He knew it all

The rain pours down on the empty streets. Endlessly. As endless as her days seem to be now. She watches every single raindrop that flows down the windows of her office. It reminds her of tears. Her own tears. The ones she cries every night when no one is watching, since he died almost fourteen days ago. She swallows hard to hold her emotions back.

She sits in her office, worrying about House because a patient complained about him.

„He's more than accusing him", Cuddy thinks. He claims that it's his fault that his wife committed suicide.

„That's a pretty hard reproach, " she thinks although she knows House best. She can't imagine that he could've made this woman kill herself.

Suddenly she hears a noise in the clinic. Someone is screaming.

„It sounds like a shot!" she thinks and panic comes up. She stands up quickly to see what's going on...

She leans against the window with closed eyes, and the cold lets her shiver for a moment. She turns her head to the door and her feet start to move slowly like they did when it happened.

Her hand rests on her belly when she opens her office door and walks out.

She turns her head slowly and watches the dark hall precisely. It's terribly silent in here since he's been gone.

She almost runs into the clinic when she sees a lot of people standing in there. Screaming. Running away. Terrified looks on their faces, disbelief on others.

Someone screams for help.

Someone she recognizes as Wilson. She walks through the people quickly and suddenly time stands still.

She can't breathe and all she sees is House lying on the ground; he's not moving or breathing.

Without realizing it, she goes down to her knees and touches his throat in order to find his pulse, and when she notices the ugly, dark red wound in his stomach, she knows that there won't be a pulse, but she can't give up. She feels sick when she finds her voice back.

„He needs surgery," she says with a shaky, almost hysterical voice and faces Wilson.

„No", he answers sad. The shock still lasts on his face, mixed with disbelieve and sadness.

„No?" She asks furious and checks his pupils for reactions, but the icy-blue eyes that watched her so much times in the past, sometimes with a teasing look, a secret one here and there and in his rare moments, he looked at her in a lovely way, and today, they don't show any reaction.

Her hands start to shake and she feels terribly helpless.
„Cuddy..." he says silent.

„Do something", she begs him in a whispering voice.

„It's too late, " he says and she stands up unwillingly. The pain inside her chest makes it hard to breathe and she forces herself to look away when the tears come while she leaves...

She bits her lip when she reaches the place where she found him.

Dead.

Her hands still rest on her belly when she leans against the reception desk and stares to the ground.

„I should've told him, " she thinks and tears flood her eyes for a moment.

„He had the right to know it."
She feels the sickness coming back and walks to his office. She hesitates a moment and watches the letters on the glass door.

„Gregory House MD. Head of Diagnostics," it says and she touches the letters with her hand as though she would touch a part of him.

Two weeks.

Two weeks and she hadn't allowed that someone changed anything. Soon the letters will be removed and another small part of him will be gone from the hospital. She walks in and takes a deep breath.

How much times had she been in here and wished he would be somewhere else? Now that it's too late, she wants him to be there with all her heart.

She wants to tell him so many things. Things she never dared to say but right now she feels like a stupid coward for not telling him anything, because she'll never get the chance again.

It's a cold night and she pulls her coat tighter around her body. She just left from the benefit party they had at work and she didn't leave alone. She isn't sure whether to be happy about it or not.

The fact that she left with House is the thing that makes her think twice about it.

Despite the fact that didn't leave with him, he insisted on bringing her home and she refused it but he doesn't care.

„House, what should that be?" she asks and smiles at the absurdity.

„I just wanna be a gentleman, what's wrong about that?"
She can't help but laugh.

„It's you!"

„I just wanna be nice this one time and you doubt me. You're mean!" he says and pretends to be pissed.

„Awwww", she says. „And of course there are no ulterior motives."

She quickens her walk to bother him but he's good at keeping up with her.

„Why are you so suspicious?" he wants to know.

„I have my reasons", she says and sees her home.

„What reasons?"

„You're the most important one, " she says and changes to the other side of the street.

„All I can say is that I just wanted to do you a favour, " he says with a grin.

„And I told you that I can take care of myself pretty well," she tells him and turns around to face him while she walks the way up to her door.

„I am home now", she says friendly and opens the front door.

„Great," he says and she walks in, closing the door behind her, one hand still on the door – handle and rolls her eyes and before she thinks about it again she opens the door. He just walked a few meters away.

„Hey", she calls him and stands in the doorway with her arms crossed in front of her chest.
„Wanna come in?"

A grin appears on his face. „I thought you'd never ask, " he says and walks back. She goes in before he reaches her and asks herself in the same moment why the hell she asked him.

„Why are you here?" she asks him when he closes the door.

„You asked me to come in, " he answers and takes his jacket off.

„No seriously, why did you come?"

„Wanted to bring you home safely", he says and tries not to smile.

„Bad excuse", she tells him. „Want something to drink?"

„Sure", he says and she walks into the kitchen.

„What the hell is going on here?" she asks herself while she takes two glasses in her hand.

„I should throw him out!"

Suddenly she's frightened when she notices someone behind her and two warm hands lay on her waist very soft.

„Greg..." she says in a warning tone.

„Cuddy", he answers, ignoring the threatening tone in her voice. She gets out of his hands and walks back into the living room and ignores the warmth that spreads inside of her.

She stands by the window and needs something to do. She knows that he is wacthing her and again he approaches. A secret smile escapes from her lips when his hands touch her waist again, and she feels his body leaning on her own.

She gives up and relaxes slowly in his arms. Although she knows it's wrong, it feels so damn right in this moment. A shiver runs through her body when she feels his warm breath in her neck and his lips touch the skin softly and suddenly he goes back.

„I can't do that, you're my boss and you'll force me to do clinic hours whether we have sex or not," he says with a teasing smile, knowing exactly how much she wants him.

„Yes, I will and you never cared about the fact that I'm your boss," she says.

„So, you want me?" he asks and stands closer to her.

„I didn't say that," she answers and tries to avoid his gaze, knowing that she is blushing.

„But..." he starts and she interrupts him.

„Hell, could you just kiss me?" she never even dreamed about saying that, and she doesn't care that it's him now. A one-night stand and nothing more...

She sits in his chair and remembers every single moment of that night. She was so surprised by him being so soft and that her body could react like that because of his touches that she forgets everything around her.

In a few days, it'll all be away. His books, CD's, all the memories and he will be gone completely. She asks herself if someone will remember or even miss him.

She regrets what she did, she regrets a lot of things but not the night she slept with him. What hurts the most is the fact that she never told him that she carries a baby beneath her heart.

His baby.

He never knew that he'd be a daddy. She never told him that because she was afraid and thought that she needed a bit more time that she waited too long. She was too selfish and he'll never know that he would become a dad.

She's on the verge of tears when she feels like opening a small drawer of his desk. Something tells her not to do it; he wouldn't have wanted her to do it but she has to.

She opens it slowly and she expected everything but not this. She starts to cry and lays her face in her hands. She doesn't care if someone is going to see her or what they'll think.

She cries for minutes, maybe hours because of the pain and the loss. And, she cries because of the relief she feels.

Once she becalmed herself a bit she takes the small box out of the drawer with shaky hands.

She would've loved to see his reaction, the look on his face when she told him the truth but she'll never know. But he knew it.

„He knew everything", she thinks and starts to sob again. „He knew that I'm pregnant."

It doesn't matter how he found out, but he knew it. That's all that matters.

„I love you", she whispers tearful and takes the small baby shoes out of the box.

She leaves the hospital, knowing that she'll be awake, crying all night, but perhaps it'll be easier to let him go slowly.