|The White Book
Author: Elliot Pole PM
It's Noble Ipalae Day, and Sabrina has a strange desire--to have Cousin Amanda fart on her. Are you up to it?Rated: Fiction T - English - Words: 2,296 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 02-21-08 - id: 4087346
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The White Book
Sabrina was tossing and turning in bed. For some reason she felt a strange desire, but it couldn't be for real. She must be dreaming—otherwise she wouldn't want to do that.
She shook her head vigorously, but the thought wouldn't go away. Going downstairs, she saw her aunts in their pajamas and Salem Saberhagen eating trout. Hilda had just received a message from the Other Realm via the toaster; she did not look pleased.
"Aunt Zelda, Aunt Hilda, I have a really strange desire and I don't know where it came from," Sabrina said.
Zelda pointed a finger at the table and a calendar appeared. "Oh, will you look at that? It's March second of the leap year. Noble Ipalae Day."
"It is?" Hilda asked. "I hate N.I.D. Especially this N.I.D."
"Noble Ipalae? What does that mean?"
"It means that whatever you wished for this morning will have to come true before your desire will go away," Zelda explained.
"That's not good," Sabrina lamented.
"Surely we can make it happen, if you tell us what it is," Hilda said.
"I can't; you guys will think I'm bananas."
"Well, you're certainly not the cat's meow," said Salem.
"Does it involve anyone? We can summon them if we have to," Hilda said, nosily.
"If Sabrina wants to keep it a secret, that is her choice," said Zelda.
"It involves Amanda," Sabrina blurted out.
"Your cousin Amanda? The brat! What kind of fantasy could you have with her?"
"I'm too embarrassed to say."
"We can call Cousin Marigold to send Amanda so that you can ask her to do whatever you want," Zelda suggested.
"No, no. The desire must go away of its own; it's too repulsive."
"Sabrina, you can't run away from a Noble Ipalae wish. One Noble Ipalae Day I wanted to dissolve my fiancée with liquid radium. Even though he was the star of my life, until I had done it, I couldn't get it out of my head. It sticks in there like lead."
"You're a poet and you don't know it!" Hilda laughed.
"So what happened to your fiancée?"
"He died," Zelda said. "Dissolving someone in radium causes their body to become more susceptible to ultraviolet rays. Undoing it defies the Heisenberg Uncertainty principle."
"Well, I'd better go. Don't want to be late."
A second later, Sabrina was gone.
"Amanda has to come here, you know," Zelda said.
"But not today," her sister said. "This mail I got from the Other Realm says that the portal will only send people from this realm to the Shopping Mall of Fate, until 9 P.M. tomorrow night."
"Then why are you so miserable?"
"My N.I.D. desire is to visit mother, and she won't be at the Shopping Mall of Fate today!"
"Oh, you poor, poor thing," Zelda said, comforting Hilda.
At school, Sabrina failed two pop quizzes and a history exam, even though she had studied arduously for that test. Her mind could think of nothing but her Noble Ipalae desire. This was one of the days when she wished she weren't a Spellman.
Harvey was ignoring her, for some reason. Maybe he knew what she wanted. Sabrina decided not to go to work at the coffee house today; she had to get home lickety-split.
And when she arrived there, she had a sudden urge to go to the Other Realm. She skipped two steps at a time to the second story, and found Salem on top of the laundry basket in the hall.
"Where do you think you're going, young lady?" he asked her as she headed for the linen closet.
"The Other Realm."
"You might want to think twice about it first. All trips from this realm to the Other one today and tomorrow will sent you only to one place, the Shopping Mall of Fate." The last five words came out ominously.
"Only the most dangerous place in any known realm. Anything can happen there, absolutely anything. It defies the very laws of physics."
"Oh, well. I have to go. Besides, Cousin Amanda might be there," Sabrina said giddily, "and I might be able to convince her to fart on me."
Salem opened his mouth wide in surprise, but Sabrina went into the closet before he could say anything more.
When she opened her eyes, she found herself standing outside a bookshop. Destiny Pages, the store was called. She entered, just to look around. There were many books that looked promising. And then she saw The White Book. She opened it and at first thought every page was blank. Then she noticed something in very tiny print, and zapped a magnifying glass to read it.
If it is Noble Ipalae day, write your wish on the cover in blue ink and put it back on the shelf. Your wish will come true.
The itch to have Cousin Amanda fart on Sabrina grew ever forceful and demanding as the minutes elapsed. She decided to take the advice printed in the book.
She zapped a blue permanent marker into her hand, and wrote in smooth, cursive letters, My cousin Amanda must fart on me soon or I will blow a volcano like Mt. Vesuvius.
Then she carefully placed the book back on its shelf. Nothing happened, and Sabrina felt like cursing all the people in the shop. Then she stepped away and saw a nine-year-old girl reach for the white book.
She ran into the back of the bookstore so that no one would find out that she wrote it. There was a Chesterfield couch there, and she sat on it after grabbing a book by L. Frank Baum off a nearby shelf. Why the Oz stories were in a store in the Other Realm she had not the foggiest, but it was there, so she read it.
Then all of the people in the shop vanished. Sabrina was alone. She walked over to a window, and peered out. Clouds shone brightly in the sky, and she thought one resembled Amanda's buttocks, if only they were real…
There was commotion in the front of the store. Sabrina cautiously approached the crowd gathered there.
"Somebody should burn this book!"
"It's just someone's Noble Ipalae wish."
"Yes, but that's outrageous, preposterous, radical, irrational…"
"Which is true of all Noble Ipalae wishes, Cassandra. Remember the time you wanted to turn yourself into a specimen of E. Coli so that you could see the inside of a cow first hand?"
"That's not the same as wanting one's cousin to break wind on you!" said Cassandra.
"Well, whoever wrote it should be punished," shouted a woman who wasn't Cassandra. "My little Ashley was exposed to something nasty there."
"Your daughter should stick to books for her age group, such as those by L. Frank Baum!"
"Let's stop arguing and find the person responsible for this heinous desire!"
Someone put a locator spell on the book. Then the crowd stared at Sabrina, or appeared to. Three witches came toward her.
"I didn't do it!" she tried to protest, but they went past her and placed their arms on a man stand behind her.
"You, Wazarb. The book says you wrote that vile message that corrupted my daughter."
The warlock stared at the witch blankly. "I don't know what your talking about."
"You want your cousin Amanda to fart on you."
His face scrunched up in disgust. "Why would I want that? I don't even have a cousin Amanda."
"Tell it to the sewer water you're about to be dissolved in."
Then the warlock's face was overcome with joy. "That's my Noble Ipalae wish!"
But his captors could not discern his ecstasy from acknowledgement that they had been correct. "We know it's your Noble Ipalae wish, but it's too bad. No Cousin Amanda's shall be passing gas on your body today."
Sabrina had to stop this. "Wait, you got the wrong person. It was me who wrote on the white book!"
The witches stared at her. "Nice try, lassie. We know you'll miss your boyfriend, but he has caused a little girl's mind to become replete with dirty images."
"But—" Sabrina started to say, wanting to argue that the warlock in question was not her boyfriend but in fact a complete stranger. However, the witches and the accused vanished in a puff of smoke.
Two cards lay on the ground where they disappeared. Sabrina walked over to them and saw that they had the words "Noble Ipalae" written in weird colors. She opened one.
"I, Gabriel Marchton Lubrius, had my Noble Ipalae wish fulfilled when I was dissolved in sewer water."
The other one read as follows:
"I, Agatha Luteen Firebrand, had my Noble Ipalae wish fulfilled when my daughter Ashley's mind became dirty from a book."
The latter really shocked Sabrina but she pocketed the cards and turned to glance around the bookstore. She realized that the one place she wished to be was home, so she left the shop and zapped herself to the linen closet.
When she opened the door, she was greeted with peals of surprise. Her twelve-year-old cousin hugged her tight. "Oh, I missed you so much," Amanda said, cheerily.
Aunt Zelda and Aunt Hilda were standing there, too. "Salem told us about your escapade to the Other Realm," the former said. "We were expecting you to be at the coffee house, and had already phoned Cousin Marigold to send Amanda so that your Noble Ipalae wish could be fulfilled, and it was too late to cancel."
"You guys are the best," Sabrina said, hugging both her aunts.
"So, what is your Noble Ipalae wish?" Hilda asked.
"Shh. Let's leave them be, shall we?" Zelda asked. Sabrina pulled Amanda into her bedroom, right across the hall from the linen closet.
"Well, I'm dying to know what cousin Sabrina's big Noble Ipalae desire has to do with me," Amanda said.
"Well…I'm a little embarrassed."
"I can't grant it if I don't know what it is."
"Well, you see, Amanda, I want you to fart on me."
"It's not that difficult. I just want you to pass gas on me."
"That certainly can be arranged," Amanda said. "But where exactly should I do it? Neck, belly, feet?"
"Well, I have an image of you—promise you won't think I'm a dork?"
"Oh, Sabrina, I already do."
"Oh, right. Well, I want you to fart on my face."
"Suits me," Amanda said. A second later Sabrina was lying supine on her bed, and Amanda had her legs spread wide, lowering her posterior toward Sabrina's head. "Witho or without panties?" her cousin asked.
"Although it might be more enjoyable without," Sabrina said, "it's probably safer for you to leave them up."
"Down it is," Amanda declared, and cast a spell to make her bottom bare. Half a minute later Amanda's posterior made contact with Sabrina's lips. And Cousin Marigold's daughter let out a humungous fart.
Sabrina drew pleasure from it. It was what she wanted more than anything; she felt a ripple of ecstasy run down her spine. Then came another fart, and another. What bliss! She felt like she was on cloud nine; she could stay up here forever.
And then suddenly, she found her situation repulsive. Amanda continued to fart, but Sabrina felt as though she had just been violated. Worse, Amanda's butt was bare---probably unsanitary. What had she eaten to create that last fart, a truckload of beans? Sabrina couldn't take it anymore. Desperate times called for desperate measures. She had to use the tongue.
Nothing would've startled Amanda more than what happened next. Sabrina licked her posterior, and she jumped up eight feet, giving Sabrina enough time to zap herself out of the way before Amanda's bare bottom fell on her pillow.
"Hey, you wanted me to fart on you, so I did. There was no need to lick my butt, too."
"You were getting out of control," Sabrina informed her. Any longer and my face might've got stuck to your rear end."
"It would've been the perfect place for it. Besides, I could live with that," Amanda said, her voice getting loud.
"Well, I couldn't!"
Both of Sabrina's aunts entered at that moment. Hilda grabbed Amanda and pulled her into the hallway, then threw her into the linen closet. She returned shortly. "Noble Ipalae go too far?"
"She was getting greedy," Sabrina said.
"That tends to happen when your Noble Ipalae desire is ground in the willingness of someone else," Zelda told her. "But it's over now."
"Look, your card!" Hilda exclaimed, pointing to a 4x5 with the colorful design on the front. Hilda picked it up to open it, but Sabrina zapped it into her hand.
"Fine," Hilda said, perturbed. "I'll ask Salem about it. He seemed to think it was particularly funny."
Zelda followed Hilda after the latter stormed out of the room. Then Sabrina was left in peace to read her card.
"I, Sabrina Morgan Spellman, had my Noble Ipalae wish fulfilled when my cousin Amanda farted on me."
She put it in her dresser-drawer and hoped for something less outrageous and downright gross for the ensuing Noble Ipalae Day.
Thank goodness it only occurs every four years, she thought.