inquired, and Namine giggled nervously.

“How’d you guess?”

“Selphie’s loud,” Demyx informed her. “Anyway… I think it sounds fun. Always up for an adventure, you know!” Namine just smiled, and kissed him on the cheek.

“Love you, Dem,” she whispered.

0o0o0

Sora shot out of the car as the rain began to pound to the earth, running in dizzy circles and spinning around, laughing. Riku watched him amusedly from the nice, dry car, and Sora pouted to realize he hadn’t been joined. He beckoned Riku with a finger, looking pleading. Riku sighed, nodded to Wakka, who was driving. “Hey, go ahead without us,” he smiled. “I think we’ll be here a while.”

“You got it,” Wakka replied, winking as Riku slunk out of the car, shivering as the rain came down on him. Sora beamed, taking his hand and pulling him further away, to the empty street, still loving the rain.

“Dance with me!” Sora exclaimed, and Riku took his hands with an amused smile, stepping back and forth in some kind of ad-lib waltzing dance. Sora looked content, swaying like he could hear music. Riku continued to smile at him, privately chuckling at the euphoric expression on his face. Sora was adorable.

“We’re going to get colds because of you,” he informed Sora, twirling him. Sora grinned.

“What’s a cold for a good moment?” Sora proclaimed, drawing close enough to Riku to rest his head on the other man’s chest. Apparently it had become a very slow dance… Not that Riku was complaining. He closed his arms around Sora’s slick back, and swayed back and forth to the music. He could nearly hear it too, now. “Hey Riku?” Sora spoke up.

“Hm?” Riku answered, looking down at his boyfriend, to find Sora’s face a little troubled. He looked up at Riku, completely trusting.

“Will they be OK, do you think?” Sora asked, and Riku nodded, meaning it.

“I know they’ll be fine from now on.” Riku told him, and Sora settled against his chest once more, smiling sweetly. Riku remembered something, and scowled. “Oh. Shit.”

“What is it?” Sora looked up, noticing the abrupt change in tone. Riku continued to scowl, rolling his eyes.

“We owe Namine money now,” he grumbled, and Sora just looked puzzled. “Bail money,” he finished, and Sora’s eyes widened.

“You were thrown in jail?!” He squeaked, gripping Riku’s shirt. “Oh no! Are you OK? Were you hurt? Did they do anything? Do I need to go destroy the building? Why were you there?” Riku took a moment to straighten the questions out in his mind, and then answered.

“Yes, no, no, definitely not—don’t even think about it—and I was thrown in there for a bunch of things. Lessee…” Riku pulled the information out of the recessed of his brain. “It was for resisting arrest, assaulting an officer, assaulting a civilian, two traffic tickets, and attempted suicide.” Riku paused to think unkind things about the legal system. Someone out there had a broken nose from jumping to conclusions. And the damn tranquilizer had given him one hell of a headache.

Sora seemed to sense Riku’s mood had taken a darker turn, so he leaned up to press a kiss against Riku’s lips. The scowl was erased by the time he leaned away, and Sora mentally patted himself on the back. “You had a busy day, didn’t you?” Sora giggled. “Suicide? How could you? Wouldn’t you miss me?” Riku’s face snapped back to a scowl.

“I was NOT trying to—” Another kiss derailed that train of thought, and Riku frowned at Sora. “That is so not fair.” Sora just smiled, continuing to dance with Riku to the silent tune, and then looked up.

“I want music,” he declared, and Riku snickered.

“Sora? I hate to break it to you, but I think you’re out of luck. There’s nothing to play anywhere out here.” Riku told him, twirling him around again. Sora’s eyes shined.

“You could sing,” he suggested, and Riku rolled his eyes. “Please…?” Sora coaxed, fully aware that Riku could not stand up to that tone. Riku was aware as well.

“Only for you,” he laughed. “You are the only person who can make me sing in the rain.”

0o0o0

“Crap,” Axel cursed under his breath. “I just realized… I don’t have a ring. Crap.” Roxas snickered.

“Axel? I already said I’d marry you.” He smiled. “The ring doesn’t matter that much.” Axel pouted, the effect comical on his face, and Roxas had to stifle a laugh.

“It is too!” Axel protested. “It’s not authentic without a ring… I can’t believe I forgot about it!” Roxas was grinning again, unable to stop. Axel looked back over at him, hopeful. “Would you, maybe… …Do you still have the old one?” Roxas recalled that yes, he did still have the old one, and he blushed as he remembered what he’d done with it.

“Er…” Roxas stalled nervously, scuffing a foot against the pavement. “Do you know how to remove duct tape?” Axel considered this.

“Ice?” He suggested, and Roxas thought about it too, shrugging. He was pretty sure ice only got rid of bubblegum, but it was worth a shot. Besides there were all kinds of other alternative uses for ice… Hey, he and Axel had a lot of time to catch up on!

“OK, then we should probably pick up some ice on the way ho…” Roxas blinked, pausing as something cold hit his cheek. Followed by another, and another, getting thicker and thicker until it was absolutely pouring. It was raining, torrents falling from the sky like stars in the hospital’s light. Roxas laughed in delight, lifting his head up to catch drops on his tongue and practically dancing through it. Axel smiled to see Roxas’s excitement, and he too lifted his face to feel the icy drops wash the world away.

“Axel?” Axel opened his eyes to see Roxas looking at him, face bright, brighter than ever before. Axel laughed, and scooped his fiancé into his arms, ignoring any pain he felt against his sore skin. Roxas’s arms wrapped around his neck and then they were kissing, better than floating, and Axel spun Roxas around and around all the while icy rain pouring around. Tiny droplets spun in the air around them, and faraway, someone began to sing. I love you, Axel seemed to be telling Roxas, with every touch and breath between them. His kisses were so addictive. I love you so much.

It was so strange, Roxas reflected dizzily through the kiss. From cold to warm, or from ice to fire… Axel was the only one in the world to do that. Touching him lit Roxas’s cold world completely aflame. Even now, frozen rain washing down on them, Axel’s fire was flowing through him and cold was the last thing Roxas felt. Roxas clung to him all the tighter, laughing through the wet, clumsy kiss as Axel spun him around, into another place entirely. It was the strangest world of all, but Roxas was all the way on top of it.

“There’s something that I can’t quite explain…

I’m so in love with you

You’ll never take that away…”

0o0o0

Me: There you have it! The longest fic I have ever written all in a day! I hopes ya like it! Consider it a going away present! By the way, the song mentioned is the best song in the entire world. The. Best. If you are musical at all, go listen to it!

Kaito: Lazy…

Me: Eh, shove it, Kai-chan.

Kaito: …I can’t believe you thought of something worse to call me than Kaito-kun…

Me: Never underestimate the power of an authoress, my lovelies! Now, dear people, I will make a demand of you! If you read this fic to the end, you are going to fucking review. I will sic the chillskies on you if you don’t, understand?

Kaito: I can’t believe you’re going to threaten people. Again.

Me: Silence Kai-chan!
Kaito: …I’ll be quiet if you promise never to call me that.

Me: Done!
Kaito: Then bye.

Me: Anyway, like you this story? If so, then you must send Dai a happy review asking her to get a move on and come back to fanfiction soon, okies? If you not like so much, you have two options to review with: you may say ‘Dai, put the goddamn thing into chapters or I will strangle you with a sock hook’, or you may say ‘Dai, you really should just give up because you’re really not good at this’. Understand? Remember; chillskies. All those evil little bunny rabbits…

Mizu: P-put it on your f-favorites list if you w-want!
Me: Just one review will brighten my day… Please do!