Author: NGBlue PM
Short reflection piece. Set between A Beautiful Sunset, and the upcoming Tokio Arc. Buffy Comic Season 8 obviously. Buffy/Satsu pairing...sortaRated: Fiction K+ - English - Angst/Humor - Buffy S. - Words: 2,609 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 02-19-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4083811
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Summary: Takes place between A Beautiful Sunset / the upcoming Tokio Arc of Buffy Comic Season 8. Short piece.
Note: This story will make very little sense if you haven't read the comics. Though it can be read on it's own I hope...
Disclaimer: Insert standard; I don't own the characters portrayed in this story, and I don't make any money off writing it disclaimer.
Buffy watched the sun slowly go down. The last rays of light were caught in the low hanging clouds, giving the sky an eery yellow glow. Normally this was her time of the day. The time to hunt, the time for her inner slayer to have some fun.
But not today. Today was mope-y day, she thought with a scowl on her face. Xander had been pretty much walking around on eggshells around her lately, insisting that after her encounter with that Twilight goon a few weeks ago that she'd take a few days off-ish while things were still slow. Whatever the hell had to go for slow anyways.
There had been more sightings lately, most of which she wasn't sure if they could be contributed to Superman's evil twin's appearance. Not that it mattered. Point was that things were definitely not of the slow. Far from. But she appreciated Xander's concern all the same. He had picked up on the tensions between Willow and herself, and well...as far as things went with her still un-normalized sister, there seemed to be pretty much an impasse. Which sorta left her with no other choice but to go to her favorite spot at one of the small lakes, or more British; ponds, on the castle's grounds.
To mope of course. Maybe to even throw in a little brooding. Angel would be so proud.
She grabbed one of the round pebbles at the water's edge and skidded it across the motionless lake. It only bounced twice before it sank under. Definitely out of practice on that one. Wasn't what she had came here for either. Neither the moping/brooding nor the stone skipping practicing. Nope, it went a bit deeper then that. Yay for deepness. Sometimes she felt as things never went deeper then the shallow variety. And now her thoughts were jumping through hoops, which was just great. She'd already sorta lost the train of thoughts she had attempted to follow several times since she had arrived.
The place was nice though. Even with the private quarters she had at the castle, they were often not-so private. Same went for the quiet-factor. Least she was being left relatively alone whenever she went for a walk to her spot at the lake.
And her thoughts derailed again. Like they often had these past few weeks. It wasn't just Mask-boy showing up with his cliché bad-guy speech. Nope it was a lot more complex. That didn't mean he hadn't raised a valid point though. And even when she had tried to rationalize it for herself afterwards, she realized he had been right on the ball. Which probably had been part of the reason for him showing up in the first place.
Course...that still left the outstanding question on why he hadn't just finished her off when he had the chance. Hell, short of being completely unprepared for his attack, he'd been insanely strong to boot. Even right now, fully rested, she wasn't so sure if she could handle him. And for some reason, that notion didn't seem to bother her as much as it should. It was like she had told him herself, even if he took her down, there were always others to take her place.
So what was his game? Because despite him being a walking fashion disaster, she'd been pretty sure he didn't go around making house-calls to ask her or others for pointers on clothing-choices. Had to be more deep than that. But how deep was the question. They had dug for quite some time already. She'd even reconciled with Giles a bit to ask him for advice. He wasn't off the hook totally for the whole Faith-sitch, but really she was just tired of having to push everyone away, or having them pushed away for her.
Willow still hadn't come around yet. Despite being present at times to help with research, and some stuff that was more of the magical variety, they had barely spoken two words.
Being a slayer, the slayer sucked a ton sometimes. She sighed and raised her knees slightly, using them as support to rest her suddenly heavy head on. Sometimes she wondered what life would've been like if she hadn't become the slayer. A lot more boring that was sure, but probably a lot easier too. Despite the fact dwelling on such stuff would get her absolutely nowhere it was still nice to be able to dwell on it...or whatever. Anywhere but here wasn't half as much fun all by yourself.
But...the time was now. She eyed the underbrush at one side of the lake, rolling her eyes in mock-exasperation. Brooding was fun and all...but it kinda meant you had to be alone to do it the proper way. She'd had a great teacher.
"I thought we coulda at least forgone the stalking-part..."
Buffy could literally hear the other person's breathing halt for a split second, before it picked up again. Least there was nothing wrong with her slayer-senses. Probably wasn't the case with the other's either, which left the question why she had bothered hiding.
"I'm sorry Ma'am."
Buffy brushed some stray locks away, and tucked them back behind her ears as she leaned back against a tree. She noticed the expression on her companion's face and sighed inwardly. "It was a joke Satsu, well a lame attempt at one at least."
"You did not look amused."
"Guess I kinda deserved that one..." Buffy trailed off, shaking her head slightly. "Though I hope you understand I'm not all over your case on purpose."
"So you went for a walk yourself, or?"
"Or," Satsu answered. Her stance still rigid.
"You can relax yunno? We're both pretty much off-duty-ish whatever that means these days." Buffy snorted and grabbed another stone to skid it across the lake. "Welcome to join in, hone your stone-skipping skills a bit. Lord knows I'm out of practice and then some."
Satsu seemed to hesitate for a few seconds, her eyes lingering everywhere but on Buffy's form. Didn't take a rocket-scientist to figure out she was nervous about something.
"When we...talked...you said not much would change."
"Said that didn't I?" Buffy looked amused. "Well trust me I'd have loved joining in on you guys clearing out those Demons at the abandoned factory, but Xander basically grounded me." She frowned at that. "Can't think of the last time someone grounded me... Also...heard your squad did fine without me either way."
"It's not what I meant," Satsu said. Although she beamed slightly at the compliment. It wasn't very often Buffy passed those around.
Buffy gave her a confused look. "Not that sure what you do mean."
"You said you wouldn't treat me differently."
"I haven't..." Buffy blinked. "Have I?"
"I...I guess it's just me," Satsu mumbled, as she turned around to leave.
"Satsu wait..." Buffy motioned to the water's edge. "Sit down please."
Though she hesitated, Satsu finally nodded and did as told. She folded her legs and fidgeted with a loose strand from her shirt, still obviously not at ease.
"You're right," Buffy confessed. "It's not you though, it's me." Even as the words left her mouth, Buffy's eyes became large in shock. "And I really wish I hadn't said that. Guess I reached my cliche-quota for the day."
"You've been avoiding me," Satsu simply stated.
Buffy took a deep breather. "Well...when you're right...you're right. I've not been completely honest with you. Least...not about the gay part. Not that I am...I mean gay. Not that I have a problem with that...best friend playing on the other team kinda was an eye-opener yunno? And I swear there was a point to be made in here somewhere. Also...I think I'm channeling Willow."
"Right.." Buffy shook her head slightly as she gave Satsu a what she hoped, was an encouraging smile. "The point is...well I do have a healthy appreciation for other females. But I guess I never really considered it, never was given a reason to. Not a hundred percent sure that was the way I'm supposed to bring it across. Doesn't matter. Jesus, can't stop rambling can I?"
Buffy held up a hand to stop the girl from saying anything else. "Please? I gotta say this while I'm still riding this particular thought-train. "That being said though...I've seen the way you looked at me before Satsu. Probably before you fell in love with me. I've seen it in a lot of the girl's eyes. They basically idolized me...thought I was pretty much the perfect slayer. But I'm not though...God I probably invented an entirely new category of far-from-perfectness. I'm just not like that...and I don't think you realize that."
"Do you?" Buffy queried, her expression serious. "You basically saw me break down in that cemetery. You saw the damage this Twilight-nutcase did. And Satsu...I saw this look in your eyes. This disbelief. Like it was impossible for me to get beat down like that. Its...I don't think you understand, you've never been there..." Buffy looked away, her throat suddenly constricted as she felt the sadness and loneliness overwhelm her at that instant.
"So instead you decide to push me away?"
"I already said that you don't understand," Buffy answered almost harshly. She bit her own tongue as soon as the words left her mouth, but the damage had already been done.
Satsu stood up suddenly, averting her eyes before Buffy had the chance to see the tears that were gathering in her eyes. But before she could run off, a strong hand pulled her back down.
"I'm sorry..." Buffy sighed. She bit the inside of her cheek as she reached out to Satsu's face, wiping away the few tears that had escaped their confinements. "I really am a dork at times. I'm trying to protect you, in my own dork-ish ways."
"I don't need protecting," Satsu mumbled slightly under her breath, a sad look on her face.
"I know," Buffy dropped her hands back in her lap. "I know...I was even younger then you when I experienced my first, and I guess, still my strongest love. And boy were things complicated back then. Not to mention him being one of the vampires I was supposed to slay. Granted, he's got this whole having-a-soul-thing working for him, but still. Course he lost that because I made him happy...and this leads nowhere again. But for what it's worth...I'll try to not be so avoid-ish in the future."
"I...would like that," Satsu said as a hint of a smile tugged at her mouth-corners.
"I've been thinking a lot lately. And coming from me that says a lot, I'm not much of a thinker, more of a do-er. I thought that things would get easier, when I made the decision to call all the other slayers. And I remember thinking that...I really wasn't the only chosen one anymore. But I realize now that it was just a lie. I thought there would be others, a lot of others...and that...I could finally feel connected again," Buffy felt some tears of her own welling up in her eyes. "But...I don't. I still don't. Sometimes I think that I've never felt so alone in my entire life. First this thing with Giles, and then Willow. My sister...well gigantic issues doesn't begin to cover it, and yeah I recognize the tons of pun in that statement, and yep very much intended also."
Buffy sniffled, as she rubbed at her eyes with the back of her hand. Sometimes she didn't need someone to tell her what to do, or how to act, sometimes she just needed someone to listen. And lately...that someone had been Satsu. What this meant exactly, she still hadn't figured out for herself, but she guessed it was part of her current problem. Or rather...she made it into a problem. Much like she had done with everything lately. Too much time, which meant too much thinking. Maybe it was time to stop thinking.
Time to just feel instead.
"This fight we had with Twilight..I guess I just realized that despite having so many other slayers around any of us can still die ever single day. You could...I could. It's partly why I tried to push you away Satsu. If I become too close, if I become too attached...I just..." Buffy swallowed with difficulty around the lump that had formed in her throat. "I don't know what I would do if I lost anymore friends. But at the same time, I feel like I'm restraining myself too much. I try so much to be here everyday, that I just lost sight of myself."
Satsu leaned forward slightly as she moved a hand on Buffy's shoulder, which Buffy grasped in her own in response. They shared a moment until it was interrupted by Buffy's tummy loudly rumbling in protest.
Flushing slightly, Buffy stood up. "All this talk...sorta forgot it's way past dinner-time. I guess you must be starving after your slaying-session earlier as well."
"Amongst other things," Satsu mumbled under her breath.
Buffy pretended not to notice. Her mind had already gone all over the place, she desperately tried to prevent it from visiting the gutter as well.
"Appreciate you listening though," Buffy said, as she gave Satsu's hand one last squeeze before she let go of it. "God knows that it had been building up for a while."
"But...I.." Buffy shook her head. "You know sometimes speeches like this are soooo much easier when you practice 'em in front of a mirror. Doesn't matter. It can wait for now. I was just thinking about these reports we got earlier today. How does a trip to Tokio sound to you?"
Satsu smiled. "Relaxing...I hope?"
"Business I'm afraid, but who knows maybe the boss's in a good mood and we can sneak in some R&R."
They started walking back towards the castle when Buffy caught a whiff of something. "You know...I've been wondering what's this shampoo you've been using?"
Fade to the Black...
That's all for now...it's not much but it was nagging at me to be written down.