|Edge's Rated R Alphabet
Author: Failure Turtle PM
Edge takes his hand at writing a children's book to teach kids across America the alphabet. Oneshot.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Edge - Words: 2,411 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 38 - Follows: 2 - Published: 02-02-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4050129
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I don't know…I just had to. My sister and I were discussing children's books, and…you'll see.
How can you people tell me that I am not a caring person? I care…in my own way. I care so much that I'm doing this for the troubled youth of America. Their educational system is crap compared to Canada's. I'm going to write this lovely little story type deal to educate the kindergarteners of the USA and convert the little demons into certified Edgeheads. Maybe then they won't elect idiots into the White House. Psh. I'm doing a good thing for these kids. You better thank me for this. I think that I'll call this "Edge's Rated-R Alphabet." This is going to be a bestseller that Mick Foley wishes he could have written.
A is for Adam
Yes, Edgeheads, A is for Adam, which just so happens to be my first name. Thank God that I stick by "Edge" now. "Adam" is just too common for me. Kids, if your parents named you Adam, spear them now. And then you may refer to yourself as Edge's little minion. Remember how Christian was CLB? You can be ELM. No, that is in no reference to a type of tree. That is the wrong subject.
B is for bitch
Egads! You all must learn to swear someday, kids. If your parents hide such words from you, you'll say them without knowing what they mean, and that just might be the worst thing to happen. My publisher will most likely remind me that this is a children's book, and that I shouldn't swear. Remember, kids, my aim is to teach you all how to be just like me to make the world a better place. So if your parents yell at you for swearing, give them another spear.
C is for Copeland and Christian
Copeland is my last name, which you can search under to read my other literary great, "Adam Copeland On Edge." If you read that, you will better understand my pure genius. See? I'm teaching kids to read so that they can read other great books. Take that, George Orwell. I don't write about animals that talk to each other. I write about the coolest thing in the world, and that's me. Christian is my former tag team partner that I mentioned in the "A" section. Together, he and I totally took over the tag team division. Take that, Hardyz.
D is for Deal or No Deal
I was on Deal or No Deal with my former tag team partner, Randy Orton. We were there to make sure that the blasted Sign Guy wouldn't walk away with money that he doesn't need. It's too bad that John Cena and Bobby Lashley came and crashed the party. They just wanted to eat the cake, but Christian came in beforehand and ate it all. See, publisher? I'm talking about cake, and that's a childish subject. Oh, and see, we were successful in making sure that Sign Guy didn't get the million. I guess that was just one dilemma that Super Cena couldn't save someone from.
E is for Edge
Of course, I do have to name one of these after myself because I just rock that much. I think it's pretty self explanatory. Wait, you guys are like five and probably don't know what that means just yet. I'm going to expand your vocabulary, children. Trust me, this will raise your SAT scores in the future, so you better be writing me thank you letters in twelve to thirteen years. That means that it explains itself.
F is for freaking awesome
It's because I am freaking awesome. I usually refer to it as "reeking of awesomeness." More often, I just say "I am awesome." Who can deny the truth? That's just as bad as lying, and you kids know how bad it is to lie. Well, there is one exception to the "lying is bad" rule. When your mom asks you if you ate a cookie before dinner, deny at all costs. Blame it on your dad if she notices that a cookie is missing. If your dad isn't home, spear your mom and call her a fat bitch.
G is for Guerrero
I only say this because I own Vickie and Chavo Guerrero. She does whatever I want and gives me whatever I want. I am simply a man that you cannot deny. And Chavo owes me big time. I basically won the ECW Championship for you.
H is for my hardcore match against Mick Foley at Wrestlemania 22
Yeah, that pretty much won 2006 Match of the Year. I'm even going to pull my own quote from the Best of 2006 issue of WWE Magazine.
"As much as I hate and despise everyone and everything, I actually appreciate this honor. Mick and I both had a fire lit under us, and our goal was to steal the show at Wrestlemania. I'd like to think when everything is said and done, I'll be remembered for matches like that one. I'm trying to be humble, but anytime that you can beat Mick Foley's ass and get accolades for it, you've accomplished something big."
Now, I think I've grown since I've said that. I don't hate everything…just nearly everything. I like myself. I like being well endowed. I like my championship reigns. And getting praised for beating Mick Foley is huge because it is something that even you five year old wastes of sperm can do.
I is for Intercontinental Championship
I am a five time Intercontinental Champion. Why am I so freaking awesome? I don't know. You kids should be honored that I am allowing my awesomeness to rub off on you fools simply by allowing you to read this work of art that I have so carefully created.
J is for Jerk of the Year in 2006
I'd rather be hated than loved. But the fact that there are people out there that love me make it even better, even though I don't give a damn about them. It just makes me an even bigger jerk, and that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it. I'm pulling another quote from myself out of that same magazine.
"There are far greater jerks in the world, like DX or John Cena. However, I will revel in this award. I will pretend that being Jerk of the Year is a nice, hot bathtub full of bubbly soap, and I will sit in it 'till my hands get pruny. I will bathe in my own jerkness juices."
Yeah, DX and John Cena are still bigger jerks than I am, but I am honored that you all hate me so much. It makes it oh so much more fun for me and less fun for you. Being Jerk of the Year is nice. I loved it so much, and I will continue to love it. I'm just upset that Randy Orton stole that honor from me in 2007. See? I've said it before; he lives in my glory. He's jealous.
K is for King of the Ring and King Edge the Awesome
I was the 2001 King of the Ring. I beat out Hardcore Holly, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Christian, Kane, Big Show, Raven, Test, Steve Blackman, Perry Saturn, Crash Holly, Tajiri, Rhyno, Tazz, and last and the most least, Kurt Angle to win this tournament. I was crowned "King Edge the Awesome," even though I always held that title. Hey, it's a better gimmick than Booker T's transfer to King Book-ah.
L is for Lita and ladder match
Lita was awesome…and hot. That needs no explanation. You know you've achieved Edge-level awesomeness when you've landed a bangin' chick like Lita. But no chick is bangin' like Lita, so all of you are SOL. I am the king of the ladder match. No one rocks those quite like I do. Heck (I refrained from using hell just for you kids), I'm all over the ladder match DVD, so there's your proof. I know how everything needs to be proved these days. Damn plagiarism in schools.
M is for Mind of Mencia
I owned episode 213 of Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central. It was a religious royal rumble. Stupid Tom Cruise came in with his stupid Scientology and won. I wouldn't have any of that. I speared him like he deserves to be for knocking up Katie Holmes. Sorry, kids, if you don't understand my slang. You'll pick up on it.
N is for the New Jersey Devils
I'm from Canada, the greatest nation in the history of nations. We OWN the hockey scene. It's better than football, for crying out loud. They play music when fights break out! I like the New Jersey Devils, and so should you.
O is for orgasm
Hey, you'll understand what this word means in a couple of years. I'm saying that "O is for orgasm" in the Rated-R Alphabet because whenever I'm on television, all the ladies get them just by looking at me. I think it's the hair.
P is for pwned
I've pwned John Cena more times than anyone else has been pwned in the history of…life. New Year's Revolution…WWE Draft Lottery…the possibilities are endless. You know how Cena is Superman? Well, I'm his kryptonite. I just wish that it was me instead of Kennedy and Orton on the night that Cena got injured. Damn Orton, ruining my fun again.
Q is for queer
Now, I must teach you about things that I am not. I am not queer, so queer is something that you should never call me. Do you want to get speared? Nope.
R is for Rated-R Superstar
This is my nickname. I'm sure your parents gave you all nicknames such as Tiger, Tyke, Stinker, Baby, Honeybunch…Ew. I have to keep it Rated-R for a reason that I explain when you read the "X" section. Everyone hates me because they're jealous that they can't be a Rated-R Superstar like me.
S is for Sexton Hardcastle
You little kids are probably laughing at such a funny name. That was my former ring name before I became the ever wonderful Edge. The name still fits me, though.
T is for Triple Crown Champion and TLC
I am one of seventeen Triple Crown Champions. I bet you're wondering what a Triple Crown Champion is. Well, it is someone that won either the WWE or World Heavyweight Championship, the WWE and World Tag Team championship, and the Intercontinental Championship. I'm not sure why, but the United States Championship doesn't count. I've won both the WWE and World Heavyweight Championships. I've won both the WWE and World Tag Team Championships. I've won the Intercontinental Championship five times. Why am I so awesome? I don't know. I guess if you add it all up, I'm a four time Triple Crown Champion. Yeah, suck on that. As for TLC matches, I own them, just like ladder matches. Find me someone better, I dare you. Even if you could, I've probably already beaten them.
U is for the Undertaker
Ha. Along with pwning Cena, I've also pwned the Undertaker. Have you seen Survivor Series? I totally screwed him over. Pwning Undertaker brings joy to my life. According to all the rumors circulating on the internet, it appears as if I am going to be facing Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Streak vs. Streak. Um…Ha. Ha to the highest extreme.
V is for violence
My tag is sex and violence, two things that describe the pure essence of Edge-ism. I suppose that it is more appropriate to discuss violence with children than it is sex, but violence isn't that great for kids, either. Hardcore matches. TLC matches. Ladder matches. Con-chair-tos. I'm just too bloody rad. Violence doesn't scare me. It helps to define me.
W is for the World Heavyweight Championship
I am a two time, and the current, World Heavyweight Champion. I own the WWE. I don't care if you like it or not. If you like it, it's more fun for you. If you hate it, it's more fun for me. Take your pick, jerks.
X is for X-rated
You see, I have to keep it Rated-R Superstar on television. If I kept it to my usually X-rated real life persona like outside the ring, the WWE would be kicked off television. I'd be out of a job, and you kids wouldn't be able to see me anymore. How sad. Yet again, I must remind myself that this is a children's book.
Y is for "You Think You Know Me"
That was the title of my former entrance theme. It also starts off my current one. Why? Well, you people do think that you know me, but you really don't. You think you know what I'm going to do next. That is your downfall and my rise.
Z is for zinger!
I know you kids probably think that is a funny last remark. It is. When I speared Cena for the second time to win my first WWE Championship reign, in my mind, I was like "zinger!" It's kind of like that popular "burn" thing that's so "down" with you kids today. I prefer my own slang, thank you very much. Look, I just taught you yet another new vocabulary word. I should be a teacher.
I hope you all learned so much about the alphabet from reading this book. I believe that this is a positive contribution to the education of American children. If you don't like it, then you should move to Canada to get a proper education.