|ITACHI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Author: Diamond Mask PM
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of an UCHIHA ITACHI unit! With this guide, learn how to raise and love your very own Uchiha Prodigy!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Itachi U. - Words: 3,423 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 229 - Follows: 19 - Published: 02-02-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4048669
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
UCHIHA ITACHI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: This authoress does not own Naruto or any of the respective characters. The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual original format belongs to Theresa Green.
Warnings: Contains language and spoilers for chapter 386 of the manga.
A/N: Just when I thought I was done with these… well, this is my seventh guide, and I couldn't resist writing one for Itachi after reading chapter 386 of the manga. Seriously, it was too good a chance to pass up – Itachi so rarely shows emotion XD
Please read, enjoy & review!
You are now the proud owner of an UCHIHA ITACHI unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Uchiha Prodigy, read the following guide with care, as misuse of the UCHIHA ITACHI will prove hazardous to your physical and mental health.Technical Specifications
Name: Uchiha Itachi (will also respond to "Itachi-san", "Aniki", "Red-Eye" and "Come on baby, light my fire")
Age: 17 (20 if you have purchased the Shippuuden™ version)
Place of Manufacture: Hidden Leaf Village, Uchiha Clan Division.
Height: 173 cm
Weight: 57.1 kg
Length: Everything you would expect and want from a genius bishonen.
Your UCHIHA ITACHI comes with the following accessories:
One Konoha Hitai-ate©
One Fishnet Shirt
One Pair White Legwarmers
One Pair Navy Blue Sandals
One Pair Boxers (Uchiha 'paper fan' emblem pattern)
One Pair Briefs (Akatsuki 'red clouds' pattern)
One Shade Hat with bells/chimes (ribbons optional)
One Bottle Purple Nail Polish
One Akatsuki Cloak©
One 'Suzaku' Akatsuki Ring© (worn on the right ring finger)
One Weapons Pouch (with assorted kunai and shuriken)
Please note the default outfit (i.e. everything the UCHIHA ITACHI is wearing under his Akatsuki Cloak© at the moment of purchase) equipped to your new unit is not necessarily a permanent feature. The owner is perfectly at liberty to do whatever he/she wishes to do with the said unit, including the removal and replacement of clothes. If you want him to be naked under the cloak, go ahead. If you want to dress him in a schoolgirl uniform, go get your head examined.
Also, note that two pairs of underwear have been included with your UCHIHA ITACHI. It has not been decided whether he is a boxers or briefs kinda guy. In addition, the Konoha Hitai-ate© accessory has not been damaged during shipping – the scratch through the leaf emblem symbolises his status as a missing-nin and an evil (yet misunderstood) badass.Removing your UCHIHA ITACHI from his box
By reading this section carefully and following all instructions, extracting your new Uchiha Prodigy from his box should be a relatively easy and painless procedure.
Remove all outer packaging (i.e. the adhesive tape and steel chains that prevent your ITACHI from escaping during shipping) and open the top of the box. Carefully dangle a pair of fake UCHIHA SASUKE eyes where the ITACHI can see them to attract his attention. When he makes a grab for them, quickly snatch them out of his reach and try to coax him out into the open. Once he has fully emerged, give him the fake eyes and sneak up behind him while he is trying to put them in. Give him a good whack over the head and roll his unconscious body over (if needed) to gain access to the small control panel located on the back of his neck. Enter the enclosed ownership code here. This ensures your UCHIHA ITACHI will not kill you when he wakes up and will allow you to enjoy the many benefits and delights of owning an UCHIHA ITACHI!
WARNING: If the box is empty upon opening, the preventive measures have failed and the unit has escaped. He is most likely standing behind you.
Feel free to panic.Programming
Your UCHIHA ITACHI has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:
Assassin: The UCHIHA ITACHI unit has been trained to kill, maim and torture others since he learned to walk, so it is with no surprise that we inform all owners of his status as a cold-blooded killer. With his remarkable genjutsu skills, the UCHIHA ITACHI will reduce any target of your choosing to gibbering wrecks with a mere glance or point of his finger. Caution: if the Mangekyo Sharingan ability has been activated for an extended period, skills such as Death by Kunai© and Tsukuyomi© will put a greater strain on his energy reserves and become less effective.
Male Model: With a gorgeous face devoid of any emotion and a slim supple figure, your UCHIHA ITACHI is a prime candidate for the catwalk! By renting out your unit, you can sit back and gloat as he graces every catwalk from Paris to Milan while you rake in the millions. Note: do not feel guilty about pimping out your UCHIHA ITACHI – his programming does not extend to caring.
Artist: He may not be Da Vinci or Van Gogh but the UCHIHA ITACHI is capable of reproducing the greatest works of art in history with one flick of a Sharingan© guided wrist. If your lounge is looking a little sparse, spruce it up with a stunning copy of Starry Night, or wow your friends with his dazzling renditions of the Mona Lisa!
Eye Thief: Are you tired of gazing into the same old black eyes everyday? Do you fancy seeing your Uchiha Prodigy with a pair of sparkling blue eyes from the local UZUMAKI NARUTO? For more fashion-conscious owners, all UCHIHA ITACHI units are built with detachable eyes designed to pop out at the press of a button. Simply dispatch your unit with orders to claim a new pair of eyes by saying "Go, seek your new light!" and with any luck he will return sporting a brand new pair of eyes. Be sure to remind your ITACHI to keep his original eyes in his pocket for safekeeping.
Your UCHIHA ITACHI will come with the following modes:
Uchiha Massacre (locked)
Out of Character (locked)
Unlike other units, the UCHIHA ITACHI is perfectly capable of unlocking his own Out of Character mode. Once his Mangekyo Sharingan© ability has matured, he will begin losing his sight and immediately start seeking an UCHIHA SASUKE unit with the same ability in order to steal his eyes. It is essential at this point for the owner not to panic if their unit bursts into frequent displays of maniacal laughter and insane facial expressions – this uncharacteristic behaviour simply indicates that he has shifted into Out of Character mode. Grab your unit before he leaves the house, chain him down and get programming!
When it comes to his Slash mode, the UCHIHA ITACHI requires delicate handling: the slightest wrong move could leave another unit maimed for life or dead. However, poetry and other wooing techniques or romantic gestures could easily have the same effect (your Uchiha Prodigy can be a fickle creature). It is better to stick to units that the UCHIHA ITACHI is familiar with, such as the HOSHIGAKI KISAME or UZUMAKI NARUTO.Relations with Other Units
UCHIHA SASUKE: Otherwise known as "Foolish Little Brother", the UCHIHA SASUKE unit exists as a spare for his older brother to obtain the full power of the Mangekyo Sharingan©, and get rid of that pesky blindness. Unfortunately, while the ITACHI is waiting for this time to come, UCHIHA SASUKE units will repeatedly (and futilely) attempt to kill him with their powerful weapons of teen angst and overwhelming emo-ness.
HOSHIGAKI KISAME: UCHIHA ITACHI units will tolerate these fishy nins and operate freely with them as a partner in the Akatsuki. The HOSHIGAKI KISAME is also quite useful to have around, as he looks to the ITACHI for instructions and will always try to protect him. Both should get along quite well since they have a lot in common – each is crazy in their own special way and both have a complete indifference for family life.
UZUMAKI NARUTO: Although a large majority of his time and energy will be devoted to capturing this hyperactive fox, the UCHIHA ITACHI will rapidly lose interest in him once the UCHIHA SASUKE matures. While this may disappoint ItaNaru fans, Uchihacest fans will rejoice all over the world (as they are undoubtedly already are thanks to Kishimoto – honestly, how much more of a hint do you need than this whole "You will be my light" crap?).
HATAKE KAKASHI: Your UCHIHA ITACHI will quickly dismiss HATAKE KAKASHI units as inferior and unleash powerful genjutsus on them. The helpless Copy Nin will be trapped in a swirling void where the UCHIHA ITACHI stabs him repeatedly or burns millions of copies of Icha Icha Paradise over a period of seventy-two hours. Your HATAKE KAKASHI will never be the same again after that torture so you might as well dispose of him.
UCHIHA SHISUI: The former best friend of the UCHIHA ITACHI unit. Of course, it goes without saying that their friendship fell apart when the ITACHI murdered him to get his hands on the Mangekyo Sharingan© ability.
UCHIHA MADARA: This mysterious missing-nin was the sneaky bastard who went to go and train the UCHIHA ITACHI behind the backs of the clan and thus instigated the slaughter of the entire family. MADARA was also the one to recruit him into the Akatsuki – this makes him a heartless asshole and a pimp. Okay, given that the Akatsuki was the perfect place for ITACHI to hide and wait until the UCHIHA SASUKE matured, it was no wonder he said yes, but still. Obviously, the UCHIHA ITACHI forms part of his plan for world domination (or else MADARA just wanted a hot piece of Uchiha ass).
OROCHIMARU: The Snake Sannin tried to steal the body of UCHIHA ITACHI so he could transfer himself into it to achieve immortality (but we all know the real reason he wanted an ITACHI – it was the reason you bought one). Of course, ITACHI totally pwned his ass by chopping off his hand and OROCHIMARU was forced to leave the Akatsuki in humiliation, taking his severed hand and Akatsuki Ring© as a souvenir. Then he tried to molest –I mean, steal– UCHIHA SASUKE and got pwned again until he died.
UCHIHA CLAN: The UCHIHA ITACHI killed all of his clan members, including his parents. When asked why, he replied "I did it for the lulz", but the manufacturers have since realized that this is not the real reason and have settled for the boring version presented in the manga.
AKATSUKI LEADER (well, he was until the UCHIHA MADARA showed his face): Also known as PEIN, this depressed and angry looking missing-nin spends his time running an evil organization. By working for a PEIN, the UCHIHA ITACHI spends his time doing dirty work such as laundry, dishes and cooking – wait, no… sorry, those are the duties of a TOBI unit. The only job an UCHIHA ITACHI has to do is go out and kill people to earn money for PEIN. Which means that PEIN is a glorified pimp with dubious ethics, hence the flashy bling stuck all over his face.
AKATSUKI PLAYSET: (Contains the KONAN, TOBI, DEIDARA, SASORI, KAKUZU, HIDAN and ZETSU units). UCHIHA ITACHI units will generally ignore these units, unless he is forced to acknowledge their presence. HIDAN units generally dislike being ignored, and will complain incessantly if they feel are being treated unfairly. In the case of the DEIDARA, it is best to keep them apart: not only does the DEIDARA despise all UCHIHA ITACHI units, the ITACHI has no opinion about art, and for that insult alone, a DEIDARA would bomb the shit out of him. Your unit should get on reasonably well with the KONAN, KAKUZU, SASORI and ZETSU units.Cleaning
All UCHIHA ITACHI units are like robots, and will not protest if you insist on bathing them personally. In fact, they will do little else other than just stand there while you play some fun games with water, soap and towels.
WARNING: If you have a unit that seems to be particularly resistant to the idea of being bathed, DO NOT FORCE THE ISSUE. It will get you killed. Instead, gently coax your unit into allowing you to share his shower but minimise contact for your own safety until he can be persuaded that bath time was really meant to involve two people doing questionable things.Feeding
Your UCHIHA ITACHI will always eat enough to fill his stomach at mealtimes, never exceeding his limit. He should be fed three balanced meals a day and increasing portions of foods containing vitamin A or feeding him a daily vitamin supplement is highly recommended. Caution: to avoid extensive property damage, keep your unit away from the kitchen. The UCHIHA ITACHI was not equipped with culinary skills, and will probably end up unleashing Amaterasu© on the stove to ease his frustration.Rest
Given that your unit will become sensitive to light, it is recommended that he wear a sleeping mask at night. Other sleeping arrangements are optional as the UCHIHA ITACHI will be comfortable sleeping alone or sharing the bed. Do not be surprised if your ITACHI acts like a cold fish in bed, this is perfectly natural for a unit that comes off as completely asexual. Use your fangirl (or fanboy) wiles to charm the pants off him – literally! Of course, this might only provoke him, but he should respond eventually. He may be socially inept, but he also has hormones to burn.
WARNING: the manufacturers will not be held responsible for any marital/ relationship disputes that arise from any dubious activities between the owner and their unit.Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My UCHIHA ITACHI is going through far too many kunai a week, and my wallet is starting to feel the strain. I thought he was some kind of genius, so why does he keep missing so many of his targets?
A: Has your ITACHI recently killed an UCHIHA SHISUI unit? If so, congratulations! He has unlocked the Mangekyo Sharingan© ability, the ultimate manifestation of the Uchiha bloodline limit! Unfortunately, this also causes him to go blind. If you have a spare UCHIHA SASUKE lying around, transfer his eyes to your ITACHI, and you should see an improvement in his aim. Note: buying a pair of dark glasses and a cane for your unit will not solve the problem.
Q: I instructed my ITACHI to go out and get a new pair of eyes and he came back with a ROCK LEE! Before I could stop him, he popped them in and threw out his original ones. What can I do? He looks hideous!
A: Explain to him that the eyes of a ROCK LEE are useless since the unit is incapable of using ninjutsu or genjutsu, and is completely void of any bloodline abilities. Suggest the eyes of a HYUUGA NEJI instead – they are more useful, more special and prettier!
Q: My UCHIHA ITACHI suddenly started swearing and complaining uncontrollably. Hey, is he defective?
A: No, but spending an excessive amount of time with a HIDAN will do that to a person. Curb his social time with HIDAN units and force him to spend more time with units less likely to swear, such as the self-proclaimed "good boy" TOBI.
Q: All I want is a peaceful life with my UCHIHA ITACHI, but we never get a second of peace with all the UCHIHA SASUKE units running around trying to kill him. I told my ITACHI to get rid of them, but he just told me that he had no time for foolish little brothers and went to stalk the local UZUMAKI NARUTO instead! Please help!
A: All you need to do is activate Mangekyo Sharingan© and wait for your ITACHI to realise that he is going blind. He will be forced to acknowledge the fresh supply of eyes waiting outside and voila! Your SASUKE pest problem will be cleared up in no time, leaving you free to enjoy your UCHIHA ITACHI without any interference from idiot little brothers with too much angst on their hands.
Q: I keep finding all those dead NAMELESS SUNA SHINOBI units lying around my house and my UCHIHA ITACHI has disappeared each time!
A: Sounds like your ITACHI has been using random units to avoid some of his responsibilities while meditating on a hill somewhere. This jutsu was taught to him by the AKATSUKI LEADER, so the first thing you should do is reprimand the guilty PEIN and start searching for your ITACHI – begin with the closest hill/mountain to your home or send the AKATSUKI PLAYSET out as a search-party.
Q: Can you recommend a suitable breeding partner for my UCHIHA ITACHI?
A: Given that this unit is generally uninterested in sexual activities, finding a suitable breeding partner will prove difficult, and when one is found, certain precautions must be taken: for example, the HARUNO SAKURA with her patent "OMG, Sasuke-kun!" attitude might provoke your UCHIHA ITACHI so a gag is recommended. (Note: the SAKURA should not complain but in the case that she does protest, explain that the older brother is far superior in certain areas. If she still pines for a SASUKE, hack into her Out of Character mode and chuck her into the bedroom with a naked ITACHI).
If you do not want to chance a pink-haired baby, we suggest using a YUUHI KURENAI (if you can pry her away from the SARUTOBI ASUMA unit) for offspring blessed with incredible genjutsu abilities. Alternatively, purchase the Male Pregnancy No Jutsu upgrade and breed with any suitable male unit.
Q: I wanted some hot Uchihacest action, but my UCHIHA ITACHI just broke his brother's wrist, shoved him against the wall and forced extreme physical and emotional trauma on him!
A: Unfortunately, your UCHIHA ITACHI is aware that the SASUKE is not emotionally mature enough to handle an Uchihacest relationship and only wants to piss him off for the moment. If you upgrade to the UCHIHA SASUKE Shippuuden™ Edition, you will find that your ITACHI will only be too happy to provide some steamy yaoi entertainment once he gets his new eyes.Troubleshooting
Problem: Your neighbour keeps confusing her YAGAMI LIGHT with your UCHIHA ITACHI.
Solution: This is a common problem once the UCHIHA ITACHI begins adopting the same maniacal facial expressions as the YAGAMI LIGHT from the Death Note© range. Warn your unit that his face will freeze if he keeps doing it and he will be stuck looking like a crazed dobe for the rest of his life.
Problem: Your UCHIHA ITACHI has been bumping into a lot of furniture lately.
Solution: Purchase a "Guide Shark" (the special edition HOSHIGAKI KISAME, complete with specialised harness and leash) or the Shippuuden™ version of UCHIHA SASUKE for a fresh pair of eyes. For more stingy owners, the purchase of a cane is recommended.
Problem: Your UCHIHA ITACHI has decided he wants to reconcile and play happy families with an UCHIHA SASUKE.
Solution: Send him back for a system overhaul. Immediately.
Problem: Your UCHIHA ITACHI has been distancing himself from you for no apparent reason.
Solution: Uh-oh. This could only mean that your unit has begun training under an UCHIHA MADARA who has convinced him to kill his clan, i.e. you. There is nothing that can be done to prevent this, and sending an ANBU squad to eliminate the UCHIHA MADARA will be a waste of time and money. To protect yourself, you can either: (a) purchase a fully matured UCHIHA SASUKE and explain to your ITACHI that there is no need to destroy you because he can get his eyes right away; or (b) beat him over the head with a stick and pray amnesia is a part of his programming.Final Note
With tender loving care, your Uchiha Prodigy will grow up to become a physically stunning and exceptionally gifted young man despite the fact that he has the emotional capacity of a brick and the social skills of a cactus. Nonetheless, the UCHIHA ITACHI is a Certified Bishonen and will provide you and your descendents with first-rate service and an abundance of genius Uchiha babies for hundreds of years. To ensure that he is well cared for after your death, be sure to state in your will which person will be lucky enough to inherit an UCHIHA ITACHI.