Author’s Note: I know, I’m late. Also means this is rough and un-betaed. Hope you all enjoy it anyway. Gods know my muse is about dead.

Disclaimer: Characters from Naruto are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, and I make no profit from the writing of this fanfiction.

“Mistranslated”

Naruto drug himself home after a day of incessant training, his clothes covered with dirt and sealed to his skin with sweat. He ran a hand across his forehead and grimaced at the smell emanating from his armpit. His stomach made a sound like an angry weasel and he patted it weakly.

“Hang in there, buddy. Almost home. You’ll have instant ramen in you in no time!”

A barely stifled cough sounded behind him.

“Hinata!” he shouted enthusiastically as he turned around, even though she was only a meter away. “How are you?”

Her face went beet red, hanging her head so that her bangs covered her eyes. Both arms were crossed in front of her chest and something bright red peaked through.

"Eh? You okay, Hinata?"

"I--I--it's..." she stuttered.

"Er..." Naruto shifted closer. "What is it?"

Hinata swallowed laboriously and lifted her head, her lips pressed together in a firm line. She thrust her hands out as if she was attacking him, and he jumped back on instinct.

"Ack!"

She proffering a red, heart-shaped box with a pink ribbon. "For--for you, Na-naruto."

“Um, for me?” he asked hesitantly, pointing to his chest. What a weird gift? What am I supposed to do with that?

“Yes!” she squeaked, remaining completely immobile and not meeting his eyes.

“Gee, er, thanks, I guess.” He pried the box from her white-knuckled grasp. “Um…” He turned the box over in his hands. “What is it?”

Hinata looked up, but then quickly turned away, pressing her fingers together as she mumbled, “Ch-chocolate."

“Oh, thanks!” Naruto said with a sheepish grin, before scratching his head. “But, uh, why are you giving it to me?”

“You--you don’t know?” she asked, meeting his eyes for a moment, forgetting her shyness in her genuine surprise. “I m-mean," Hinata jerked her gaze back to her fingers, squishing them together. "Well, it's V--v--va..."

Naruto shifted uncomfortably.

"V--v--v..."

He winced, opening his mouth to put her out of her misery and tell him not to worry about it, but she cut him off.

"Valentine’s Day!” she said shrilly, the words bursting out of her like the cork of a shaken champagne bottle.

Naruto jumped back and laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “Never heard of it.”

Hinata's eyes were round as twin full moons, staring at her feet. “It’s a day to ex-express your lo...” she swallowed and squeezed her eyes shut, seeming to fight with an overpowering urge, before sighing and continuing softly, “...to tell your friends how much you care about them.”

“Oh, well, that’s really nice of you,” Naruto offered, scratching his head. “Sorry I didn’t get you anything. I didn’t know.”

“It’s..." she sighed out, her smile soft and resigned. "It's o-okay, Naruto.”

They parted ways, and Naruto examined the odd shaped box from all angles, trying to find the opening. He pulled the bow and realized that the whole top came off, just like the lid to the jewelry box in Sakura’s bedroom that she yelled at him for touching that one time he came over for dinner.

He was starving, so he stuffed a handful of chocolate in his mouth and started chewing. The task proved more arduous than he’d originally anticipated. They were filled with something gooey and chewy and it took all the muscles in his jaw to work the ball of sugar around his mouth. When he finally swallowed, his face actually ached. He scrutinized the seemingly innocent sweets with misgiving.

Then he grinned.

He knew just the sourpuss to give these to.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Sasuke Uchiha had always been reclusive. Still, there was only one day out of the year that he positively disappeared – Saint Valentine’s Day. On this auspicious occasion, he became scarcer than ramen around Naruto. As it was, he had barricaded himself in his apartment and set enough traps to kill three ANBU squads, or three dozen hormonal teenage girls, whichever came for him first.

When the first tripwire was sprung, he allowed himself a rare smile.

When Naruto tumbled through his third story window, it quickly disappeared.

The clumsy shinobi was charred, covered in black powder and smoking from his near fricassee, courtesy of a well-placed series of explosive tag. Sasuke narrowed his eyes in consternation.

“How the hell did you get in here, dead last?” he growled, kicking him viciously in the side while he was still recovering his breath.

“Me!” Naruto choked out, scrambling out of kicking range. “What the hell is with your yard!? It was like the jounin exam all over again, only worse!”

Sasuke smirked. “It’s a miracle you ever passed,” he snorted. “You can’t detect a trap for shit.”

“Maybe I don’t expect them when I try to visit my best friend!” Naruto screeched, waving his arms wildly and sending up plumes of soot. “You’re a psycho, you know that?”

“Great,” Sasuke growled, striding to the window and looking out at the havoc. “Now I’ll have to reset them…”

“WHY!?”

To keep away the females, he thought ruefully. “Maybe I don’t want visitors,” he grumbled. He pushed past Naruto, who was right in the way of his doorway, and went to his weapons chest, pulling out more explosive tags and tripwire.

He turned around, arms loaded with enough firepower to level the apartment complex. Naruto was staring with his mouth open.

“Look,” Sasuke groused, “unless you’re going to help me set these, which I doubt you could do with any proficiency, could you please take your smelly, dirty ass out of my apartment?”

Naruto’s whole frame shook, his eyes and teeth glowing against his blackened face. “You jerk! I don’t know why I like you!” He threw something, and Sasuke caught it instinctively. “Next time there’s a special occasion, I’ll be sure to NOT remember you!”

Sasuke stared at the crisped, Be-My-Valentine-shaped atrocity as if it was a dead animal. “What the fuck, idiot?”

“SEE!” Naruto screamed in an pitch loud enough to cause internal bleeding. “That’s what I mean! I really hate you sometimes!”

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow, shifting his gaze between his clearly frustrated teammate and the melted confectionary concoction in his hand. “You…” he coughed, swallowed, cleared his throat. “You got me a…Valentine?”

“Duh!” Naruto answered indignantly, crossing his arms across his chest and sticking his bottom lip out in a classic pose of a perturbed two-year-old.

Sasuke’s eyes continued to dart between the two anomalies. He had just opened his mouth for a scathing retort when he realized.

It’s a prank.

Sasuke let a slow smirk creep across his face.

Think you can prank me, dead last? Two can play at that game.

“Thank you, Naruto,” Sasuke offered, letting warmth and just a slight husk color his voice.

Naruto was silent for a whole minute, which Sasuke chalked up as a record, one he should likely mark on his calendar. Naruto recovered quickly, though, grinning wide and lacing his arms behind his head, rocking on the balls of his feet. “You’re welcome!” he replied brightly.

“I’m sorry about the traps,” Sasuke murmured, keeping his voice low. He sidled up to Naruto, who had gone as still as a petrified tree. “Why don’t you use my bathroom to wash up?”

“Um, Sasuke?” Naruto asked tentatively, voice hoarse. “Are you feeling alright?”

Sasuke frowned, before forcing a smirk onto his face. “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s a nice gift.”

“Uh, sure, glad you liked it.” Naruto was slowly edging toward the window, his eyes darting between his seemingly possessed teammate and freedom. “I’ll just be going now…” He turned, only to find his escape route blocked by an explosive tag wielding Uchiha.

“Why don’t you stay for dinner?”

“Are you sure you’re OK?” Naruto said, laughing weakly. “Cause you’re acting a little weird…”

“Stay,” Sasuke growled, losing patience with his seemingly ineffectual seduction skills.

Naruto’s stomach chose that moment to reassert its sad state of emptiness. Tanned hands pressed against his belly. “Ack!” He ducked his head and mumbled, “Well, I guess I am a little hungry.”

“Good,” Sasuke replied with a sneer. “Now, clean up or you won’t be touching anything in my kitchen.”

Naruto moved to do as he was told, hurrying to the adjoining bathroom. If he had turned back to see the demonic expression on his teammate’s face, he would have punched a Rasengan straight through the tiled bathroom walls and never looked back.

Sasuke allowed himself a low chuckle. Yes, two can play that game.

-0-0-0-0-0-

When Naruto emerged from the bathroom, having demolished two bath towels and at least six hand towels removing the grime from his body, the sun had slipped to sunset, painting a watercolor of pinks and purples in the airy bedroom. He wore his undershirt and his pants, rolled up to keep them from smudging against Sasuke’s nice tatami mats. He padded out to the kitchen.

Stopped.

Almost lost his balance.

Stared.

The kitchen table was set like a fancy restaurant, complete with fine ceramic sake cups and black ebony wood rice bowls and chopsticks. The meal was a simple fish and rice dish, but the presentation was stunning. Long, tapered candles flickered at the center of the table, while in the living room their floating counterparts were cradled in fountains, glimmering in the dimming light.

“There you are.”

Naruto squeaked and levitated a foot in the air.

“I was beginning to think you’d gotten lost in the bathtub, moron.”

Sasuke had changed. Naruto did a double take, absorbing the tight black, canvas pants and the high-collared, red shirt that had a zipper. Which was pulled halfway down.

“You…”

“Something wrong?” Sasuke queried, raising an eyebrow in obvious amusement.

“What is that?” He waved his hands expansively to encompass the exquisite table setting. “This looks like…” His eyes almost rolled out of his head.

A date. This looks like a date.

“I just wanted to repay you for the thoughtful gift,” Sasuke answered with a casual shrug. “No trouble.”

“But what are you…?” Naruto jerked his head to Sasuke’s outfit, not wanting to meet his eyes.

“Oh, this?” Sasuke gestured to his clothing as if it was barely worthy of notice. “Just trying out a new style for ANBU. It gives me better range of motion.”

“Right. That makes sense.” Not.

Sasuke stood.

Naruto stared.

Sasuke huffed, gesturing to the table. “Are you going to sit, or just stare at me all night?” The last part was spoken in a deep, throaty tone that stood Naruto’s hairs on end.

Naruto rushed to his chair, jerking it out and sitting down before Sasuke had moved a muscle. “Sit!” he answered, voice about ten octaves too high.

“Good.” Again, the voice that was making Naruto want to scream and run for his life.

He downed a cup of sake, feeling almost sick as it burned all the way to his empty stomach.

And another.

Sasuke snorted, settling himself across the table. “Is that how you appreciate good sake?” He shook his head. “No accounting for taste.”

Naruto glared, downed another. His bottle was almost empty. He grabbed his chopsticks and dove into the fish and rice with gusto.

“Hn, you’re going to choke to death.”

“Amh nhot,” Naruto protested around his mouthful.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, before regarding him askance and tilting his mouth in a sultry smirk. “I would hate to have to perform mouth-to-mouth on you.”

Naruto choked, feeling the rice fly down his windpipe. His eyes bugged out. Sasuke was halfway out of his seat. “I’m fine!” He coughed viciously. “Fine!”

Sasuke sat back down, still watching him cautiously.

Naruto downed another cup of sake, concentrating on finishing his meal so he could leave as soon as possible. The alcohol warmed his center, but it couldn’t sooth his nerves.

Sasuke is not coming on to me.

Sasuke is NOT coming on to me.

Sasuke is—HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

“Naruto,” Sasuke purred, leaning halfway across the table. And had that zipper gotten lower? “You have something on your cheek.”

Naruto froze as a calloused finger brushed against his cheekbone and past his ear, light as a feather.

“There.”

He felt dizzy.

“Naruto,” Sasuke sighed. “Breathe.”

He gulped in a huge lungful of air, and his heart, which had ceased beating momentarily, went into overdrive. He felt his face heating, the blood thumping in his temples.

Sasuke chuckled. Naruto’s mouth fell open. “Dumbass, you almost made yourself pass out.”

“Did not!” he answered forcefully, reaching for his sake bottle only to find that it was empty. “You’re the one being weird,” he grumbled, keeping his eyes trained on his food as he started shoveling it into his mouth again.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. “I’m being weird?”

Naruto looked up, raising his eyebrows.

“You’re the one who jumped through my window with a fucking box of chocolates!” Sasuke snapped vehemently.

“I only went through the window because you turned your front yard into a minefield!” Naruto protested indignantly. “And what’s wrong with chocolate?”

“I hate sweets!” Sasuke snarled, standing up and stalking to other side of the table. “And if you think you can pull a prank like that on me…” He grabbed Naruto’s black undershirt in his fist. “Don’t fuck with me, Uzumaki.”

“What the hell?” Naruto growled, twisting free and knocking his rice bowl to the floor in the process. “It wasn’t a prank!”

Sasuke stilled as if Shikamaru had caught him with his shadow. “Excuse me?”

“It wasn’t,” Naruto insisted, frowning and turning away from Sasuke’s intense gaze. “It was a present.”

“You’re serious?”

“Why would I trick you about that?” Naruto asked softly, not meeting his eyes. “I thought we were friends.”

“You meant it?” Sasuke repeated, his voice a strange monotone.

Naruto grabbed his rice bowl off the floor and settled it back on the table. “Thanks for dinner,” he said dejectedly. “See you at training tomorrow.”

He turned back to the bedroom, scooping up his discarded jacket and sandals and making to leave the way he’d come. Again, his route was blocked.

“What now?” Naruto asked irritably, throwing his arms up. “I’m not apologizing for bringing you a present.”

Sasuke still didn’t reply, his eyes calculating and unblinking. Naruto shivered.

“Seriously, what’s your problem?” Naruto asked, and was met with stonewall. “Just forget I even tried.” He turned away, heading for the front door, thinking he’d rather risk exploding tags than deal with his schizophrenic teammate.

“I’m sorry.”

Naruto stopped with his hand on the door handle. He turned back to stare. Sasuke was looking at the ground, watching his toes with intense concentration.

“I didn’t realize you were being serious.”

“OK, who are you and where is Sasuke?” Naruto joked, smiling. The tension left his shoulders for the first time since their heated encounter.

“Shut up, idiot.”

“Ah, there’s the Sasuke we all know and love!”

Sasuke’s eyes shot up from the floor, catching his gaze and burning into him with a fire Naruto had never witnessed before. He strode forward, and Naruto backpedaled and instinctively brought his fists up to defend himself. “Geez, it was just a joke! Can’t you take a jo—”

Sasuke grabbed his shirt collar.

And kissed him.

Naruto crossed his eyes, trying to look at the face that had only been this close to his on one previous occasion, and that had definitely been an accident. He opened his mouth to try and speak, and a tongue snuck between the space of his lips.

“Mphf!” he protested weakly.

Sasuke pulled back, his eyelids lowered, his lips parted, breath panting wet across Naruto’s nose.

“I—I—I—” Naruto stammered.

“Naruto.”

He gulped.

“Shut up.”

Sasuke descended on him, and this time his teeth nipped at his lips and his tongue used the resulting gasp to sneak inside his mouth again. The rational part of Naruto’s mind, which was usually dormant anyways, was protesting his predicament, but the irrational part was screaming MORE.

Naruto growled and gripped Sasuke’s shoulders, pulling him flush against his body. They stumbled backwards to the wall. His head hit the wood with a thud. He hissed with pain, but dove back into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Sasuke’s neck and back and pressing his mouth hard enough against those perfect teeth to bruise lips.

Sasuke’s hands were on either side of his head, but soon they found their way to his ass, gripping and pressing his lower body close. They let out a mutual groan as their arousals rubbed painfully together. Naruto lifted his right leg and wrapped it around Sasuke’s hips, rolling his pelvis without thinking, seeking relief, breaking the kiss and letting his head loll back against the wall. Sasuke’s teeth found the mound of his Adam’s apple and tortured it viciously.

“Ah, fu-u-uck,” he groaned, his fingers tearing at Sasuke hair in retaliation.

Sasuke snarled in response, his hands slipping under his shirt and shoving it up to expose his chest. His teeth found new entertainment with the brown, flat nipples of his chest, and coaxed them to small peaks.

Not one to be outdone, Naruto ripped the zipper down and spread the cloth away from Sasuke’s pecs, his fingers sliding up and down the pale chest, nails scratching along the valleys and hills of his ribs and across the chiseled muscles of his abdomen. He leaned his head to the side and sunk his teeth into the juncture of Sasuke’s shoulder and neck.

“AH!”

Naruto exploited this new weakness mercilessly, sucking and biting until he tasted blood. Sasuke was writhering against him, their cocks hard and stiff against each other. Naruto moaned into the flesh, pulling back to breathe. He ran his tongue across the strong jut of Sasuke’s chin, memorizing its contour.

He made the mistake of looking in Sasuke’s eyes.

Sasuke never drew back the curtains, always guarded.

Until now.

“Sasuke,” he husked, voice gravelly with need.

“Naruto.”

“Ngh!”

And the moment was over and Sasuke was thrusting hard against him and he could feel the tingle in his calves and the way his lungs ceased working. He pulled Sasuke’s head back with both his hands in his hair, sinking his teeth into the vulnerable, red bite mark once again. He gave a guttural cry, his whole body shaking with release.

“Ahhhhhh…”

And Sasuke’s sustained, fervent moan filled his ears and he felt his balls tighten once more, another orgasm riding on tail end of the first that he thought would kill him. He squeezed his eyes shut and screamed.

Blackness crept at the edge of his vision. He resisted, forcing it away, trying to regulate his breath. He lowered his right leg to take the strain off his left, which had begun shaking uncontrollably. He opened his eyes.

Sasuke still had his head thrown back, his mouth and eyes wide open, upper back arched and abdominals trembling.

Naruto licked his lips.

“Wow.”

Sasuke finally seemed to come to his senses, closing his mouth and taking several deep breaths through his nose. He met Naruto’s eyes, which gleamed with a familiar mischief.

“If I’d known that all it took was chocolate to get you to put out, I would have done this a long time ago.”

Sasuke’s mouth hung slack.

“What will you do for an ice cream sundae?” Naruto waggled his eyebrows and leered. He reached behind his shell-shocked teammate and pinched his ass.

Sasuke went stiff as a plank. Then he relaxed, and that smug, aggravating, haughty expression had never looked so edible. “I’m sure I can think of a thing or two to do with chocolate and bananas.”

Naruto’s mouth dried up like a sand dune.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Two hours later, they’d managed to clean themselves, clean the kitchen table. Get themselves dirty again. Clean themselves. Get the kitchen table dirty again.

Naruto was panting, trying to move his back to a more comfortable position against the hard wooden table. He looked down at his messy hand and stomach and sighed. “I’ve never taken this many showers.”

Sasuke snorted.

“Get off,” Naruto grumbled, rolling Sasuke off him and then sitting up. He stood on wobbly legs and made for the bathroom.

“Honestly, idiot, don’t ever buy me something that corny again.”

“Huh?” he asked, looking briefly over his shoulder before he closed the bathroom door.

“Who asks another guy to be his valentine?” Sasuke said with a roll of his eyes.

“Be my what?” Naruto called from the bathroom.

Sasuke was quiet.

Too quiet.

Naruto finished wiping himself off. He reached for the door, calling, “Hey, Sasuke, what did you mean…”

He was met with the unpleasant sight of the Sharingan.

“Uh…”

“You mean to tell me that you don’t know what Valentine’s Day is?”

“Of course I do!” Naruto replied indignantly. “It’s a day to show your friends how much you care about them.”

The Sharingan wasn’t going away. Naruto plowed on obliviously.

“But I gotta admit,” he offered with a wink. “I didn’t think you cared that much!”

A short while later, Naruto was running for his life, dodging the latent traps of Sasuke elaborate Valentine’s Day Ambush.

It didn’t stop him from buying Sasuke chocolate next weekend.

FIN

Author: FUCKING PLOT BUNNIES!!!!! --shakes indignant fist-- Leave me alone!!!!