I have always been drawn to smiles.

For a mask, mostly. I don’t feel too much happiness anymore. Nor did I before. But when I met him, I learned what it was to smile and feel pure joy, especially when your smile is returned by another, just as true. And that was when my life had the only bit of true happiness I have ever felt.

He taught me about emotions, and the way we use them. He told me about his life, and I about mine. What a relief it is when you can find somebody who will actually listen to you. On that point, we both agreed.

Who am I talking about? The rightful 6th Espada, Luppi.

I’ll be honest, at first I didn’t like him much. He seemed too arrogant and narcissistic for me. But as time passed, I learned that that wasn’t the real him, only an illusion. The real Luppi was kind, sweet, and deeply philosophical. He was also incredibly funny. Often his tales would make me laugh out loud, which I don’t do anymore.

Luppi had a natural charm about him, and he was fully aware of it. Yet I never saw him abuse it. I think he just liked to know he had the power to influence others, not necessarily do so.

When he first kissed me, it came as a total shock. We had been friends for a while, and I believed that that was all I or him felt. I was wrong. I realize now that during the friendship, I had become attracted to him, enough to make me kiss back. That day, I knew that nothing but death would part us.

Death’s name was Grimmjow Jaegerjacques.

Where was I when he died? Not with him. I would have tried to prevent it, even taken the blast for him, but I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there when Grimmjow stabbed him, and I should have been.

Grimmjow. Son of a bitch. He destroyed my world, and for that I’ll never forgive him. I’ll never stop wanting to kill him every time I see him. Never stop wanting to grab my sword and watch his blood pour down on the floor. It takes all of my effort just to keep myself together. I still want to give him a slow and painful death, to make him suffer for every breath of Luppi’s life he stole.

Sometimes I think about joining Luppi. But every time I do, I hear a soft voice, his voice, in my ear: “Don’t.” I obey.

I content myself with remembering him: his face, his voice, the touch of his lips on mine. And once again, I feel his presence right by me, if only for a moment.

And then it vanishes, but still, I have felt it, and that is enough for me. Especially on the days where my heart is hurting so bad I cry in secret.

Those days are less frequent as I go on. I still have one at least once a week though. And no one’s ever noticed.

I know quite clearly now that I’m never going to kiss Luppi again. Never hold him or laugh with him again. But I still have my memories, and to these I cling desperately, the only part of our love I have left. I know I’ll never forget, not even if I live for ten thousand years, and I hold some comfort in that.

I am Gin Ichimaru, and I wear a shadow of a smile.