|Pokémists: Pocket Alchemists
Author: Zilo Sugarpill PM
It’s back! What if FMA was re-made for Pokémon’s audience? Worse still, what if FMA's original plot was scrapped for Pokémon's? Will Ed and his Pokémist Al thwart Team Homo's evil plans? Will Winry get a new bike? Will Ed ever be able to swear again?Rated: Fiction K - English - Parody/Humor - Edward E. & Alphonse E. - Chapters: 4 - Words: 8,888 - Reviews: 103 - Favs: 95 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 03-15-10 - Published: 02-05-08 - id: 4055090
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Narrator: As our heroes continue on their journey to acquire the elusive Philosopher's Stone, they come across a small town in need of--
"Wait a second. What the H(EEP!)!!" Ed yelled.
Narrator: Ah, ah, ah, hero! No naughty language, okay?
Ed stared into the sky with a "WTF?" expression. "Who the h(EEP!) are you?" he demanded.
Narrator: The Narrator, of course! Who else would I be?
Ed and Al sweatdropped. "Since when did we have a Narrator?" Al asked his brother.
Narrator: Since Full Metal Alchemist became airy-fairy and kid-safe!
"Since it became what?" Ed said, slack-jawed in confusion.
Narrator: Quit talking to me and start adventuring, heroes!
Ed and Al exchanged glances. But they had no choice, so they kept walking down the road. They kept their guard up, in case that freakazoid Narrator popped up again, but fortunately, he didn't. Eventually they came across the small town in need of whatever it was the Narrator had been about to say.
"Welcome to Abaros!" a man randomly standing near the entrance of the town said.
"Uh...yeah, whatever," Ed said.
Al suddenly tripped over a rock and fell. His helmet fell off and rolled away. Ed went to get it and returned to Al's side, and his eyes bugged out when he saw Al's head poking up out of the armor. "AL?!" he bellowed in shock.
"What?" Al asked. He then felt the cool breeze on his skin, smelled the tastiness of a hot dog stand nearby, felt sweat drip into his eyes, clearly heard children laughing and playing--
"OHMYGOD!" Al screamed. "I'M HUMAN!"
Narrator: Well of course! A soul bound in a suit of armor is not kid-friendly, you know!
"WILL YOU GO THE F(EEP!) AWAY!" Ed roared, shaking a fist at the sky.
Narrator: Tsk, tsk. We've got to do something about that potty mouth.
Al had huge tears in his eyes as he wriggled out of his armor and stood, fully clothed. "Brother, I'm-I'm human," he said tremblingly.
Ed hugged him. "That's great, Al! Now we can just go home, right?"
He suddenly tripped over a little girl, even though he hadn't been moving.
"Ow," the little girl said, standing up. Then, remembering something, she threw herself back on the ground and grabbed her foot. "OWW! AGH! MY FOOT! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN PARTICIPATE IN THE COMPETITION!"
"Welp, you better replace her," a bystander said to Ed.
Ed raised a brow. "Why?"
"That's how it goes."
"H(EEP!) no," Ed said, grabbing Al by the arm and starting to walk away.
The bystander grabbed them both and booted them into the sky. They soared several miles and landed smack dab in the middle of a huge Greek-style stadium.
"Oh, you two must be the replacements for that girl you tripped over!" some random woman wearing seven ponytails said. "Tin Man and Short Stuff, right?"
"WHOTHEH(EEP!)AREYOUCALLINGATINYBEANWHOCANRESTINTHESHADEOFABLADEOFGRASS?!" Ed bellowed.
"I'MNOTATINMANANYMORE!" Al cried.
The woman shrugged and wrote "Short Stuff and his Pokémist, Tin Man" down on her clipboard anyway. "You two are second. Hope you're ready!"
"We're leaving!" Ed said, grabbing Al by the arm and starting for the exit.
They smacked into the fourth wall.
"Leave, and the chapter will automatically end!" the woman said. "We can't have that!"
"D(EEP!) it!" Ed yelled.
So, being forced to by the laws of fanfics, they trudged to the giant waiting room place where people were, well, waiting.
"Hi!" said an overly friendly girl whose hair was shaped like a Christmas tree.
"Go away," Ed grumbled.
The girl left, her friendly spirits crushed. Ed sighed and sat down on a bench. Al sat next to him. "Brother, what do we do? The people in this fic are...scaring me."
"We'll find a way," Ed said, patting his brother's shoulder. "Don't worry." He glared at the huge TV where people who weren't performing could watch other contestants. That woman who had signed them up was hyping the competition to the audience. "Even if it means...ugh, playing their game."
"You're gonna lose, Eddie Boy. Heh heh...man, this sounds stupid."
Ed and Al looked up to see Roy and Riza. "Colonel Mustang!" Al exclaimed.
"What're you doing here?" Ed demanded.
"Filling the obligatory role of your rival," Roy said, waving his script around. "I have to say some stupid, cheesy lines to you, act like a cocky jerk, and then get my butt thrashed by you in the second round."
"Or?" Ed asked.
"Or they take away my gloves and burn them."
There was a moment's silence as they pondered the irony of that statement.
"Oh, yeah," Roy said, lifting his script again. "I'm gonna send you crying home to Mommy, hahaha."
Ed crossed his arms and snorted. "Whatever."
"AND NOW," the announcer woman boomed over the intercom, causing everyone to cover their ears, "WILL ROY MUSTANG AND EDWARD ELRIC MEET ME IN THE STADIUM!"
A trap door opened under them and dropped them into the stadium, to avoid unnecessary legwork and eliminating all possibility of escape. Grudgingly, Ed, Al, Roy, and Riza went to their places.
"IN THE BLUE CORNER," the announcer announced, "EDWARD ELRIC, HAILING FROM RISEMBOOL!"
The crowd cheered, and Ed gave a half-hearted wave.
"AND HIS POKéMIST, TIN MAN!"
"I'M NOT A TIN MAN!" Al cried angstily over the cheers of the crowd.
"AND IN THE OTHER BLUE CORNER," the announcer yelled, "HAILING FROM CENTRAL, ROY MUSTANG!" Roy waved to the screaming fangirls. "AND HIS POKéMIST, GUN-WOMAN!"
Riza stood stoically as ever, an anger mark the only sign she was pissed.
"THE TRAINERS WILL DUKE IT OUT IN A ONE-ON-ONE POKéMIST BATTLE!" the announcer yelled, like her megaphone in front of a microphone wasn't enough amplification. "NO TIME LIMIT! LAST ONE STANDING WINS!"
Risty May, decked out in a referee outfit, raised two blue flags. "Begin!" she cheered.
"GO, GUN-WOMAN!" Roy commanded, pointing into the field.
Riza shot him. However, since it was a kid-friendly show, her regular gun was exchanged for a paintball gun. Roy doubled over in pain anyhow.
"Let's get this over with, okay, Al?" Ed said.
Al nodded. "I'll do my best!" He strode out into the field.
"It's nothing personal, Alphonse," Riza said, cocking her flower-print paintball gun, "but I just want to get out of here."
"AL! HEADBUTT!" Ed yelled, getting way too into the spirit of things.
Al looked at his brother like "WTF?"
"Um...how about Charm then?"
"Okay!" Al turned around, sprinted to Riza, and gave her a big hug. All the girls in the audience went "Awww!" and some twisted psycho authoress started penning an AlxRiza story.
"I give up," Riza said, seeing an easy way out.
Risty May lowered the flag pointing at Roy. "It's over! EDWARD ELRIC WINS THE MATCH!" she announced.
"WOW! EDWARD ELRIC WINS THE MATCH!" the announcer yelled.
"I just said that!" Risty May pointed out.
Suddenly, a net dropped out of the sky and fell on Al and Riza. "MY POKéM--I mean, MY SUBORDINATE!" Roy exclaimed.
"WHAT THE H(EEP!)" Ed raged.
"Mwahahahaha!" someone cackled from up above. The aghast audience and some other people turned their attention to the sky, where three sinister figures were in a hot air balloon shaped like the Ouroborus.
"Prepare for trouble!" said one.
"Make it double!" said the other.
"To protect the world from high-cut shirts!"
"To hit the shrimp where it hurts!"
"To denounce the evil of bright colors!"
"To make optimistic views a little duller!"
"Team Homo, blast off before you know it!"
"I have a sexy torso, and I gotta show it!"
Gluttony concluded the motto by taking a bite out of the hot-air balloon's basket.
"'Team Homo'?" Roy repeated, obviously trying not to crack up laughing.
"You guys are waaay too into this," Ed stated.
Lust held out a finger. "Don't hate. We get a pay raise if we're convincing."
"Brother, help!" Al cried as he and Riza were trapped inside the net and lifted into the air.
"I got this," Ed said, starting a fire and making smoke signals.
Lust and Envy laughed evilly as they rose higher and higher, the aghast, and partially snickering, crowd watching them. Roy started jumping from foot to foot, as if his feet were on fire. "Aiya, what do I do," he deadpanned, reading from the script. "Team Homo--snicker, snicker, snicker--is getting away."
A bright-colored blur suddenly whizzed through the sky and right through the Ouroborus balloon, popping it. The whole thing fell to the ground, and Al and Riza wriggled out of the net.
"What the h(EEP!) happened?" Envy exclaimed.
More bright colored blurs appeared and started to beat the snot out of the Homunculi trio. Ed watched for a few minutes, then blew a whistle. Several girls of all different shapes, sizes, and colors, all wearing pink shirts with a picture of Ed's face inside a heart on them, stopped what they were doing and quickly lined up, saluting Ed.
"Who are they?" Roy asked.
"My Pokéfaniac army," Ed replied.
Narrator: Pokéfaniac: Pocket fangirl maniacs.
"You've got one of those?" Roy said.
"WE LOVE YOU, ED!" the girls yelled in unison.
"Yeah, yeah. You've served your purpose; go back to your pathetic lives," Ed said.
"ED YES ED!" The girls trooped away.
"Big mistake, pipsqueak," said Envy as the Homunculi started to regenerate. "Forget our powers?"
Ed considered, then turned to his brother. "Al! Quick! Use Ultra-Super-Awesome-Teacher-Move-Of-Awesome-Doomy-Doom-Number-665!"
Everyone gasped. What kind of breathtaking move could this be?
Al nodded, and got into a frightening stance. He glowered at Team Homo--snicker, snicker, snicker--and then started a fire and made smoke signals. Moments later, Sig popped out of nowhere and booted the Homunculi and their balloon into the sky.
"TEAM HOMO'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!" they cried. They disappeared with a twinkle.
"I've learned a really important moral lesson," Ed said.
"Really? What's that?" Al asked as he, Roy and Riza walked over.
"Stealing is wrong."
Then the announcer woman tripped over a bug, and they all laughed heartily and started walking into the sunset.
Narrator: And so, our heroes leave the competition, not only with experience, but with a lesson well learned. Maybe something good came out of this after--hey! Wait! No one stole anything!
"You stole my dignity," Ed said.
Narrator: Well, I'm sorry, but we can't end this until some sort of moral lesson is learned.
Ed, Roy, Riza, and Al glared. Then a wicked smile spread across Roy's face. "Hey Ed," he said, "why don't I go into a lengthy and very graphic story about how babies are born?"
Narrator: (panic) A-All right! We can end it! Sheesh!