A/N: This is a parody of my other fic, Home Is Where We Belong. I do not know what possessed my mind, but all I know that he was very scary and demanded that I write this or else my stuffed-turtle “gets it”! (shudders)

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-H-o-m-e--I-s--W-h-e-r-e--W-e--B-e-l-o-n-g-

Birthday Present Gone Oh-So-Wrong

“Lloyd…use it wisely.”

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Flicking on the lights, Kratos brought out his present from its hiding place under the table and presented it to his son.

“Happy birthday,” he said, a mixture of awkwardness, sheepishness, and happiness all in one.

Lloyd’s eyes widened, looking back and forth between his father and the gift. Tentatively, he reached for the oddly-wrapped present, only to begin ripping the shiny membrane in his hasty curiosity.

Kratos unconsciously clenched his fist – a habit he developed whenever he was nervous. Grinning when she noticed this, Anna set the knife down. One hand covering his fisted one, she tiptoed to plant a quick kiss on his cheek.

He began to relax; the tight coil in his stomach unwinding slowly. Kratos closed his eyes to relish in the excited sounds of his son and the sweet melody that began streaming from his wife’s lips.

Lloyd’s mood dampened considerably when he finally finished unwrapping the present. Hesitantly, his tiny arms lifted out a small box from the flurry of tissue paper.

“Dad…what are-” Lloyd squinted, drawing upon his basic knowledge of reading and writing, “…co…con…con-dom…s…?”

Anna choked on her tea.

“They are defensive tools which should be used to protect yourself,” his father said sternly, his eyebrows creasing together. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, “Remember to arm yourself, Lloyd.” The boy merely gazed at him in innocent curiosity, wondering what his father meant by the cryptic words.

Grabbing a thick roll of Sunday’s Vogue magazine, Anna whacked her husband upside the head, screaming, “Kratos Aurion! You got our son a CONDOM?! He’s only SEVEN for God’s sake!”

Kratos held his hands to ward off his wife’s attacks, eerily calm about his present choice, “It’s never too young to be on your guard,” he replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Clearly, it did not occur to him how early his gift was.

Anna ditched the Sunday magazine and opted for the jumbo November edition.

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A/N: Hohoho…the lightbulbs of crazed mind. (grins)