Decades later…

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

The old grandfather clock by the stairs ticked softly in its corner. Candles were put out, no fireplace was lit. Everything was still.

The breeze outside was blowing through fig leaves and tall grass of lawns that had not been mown for years. The overgrown plants in the yards rocked solemnly in the cold, dry atmosphere. The houses lining the street were constructed of old red brick and no lights shining through any of the windows. It was late; extremely late. There was no noise apart from the sound of the wind blowing through the village.

This was a neighbourhood of memories for Albus Dumbledore. As he sat in his childhood bed late that night, his thoughts floated high as the clouds high above. Not all his memories of Godric’s Hollow were pleasant, but he did grow up in the village and therefore, there was some significance to it.

It was why Albus chose to return to it once a year and stay for a few days. He felt different each time he arrived at Godric’s Hollow. It was indescribable, most of the time. He sometimes did not even remember why he returned. Did he want to dig up bad pasts? Fight undefeated demons? Revel in good reveries? Albus was not always sure.

Albus walked down the long, cold corridors of his previous home, looking at the dusty photographs hanging from the walls, the dust-layered furniture, the unwashed floorboards and the windows that desperately needed scrubbing. All these little things seemed to hold lifelong memories that were worthy of remembrance.

Entering into the old living room, emotion filled Albus’ being as he looked around the at the tattered furniture. Scorch marks decorated seat cushions and a sofa leg had snapped. The clock on the mantel had had its handles cursed out of it and the wall behind it sported a hole. Nobody had bothered to really clear the mess up, for not long after Ariana had been killed, the Dumbledore brothers moved from their home, with Aberforth opening his bar, the Hog’s Head, and Albus moving on to other projects of his own.

His eyes fell on the front door, where the doorframe was half-torn apart. He remembered that last spell he had thrown at his enemy. It would have gravely injured him if not for his speed and that doorframe blocking the path of the spell…

Well, when you go
Don’t ever think I’ll make you try to stay

Grindelwald fled Godric’s Hollow that same night it happened – at least, that was what Albus assumed for he had never seen Grindelwald in the village again after the incident. Albus never fully forgave Grindelwald for partially causing such distress in his household. After Ariana’s death, he had distanced himself from what was his dream – to rule the world – and instead settled on being the scholarly man he knew he was completely capable of being. Things were in his control that way and would not spiral further than what he could command.

And maybe when you get back
I’ll be off to find another way

“At least I managed to do something right for the world, unlike him,” Albus whispered to the darkness as he sat down on one of the threadbare sofas, his eyes afresh with tears as he gazed around the room. It was as though he was trying to reason with somebody, but the helpless tone in his voice revealed his true sense of uncertainty and plea. He could still picture the fight that turned into a murder scene before his eyes and he was guilty; too guilty for comprehension, at some points. He removed his half-moon spectacles – the same ones he had been wearing all his life – and wiped his eyes, feeling the tears sting them even more.

And after all this time that you still owe
You’re still the good-for-nothing I don’t know

Albus regained his composure long enough to mutter the words, “I defeated him. I’m stronger than he is.”

But that did not soothe his aching heart. Albus could not suppress untold feelings of utter loss and the culpability was overbearing. Until then, he still did not know if he had been the one who had killed his sister. He knew one of them had, but what if it was him?

“I didn’t do it,” he tried to reason again. It was truly a pitiful sight, a grown man crying to himself in the darkness. But he could not help it. It haunted him. It probed into his core, eating away at him and making him feel hollow and truly unwashed, unclean. He felt as though he had sinned greatly, even though he was not entirely sure what his sin was. He felt helpless and in turn, useless.

“Like him. He’s useless.”

So take your gloves and get out
Better get out while you can

“Forget about him, he’s gone,” the Hogwarts headmaster attempted to assure. “You shouldn’t care anymore. It’s been decades and it’s honestly not worth your time or energy. Grindelwald never was and never will be. He’s locked away, the madman. He doesn’t need you, nor do you need him.”

Anybody would not have expected Albus to have had such a strong relationship with Grindelwald. In fact, it would come across as a huge shock to most. Albus was always a solitary person and to have him depend on somebody so much was quite surprising and in truth, quite unbelievable.

When you go, would you even turn to say,
“I don’t love you,
Like I did yesterday.”

But he needed to know why things had to get so far. Buttons had to be pushed and it became something that it should not have. Nobody was supposed to die that night, nobody was supposed to run and nobody was supposed to lose a friend – much less a person whom you had had feelings for, such strong emotions that can never be explained with just words.

The simple fact that a goodbye was not said tore Albus apart. For he felt that if it was supposed to end that way, something heartfelt could have been shared by both friends at the very least. But nothing ever went according to plan.

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating

Fighting Grindelwald was one of the hardest things Albus had ever had to do in his long life of suffering and solitude. Just seeing him again made it unexplainably hurt – seeing that he had not changed at all. He still had that same maniacal ambition in his eyes, that look that drew Albus to Grindelwald. It was that look that made Albus want to follow Grindelwald’s mission and it brainwashed him, in a sense, into believing whatever Grindelwald had planned for the world was for everybody’s benefit.

But years later, Albus had finally seen through the façade that Grindelwald had placed in front of him. He was being used for his intelligence and credibility. Grindelwald obviously knew, from friendly questioning, that Albus excelled at school and was a favourite of the teachers. He knew that if Albus were to just pull on a few strings, their propaganda would have been accomplished. It took Albus several years, but he had finally broken free from that hold Grindelwald had on him. However, special feelings did no dissolve and Albus resorted to having to fight Grindelwald. It was his silent entreaty, a silent apology. He wanted it to end, but they, as they always do, went too far.

But baby, when they knock you down and out
It’s where you ought to stay

Albus defeated Grindelwald, who was at the time, supposedly the most powerful wizard in Britain, owner of the Elder Wand. Somehow, something slipped and it was in Albus’ favour. He was lucky – it could have been much worse.

“He deserved what he got,” Albus told himself as he leaned back in the dilapidated settee, his head full of images of the battle and of Grindelwald jumping, dodging spells and stabbing his wand at air as he shot curses out at Albus through his ‘unbeatable’ wand. “We both deserve whatever wounds we have now.”

And after the all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar’s just another blow

“But I’m still indebted,” he murmured. Albus’ gaze fell upon a family portrait sitting on the mantelpiece. It showed the five Dumbledores – one happy family. The glass frame, however, was cracked in several places. It did not sever the representation, but it did seem like divine intervention. It seemed to represent something in its own right. Albus stood before it, his piercing blue eyes running over every inch, every nook and cranny, of the piece, but he still could not see it. He knew there was something there.

So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up while you can

Then it hit him; it hit him forcefully. Things from the outside world – represented by the glass frame holding the family in place – interrupted the happiness and the comfort of the Dumbledore household. The boys who tormented Ariana, their father going to prison, Grindelwald…they were all things that could have been avoided, but fate tested them and they could not get around destiny. The glass broke, exposing their family and it caused their downfall.

“Years of not knowing…years…”

What if he had not met Grindelwald? Would it have made much of a difference to the way things worked out? Maybe it would have made something small turn into something significant. Albus never needed Grindelwald to become who he was, he realised. Grindelwald was added burden to his already overflowing pile. He was pushed into the deep by this man and he took a very long time to get out.

When you go, would you even turn to say,
“I don’t love you,
Like I did yesterday.”
Come on, come on

Grindelwald never cared about Albus, so why should he care about him? Why did he still have to go on asking himself the same questions every night? It beleaguered him and it put him in a position where he sometimes felt too powerless to speak. He was incomplete and he did not have the closure that probably Grindelwald had. Grindelwald knew who killed Ariana; Albus could see it in his eyes. But they never got to talking before spells were fired and the most heated battle of their time commenced.

When you go, would you have the guts to say,
“I don’t love you,
Like I loved you yesterday.”

Maybe Grindelwald did not have the fortitude to tell Albus; maybe by some odd and twisted logic, Grindelwald was genuine and he did understand what Albus went through.

“I can’t believe that anymore,” Albus shook his head. “Decades of waiting won’t do.”

“I don’t love you,
Like I loved you, yesterday.”

Albus gathered his things and left the house that night, secretly vowing never to return to it. He had tried to do so years prior, but he had never kept his promise. Somehow or other, though, he felt he could this time around. He felt that he could do himself that very gesture; that favour. Albus had much more pressing matters to worry about at the present time. Dwelling on the past was not something he should be doing.

“I should take the memories out tonight,” he thought. He had delayed fishing through his mind and extracting the bad memories for years because he felt that he wanted to work it out on his own. But Albus knew that he could not because it was just not in his power anymore. He may be proclaimed to be the greatest wizard that ever lived by some, but he too had his limits. He was sure Merlin needed an off day once in awhile.

As Albus looked back at his childhood home from the end of Godric’s Hollow, he heaved a huge sigh. It was not one of relief, not one of closure, but it would have to do. At least he knew one thing was certain, that he had to forget. If not Ariana, Grindelwald. He had to come to terms with himself sooner or later – he picked later. But he was already certain of one thing and that gave him a small sense of contentment.

“I don’t love you,
Like I loved you yesterday.”

Author’s Notes: I’m finally done with this! Goodness, how long has it been? Over a month, close to two, I’m willing to bet. This did not go through my beta, because I was too impatient to wait for her to get home, but I’m hoping you like what you read :D I’m quite pleased with this myself. It turned out very different from what I had originally planned for the song, but I think it worked out very well. Do give feedback!

The song used is a very beautiful one called I Don’t Love You and it is by My Chemical Romance. All credit in regards to the song goes to them.