30-Death

"Sideswipe,"

His voice was anxious and unsure. He breathed shakily through his com demanding my attention. One word was all it took for me to know he was in trouble.

"Sides," he whimpered.

"I'll be right there Raji," I reply. His voice is so fearful it's terrifying. I cut away from my conversation with Jazz, Ratchet, and Blaster.

A wave of guilt, shame, disgust, and fear washes over me, and I know these feelings are Mirage's. We usually know what the other is feeling through our bond, but he was blocking me out keeping me from something.

"I...I've done something..."

I find him at the far end of the base in the control room. The whole room is dark except for the dim glow of monitors and screens. There is just enough light that I can see the silhouette of my bond mate.

His whole frame trembles. His hands are at his sides, fingers twitching. His gaze strong gaze is fixed on some dull shape in the distance.

I touch my fingers to the back of his palm. His fingers don't move to curl around mine or pull away. He doesn't react at all. His palm is covered in something slick and wet. He speaks in a hollow voice that I can hardly recognize as his own.

"I killed him Sideswipe."

"What?"

I follow his gaze to a spot on the floor. It takes me less than a klik to activate my night vision, and in that klik I see what Mirage has been staring at. There's a mech lying on the floor in a pool of his own energon. His optics are dull and lifeless. There isn't a scratch on his frame, but his head is twisted at an odd angle.

"I killed him," he explains again. He clenches his fist and murmurs, "With my bare hands, Sideswipe. I took his spark. I-" his vocalizer falters

I notice the dead mech's Autobot symbol. The symbol's empty eyes stare at me, peer into my spark.

"He was a spy. You had no choice." I explain for what must be the thousandth time.

"But he..." He tries to cradle his helm with his energon stained hand. I snatch his hand and wipe the dead mech's fluids off of his digits.

"You're in special ops Mirage," I hardly ever call him by his real name. It's always, "Raji," or "Raj." The name seems foreign and out of place coming from my vocalizer. It reaffirms the severity of the situation.

The cloth in my hand is soaked in energon, but I continue to scrub Mirage's stained chassis. I want to pull him close and tell him everything will be okay, but he refuses to let me get close. "What did you expect?"

"You don't understand!" He's immediately pulled out of his trancelike state. He jerks away from me, and looks at me like I'm the most repulsive piece of scrap in the galaxy. "Your enemies don't hide behind the same symbol you wear. You don't talk to them; you don't even know their names." His vocalizer hitches, and sputters in static filled gasps. He looks up at me meekly. His face full of guilt, like he already knows what he's going to say is going to hurt me. "I wasn't reprogrammed for that like you were."

Not once in all the vorn we've been together have I intentionally hurt him. That murderous sadistic side of me is brought to life. I want to deny it exists so badly, but it emerges and won't go away. I push him harshly against the washrack wall.

He doesn't move to push me away or ask what's gotten into me. He doesn't even raise his gaze to meet mine. The vulnerable expression on his face, the empty look in his optics, and the energon smeared all over his chassis, he looks strangely beautiful, but I never want to see him like this again.

Slowly I uncurl my fingers from his shoulders, and try to quell the monster inside of me. Ugly dents are left in their wake. I have no right to contribute to his pain. This isn't my pride or the dead spy in the control room. It's about keeping Mirage whole.

Preserving his deep ringing laugh, his smile, making sure the part of him I love most isn't taken by this war, that is my main priority.

I pull him into a rough embrace and hold him tight. "Mirage, you have to understand. When it comes down to it it's either you or them." My lips brush his helm for a moment. "You can't let this war consume your spark...I won't let it."