Chpater 03; Caught in the Waves

It could have been more subtle, he is highly aware of that. It should have been more subtle. Because the entire school knows he is the amateur movie-maker, and the entire school is going to wonder why he did that, and Nathaniel… Nathaniel is going to wonder too.

And Blair… Blair, maybe she won’t care, maybe she will choose to stick to his words, which is fine with him, because he doesn’t love Blair, he doesn’t care for her, and he just has to look in a mirror to convince himself, so what’s the problem?

Still, he should have been more subtle. He should have waited to be sober and burn Blair’s essay first, and he would have been more subtle. It is all because of her, the alcohol and the words, and she is a poison, a fucking deadly poison, and she is killing him. And maybe she is killing herself too.

Bulimia, it sounds so harsh.

---

There are 3 people she can’t face. First is Serena because Serena will know right away. Because that’s what best friends do, they just know, they just guess everything you try to hide and conceal and disguise. And so Blair wants to avoid Serena, at least for the ten years to come.

The second person is Nate. Yes, Nate. Because Nate can sometimes guess and then, he looks at her, all worried and sad and lost, and it just causes her more pain, and she is sick of the pain.

The bleeding hasn’t stopped yet. She can’t face Nate.

That’s why seeing him in her living room, just after having purged everything away, feels like a slap and she backs off unconsciously, looking for an escape. Because he looks sad and worried, and lost, and she is weak today, too weak to deal with this.

“Blair…”

“It’s not your fault, Nate. It’s not your fault at all.”

Which is true. She didn’t write the essay because of him, or maybe she did but he is only a part of this. Nate isn’t her whole life anymore, and his insecurities aren’t her torments anymore. Or maybe they are. Maybe they’ll always be.

That’s it, she thinks: she’ll never get the ring, but she’ll have to deal with all the shit.

“I’m sorry anyway.”

And his voice is surprisingly steady and strong and determined, and he doesn’t seem so lost if you look carefully, and she wonders when it happened, when he grew a spine of all sudden. Is it because of her? Is it because of Chuck? Of her and Chuck?

Probably because of his father. It’s always because of his father.

But she can’t face him, and she is weak, and bleeding, and he is the strong one now, and she can’t cope with this.

Because she wants to bury her face in his chest, and cry endlessly, let the dykes break and apologize for all the things she has done, even though she’s not the only culprit here.

She wants to fall in his embrace, close her eyes and pretend again. Pretend that everything is ok, and that she didn’t lie, break his heart and that he hasn’t been in love with Serena most of his life, and that they will get married, that the ring is a breath away.

“Thank you.”

And it is a bloody smile coming from a wounded heart, but at least it is sincere and true and raw, and everything that Blair usually isn’t.

She leaves him in the middle of his living room, looking a bit confused and unsure, and maybe a bit too sad for her liking.

But she is empty and sad and he is a part of it, and she has a haemorrhage to stop and she still doesn’t know how to do that.

Spotted: B! Looking like a mess while walking the streets alone and hiding behind her sunglasses. Careful Upper East Side, the Cloverfield monster is coming at you!
You know you love me,
Xoxo Gossip Girl.

---

She doesn’t like cell phones, not anymore anyway, because they pursue you everywhere and they always remind you what took you so long to forget.

The third person she can’t face is the one she tried very hard to forget. Because it isn’t about truth and worry, but about strength and hatred. Because Chuck is her alter ego, the one who can pull the cruellest revenges and use words better than she will ever do. He is the one who can cut deeper than truth, who can strike with the precision of a surgeon, and she is already bleeding, and even if she wasn’t, she couldn’t face him.

So when she sees him at the bar in the Palace, through the perfect clean windows, scotch in his hand, murder in his eyes, when she catches sight of him watching her go by, and the stupid cell phone starts ringing again, Blair think that’s it, that it is the last hit, the one that will bring her down definitely.

And she feels empty.

And he looks angry.

And she vaguely remembers words burning her. Burning, not cutting. Burning and getting infected, and now she understands, it isn’t bleeding but septicaemia.

It’s blood poisoning.

“So you rode her hard and left her wet?”

Or something like that, who cares?

“Didn’t even have to ride.”

And she has not even thought about it, about the reasons, the motivations, the logic behind his actions. Why is she sitting here anyway?

Her cell phone rings again and she remembers: that’s because her legs are weak. Too weak to support her and she needs to hold on something, and Nate’s shoulders are already burdened, and Serena is too kind, and it is all about strength anyway.

“I won’t apologize.”

All about strength.

And heat.

Of his words, of his hands, and all the memories, and the bile rasping her throat, and the tears stinging her eyes.

“I’m tired Chuck.”

And they are at the Palace, in his home, and his bedroom is a breath away. He is a breath away.

“I’m so tired”, she mumbles again, as he opens her vest and kisses her face, and it’s the limo episode all over again because he’s sweet and guilty without real guilt, and she isn’t really doing anything, lying there, underneath, all passive and willing.

So weak.

Burning.

“Chuck…”

And his only answer is a kiss on the cheek, something soft and easy and comforting, so she closes her eyes as she burns even more, and her fever rises and rises until she's nothing but ashes and she and bursts into sobs, loud and painful sobs, and the dykes break and wash everything away, the burns, the blood, the pain, the taste of sugar and grease that always stay.

And she cries and sobs, and it’s pathetic to cling to him, him of all people, because his words and hands burn too much, because he’s stronger than her and she’s weak, so weak, and yet she’s already healing.

“Blair…”

And he must be drunk again, because his voice is breaking, fucking breaking, and there’s no mirror around this damn bed.

Why is there no mirror above his bed?

---

They are the only people she can’t face. Others are parasites, useless decorum in her pretending world, and she can face them all if she wants to because she may be weak, but she’s not that weak.

And Jenny feels sick, watching Blair eat slowly (Is it a good thing that she’s eating? Please, someone tell her: is it a good thing?), watching them watching Blair.

Because she doesn’t get it, she doesn’t get their relationships. Dan told her it was because they had grown up together, the four of them, and that it was something you just couldn’t throw away. But you can grow up together and not love each other, and the way Jenny sees it, it’s all about love and need here, and not so much about memories.

Because no one in the school needs Gossip Girl to guess that Blair and Chuck are going at it again and that soon, Nate will have forgiven both of them.

Because they are all sitting at the same table, which is insane, fucking insane, and Chuck is making one of his salacious comments, and Serena is playing the outraged one, and Blair is smiling, and Nate is trying not to, and Dan looks so fucking out of it, like he doesn’t belong here.

He doesn’t belong here.

And Jenny feels sick, watching Nate slip away from her and going back to Blair and Chuck. She feels sick because she remembers his yelling at her, asking her how she could have done this to Blair, when she hadn’t done anything, when Blair would have done it.

Sick, because Serena is going to break Dan one day, because there’s no place for him in their world.

And Blair is looking at her now, and Jenny wonders if it’s going to be her turn, if the Queen is going to enrol her King into her revenge, punishing her for playing the royal game.

And she wishes they always stay that way: the four of them together, and nothing else that matters. Nothing else, no one else, so she will be safe.

Safe... Jenny realizes she fucking hates them.

Spotted: S, B, N and C eating together as if nothing ever happened. Why are you running away, J? It has always been that way!
Xoxo, Gossip Girl

The End