|Hogwarts Next Top Model
Author: Zayz PM
AU MWPP era. In January of their 6th year, the Marauders come up with their best boredom buster to date - a recreation of the show America's Next Top Model, along with a lovely prize. Drama and hilarity in equal parts promptly ensue. R&R?Rated: Fiction T - English - Drama/Parody - Chapters: 22 - Words: 153,530 - Reviews: 698 - Favs: 274 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 06-08-09 - Published: 02-04-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4053950
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I was supposed to get this up the other day, but unfortunately, something happened and I lost the document with all my edits and changes. However, it's here now, and there you have it. Enjoy!
Year: Mid-winter of 6th
Ship: Mainly LJ, but it varies
Genres: Romance, drama, angst
Rating: PG-13 for language
Disclaimer: C'mon people; I own neither HP nor America's Next Top Model – I'm only playing with the ideas because I am bored and have nothing better to do with my life right now. Don't you know that already??
Other Information: It's a modern-day parody, which means it's AU, but essentially, I'm planning for it to be a Harry Potter version of America's Next Top Model with some minor adjustments – filled with the usual drama, competition, girly cattiness etc. Enjoy!!
It's just another Saturday in January at Hogwarts this afternoon – nothing more.
It's lightly snowing outside, the cotton-swab flakes kissing the ground below them gently and coating the grass with a thick layer of frozen water from the heavens, and all anybody indoors wants to do was curl up by a window with a glass of hot cocoa. A playfully arctic draft is playing about the ankles of students who are unfortunate enough to wear their socks a little too low and their robes a little too high; which forces such people to take refuge in the library, which is about ten degrees warmer than the rest of the castle. The amount of homework assigned for the weekend helps this decision considerably, but everybody prefers to neatly overlook this fact, since it's rather a grim one.
However, a select group of four Gryffindors are not following the pack hiding out downstairs – they were the ones who had suggested it in the first place, but then quickly bored of the novelty when it spread through the school like wildfire. They're up in the Gryffindor common room instead, which is cozy and welcoming because of its emptiness, and they have the good chairs by the fire – yes, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew feel like kings of the world as they indulge in the silence surrounding them, only occasionally speaking to inquire after the time or something of similar matter.
Time passes languidly in this fashion for quite a while, until Sirius suddenly receives the bright idea to magically summon marshmallows from the kitchens and roast them on his wand in front of the fire, and they are only now getting done. Pleased with himself, he takes a bite of the most burnt one, and becomes the first to speak in about an hour by addressing James and declaring, "Prongs, today is utterly boring. I wish it was the full moon; I want to do something, rather than just sit here and eat my shitty marshmallows."
"Those look rather good, actually," Peter pips up upon hearing this. "Give me one."
Sirius rolls his eyes but hands one over, and it's promptly tossed into Peter's mouth. After chewing a moment, Peter comments, "I was right, they are nice."
"Take them, then," Sirius says, passing him the wand of marshmallows. "Just give me the wand when you're through."
"Will do," Peter replies happily, eating an entire marshmallow whole.
James observes this with a snort, but answers the original statement by remarking, "I know what you mean. What do you reckon we do though?"
"How about the homework you've neglected?" Remus suggests, as is inevitable. "I did mine in the morning."
"Nah," Sirius responds lazily, as is also inevitable. "I don't want to. Not now, anyway – how about later?"
"So long as later doesn't mean ten minutes before the class starts," Remus replies.
Sirius throws his friend a look, but otherwise ignores him as he watches Peter eat his marshmallows instead. "Fair enough, I suppose." His eyes mist over for a few moments before he proclaims, "I want to kiss a girl."
"When don't you want to kiss a girl?" Peter asks, his tone muffled owing to his full mouth. He swallows enormously. "But don't you have a girlfriend you could snog?"
"No," Sirius says. "Elena broke up with me yesterday."
"Sorry, mate," James offers sympathetically. "Did she say why?"
"Said I didn't spend as much time as I should with her," Sirius says matter-of-factly. "I didn't mind though; I was probably going to break up with her anyway." He flicks some dirt out from under his fingernails unconcernedly. "She just beat me to it."
James claps Sirius on the shoulder. "Again, sorry."
Sirius nods, but then says, "I still wish it was the full moon though – that would give me something to do."
"Full moons are painful; I don't need one right now," Remus complains. "I have some extra reading from the textbook I have to do, and I can't exactly get it done if I'm a werewolf, can I?"
James, Sirius, and Peter appear utterly revolted by the idea of reading textbooks on their own accords, but it's James who retorts, "Why in the name of Merlin would we care about that?"
"I don't know…maybe to reduce the amount of homework you get later so you have more time to date girls or play Quidditch," Remus says readily, prepared far in advance for the question.
"Nah, I'd rather just date girls full time," Sirius decides. "School doesn't involve women in sexy clothes, does it?"
"Yes it does," James says. "My school life revolves around Lily Evans; who, by the way, makes even our boring uniform look sexy."
Sirius makes a noise. "She's all right, but her breasts are too small. Hannah Middleton is much sexier, if you want me to hook you up with her."
"No, it's okay," James refuses. "And Lily's breasts aren't small – they're perfect!"
Remus shakes his head despondently while Peter chokes on the marshmallow he had been eating. "How would you know that, James?" Peter asks. "She gives you a death glare every time you look at them."
"Maybe, but the point I'm trying to make is that she's gorgeous; and that she's the only girl I'm currently interested in," James informs the three of them.
"Why do you care so much?" Sirius demands. "I mean, half the girls in this castle could be supermodels if they wanted to be, but the only one you can think about is damn Evans. Do you know how irritating it is for those of us that are actually open-minded about women?"
"And men," Remus comments under his breath.
Peter and James burst into snickers, but Sirius disregards this slight as he looks expectantly to the boy in question. James doesn't respond for a moment, but when he does, his eyes have a misty look to them.
"Wouldn't it be kind of fun if we got all those girls together in tight clothes and made them model for us?" he asks. "You'd get your array of girls to hit on, and I'd get to feast my eyes on Evans."
Sirius gives out an excited giggle, as does Peter, but Remus objects, "Isn't that a bit shallow-minded? Why would you make them model for you – what entertainment would you find from it?"
"So you're saying that seeing a girl model for you in a bikini is not a sight to see?" Sirius inquires, his tone incredulous. He seems to be having some difficulty grasping such an unthinkably easy concept.
"Well, yes," Remus says with full conviction. "Making girls parade around the room wearing next to nothing holds no appeal for me."
All three teenagers gasp in horror, but Sirius recovers first, as usual. "Moony, mate, are you honestly daft enough to have to ask why we want to get girls to model for us?"
"Yes," Remus answers simply. "Enlighten me."
Rendered speechless by his disbelief, Sirius quiets, so Peter takes over by saying, "They're bloody gorgeous, Lupin. You shouldn't need more than that."
"You might be smart in school, but you still have a lot to learn about things that matter," James adds wisely. "Like chicks. Don't you want to get married?"
Remus opens his mouth to contradict, but Sirius cuts him off by suddenly regaining his powers of vocalization and insisting, "We should actually get some models in here to educate him and see what we mean."
"Good idea," Peter agrees. "When should we do it? How should we do it?"
"I know this Muggle programme in America called, 'America's Next Top Model,'" James volunteers. "They take the ten most beautiful girls that audition, put them together in one manner house, and make them do all these challenges; photo-shoots, commercials, and stuff."
"I like this so far, but how in the world would you know that, Prongs?" Sirius asks, the corners of his mouth twitching as though aching to let his handsome mouth laugh.
"Don't ask; it's a long story that involves my very annoying, distant cousins who are Muggle girls that can try the patience of a saint – or of Moony – when they don't watch the television they want," James says, his voice distinctly disgruntled. "Anyway, each week, they focus on some point of modeling before doing a photo-shoot or something. After the shoot, the judges discuss, or in their words deliberate, on how well the girls did, and which one of them is eliminated. They may have good photos, but if the judges don't like their personalities, then they can still be booted. When the last girl is standing, she gets money and a contract."
"I love it," Sirius declares after a moment of digesting this description. "We could pull a few strings, get the ten girls in one dormitory, and make them model at night, after classes end…"
"Yeah," Peter concurs excitedly, his mousy tone rising a few octaves higher than they generally are in his fervor. "And the prize can be…a date with one of us!" He grinned to himself upon coming up with this plan; obviously, he was partial to the idea of dating the most satisfactory girl out of the bunch.
"Brilliant!" James beams, approving everything with the light in his eyes. "Let's do this."
"Wait a minute, would you please?" Remus cuts in, his tone business-like the way it always is before he attempts to dash the hopes of the three rather silly young men he had befriended. "A couple of my cousins watch that programme as well, now that I think on it, and from what I've gathered of it, we could never recreate that."
"Why not?" Peter asks, his face falling. "We pick the ten hottest girls in school, put them in a dormitory together, set up some photo-shoots, take pictures, chuck a girl out every week, and move on; it's foolproof."
"There are a lot of logistical problems we have to consider first," Remus says. "For example, where do you propose we get all the equipment? How do we do this without anyone knowing it's us? Where do we find dresses, make-up, and stylists?"
"Really, all you need equipment-wise is a camera, which we can easily buy in Hogsmeade," Peter rationales.
"I can get a few girls in fourth year to help me with the girly crap," James suggests.
"Perfect!" Sirius laughs as he considers the very real possibility of recreating this modeling show. "I now have an excuse to be an official chick judge and see Evans in the tightest clothes money can buy!"
"You sicken me," Remus says, grimacing. "You all sicken me. I refuse to be a judge and watch all of this ensue in front of my eyes."
"Aww, come on," Sirius whines. "Why not? It would be fun!"
"No, it wouldn't," Remus argues. "Like I said, this holds no appeal for me at all whatsoever."
James pouts. "What could we do to convince you to do this for us?"
Remus considers, his attention caught. "Maybe…do your homework when I do mine over the time that this little experiment of yours lasts? I would love to see some proper responsibility instilled in you."
"Eww," Sirius says, wrinkling his nose. "That's kind of harsh; are you sure that's what you want? I could get you a date with Jillian Matthews, she'd probably fancy you…"
"I'm quite sure," Remus says firmly. "Homework on time and no complaining to me about how difficult the subject matter is the night before an exam, and that goes for all of you – are we understood?"
"Fine," Peter grudgingly agrees, dragging out the single word to convey his utter irritation.
"All right," Sirius says. "But now you know how much we care about your well-being in the female department, Moony; otherwise, you'd never see this day happen."
"I know," Remus says. "But it's the only thing I'd really want from you; otherwise, you three are my best friends."
"Aww, come and give me a great big man-hug, you sentimental little fur death trap," James says affectionately, reaching out his arms for his friend. Remus winces slightly at the description, but gives the hug as requested all the same, before sitting down and saying somewhat teasingly, "All right, well, I have that reading to get to then – enjoy your sick fantasies about this game of yours while I'm gone, and I will see you later."
He makes his way over to the stairs leading to the boy's dormitory, and once he's out of sight, Sirius grins rather wickedly. "Shall we plan this out a little further then, my fellow Marauders and future judges?"
"We shall," James says, his grin similarly mischievous. "Let's pick our ten lucky ladies, then."
"I'll go fetch the butterbeer from the kitchens," Peter offers, bouncing out of his seat and sprinting off to the portrait hole in his haste to get the drinks and join in the fun.
"Get at least six bottles for each of us, would you, Wormy?" Sirius calls after him. "It's going to be a very long night."
James chuckles at the sound of this, and Sirius, thrilled and inspired by his approval, puts his feet up on the chair next to him as he rattles off some possible candidates for the competition. James joins in enthusiastically, the first name coming from his lips inevitably Lily Evans's, and the two soon get quite a list growing as they discuss how big of a chance some of the girls they know would have.
The January snow outside of them continues to fall with its gentle grace, the wind also continuing its relentless path to every student who had absolutely no need of it, and the boys continue their work, with even more gusto once the third member arrives back with welcoming butterbeer in his arms. Life goes on outside of them, serene and peaceful as it frequently is, completely unaware of the boyish chaos brewing within one of the tallest towers of Hogwarts castle.
Nobody knows it just yet, but some definite trouble is beginning to take tangible form upon a single sheet of parchment inside; and when that trouble hits in its due course in the very near future, there will be no doubt in anybody's mind that it's going to be one hell of a ride.