From the girls who brought you the POTC translation parody comes an epic 1920's crime drama, complete with fedoras, zoot suits, kung fu moves, and exciting car chases. When Jack the mobster shows up in Liz's speakeasy, trouble erupts for young Will, a small-town reporter with the hots for Liz. You've never seen POTC like this before!

All the best parts of this were written by Willofthewisp-- and you all know how fantastic she is. Thanks from both of us to the darling gals at KMC for their help, humor, encouragement, and pictures of Johnny to inspire us. This is for you, guys.

Disclaimer: POTC belongs to Disney... for the time being, anyway. And, yeah, we know it's script form, and we know how FF feels about that, and we also know this is pretty darn funny and you ought to read and enjoy it before reporting us. So if it makes you laugh, cut us some slack and forget about the little script bits. :)

MOBSTERS OF CHICAGO: A PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN PARODY

Part 1

CUT TO…a boat full of immigrants pulling into New York harbor.

(We open on a boat in the mist just like in COTBP. It is the early 1910s.)

Young Elizabeth:(singing) You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss. A sigh is just a sigh...

Gibbs: Bah! Singin' on a ship.

Young Elizabeth: You don't understand, Mr. Gibbs. This is America. I can start a new life here.

Gibbs: Plenty o' people try to start a new life in America, lass, only to have the crime syndicate take it away. Why, you cross paths with a big-city mobster, and the next thing you know, you'll be tied up every which way and large cemented shoes mounted to your feet. And then they take you in the dead of night to a bridge overlooking the murkiest waters...

Norrington: And what, Mr. Gibbs?

Gibbs: And, and...I'll just sit over here.

Young Elizabeth: I would so like to meet a mobster. It sounds so exciting.

Norrington:(laughs) Think again, Miss Swann. Any mobster that so much as meets you would do unspeakable things to you, even at so young an age, which is why when I get to America, I will join the police force, making it possible for young people like you and I to flourish here.

(They all see the Statue of Liberty. Young Elizabeth is very excited. Suddenly, she sees something)

Young Elizabeth: There's something in the water.

Gibbs: That'd be the dead bodies, lass.

Norrington: No! It's a boy! You men! Hoist him up!

(The crew pulls a boy up on deck. He is soaked and coughing, hanging onto consciousness. Young Elizabeth runs to him)

Norrington: Stay here with him. (runs off)

Young Elizabeth: Sh, I'm Elizabeth Swann. You're safe now.

Young Will: My name's (cough) Will. Turner.

Young Elizabeth: Where did you come from, Will? What were you doing in the water?

Young Will: I can't tell...(passes out)

(Young Elizabeth sees a gold necklace around his neck. She fingers it as her eyes go wide)

Young Elizabeth: You must be a thief!

Norrington: Who is he, Miss Swann?

Young Elizabeth:(takes the necklace) I, I don't know. But I'll watch over him.

(She looks out at the harbor once more. She sees some dead bodies floating in the water.)

CUT TO…Elizabeth’s bedroom

1920s...about 10 years later.

(Elizabeth wakes up in bed, realizing it was a dream of what happened long ago. Disoriented, she staggers to her dresser and pulls out the necklace. She considers putting it around her neck but hesitates. She pockets it instead. She lifts her nightgown and straps a pistol to her right thigh. Then she goes behind her screen to dress.)

Elizabeth comes out from behind a screen, dressed to kill. She pauses in front of the mirror to apply rouge and lipstick, and adjust her bobbed hair. Suddenly, there’s a knock on her door.)

Elizabeth: Yes?

(A maid enters with coffee.)

Maid: There’s someone downstairs to see you. A reporter for The Herald.

Elizabeth: Reporter?

Maid: And he’s simply a dream!

(Elizabeth runs down the stairs, where Will is standing in suspenders, holding a notebook. He turns around to greet her, and is obviously taken aback by how stunning she is.)

Will: Ms. Swann!

Elizabeth: Will! It’s been too long! (she kisses him on the cheeks) What are you doing in Chicago?

Will:(indicates notebook) I’ve got a job for The Herald. What this city needs is a good dose of truth.

Elizabeth:(amused) So you’re here to bring down the mob and expose the speakeasies, is that it?

Will: With your help! I was told you knew more about the business than anyone, Ms. Swann.

Elizabeth: Call me Liz. Everyone else does.

Will:(blushes) Oh, I could never…

Elizabeth: Well you certainly won’t net the criminals with that kind of attitude. Don’t you know, everything today is thoroughly modern? I have to run, Will. I’ve got a date.

Will: Can we meet later?

Elizabeth: We’ll say Tortuga Joe's, around 8:30? They’ve got live jazz.

(She dashes out the door and Will is left gaping after her.)

CUT TO..an upscale restaurant. Elizabeth is sitting across the table from Norrington, a recently promoted Police Commissioner.

Norrington: So then I says to the guy, that was Sal Capone!

(Elizabeth laughs.)

Elizabeth: This town sure has changed in the past few years.

Norrington:(adjusts his collar and leans toward her nervously) Liz, I have to tell you something.

Elizabeth:(lights up a cigarette) Go on then, darling.

Norrington: I’ve been waiting for just the right moment… things have calmed down at work, and I think it’s time we…

Elizabeth: What?

Norrington: Well, what I mean to say is, I want you to move in with me. Will you?

(Elizabeth stares at him blankly for a moment.)

Elizabeth: Can you excuse me for a moment? I’m going to run to the powder room…

CUT TO…Elizabeth ducking out of the restaurant and making her way to Tortuga Joe's, a notorious speakeasy around the corner.

CUT TO...a small boat out in the lake, crossing from Michigan.

(We pan in closer and closer to the boat and see a familiar face. It is Jack, dressed simply in black slacks and a white collared shirt, but with a long coat and hat-- a pirate of a different era. He stands looking purposeful on the boat until we see an arm punch him in the face. He goes down.)

Mobster: Thought you could run, huh, Jack? Don Vito Barbossa will never let you live. (takes a swing)

Jack:(springs up and grins) You forgot one very important thing, pal. I'm Jack Sparrow! (leaps up and dodges this punch. He runs to the end of the boat and knocks off some barrels marked "ale." As the boat goes under a bridge, Jack manages to leap off to one of the support structures. The mobster is left dumbfounded, like Jack disappeared.)

Jack: Too easy. (climbs up the support and onto the dock. He walks around and sees a place that says "Brown's Pet Store." Smelling a rat, he walks in.)

CUT TO..int. of Tortuga Joe's.

(The "pet store" is actually a swinging speakeasy with jazz filling the place. Jack seems to feel at home. He sees a woman cross from the bar to a table. Intrigued, he follows her.)

Man: So what'd you say to this Norrington fella?

Elizabeth:(sips her Mint Julep) I don't know. James is so nice and kind and we go way back, but he's a police commissioner, and I have an eye to buy this place. Thanks for the drink, sir, but I better be on my way to getting back.

Man: Dames like you don't come around every day.

(Before Elizabeth can look flattered, the man lunges and takes her in a choke hold. The bar is so full and busy no one really notices.)

Man: I'll tell you what, kid. I'll not only buy this place and make you my bartender, but I'll take you out back and we'll share a little more than business.

(Elizabeth struggles but sees he has a switchblade on him.)

Jack:(to a guy next to him) Want to help her out?

Man2: And spoil my suit?

Jack: Fop. (crosses to man and Elizabeth) Please, sit back down. There's no reason to stand up on my account.

Man: Get lost, ya bum!

Jack:(signals a waitress) Rum and Coca Cola, dear. (back to man) Sit, sit. I may have something to say about this proposition myself. Buying this place eh? I used to have a few up in Brooklyn.

Man:(now interested and sits. He slams Elizabeth down hard) Wait a minute! I know you! Jack Sparrow, mobster ran entire city blocks! (grins) Until you got them all taken out from under ya. What's the matter, serve Don Barbossa a bad canoli?

Jack: Something like that.

(We hear a shot. The man screams and clutches his kneecap. Jack shot him under the table. The crowd looks and the music stops. In seconds, everyone goes back to what they were doing.)

Jack:(to Elizabeth) Now that he's out of the way, that is a lovely dress, love. It should be a dress or nothing...and I happen to have no dress in me car.

Elizabeth:(rolls her eyes) A dress or nothing? Very original.

Jack:(grins) I've been working on it. Listen darlin', what's a nice looking dame like you doing in a place like this?

Elizabeth:(crosses her leg so that her thigh strap and gun show) I'm not a nice dame, mister. (stands as if to leave. Jack grabs her arm and pulls her back down.)

Jack: Wait a second, honey, I wasn't implying you were nice. Just nice looking. There's a difference. Way I figure it, a dame like you can cause trouble for a guy worse than drink.

Elizabeth: I think you figure correctly. (she's getting intrigued) So what are you-- a mobster, or a cop?

Jack: Maybe you tell me why you got a gun strapped to your thigh, and I'll answer that.

Elizabeth: It's a big bad world out there, mister. A girl's got to have some sense.

CUT TO…outside the window.

(A long black car pulls up. Inside is Don Vito Barbossa, dressed in a purple zoot suit and smoking. Looking through the window of "Brown's Pet Store", he spies Jack getting friendly with Liz. He turns to his henchman.)

Barbossa: It seems our Jacky has found himself a little lady.

(The henchman chuckles in an evil way.)

Barbossa: Tell our men to find out everything they can about her.

CUT BACK TO…inside Tortuga Joe's.

Jack: I think you've got more than sense, honey. But just so as you trust me, I'm Jack. Jack Sparrow.

Elizabeth: The Jack Sparrow? I've heard that name before... you're a legend 'round these parts.

Jack: I'm flattered. I'd be even more flattered if you'd return the favor and tell me your name?

Elizabeth: Liz.

(Suddenly, Norrington bursts through the door with his police sidekicks.)

Norrington: Everybody put your hands on the table, and don't move an inch!

(Everyone puts their hands on their tables, but not before dumping out their drinks. The man at the bar slides the open bottles into a cupboard and clicks it shut.)

Norrington:(sees Jack) Ah, Jack Sparrow. Notorious smuggler and mob insider. I was informed you'd be here tonight.

Jack: By whom?

Norrington: An informant, obviously. Now get up and keep your hands where I can see 'em. You're coming with me.

Jack:(thinks fast, yanks Liz in front of him and grabs the gun from her thigh strap, holds it to her head) Nobody's goin' nowhere, commissioner. Now put down your weapons or the little lady gets it.

Elizabeth: You scum!

Jack: Keep it comin', sweetheart.

(Norrington and his men are forced to drop their weapons.)

Jack: Now back away slowly, and don't let me ever catch you in this pet shop again.

Norrington: Just let her go!

Jack: Gents, you will always remember this as the night you almost caught the infamous Jack Sparrow. (kisses Liz on the cheek, and shoves the gun back into her hand) Thanks for the help, honey.

(With that, Jack dives through the glass window and disappears onto the street.)