Disclaimer: The only Heero I have is my cat and he spells it Hiro. GW is so not mine and so not filling my empty pockets. Not that this'll stop anything should Sunrise/Bandai decide it's worth pursuing me for my pocket lint...

Characters: Wufei, Heero, Duo. minor - Trowa, Quatre
Content: major stretching of credibility, silliness, probing jokes
Part Summary: Wherein the poorly hidden truth is revealed.
Word Count: 3054
Archive: ask please
Concrit: sure!
Notes: Please leave your disbelief at the door. Written for LJ comm gw500 prompt 217 – see through.

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COFFEE & DOUGHNUTS
part vi: Of Your Own Free Will
by McJ

Wufei slowly became aware of the fact that he was surrounded by light. It was brilliant and seeped through his closed eyelids in a reddish haze. Trying to open his eyes turned out to be something of a task, though, as they felt weighted down by large cinder blocks. He left that for later, choosing instead to take stock of his surroundings through other means.

Under his back was a cold metal surface. It was flat and reminded him very much of an examination table. The autopsy kind. He shuddered. After a moment, he realized he was also naked, his skin sticking in a most uncomfortable way to the polished metal beneath him. He immediately attempted to sit, but found himself secured by heavy straps at the strategic points of shoulders, wrists, hips, knees, and ankles. Forcing his eyes open, his vision took a moment to clear, but eventually revealed to him a strange assortment of machines and robotic arms that he could not put a use to. "What the-"

"Wufei?" Though it was no more than a husky groan, Wufei recognized Heero's voice coming from his right. A glance showed the other in a position like his own a couple of feet away on another table.

"Yuy? What's going on?"

"I'm not sure, but I think we're supposed to believe we're aboard that craft." He sounded groggy, much like himself. The aftereffects of a tranquilizing agent, a tactic not at all beyond the creative scope of Duo, Wufei knew.

Wufei peered around the room, taking in the curved walls. They were smooth, polished metal like the tables and machines, unadorned but for odd symbols that looked to be some form of pseudo-writing. Among the robotics were vials and tubes filled with liquids both familiar and not. The thought that they might have come from himself and Heero or waited to be put into them flitted briefly at the edge of his mind. He narrowed his eyes and shuddered again, not at all amused. "Can you free yourself?"

Sounds of weak struggle followed immediately after the question. Heero grunted as he accomplished all of nothing. "No, I'm completely incapacitated."

"Of course you are," Wufei muttered. "Any time now, Maxwell will jump out of the shadows and claim that he 'got us good.'" However, much to Wufei's consternation, what happened turned out to be nothing – perhaps because there were no shadows in the room for him to jump out of.

The entirety of nothing consisted of machines beeping, colorful beads of light dancing across otherwise dark medical monitors, and glittering robotic arms shifting at odd angles occasionally. Every now and then, the arms would come teasingly close, menacing the both of them before pulling back and finding another target. Several monitors of the non-medical variety showed himself and Heero in disturbing detail from many angles, giving the impression it was all being recorded for later re-consumption. A soft, billowing wheeze suggested air pumps of some sort were nearby, hidden from view. Wufei had no clue what use they might have.

The brightly lit room with all its highly reflective surfaces did not allow for further investigation. It filled his senses with a sterile, foggy reality that kept his lethargic mind from obtaining a full grasp of what was happening around him. This was likely the intention, he thought. Before he could think further, the machines with their vicious looking appendages started moving in a much more threatening manner.

"Yuy?" he gasped as clamps caught his head from either side and held it still. A smaller set surged in next and forced his eyelids open. The placid approach of a thick, hollow needle toward his vulnerable eyes sent a surge of dread thought him. "Yuy!"

"Do you mind, Wufei? I'm about to have a needle the size of a drinking straw jabbed through my eye!" Oddly, it was comforting to hear Heero reacting as badly as himself.

Wufei struggled for all his might against the restraints, hearing Heero do the same. Not matter how hard he tried, though, even the act of closing his eyes was beyond him. The needle came to a halt at no more than a few hairs short of touching his left eye. He wasn't sure who it came from, but a faint, fearful whimper filled the room right before a blast of cool air came out of the needle. It quickly shifted to the other eye and delivered the same to it. With a curse of discomfort, Wufei felt the smaller clamps disengage and hurriedly blinked his eyes, holding them closed as they finally teared up. "Yuy?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

An underlying tone in Heero's voice hinted that the whimper had probably been his, not Wufei's. That gave Wufei a small thrill, but it did not last long as another robotic arm swung out. This one bore what looked to be a tiny set of trimmers at the end. The end disappeared up first one nostril then the other in quick succession and slipped away with a sample of hair. Wufei pulled a repulsed face at the distasteful action – definitely Duo's handiwork. Or an alien that thought like Duo, but aliens did not exist.

A third arm doused him from head to toe with some oily, unscented liquid that quickly became sticky. His lashes practically glued themselves together under the assault, making it a chore to open his eyes each time he blinked He had the sinking feeling they'd just been doused with some sort of glue, but lacked a reason for it. Then another arm swiftly approached, jamming an icy swab between each of his toes. Wufei nearly screeched at the sudden chill, curling his toes tightly against further invasion.

"What are you doing to us? And why the hell would aliens want toe jam, Maxwell?!" Wufei shouted after, knowing they were being watched and at least one person was getting a perverse joy out of their humiliation. He received no answer, not that he expected one. "Come out, you filthy coward! Let's do this face to face!"

"Wufei?"

Heero's voice was a tad on the small side, though it was most likely the weird muffling going on in his own ears that created the impression. The stress of a heart rapidly pounding with rage could do that, he had heard. "What, Yuy?"

"Yelling may not be the best course of action in this situation."

"It might not, but it makes me feel bet-" Wufei's open mouth suffered the attention of another robotic arm at that point, this one shoving in a large wad of cottony fluff. All the moisture within was sucked away into the fluff in moments, making it stick to his tongue so that it could not be spit out. This made the strangely effective and strategically timed gag all the more annoying.

A whooshing sound caused Wufei to scowl around the fluff, wishing he could turn a glare at whoever entered. The remaining clamps, however, refused to budge. His breath caught in his drying throat when a skinny, thin-limbed being with an overlarge head and even bigger, lidless eyes leaned over him.

Its skin was greyish and unblemished. The massive eyes were deep pools of black that reflected the room back at him – which created a deeper reflection as the room itself was just as reflective. Judging by human standards, not that he had others to go by, it was male. The being – Wufei refused to think of it by any other term – might as well have been naked for all the good the silvery second-skin of a bodysuit it wore did.

The being moved closer, leaned over him, and prodded hard at various spots on his body with frighteningly long fingers before moving over to do the same to Heero. Wufei searched with sharp eyes for seams that would give it away as nothing more than an elaborate costume. Much to his dismay, none existed. A decidedly natural appearance to not only the skin but the eyes and finger joints, as well, sent a flicker of worry through him.

"What do you want? For us to admit we've been bested?" Heero demanded of the being, trying to hide a very faint air of uncertainty that matched Wufei's own. Heero received no response beyond a slightly harder jab at his belly, causing him to grunt.

The being raised its hand and waved it through the air. For what reason, Wufei could not determine. Not until the bindings securing his legs shifted, anyway. His legs were forced to lift and bend, no matter how he fought against it. Wufei wanted to shout obscenities as his most intimate parts were bared for all to see, wanted to break the monitors filled with his image.

"Initiating probe," an obviously altered, disembodied voice announced, filling the room from several directions. Wufei noted the being's tiny sliver of a mouth never moved and vaguely recalled hearing something about aliens having telepathic abilities. However, he could not quite match up having a voice in the room with his understanding that telepathy reputedly sent words directly into the mind. This worked to calm the minuscule fear that he might be wrong. It did nothing for the knowledge of what was about to happen with the so-called probe, though.

Fortunately for Wufei, while he could not share his thoughts on this matter through anything more than agitated pulling against the restraints and inarticulate growling, Heero did a stunning job vocalizing his discontent. The foul spewing of filthy language, obviously learned in such depth from Duo, was magnificent.

Around them, machines as yet unused began a slow descent. At the end of these newest arms were a set of decidedly phallic cylinders with smooth, rounded ends – the probes, obviously. Their destinations were easily projected – with a swiftness that hurt, really – to be located, one each, between Heero and Wufei's upraised legs. More oily substance oozed over the polished metal surfaces, a quiet splattering coming from the floor where droplets of the stuff landed.

An image pasted itself across Wufei's squirming mind and it was not one he wanted to consider further. His buttocks clenched tightly of their own regard, his legs straining hard against the straps to pull free. He cursed Duo up and down, back and forth, and even diagonally through the fluff filling his mouth. It was a pity Heero could not hear as it would have urged him to greater heights of his own, Wufei was sure.

The large-headed being watched from its place between the tables, staring down at the both of them with its freakishly huge black eyes. It waved its hand once again and the voice rang out again through the room. "Commence memory wipe and implantation of tracking device."

The monitors stationed around the examination room gave Wufei a multi-angle view of the rising horror on his own face as the probes moved steadily toward their destinations. It quickly became apparent this was more than he was prepared to deal with.

A lengthy torture session? Fine.

A bloody, gaping wound with no sign of help on the horizon? No problem.

A large, oily, metal probe shoved up his backside for the purpose of wiping his memory and sticking a tracking device in him? Not in a million years. It did not matter if it was real or fake. Wufei did the only thing he could: he panicked.

Through wide, frantic eyes, he caught a matching expression of dread on Heero's face in the monitors. This only made Wufei panic more. In a manner very unlike himself, he keened in something rather akin to abject terror. Muffled by the cottony fluff in his mouth, the sound nevertheless was a distinct whine centered near the back of his throat – he would never live this down, no matter how hard he denied the whole thing. Of course, he would never live down many things from the past couple of days, so what harm was one more? From the other table, Wufei faintly made out Heero endeavoring not to follow right along with his example, his earlier failure to bite it back plainly making him fight it all the more.

On the very edge of disaster, as a chilly probe only just touched against quivering flesh and Wufei's whimpers threatened to come unbridled, the grey being raised its hand again. This time, a hard to forget voice came most decidedly from it as it called out, "That's good, Mikey. You can back off the probes now. I think they get it."

Wufei nearly choked on the wad of cotton as the probes pulled away. His fright rolled in his belly, not yet ready to be replaced by the returning fury rising from somewhere around his still tightly curled toes. Although, considering his toes were raised above the rest of him, he thought in a strangely lucid moment, that the fury would perhaps be better described as sinking.

The being tugged off its hand, revealing a much smaller, no questions asked human one underneath. Then it reached up and tore at something behind its head. From there, it pulled off a mask, setting free a long, familiar braid. Duo met first his eyes, then Heero's, taking in the heaving chests and limbs shaking in the aftermath of an adrenaline rush. His grin was dark and rife with victory.

"Hey, guys," he greeted them. "You two are a real couple of turkeys, you know that?"

Wufei narrowed his eyes and scowled at him.

Duo responded with a wink, then asked, "You know what makes this whole thing even better than I anticipated?" He gave them a moment as if waiting for a response, but one never came around either the cotton fluff or Heero's panting. "It's the fact that you both knew it was me. You knew I was behind it all and yet you still let yourselves be dragged along for the ride. The both of you are ultimately strapped down to these tables, moments away from a serious butt-probing," he paused again, then enunciated the next words with a slow, distinct, loving pleasure, "of your own free will."

It was true. Either one of them could have put a stop to events well before they reached this point at any time. Wufei wondered if Heero experienced the same sudden, bitter emergence of self-directed shame and disgust that washed over him right then.

"I've told you both before," Duo continued, "never try a master at his own game." He gave them each another pointed look, his grin stretching to terrifying proportions. "Unless you like losing, that is."

Heero pulled himself together first, throwing out the question that burned brightly on both their minds. Not that Wufei could have given him any real competition with his mouth still stuffed full of cotton. "How?"

Rubbing his hands, one still in alien costume, together like an evil villain from an old movie, Duo explained, "A little schmoozing with the boss lady brings some amazing facts to light. Did you know she can put a week of vacation on your record retroactively?" He tapped a button beside one of the monitors and Wufei found his head free from the clamps. Duo's grin became nothing short of devious. "Something like that gives a guy a lot of free time without anyone knowing. Oh, and don't forget a department full of boys and girls ready to do the Devil's dirty work when he comes calling."

Duo curled his hand into a fist and dropped it down on another button. This one released a load of tiny brown and white feathers from the ceiling, coating both Wufei and Heero, adhering to the sticky substance still covering them. Wufei had forgotten about the glue with the toe swab and aborted butt-probe.

"Like I said," Duo gloated, chortling, his own hair liberally dotted with feathers as well, "a real couple of turkeys." He shook his head, freeing several feathers.

Trying to blink away the feathers sticking to his eyelids, Wufei made a note to pay back each and every one of the fiends that had played a part in this particular stunt, no matter how small. With no recourse to verbally chewing Duo up and spitting him out, Wufei resorted to growling like a dog ready to attack. He even bared his teeth in an aggressive display, though tufts of the cotton in his mouth and the riot of feathers on his face undoubtedly ruined the effect as Duo only doubled over in laughter.

As soon as this ordeal was over and he was free, Wufei vowed that the God of Death was a dead man. A very dead man.

The quiet whoosh of the doors opening again drew Duo's attention away from them, his laughter subsiding a bit. Wufei followed Duo's gaze, his rage growing at the entrance of Duo's two most ardent cohorts. Duo offered Wufei's quivering cheek a pat before greeting them. "Q, Tro, how's the Kool-Aid?"

"I prefer fruit punch to grape, just so you know next time," Trowa answered, smirking as he had never smirked before. Wufei moved up plans to hurt him closer to the front of the list. Hurt him badly. With witnesses.

"A little too sweet for my tastes, but otherwise good," Quatre said, walking over and kindly yanking the cotton from Wufei's mouth. He offered Wufei a sip of water, but Wufei refused. Mostly on principle, but also partly out of pure pettiness. It did not help that Quatre only chuckled at the snapping sneer Wufei leveled at him. Along with Duo and Trowa, Quatre stepped away from the tables, heading toward the doors again. "Who's up for a doughnut run?"

"I told you it was a cult," Wufei spouted in righteous anger as the doors slid closed, spitting out feathers with each word. "Why does no one listen to me? None of you ever listen to me, I swear. It's like a continuing bet to see just how many times the lot of you can manage to not listen to-"

"Shut up, Chang," Heero told him with a sigh, dropping his head on the table with a clang and sending up a small cloud of feathers.

FIN