Chapter 8

The afternoon sky looked more like late evening as large thunder clouds rolled in from the east. Far off in the distance the rumble of the storm echoed through the mountain valleys, it wouldn’t be long now until the whole cove would be dripping wet. Any one else would have quickly sought out shelter from the on coming fury, but the young women seated in the mission gazebo were not paying any attention to the sky. They weren’t paying any particular attention to each other either. It was as if the two were strangers who just happen to be sitting on the same wooden bench. This had been a recurring theme between the school teachers for over three weeks. They had both managed to keep up an appearance of normality, but as the November chill began to descend on the school house neither one could ignore the inevitable. Although it was many weeks past, Christy still felt like an intruder who had been caught invading the privacy of the woman sitting beside her. Rachel had never offered an explanation and Christy respected her friend to much to force a confidence from her. She had not meant to see the loving gesture that had passed between Rachel and the doctor. She had not meant to memorize the gentle look that was in the doctor’s eyes. She most certainly had not meant to interrupt the personal moment they were sharing. All Christy had intended to do was show Neil MacNeill she wasn’t scared of him. For some reason though she did feel scared.

Empty eyes stared past Christy into the recently harvested field behind her. Rachel had kept her secret so long that it had caused her to push away the one person she had loved like a sister. All she wanted was to pull Christy closer, but in one moment of weakness she had widened the distance between them. Sitting there in total silence Rachel wasn’t purposely avoiding her friend, in fact she had specifically asked for her company. Now, however, she was at a loss for words and the longer she sat the less she had to say. This was not supposed to happen. No one was supposed to know; she had made that perfectly clear to Neil from the very beginning. It wasn’t that she was ashamed and it wasn’t that she enjoyed keeping secrets. It was simply that her heart was not ready and this recent turn of events made her realize how far from being ready she really was.

“Please say something, Christy” Rachel let out a long sigh. “Please say anything.” The desperate tone in the woman’s voice was unmistakable.

“I’m not sure what to say, Rachel. I’ve felt awful about what I saw. I never meant to see it, I promise!”

“Oh Christy! That isn’t at all what I meant!” Rachel now turned and looked directly into her friend’s eye. “Oh please tell me you haven’t been feeling guilty this whole time!” The hurt expression on Christy’s face said it all. “No, Christy. I could never be mad at you! I’ve only been angry at myself. I’ve made such a mess of things and now I’m making such mess of our friendship.”

“Rachel, I treasure your friendship, you have to know that! I just thought this whole time that you were avoiding me because, well because…” It was a moment when Christy was completely lost. There was nothing else to say because she knew nothing about what was going on. She had spent nights on end imagining all of the possibilities and trying to understand why her heart seemed so tangled over what she had seen. Nothing made sense to Christy and it was taking all her strength to sit there quietly instead of begging for answers. She reached over and took Rachel’s hand in her own. Rachel’s long, delicate fingers were soft and warm to the touch. Christy compared them to her short little fingers, her brother had always teased that they were stubby. Suddenly Christy remembered this same hand being held by Dr. MacNeill and felt her heart go numb. Quietly she thought to herself, “No wonder he enjoys holding her hand, she’s simply perfect.” The thought contained no malice or envy, only a simple understanding of why a man, that man, would love this precious friend of hers.

“There is really nothing to tell you,” Rachel’s interruption brought Christy’s attention back to the present. “There is no understanding, we are not courting, it is only friendship.” The sadness in her voice did not make her statement very convincing.

“Rachel, you know there would be nothing wrong if you were, you were in a…” Christy faltered, how should she say it? Why was that word sticking in her throat, choking her so that it would not be released? She began again, “…a relationship with the doctor.”

“Ha!” Rachel let out a true laugh. “This coming from the girl who is most adamantly against Neil MacNeill in every possible way!” Apparently Christy’s personal opinions of the doctor had not been missed by Rachel. In fact very few people were not aware of Christy’s firm stance against the Dr. MacNeill. It made Christy wince to think that her judgmental comments had kept Rachel from coming to her sooner. “Why the sudden change of heart, darling? I never considered you a romantic.” Rachel was teasing her now and it made Christy happy to see an up turn in the conversation.

“Oh have no fear, I still think Dr. MacNeill is wanting in many areas,” Christy giggled although she now felt the need to redeem herself, “However, I just meant that I have seen no reason for you to hide a relationship. Is there any reason in particular?”

“Its so complicated Christy. At first, when Neil and I had just begun spending more time together, I told him that we had to keep things private because of his lack of faith.” She paused, “Oh, that’s right, you wouldn’t have known that. Okay let me go further back.”

It was not a particularly dramatic story, but the sadness and hurt in Rachel voice was enough to break Christy’s heart. About a year ago when Rachel was still relatively new to Cutter Gap she had begun to have feelings for the doctor. Although it had taken a lot of effort on both their parts they had finally shared their growing feelings with each other. Neil had been resolutely against God from the moment they met and Rachel knew she could never sacrifice her faith in order to be with him. In the beginning she thought that their faith was the only thing keeping them apart, but then the most miraculous thing happen; Neil MacNeill accepted Christ as his savior. It was the most exciting blessing and joyous news Rachel had ever heard. She had assumed this would solve all their problems.

“That was about six months ago, Christy” the woman continued. “This is going to sound horrible, but we are friends and I must be honest with some one even if I haven’t been honest with myself.” She squeezed Christy’s hand and began again. “I should be shouting from the heavens, I should be proudly exclaiming to every member of the cove that Neil MacNeill loves me, but instead I keep telling Neil that I’m not ready. It still has to be a secret. Don’t you see, it makes no sense. The longer I wait the more confused I become and the more I hurt Neil. He doesn’t understand at all and I don’t have any answers for him.” There she had said it. Now at least one other person could share her secret and at least of little of her pain.

Again quiet enveloped the two friends. Christy bit her lip as if that would some how allow her brain to process the information more rapidly. It was bad habit she knew, but even as a child the small action always helped her concentrate. “Have you ever considered that maybe your feelings aren’t as deep as you originally thought?” The question sounded lame even to Christy’s ears. Of course she would have thought that or else she wouldn’t be struggling. “I suppose what I mean is that if you have not found peace, if you have not felt God’s peace about Neil then perhaps that is your answer.” It was the first time she had called “the doctor” by his first name. Feeling it roll off her tongue felt foreign, as if she were presuming a right that had not been given to her.

“I know, I know! But I feel like there are so many expectations. I hate the thought of hurting him, but

at the same time that’s exactly what I’m doing now.” Rachel was obviously becoming more upset and small pools of water started to tear in her eyes.

“Its not my place to tell you what to do Rachel. I will always be here though and I will be praying, I promise.”

Something broke in Rachel’s eyes. A moment of true fire and brilliance shone in them. The quiet, demure Miss Livingston disappeared over come by the fervent need for deliverance. “Christy! That is the most unimaginative answer you could possibly give me!” Rachel’s voice was edgy and sharp. “If you really claim to be my friend then you’ll tell me exactly what I need to hear. Just say it Christy! Say it because I’m to afraid to.”

Christy responded with equal passion, “Fine, have it your way.” The strength in her own voice startled her; however, Rachel’s outburst had propelled her to speak. “Rachel you’re being selfish, purely and undeniably selfish. If what you are saying is true then you’re not only ignoring Neil’s heart, but you are ignoring God’s guidance. Every moment you wait just makes you more cowardly and I know that’s not who you want to be. You act as if you don’t know the answer and yet you’ve practically told me that you’ve already made your decision. End it, Rachel!" She paused, "There are you happy?” The last sentence was said more quietly and more to herself. Christy hated being so brutal, but Rachel had asked for her honesty and as her friend she owed it to her to be clear. Never before had Christy spoken so boldly and the weight of her words was heavy on her heart. Yes, it was true, everything she said had been true, but that didn’t stop the aching she felt. Christy Huddleston may not have been very fond of Neil MacNeill; however, she would never have wished him the heartbreak that was now coming because of her words.

Silence. Total silence and then a bright flash of lightening broke through the darkening sky. The thunder would crash at any moment and ruin the calm that surrounded them. Slowly Rachel turned her tear-streaked face towards Christy. A weak, “Thank you” was whispered and then she was gone. Watching her friend pull herself towards the mission house Christy lifted up a prayer. She prayed for Rachel, that she would have the strength to do what her heart was telling her was right. She prayed that God would bless her and bring a man into her life who would provide all the hope and excitement that she knew should come with being in love. Then she prayed for Neil MacNeill. This would be a crushing blow to man who obviously held deep feelings even if he seemed so cool and collected on the surface. Though there was no logic in her reasoning, Christy couldn’t help but feel responsible for his coming pain. The rain drops fell harder upon the roof the little gazebo and Christy was glad the sky, for once, mirrored her emotions.