A/N: Sorry it's been so long since I've updated, I really don't have a good excuse. (Unless extreme writer's block and being 566 miles away from my computer count.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl. If I did, Sool would be nonexistent and Root would be alive.

Butler nodded and rolled over in his sleeping bag, asleep in seconds...

Nothing happened during the night though. Artemis didn't come to any conclusion about the odd behavior of his parents. There were no startling noises in the middle of the night, either. In fact, it was almost eerily quiet.

During his watch, Artemis opened his laptop and hacked his way into the school's 'secure' area for staff only. There he found his schedule, and something very odd about the students. Every single one of them was weird, but not in the 'every-body's different' kind of way. Dawn Zimmerman was a kleptomaniac, Sara McLoughlan was terrified of palindromes, Kenny Oliver was seven feet tall. . . His parents had sent him to a school for freaks! He narrowed the list of students he was viewing down to tenth graders and scanned the list for any knowledge that could prove useful. Martin Collins had a yellow flag next to his name, and Artemis scrolled down to the bottom, looking for a legend. There wasn't one. When he found his name, there was a yellow flag next to it too, and the word WATCH! Artemis then pulled up another window, and began searching for what the yellow flag might mean. After hunting to no avail, he resumed memorizing the list. Adriane Roberts and Dawn Zimmerman also had yellow flags. This puzzled him until he used the tried and true method of cross-referencing. Dawn and Martin lived close to each other, but he and Adriane were nowhere near the others. In irritation, Artemis turned to a phone book. Jackpot. None of them were listed. They were all new.

Just then Butler woke up, and Artemis displayed to him the school's website. He grunted and sat down at the desk. Artemis laid in his bed.

When Butler woke Artemis, he was surprised to see his charge begin searching feverishly through his dresser drawers. "What are you looking for?" Artemis responded by handing Butler a pair of clear reflective contacts. As for himself, Artemis wore his usual single blue contact, but applied a clear reflective lens to the other eye.

"I'm not sure what we're dealing with, so we'd better be prepared." He admitted. Artemis and Butler dressed in the school's uniform of khaki pants and a sky blue polo with the words 'Jefferson' emblazoned in darker blue on the upper right corner. They stopped at the top of the stairs, and could smell the acrid stench of something burning.

They took the stairs two at a time and rushed into the kitchen to find. . . Mr. Fowl, burning toast.

"Father, why don't you sit down and let Juliet or Mother make breakfast?" Mr. Fowl ignored his son and continued burning an already charred piece of toast. Artemis sighed and began hunting down the cereal boxes, one of the few foods he could make. Just as he located the Lucky Charms, Juliet walked downstairs, followed by a bleary-eyed Beckett. Beckett looked up at Artemis and said, "I want a waffle". Artemis offered him the cereal box. Beckett shook his head. "I don't like leprechaun cereal. Mash-melons are yucky."

"Marshmallows." Juliet corrected gently as she tried to convince Mr. Fowl to turn off the toaster. Giving up, she unplugged it and looked at Artemis as if to say, 'What's with him?'

Artemis raised his eyebrows and said, "Later." Juliet turned and picked up the waffle iron and the Bisquick. After making Beckett his customary waffle, she cooked bacon and poached eggs for everyone else. A few minutes later, Mrs. Fowl and Myles joined them, and all seven sat down to breakfast.

Nobody spoke much during the meal, as the older Fowls were acting oddly and Artemis wasn't social at the best of times.

"Have fun at school!" Juliet called as Butler and Artemis exited through the foyer. Artemis rolled his eyes in response to her optimism.

When Artemis walked up to the front desk at Milan High, it was immediately obvious that Butler had not been expected. After explaining to the elderly secretary exactly who he was and why he needed a bodyguard, the woman took a minute to collect herself, and then gave a forced smile. "I see. We had a student a few years ago that was in a similar situation. I suppose you'll want to sit in on classes, correct?" She directed the last comment at Butler. He nodded curtly. "Yes ma'am." She turned to her computer.

"I can't allow you to do that. We don't let non-relatives to sit in on a student's class." As Artemis and Butler went their separate ways, Artemis got the distinct impression that the secretary, Ms. Donaldson, took it upon herself to maintain order in the school.

Artemis's first class was AP English, with Dr. Malcolm Gillis. Dr. Gillis was a thin, balding man with glasses that made him resemble a fly. Once Artemis was satisfied that Dr. Gillis was not, indeed, carrying a weapon of any kind, he sat down. Artemis chose a desk towards the middle, so that he would have a good view of the front of the classroom, as well as most of his classmates. Student and teacher waited in silence for the rest of the class to walk down the hall and into the classroom. The first to walk through the doorway was a boy with violet hair spiked like a hedgehog. The boy introduced himself as Martin Collins, and despite his odd appearance, seemed like a nice guy. Martin sat on Artemis's right, and the two waited for class to begin.

Just as Martin began a story about the time his little brother crashed a four-wheeler into a knotted oak tree holding a hornet's nest, Dr. Gillis began to call role. He struggled through the list until giving up and calling last names, finishing on Zimmerman, Dawn. Dawn had blond hair and, as Martin called them, 'freakishly large' brown eyes, and was sitting in front of him. Artemis looked to his left, at a girl whose name was Adriane Roberts. The schizophrenic's frizzy brown hair was already falling out of its ponytail.

Adriane glanced over at Artemis, pointed to Dr. Gillis, and then a scrap of paper on her desk. It was a doodle in which a fly with glasses and gray hair was buzzing next to a flyswatter. Martin looked over too, and doubled over in silent laughter. Artemis didn't think the caricature was that funny, and Adriane also raised an eyebrow at the prolonged laughter.

Dr. Gillis asked James Herring to pass out a packet. When he dropped one on Artemis's desk, Dr. Gillis stated, "Read all directions carefully before beginning the test." Artemis scanned the first page, and seeing nothing unusual, began to answer the questions. As he turned to the fifth and final page, bold print caught his eye. It read: DO NOT ANSWER ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, BUT SIT QUIETLY AND WAIT FOR THE TEST TO BE TAKEN UP. He hastily began erasing answers, and then looked around to see what his classmates were doing. Surprisingly, most of them were silently staring at Dr. Gillis's shining bald spot.

Only three others had made the mistake of answering the questions, Dawn, Martin, and Adriane. Artemis knew that this could not have been mere chance. The other students must have known about the test somehow. Adriane and Martin were closest to him, so he began tapping on his own desk to get their attention. Martin looked up first. Artemis pointed to the last page. Martin looked, and his face turned red from embarrassment. He pulled out a large pink eraser. The two boys then tried to get Dawn and Adriane's attention, but to no avail. Finally, Martin reached over and pulled Dawn's hair. She made squeaking noise and turned around. Martin mouthed an apology, and then gestured to the last page. Dawn muttered a grateful thanks and erased answers. Artemis tried the same tactic on Adriane, but all it got him was an elbow in his ribs.

Artemis then began tapping a message out in Morse Code with his pencil, in a vain hope that she would understand it. She didn't get the message, but she looked at him pointedly. Martin used the occasion to show Adriane the last page. Adriane shrugged and shook her pen at him. Apparently, she would fail this test.

When the bell rang, most of the students left their papers on their desks and walked silently to their next classes, leaving behind four bewildered teens.

"What classes do you three have next?" Artemis asked the remaining students. Adriane snorted.

"That's right, Fowl. Pretend as if you didn't notice that we're all different somehow, that we're in a school for psychos, that we stick out because we act normal." She stormed out the door and down the hall, towards the gym.

"I was merely trying to make polite conversation." Artemis said to himself, miffed. Martin caught up to Artemis.

"Tough luck mate," he said. "She's a hottie though." Artemis looked at Martin, clearly scandalized.

"I was speaking to her as a person, not as a hottie."

"So you don't care if I ask her out?"

"Definitely not." Martin grinned, and Artemis's disdain was lost on him. Artemis marveled at the mind of the teenage male.

"So," Martin said uneasily, "why are you here? I mean, if what she said was true," he gestured to the back of Adriane's head, which was weaving through a crowded hallway. "then why are you here? I thought maybe I was here because my parents got good jobs or something, but maybe not. I don't think it was my ADD or anything, 'cause that's pretty common today. Maybe they liked my hair." He ran a hand through his purple spikes.

"I'm sure that was it." Artemis remarked dryly. "Let's just say I'm a very smart person, Martin." Artemis looked around uneasily. Martin's comment about his parents' jobs had him wondering. Perhaps his situation wasn't unique to the Fowls.

Artemis and Martin went their separate ways, as Martin also had gym while Artemis had French II. The class was pointless for Artemis, because he had spoken the language fluently since age 9, but it was better than gym.

Artemis was the only tenth grader in the class, everyone else was in their junior year but a senior, Melinda Brown. Melinda was his partner in that day's exercise, translating a two page essay into French. Artemis suspected he was paired with Melinda because they were the odd ones out. Their teacher, Ms. Wheeda, had given them three days to complete the assignment, but Artemis and Melinda finished in less than half the class period. Ms. Wheeda walked around, looking at various papers, and stopped at Artemis's desk. "Mr. Fowl," she said in a nasally voice, "I'm going to have to ask for proof that you and Ms. Brown didn't cheat. Please walk up to the board and wait for my dictation. Ms. Brown will go first." Artemis looked at Melinda anxiously; he had written the entire paper. She grinned jauntily at him and winked. He raised an eyebrow.

"Alright Ms. Brown, here's your paragraph: On the eve of June 17th, 1793, I was born to an elderly couple. I shan't call them my parents, as they didn't care for me as proper guardians should. Instead, they sent me to an orphanage in Philadelphia. At the orphanage I was treated most cruelly, and as such became ill with yellow fever." Melinda wrote the paragraph in perfect French with her messy scrawl. Ms. Wheeda scowled. "Fowl," she barked, "your turn." Artemis smiled his vampire smile and picked up a dry-erase marker. His paragraph was a continuation of Melissa's, about a pockmarked youth named Eliza Clarey who became a seamstress. Ms. Wheeda scowled again. "You new students have no respect for authority. I'm sending you two to the Principal's office immediately." Melissa rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, whatever."

As soon as they were in the hallway, Artemis asked, "You're new too?" Melissa nodded.

"Yup, I'm here from KEN-tucky." She said, laying on a thick accent. "How about you?" Artemis smiled slightly.

"Ireland." Melissa whistled. "That must've been one long plane trip."

"You have no idea." Melissa chuckled.

"Oh yeah, try riding in a minivan for 16 hours with two older brothers and three younger ones. Not fun." This time Artemis laughed. Melissa was surprisingly easy to get along with, and they talked the whole way to the Principal's office. As Artemis raised a hand to knock on the Principal's door, it opened and a student walked out carrying a twenty pound bag of potatoes. Melissa looked at Artemis. "And now I'm officially disturbed. You?" Artemis nodded, and they entered the Principal's office.

"Any questions? No? Good. Now I expect you two to show more respectful behavior toward your teachers in the future." Artemis and Melissa walked out of the Principal's office in a daze, with Artemis struggling to remember exactly what had happened in there. He remembered opening the door, sitting down in a chair, and then... they discussed the importance of proper behavior. Artemis tried to remember more specific details, but all he could think was that they had discussed the importance of proper behavior. He looked at Melissa, who appeared to be in a trance-like state. "Melissa?" She jerked.

"What?"

"Do you remember what happened in there?" Melissa nodded.

"Sure, we discussed the 'importance of proper behavior'." She made air quotes around the last four words. Artemis looked uneasily behind him, back towards the Principal's door.

"Can you remember anything specific?" Melissa shook her head.

"Nope, when adults start lecturing, I go temporarily deaf." Artemis said nothing. As far as he could tell, this was not unusual adolescent behavior. But for him...

Just then, the hallway filled with students, and he and Melissa went their separate ways. Artemis went to his calculus class, and sat in front of Adriane and Dawn, who were having a heated argument about Shakespeare's misogynistic approach in both Hamlet and Macbeth. Dawn didn't see the problem, but Adriane was passionately insisting that Shakespeare must have just been pissed at women in general because he couldn't get laid. Artemis was tempted to comment. As if on cue, Dawn asked, "What do you think, Artemis?" Artemis turned around in his desk.

"It is my belief that you are judging his works according to today's views and beliefs. In his time, however, Shakespeare was most likely not considered sexist or anti-feminist, because everyone else was too." Dawn looked at him blankly.

"Huh?" Artemis tried again.

"Stereotypes were accurate back then. Therefore, Shakespeare actually empowered his female characters quite a bit more than the average woman of that time frame." Dawn shook her head.

"I'm sure that makes sense to you to, but I need plain English, 'cuz I'm not a super freak." Adriane snorted.

"Right, I'm sure picking pockets is perfectly normal behavior. Nothing weird about that at all, is there, Collins?" She nudged Martin, who was sitting next to Artemis again.

"Well," Martin began evasively, "None of us are really what you'd call normal. I mean, look at Jeffrey." He pointed to a black haired boy speaking in gibberish to nobody in particular. Artemis listened closely, but Jeffrey was not speaking any known language, according to his recently acquired gift of tongues. Dawn shrugged.

"So you all know why I'm here, what about you?" She looked at Artemis, Adriane, and Martin. Martin spoke first.

"I dunno. Maybe it's because of my parents. They're pretty weird." He shrugged and looked at Adriane.

"Not telling." She said. Dawn's eyes glinted, taunting Adriane.

"Chicken! Buk buk buk!"

"For someone trying to embarrass me, you're making yourself look pretty stupid." Dawn stopped buk-ing.

"Excuse me?"

"I didn't stutter." Dawn's fist came up.

"Why you little-"

"Little? I've got five inches on you, Barbie!"

"Well at least I look like a girl. What are you wearing anyway, parachute pants? Because, lemme tell you, they can't come back in style, 'cause they never were in style."

"Just because I don't wear skin-tight slut jeans doesn't mean I'm not a girl." Dawn's face turned a shade of red that would've shamed Julius Root.

"At least I'm not having a gender identity-"

"Ladies, please! My room will not be a battlefield." Dawn and Adriane were immediately silenced. The man standing between their desks was about forty, with curly brown hair that was beginning to thin. He stood at the front of the room. "My name is Mr. Greer, and as you may have guessed, I am indeed Alicia's dad." Alicia's mousy brown bob sank below her desk's top.

"I expect your full attention while I'm talking, blah-dee blah-dee blah. You all know the speech by now, let's just get started on this Calculus." Martin looked thankfully at Mr. Greer, and Artemis pondered the explosive tempers of Dawn and Adriane.