Unrequited Wrong

Chapter 31: Unexpected Setbacks

Louis and I sat on a bed together, each of us staring down at our hands as we waited for the Healer to arrive to discharge us the following morning after having spent an entire night talking about me and Severus. I kept no secrets from Louis, told him everything that I could recall of our relationship, because it was nice to talk to someone about it. "Delilah, why are you going back to him?" Louis asked as he stared at me. I looked over at him and stared at him blankly, wondering how he could ask after what I said last night about going to Hogwarts giving purpose to my life. "I understand that its important to you, but as I see it you have served others long enough. When are you going to put yourself first?"

I smiled sadly as I looked away. "I'm never going to put myself before anyone else, Louis. I can't live just for myself," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. "That's the life we led in the Orphanage, that's not the way that I want to live. I want there to be some other purpose, not just trying to make it from one day to the next," I said as I looked up at him. Louis grimaced as he turned away.

"That's a grim outlook on life, that its only living when in the service of others. What about your own happiness?" he asked as he leaned back and rested on the pillows. I didn't say anything in response for the moment. I couldn't see life any other way. There were those who were born to be selfish, there were others that were born to be selfless. I couldn't imagine being selfish... especially not after losing Monica because for once in my life I was living for only me. I didn't want to return to that, I didn't want to be that monster.

"I don't think I've ever known great happiness, at least not any that is not clouded with pain," I responded with wry smile as I looked at him. He didn't say anything as he sat up. For the moment our conversation was at an end as a Healer walked into the room, carrying with her two charts and looking over them. I found that I wasn't paying too much attention as she told us that we were fine and ready to be discharged. We already knew that. However, I found myself snapping to attention when her tone became a bit more stern.

"You shouldn't be apparating anymore if you are going to be splinching. Its very dangerous for the baby. We could put you back together but a child that isn't complete is nearly impossible to save," she said as she pointed at me with her pen. I stared at her with a furrowed brow as my mind reeled. I could immediately feel Louis turn to look at me and I stared up at the woman.

"Excuse me? Did you say baby? What baby?" I asked as I stared at her. She frowned and rechecked the chart.

"Your baby. The chart says that you are three weeks pregnant. You didn't know?" she asked as she stared at me. I gasped as suddenly I felt very light-headed and almost swooned. It was a good thing that I was sitting on the bed and that Louis was sitting next to me as I merely ended up leaning on him as I grabbed my head. Baby? Was I hearing correctly? How could I be pregnant? My period was supposed to come in a week and Severus always cast a charm to keep this from happening.

"I can't be pregnant. My husband always casts a charm, it isn't possible," I said as I stared at her.

"Well the chart isn't lying. You're pregnant. And you know, charms aren't always very reliable, especially when done in a hurry," she said in a snippy tone before handing me some pieces of paper. "Get to the nearest apothecary, you will need these for your morning sickness and prenatal vitamins...and you'll have to see a midwife about once a month to make sure that the child is fine and to discuss a birth plan," she said before walking out of the room and telling us that we could go.

I couldn't move though. I simply sat there, staring at the papers in my hands and feeling like I was just hit by a truck wondering how this had happened to me. The exact day of conception was a little blurry to me. It had to have been in the first week of December, but that could have been any time. Severus and I had been having sex a lot recently, especially as it relaxed my muscles after an especially long day of being tortured. "Delilah... are you all right?" Louis asked as he stared at me. I merely shook my head in response as I ran my fingers through my hair, wondering what I was supposed to do now. I'd never ever even thought of having kids, I didn't know how I felt about them, but I knew that this was not the time to be raising a kid. Besides, I didn't even know how to raise kids!

And what was I going to tell Severus? Feeling fat, juicy tears rolling down my cheeks, I furrowed my brows. What was I going to do? "Louis... what am I supposed to do?" I asked as I turned to him and wrapped my arms around his thin neck. He didn't say anything in response as he wrapped his arms around me and let me simply cry it out.

"You've never thought about having a baby?" he asked after a long while, when my tear ducts could no longer produce tears. But I was no less sure what I was supposed to do. A great part of me was convinced that the best thing that I could do was to get rid of it. I didn't want to bring a child into this world to suffer. From what I had seen of life, it was all suffering. I didn't have parents, Louis ran away from his and Severus hated his. What was I supposed to think about them? Why would I bring a child into this world to suffer what I went through, all those injustices because that was just the way that life was?

"No! Louis look at us? After everything you've been through and then living in the orphanage, could you ever think of bringing a child into this world?" I asked as I pulled away from him and looked up into his eyes.

"Yes," he replied with a smile, causing me to reel back. He'd thought of having children? That was something desirable to him? How could that be? "When they brought you in, you were a newborn and I was fascinated by you. You were so tiny and beautiful. You were the smallest person I'd ever seen and you were just a little wonder," he replied as he stared at me, causing me to blush. It was odd to think of Louis as the boy who had taken care of me since I was a baby and as the same man who had confessed to loving me. "You made me happy when you were small, a kind of happiness I knew would only be replaced when I had my own kids. It's the only pure joy in this world."

I turned away from him and thought about my father, wondering if he'd ever gotten the chance to see me when I was that tiny and wondering how Louis could understand my father's joy better than I could. I couldn't even imagine it, much less comprehend it. Was there something wrong with me? Was I a terrible woman for not feeling anything but terror at the thought of bringing a child into the world? Was I missing something? "Louis... I can't bring this child into a world were you-know-who is in power," I said as I felt tears in my eyes.

"But you have faith that he will fall," he pointed out. I turned away from him and wiped off my face thinking about how fat and odious I would become if I had the kid, I mean I'm a bitch as it is, imagine me with fucking raging hormones! OH GOD and the pushing of the thing out of my body! I shivered at the mental image. I was used to pain but that was supposed to be the greatest pain in the world.

"I can't ... I can't have it. I ... I can't be someone's mother! What if I'm-" I stopped in my tracks as I thought of the woman that I'd never met. She was terrible and all she wanted to do was get rid of me... could I do the same thing that she wanted? My insides churned in disgust at the thought that anything about me could be like her. I wasn't like her! I wasn't some self-serving bitch! Staring down at my stomach, not being able to conceive the fact that there was a little someone growing inside me, I wondered if I had the balls to take away its chance at living. Could I kill something that was literally a part of me? I probably could. Maybe the better question was if I could kill a human being that had never done any harm to anyone, someone purely innocent.

"Delilah, you're not like your mother," Louis said as he wrapped an arm around me, trying to be reassuring. I merely nodded in response... I couldn't be like her, I couldn't believe that there was anything in me that was like her. "You have plenty of time to decide what you are going to do, Delilah. If you don't want it you can just abort it. If you think you don't have the heart to abort it, you can put it up for adoption if you feel that you can't be a mother. Just take your time Delilah, listen to your heart because its something you're going to have to live with."

I merely nodded in response as I stared at Louis. "Thank you," I said as I wrapped my arms around him once more.

"I didn't do anything," he said with a smile as I pulled away.

"You listened to me," I said as I looked up into his eyes and felt my heart pang to see the sadness in his as he nodded. Looking away, I wondered why love was never fair. When was it ever going to be something that both people felt for each other? It had to be rare... to find someone to love, that also loved you in return.

XX

The days leading up to New Years were a bit depressing. I couldn't seem to make up my mind. Well... I'd made up my mind that I couldn't abort it. However, I was no closer deciding if I should keep it or not. I had the presence of mind to know that I couldn't possibly be a good mother. I mean... I'm twenty, and do jobs like bar tending for Ravenclaws sake! How would I support it even if Severus were with me and even if he wanted it? I mean I'm not the greatest person, I'm aware of my many flaws. Besides... did I want to bring up a child in a family where Severus was the father and I was the mother? How dysfunctional would we be and how fucked up would the kid be?

However, the alternative was to pick out a family for my kid, or put it in an orphanage. Having personal experience in the latter, I didn't want that for someone that I was technically responsible for. So what was left was to pick a family for it and somehow I didn't think that would be easy. How do you pick a family for your kid? They would have to be magical, after all muggles would become confused with her at a certain point. But how many wizarding couples were willing to adopt? And what were the chances that I would come across one that was perfect?

Sighing as I turned onto my back, I stared up at the ceiling. "Quite the knot you got us in kid," I said as I placed my hand over my stomach. I sighed as I felt silly for talking to my stomach which was as flat as ever, no evidence that there was anything growing there, but I needed someone to talk to. A part of me had hoped that the Healer was wrong, but as I hadn't gotten my period yet, that hope died. I was always on time, never late not even once. Of course, it was something I was very private about, always had been, especially when I lived with Severus. I don't know why, its not that I am ashamed or embarrassed about having a period... but why should I let on when I'm on it? To be told that I am PMSing or that I'm being a bitch 'cause I'm on my period. No thanks.

"Well I don't have the heart to deny you life, even if I think that its a pretty shitty world you're coming into. However, I guess if I'm going to keep you or give you away, I have to keep you safe while you're in there," I said as I rubbed my stomach. "I can't go back to Hogwarts. Thanks for taking away my purpose kid," I said a bit bitterly as I wiped the tears that were coming into my eyes as I sat up, partially angry because it also meant that whatever time I could have with Severus was being snatched away from me. "Happy New Years to us eh?"

Standing up, I threw on some black robes and picked up my wand before apparating to Tonks and Remus' place. Remus said he was going to go visit me in the Hospital Wing while I was still there, but I'm guessing that something came up and he couldn't. But... I knew were they lived. Tonks had once given me her address, she said it was so that I could come by and visit Cerberus whenever I wanted. I really didn't get Tonks... I mean you would think after me punching her in the face she would be pissed at me instead of jumping through hoops to try and get me to stop being mad at her. I mean, if it were me and someone hit me in the face because I'd kissed their mate or whatever, I would think that we were even.

Disappearing with a pop, I soon found myself standing in a living room that she had described. It wasn't much different then what I had pictured. Same threadbare couch facing a fireplace with an old, mahogany coffee table that was round. However, the lamp on the tables on either side of the couch were something that I hadn't pictured. Neither had I pictured all the framed photographs on the walls. They were a bit sickening in a sentimental, corny kind of way, most of them being of the ever-expanding Tonks and a Remus who worshiped her. What was she like... six or seven months along now? I wasn't really sure.

A barking suddenly called my attention away from the pictures on the wall and I turned to see Cerberus run into the room and up to me. I was rather surprised how big he had gotten and a bit afraid that he didn't remember me. However, he simply bounded up to me and knocked me onto my back, licking my face. "Hey buddy, its nice to see you too," I said as I hugged his neck tightly as I heard footsteps walk into the room. Pushing Cerberus' slim black head a bit, I turned to see Tonks standing in the room. She was pretty big and that the thought that I'd get like that made me feel slightly sick. "Hey Tonks, you look... big. Is Remus here?" I asked as I stood up while Cerberus kept circling around me, his tail wagging wildly and occasionally smacking my legs.

"Hello Delilah, no he's not here at the moment but he left me instructions to give you in case you came by," she said as she walked over and gave me a hug. I frowned as her big belly came between us and uncomfortable with the fact that she was touching me. What was wrong with her? I don't think that even I was that peppy when I was on uppers. "Now if only I could find it," she said as she walked away and started to look around her, all the while stroking her big belly.

"Umm... so do you know what its going to be?" I asked as I sat down on the couch and stroked Cerberus while watching her walk around. Today her hair was pastel yellow and reached her shoulders and she was wearing a lose set of white robes that came down to only her knees and was tied with a yellow string just beneath her boobs, which had gotten HUGE. Merlin... I am going to look completely ridiculous.

"No, we want it to be a surprise!" she said excitedly as she stooped on a shelf to pick up a paper before discarding it. It was then that my brain snapped into attention and realized that she was probably looking around for instructions on how I can make it back to Hogwarts safely. Realizing that I was making a very pregnant woman walk around in vain, I immediately stood up and walked over to her, grabbing her by the arms, afraid that she wasn't going to stop otherwise. It was like she had her head in the clouds or something.

"Tonks, stop! I need you to give Remus a message next time you see him that he has to pass on to McGonagall. I need you to tell him that something important has come up and that I can't go back to Hogwarts because of my health," I said as I stared at her, causing her to stop and frown as she looked at me. Suddenly it hit me that she had to be aware of what I was going through at Hogwarts. How many people knew? Remus surely must have told her but still, did McGonagall have to tell him about it? Geeze, what if this was the reason that Voldemort wanted me?

"What's wrong," she asked with concern in her voice as she stared at me. I grimaced at this, I didn't want her to be concerned with me. However, as I stared down at her big belly and looked to my flat one, I realized that even though her situation was different from mine, she would somehow get me. Turning away, I walked over to the couch and motioned for her to follow me. I realized that it was a bit rude to just pop over unannounced and then just act like it was my home but give me a break, I couldn't think straight anymore.

"You have to promise that you won't tell anyone, not even Remus," I said as I turned to look at her as we both sat on the couch. She grimaced slightly at this, probably didn't want to keep a secret from her hubby, but she merely nodded at me, her eyes, which were sparkly blue today, staring at me with all the sincerity in the world. I sighed as I turned away as Cerberus put his head in my lap as he lay on the couch next to me. "I'm kind of... like a month pregnant and I just found out last week," I said, the words coming out in a bit of a rush as I stroked Cerberus behind his ears.

"Oh Delilah, thats wonderful, aren't you excited?" she asked as she threw her arms around me. I grimaced at this as I pried her off me. She really needed to stop doing that. I didn't hate her anymore, but I didn't want her hugging me. I didn't care if it was bitchy of me... I just didn't really want people touching me these days.

"Not really," I replied as I leaned back and sighed. "I mean were you when you first found out? I mean, what with the war going so terribly, and didn't you ever feel that you would be a terrible mother or felt scared that you would fuck up your kid?" I asked as I stared down at Cerberus with confusion.

"Well at first yes, and I was scared to tell Remus. I thought that he would think that it was terrible and irresponsible of me because of the times. And... I can barely take care of myself, I was scared of taking care of someone else," she said, causing me to turn to look at her. I can hear it in her voice, that she was still scared of all of those things. But suddenly, she smiled and I found myself confused all over again. And here I thought I was starting to get her. "But then... I thought about how wonderful babies are... and how this one is going to be a little part of me and a little part of Remus. How can I not love a part of Remus, that is completely mine?" she asked as she turned to look at me with her bright eyes.

I nodded as I turned and placed a hand over my stomach. My heart beat accelerated as I stared down at my palm. I'd completely forgotten that the baby was a part of Severus almost as much as it was part of me. I smiled, this was the only part of Severus that was completely mine, something Lily never had and never would have. It was a piece of Severus that was meant for me and suddenly I couldn't contain the overwhelming sense of love that I felt for it. Turning away so that Tonks wouldn't see the tears in my eyes, I smiled.

I waited for the moment when my eyes felt dry before turning around, I threw my arms around Tonks. "Thank you," I said, before pulling away from her quickly and blushing. Stupid hormones making me all emotional! Wasn't I just mentally reprimanding Tonks for doing the same thing?

"I'm guessing its Snape's," she said a little coldly. I understood, no one really liked Snape because of what they thought he did. Well I mean he did it... but they didn't know the full truth and I couldn't blame her for her tone when she referred to him. Though I think Tonks was far more understanding about it. "Have you told him?" she suddenly asked, bringing me back down to earth. I merely shook my head in response. That was another problem. What was I going to say to him? Should I even say anything? It seemed better to not say anything, but then even my mother had the decency enough to tell my father that I came into existence. However, look what happened to her. He went against her wishes, not that I blame him. But what if Severus doesn't want the baby, could he do something like that and force me to get rid of it?

"I don't know if I should tell him. I realize that he deserves to know, but it's Severus. I mean its not hard to tell that he doesn't like kids," I said as I continued to pet Cerberus while Tonks nodded sympathetically. "Besides who knows what will happen when this war is over," I said with a shrug as a cold chill swept up my spine. I couldn't forget my dream and even though dreams didn't mean anything... I couldn't let go of that terror. Especially since I had a feeling that Severus didn't expect and probably didn't want to make it out of this war alive. Not that he'd ever said anything to make me feel that way, but it seemed pretty obvious to me.

"Well Delilah, it can't hurt to try. You'll always have your baby to live for," Tonks said. I glanced over at her and merely nodded in response, though I wasn't sure. Somehow, I didn't think that Tonks would be quite so optimistic about having a child if Remus were gone. Somehow Tonks didn't seem like the type of person that could raise a kid on her own. She didn't seem to quite have that drive in her.

"I should get going," I said as I gently removed Cerberus' head from my lap and stood up. "Thanks for everything Tonks and don't forget to tell Remus that I can't make it, but don't mention that I'm pregnant," I said as I stood up.

"I'll ask Remus to send you a message when the baby is born. So expect it sometime around April," Tonks beamed as she stood up with a little difficult and gave me a last hug before I disapperated. I supposed that meant she was about six months preggers, but I pushed this thought away as I stood back in the flat and turned to my own stomach. "Well kiddo, at least I know I want you now, if nothing else," I said as I ran my fingers over my stomach as I stood in Louis bedroom, were he was letting me sleep for the past week. "I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise."

TBC...

A/n: Please excuse the terribly long wait for this chapter, but I kept forgetting to post. Not to mention that its a bit of a pain to post considering my wireless drive is a piece of crap. I will get around to having it fixed though. Hopefully. Anyway hope that you enjoyed the chapter. Also please excuse any mistakes, I edited several times but something always manages to escape my notice. As always, please review and tell me what you think.