Special thanks to Myriane for beta-reading this chapter.

A/N: This chapter is the long promised WAFF - or at least as near as this particular fanfic will stray towards WAFF. At the very least it will be silly. Enjoy it, because after this chapter things start getting super depressing as we approach the climax of Book 1 of Taking Sights. And because this chapter got so damn big, I split it in two, so you get to spend a little more time in Happy Fun Times Land before we all take the downer train to Eat A Pistol City.

.

"Why do you pilot the Eva, Shinji?"

He stood on a catwalk before the giant's horned mask. The air hummed with the power of the great machine. At his side stood Misato. "I suppose it's the right thing to do."

"Are you going to leave us again?"

"If I did, where would I go?"

"Nowhere," answered Rei Ayanami, taking Misato's place. "You have nowhere to go, no one who cares. Just like me."

"That's not true at all! Father cares about you! More than he does me!"

A hand fell on his shoulder. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you, son."

He didn't turn around.

The pale girl asked, "What will you do once the Angels are defeated?"

"I don't know where I'll go then. Who would want me? I'm not important. I'm nobody."

The scene shifted. He was walking along a sidewalk. Against the rich twilight sky, the leafy branches of the trees cast long, dark shadows on the pavement. Hikari Horaki walked next to him, a stack of printouts cradled against her chest. "Wait. You actually pilot it?"

A nod. "Evangelion Unit-01. But..."

"What?"

"But they don't need me to pilot it. Ayanami can, and now Asuka too. Unit-01 was supposed to be special, 'the Oni System' Dr. Akagi called it. But if anyone can pilot... that means I'm nobody."

"Then... why do you pilot Eva?"

"Because." He grunted. "Because it's the right thing to do. I have to fight the Angels."

Hikari stopped walking. A moment later he halted as well. "But," she said, brow creased, "if that's true, then why did you leave?"

Anger shot through him. "I came back, didn't I?"

"But why did you leave?"

A hand fell on his shoulder. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you, son." Shinji wheeled around and slammed his fist into the balcony window. The glass cracked under his knuckles, sending a jolt of righteous pain up his arm, rattling his teeth.

"I left because my father lied to me," he confessed to Hikari. "He used Mother against me, just like always."

The pig-tailed girl looked fearful. "Are you going to leave me again?"

"If I did, where would I go?"

"Maybe... maybe you could stay here, Shinji."

He cocked his head to the side. "But why would I want to st-"

"Seriously," interrupted a familiar voice, "this is the best you can dream of?" He swung around and saw her; dressed in her red plug suit, right arm and right eye bandaged. Shinji fixated on the bare fingers that dangled out of her bandages - the nails were crusted with something brown. Blood. "At least this isn't as screwed up as that sandbox soundstage thing."

"Asuka?"

Reflecting the sunset, her smile gleamed with ruddy glee. "You know, it's disrespectful to sleep during class."

"Huh?"

"MISTER IKARI!"

At once Shinji scrambled to his feet, out of desk before he even realized he was now awake. All around him, his classmates watched with the weakest sort of self-restraint for their amusement and pity. Hikari Horaki looked at him with an expression that said he was the rudest, most idiotic boy in the world. Shinji felt his back flush.

"Save your napping for after school," snapped the teacher. "You're disturbing the class. Now go stand in the hall!"

"Y-yes, sir!"

# # # presenting # # #

TAKING SIGHTS

Chapter 16 The Great Classroom 2-A Apple Peel-Off (Part 1 of 2)

Written by: Lavanya Six

(please dont sue)

# # # another installment in a continuing series # # #

.

WEDNESDAY

.

When dawn came to Tokyo-3, it blazed across the horizon onto a city of soldiers, scientists, and fools. Little did this teeming, anonymous mass of humans truly realize how close to extinction - nay, annihilation - they stood. Yet the terrible truth did lurk in the hearts of them of all, even if they chose not to acknowledge it.

In one particular apartment in Tokyo-3, a triple murder-suicide has just occurred. A lone boy simply snapped from the stress brought into his life by the Angels. He stole a gun and murdered his three female housemates before turning the weapon on himself. We needn't concern ourselves with this terrible crime, however, because like most forms of nastiness in Tokyo-3 it will be covered up in the name of the public good.

Shinji Ikari will certainly never hear about it for two reasons. The first is that he's far too isolated a person to care about the boy who will "transfer" out of his class today. The second reason is that this morning he's currently occupied with far more immediate concerns; like what to make for breakfast that won't get him yelled at by Asuka again and which of his roommates to guiltily jerk off to in the shower.

"Smells good, Shinji," said Captain Katsuragi, gulping down another beer.

Shinji looked away from the foam on her upper lip, unconsciously flexing his right hand as he did so. "T-thanks."

"You burned my eggs," grumbled Asuka, who believed that anything with a tougher consistency than wet glue constituted 'burned'. The bandage on her nose had since come off, revealing a vulgar discolored face and the ghosts of two black eyes. Her blue irises locked onto Shinji's browns.

He looked away. "I'm sorry."

"You should be!" she said, even as she dabbed her toast in egg yolk. "How hard is it to fry an egg?"

Rei Ayanami sat down to the kitchen table, apple and knife in hand.

Shinji glanced at her hands. "That's all you're having?"

"There is nothing else."

"Whaoh." Shinji grimaced, upset at himself for forgetting to cook a vegetarian dish for Rei, and then upset with himself for caring about Rei's feelings (as if she even has any, he thought). He didn't bother apologizing to the pale girl. What was the point? He knew she didn't care either way unless it had something to do with his father.

Shinji was so wrapped up in his own angst that it took Asuka pelting him with a balled up napkin to bring him back to reality. "Earth to Shinji! Make me a new egg! This one tastes funny."

"What? No!"

"Make me a new egg, Third Child! And do it right!"

Instinct propelled Shinji to comply, but the Third Child clamped down on that impulse. Instead he rooted inside his head for the little voice that had given him the means to stand up to his father. After all, if he could tell off his father, the invincible bastard monster who ran NERV, what was an irate redhead? "I-If you want something done right," he said, forcing himself to look the foreign girl in the eye, finding a queer solace in her half-healed injuries, "do it yourself."

Asuka snorted, then winced and touched a finger to her nose. "Whatever." She picked at her fried egg, cutting it up with a fork.

Shinji sat up a bit straighter, half-sick but proud of himself for facing down someone that wasn't Father or Rei without freezing up.

To his left Misato had watched the exchange silently, miming the action of sipping her beer while her wards battled.

To his right Rei Ayanami took her knife to her golden apple. Shinji ignored her, as was his general policy with all things Rei. Their two other roommates were more attentive.

Misato and soon Asuka watched as Rei Ayanami's knife danced around the golden apple, slicing off the skin of the fruit in a single ribbon. It wasn't that it was an especially interesting sight; it was just that their attention happened to drift to it for whatever reason. The captain and (especially) the redhead waited for Rei's hand to slip.

It didn't.

An unbroken peel fell to tabletop, forming a neat pile.

Misato clapped. "Good show, Rei!"

Rei, still holding the skinned apple and knife in hand, stared back at Misato. "I have peeled an apple. Why is that deserving of praise?"

"It's not," asserted Asuka, focused again on her own plate. "It's just a stupid party trick. Anyone could do it!"

Shinji stared at his own apple, sitting untouched next to his breakfast plate. "I think it's pretty neat," he said, keeping his focus on the piece of fruit. "I know I couldn't do it."

"Obviously, Third Child. You lack the basic skill and fine motor control necessary."

Basic skill, huh? He turned to the woman at the head of the table. "Do you think you could do it, Misato?"

The twenty-something, beer in hand, shrugged. "Dunno. Probably not. It looks hard."

Rei started slicing up her apple into tidy wedges.

"It's not that hard!" insisted Asuka. "If Robogirl can do it, I sure as heck can!"

Resisting the urge to smirk, Shinji slid his apple across the table. "Prove it."

The two teens looked at each other. It took Asuka a moment to catch on that the Third Child was staring her down. She broke out into a grin. "Heh. Okay, Shinji. I'll do it, but what say we spice things up a bit? Make a little wager."

Shinji's poker face faltered just a bit. Nevertheless he plowed on. "Okay?"

"Great!" said Asuka. "When I win you have to make this," she swept a hand over the spread of Western dishes, which Shinji had been making now-and-again as an unspoken apology for the incident in the shower room, "every morning for a week."

Misato, tensing, sipped her beer.

Rei munched on her apple wedges.

Shinji started, "And if you can't-"

"Of course I can!"

"If you can't," Shinji stressed, "you have to declare right here and now that Ayanami is better than you. Those exact words." Shinji shot out his right hand, smirking at the thought of what it'd been doing just a half hour before. "Deal?"

This caused Asuka to hesitate for a moment, but she too pushed aside any doubts and said, "Deal!"

They shook on it.

The hardest thing about saving humanity's undeserving collective ass, Gendo Ikari decided, was that you still had to deal with paperwork. There were a terrible number of dotted lines that needed to be signed before one could get on with the necessary assassinations, explosions, and mass murdering. Case in point: going over the minutiae of NERV's quarterly budget report with Fuyutsuki and a host of lesser minions. Department by department. Line by line. For five hours.

The fact he hadn't eaten breakfast due to a stomach ache didn't help matters. Sitting still for so long, being intellectually unengaged, only made him dwell on his own hunger. He was almost ready to eat his left shoe by the time Hour 3 rolled around. Almost. Gendo held to a strict "No Eating or Drinking In Front of the Plebes" rule. He liked to think it added to his mystique.

Still, NERV wouldn't run itself. So he forced his body's needs aside and concentrated on the urgent matter of Technical Division Seven's share of the Day Care Center funding.

"Blah blah blah," some nobody lieutenant blathered on and on.

By the time the meeting finished and the elevator doors closed on him and Fuyutsuki, Gendo was ready to fall over. Fuyutsuki, thankfully, knew exactly what to do in this scenario. He took out a small package of animal crackers from his jacket pocket and handed it over to his superior officer. "I want the elephants."

Gendo shook out several crackers for himself. "You can have your elephants," he said coolly, despite already nibbling on the trunk of one, "but the lions and tigers are mine."

Both men fell silent. A few moments passed where the only sounds in the elevator were the clicking of the car's floor indicator and the thoughtful munching of its occupants.

"Just so you know," said the Commander, handing off the empty snack bag to his inferior, "I'm expecting an assassination attempt tomorrow morning, so clear your schedule and try to act surprised when Section-2 rushes you to the panic room."

"Bastards. You think they could have done it today and saved us having to sit through that meeting."

"Also, I want you to have dinner with Shinji."

"What?"

"He should know more about Yui besides the half-truths the media will be feeding him once everything comes out."

Fuyutsuki crumpled up the bag and stuffed it back into his uniform jacket. He took a deep breath, held it, then exhaled. "You haven't started drinking again, have you?"

Gendo snorted. "Unlike our Operations Director, I know when and where not to indulge myself."

"Could have fooled me."

"You weren't always this snarky, Professor. I miss the old man who used to occasionally warm my seat and grumble about ethics and morality while still sending children to the slaughter."

The Vice-Commander, who was holding his hands behind his back as he was prone to, said, "You can't see it, Rokubungi, but I'm making a rude hand gesture towards you right now."

Ikari leaned backwards and glanced at the elderly man's backside. "My. You are."

The elevator doors opened. Wearing blank faces, the two men walked out into the hallway beyond. Flanked by a silent Section-2 detail, they said nothing until they were safely enclosed within the cavernous walls of the Commander's Office.

"Just so we have the story straight," Fuyutsuki said as they hiked across the room to the desk at the far end, "what do you want me to say to your son?"

"Tell Shinji whatever you feel is best."

"Does that freedom extend to discussing you?"

Gendo pulled out his desk chair and sat down. "I don't feel the Third Child will be at all curious as to my personal history."

Fuyutsuki took up position beside his superior. "So... any other news you want to spring on me?"

"I've had some time to think with Dr. Akagi out of my bed," he said, drumming his fingers on his desk, "and I've been thinking about all the things I'll miss when they line us up for the firing squad."

"I believe the UN prefers hanging for war criminals."

The Commander waved off Fuyutsuki's concern with semantics. "All this thinking has left me to conclude that, should my schedule allow it, I ought to indulge myself on occasion."

"Isn't that what Doctor Akagi was for?"

"Lunch, Professor," said Gendo. "Let's take the afternoon off for lunch, because if I have to read another itemized budget request people will die."

"So, sushi? Again?"

"No no no no. Someplace with better... atmosphere."

The atmosphere before the start of school used to be the least productive for Hikari Horaki. Between her duties as the representative of Classroom 2-A and the social time she indulged in with her friends, the morning was a rush. At least, it was before the start of the war. Now, with each attack, more and more of her classmates' families were packing up and moving out of Tokyo-3 to safer abodes, like hovels in the radioactive Death Zones of India and Pakistan. After the Blackout, which had occurred during her extended class trip to Okinawa, it had gotten to the point where the school had eliminated Classrooms 2-B and 2-C, rolling them into 2-A to make a full-sized class of students. Hikari didn't know anyone who still stayed whose family wasn't working for NERV, and of her friends only Asuka Soryu remained.

So now, in her much tidier and friendless mornings, Hikari used her free time to study.

In her chemistry notebook, Hikari Horaki slid a blank note card over a hand-drawn chart listing of electrons and ions for her upcoming exam. She did this for the sake of brute memorization. The sciences were not her favorite subject - she inwardly preferred literature, particularly of the pre-Impact authors - but she wouldn't let something as inconsequential as likes and dislikes prevent her from maintaining her spot in the class ranking's Top 2. Rei Ayanami always held onto the number one spot, despite spending her time cloud watching instead of listening to the teacher's lecture. Hikari long-ago accepted she couldn't beat her, but she would still be the best of the rest.

A shadow settled over the page. "Yo, Class Rep?"

Hikari Horaki didn't look up from her notebook. "What is it, Suzuhara?"

"About the other day, we Kensuke and I were spyi-"

"I don't care anymore," she said, scribbling (well, neatly writing) a page reference next to the previous day's notes. Her irritation rising at the world in general she added, "You can stop bringing it up."

"S-sorry." The tall boy walked away. Hikari sighed. What the heck was it with boys, she wondered, and why were they so thick?

"-SO could have done it!" exclaimed a voice from out in the hallway. Asuka Langley Soryu, she knew. That girl must have never learned the difference between Inside and Outside voices. "Anyways, it's just a stupid party trick." Asuka entered the classroom, flanked by Rei Ayanami and Shinji. Hikari watched the latter out of the corner of her eye. "I can't believe you keep bringing it up!"

"Uh, Asuka?" Shinji raised an eyebrow. "You're the one who can't let it go that Ayanami beat you."

As if God hadn't proven he hated the people of Tokyo-3 enough, he sent Touji Suzuhara careening into that private conversation with, "Ayanami beat Soryu? HA! Man, who doesn't beat her these days, am I right?" He elbowed Kensuke, wagging his eyebrows as he did so. "Eh? Eh?" Hikari groaned. Her classmates, who were now spectators to Round 2 of 'Touji VS Asuka', laughed - nervously, Hikari hoped.

"Touji Suzuhara," growled the Second Child, "you stay out of this. It was nothing important. Right, Rei?"

The First Child, who had quietly taken her seat as her fellow pilots bantered, looked unsure of herself for a fraction of a second. Then she said, "Pilot Soryu was merely trying to prove that she could skin an apple without breaking the peel. Unable to do so, she subsequently stated that I was better than here."

"O-o-o-ohooo!" crowed Touji. "So that's how it is, huh?"

"That was just one apple! One time!"

"You think you could do better? Better than Ayanami?"

"You betcha!" Asuka declared, "I could peel fifty apples."

The classroom fell silent for a moment, then Kensuke Aida whispered, "Nobody can peel fifty apples!"

Asuka froze up. Touji leaned forward, a predatory grin painted across his face. "You said you could peel anything."

"Have you ever peeled fifty apples?" The freckled boy looked around the classroom. "Has anyone?"

"Nobody could ever peel fifty apples," Asuka said to herself, a sly smile creeping across her face.

Shinji's throat was very dry. Nevertheless he spoke up. "Rei could."

All eyes darted over to the normally sedate Third Child, including a pair of red eyes. The latter were graced by a frown. Slowly, in ones and two, the class looked to Rei Ayanami for confirmation. The First Child, unused to so much attention and feeling acutely uncomfortable blurted, "Yes?"

The reaction was mostly positive.

"Wow!' "I wish I could peel fifty apples!" "Amazing!" "Who'd have thought!" "I bet she gets a lot of practice peeling small animals!" "Fifty apples!" "She could too!" "Schiest!"

As stated, the reaction was MOSTLY positive.

Asuka Langley Soryu stood up and pointed at her fellow female pilot. "No way can you peel fifty apples!"

"I bet she could!" spouted Shinji, feeling delirious from being so forward, but enjoying putting the screws to Asuka. Being mean to people is kinda fun, he realized.

Touji Suzahara craned a long arm over and wrapped it around Shinji's shoulder. Loudly, he announced, "My boy here says Ayanami can peel fifty apples, she can peel fifty apples." Touji smiled at his former business partner. Asuka's face grew red at the betrayal and insinuation of humiliation.

"Yeah," said Kensuke, "but in how long?"

"Faster than Rei could, if she even tried!" shouted Asuka without a second thought.

Someone in the back of the class called out, "I'll take that wager!"

"Me too!"

"Nuh-uh! My money's on Ayanami!"

The classroom broke in a flurry of wagers and taunts. Kensuke Aida whipped out a notebook and began taking down bets with gusto. Fistfuls of yen and IOUs were exchanged.

The three Children looked at one another, suddenly realizing what they'd just found themselves in the middle of. Asuka glared at a nervously smiling Shinji and hissed, "You are so dead."

"Hyuga, my friend," said Shigeru Aoba, "we live in interesting times."

"We certainly do, but why the hell do you want to spend the afternoon in a strip joint?"

Seventh Heaven was Tokyo-3's premiere stripper bar, which was a lot like saying Jack the Ripper was Victorian London's premiere patron of prostitutes. While it didn't have the refined grace of Room 747 or uptown's Lakefront Club, Seventh Heaven was accessible to the common man (e.g. anyone too cheap to pay for quality).

"Because," said Shigeru Aoba, "it's our day off, and the Tokyo-3 nightlife doesn't start until eight. Besides, don't concentrate on the watered-down drinks and surgical scars; think about the lady friend you're going to be taking home to your apartment tonight."

"Y'know, there aren't a lot of single women in strip clubs."

"True." Shigeru eyed a woman wrapping herself upside down on a pole. "But think of this as keeping your eyes on the prize. Motivation for tonight's mission to the bars, as it were."

"If you say so, Shigeru."

"I do say so, Hyuga."

A waitress in a negligee walked up to them, tray in hand. "Excuse me, but the gentlemen in the corner bought you these drinks."

"We're being picked up by a gay man?" Hyuga asked.

"Free martini!" exclaimed Shigeru Aoba. He grabbed the offered drink and knocked it back. The revulsion on his face was exquisite. "Ugh! Turpentine martini!" He took another sip. "This is almost undrinkable." He finished it off.

"Which gentlemen in what corn...er... OH... MY... GOD."

Shigeru dropped his empty glass. It shattered with a sharp tinkle at his feet. "Is that-?

Across the titty bar, a grim-faced Commander Ikari stared back at the two technicians. To his side, a voluptuous woman with breasts that would put Misato Katsuragi to shame gyrated her ass into Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki's lap. Commander Ikari made a distinct come hither gesture with two of his gloved fingers at Shigeru and Hyuga.

Hyuga slapped his own cheek in shock, but despite the sharp pain he wouldn't wake up from this strange nightmare. "Oh. Fuck. Me."

"Thanks," said Shigeru, "but you're not my type."

"Mmm," said Asuka, licking her ice cream cone, "this is my type of place."

The food stand was nothing special, just a modest dealer of greasy comfort situated on the ground level of the Geo-Front. Workers killed time there before or after their shifts, sitting on park benches, eating the simple fare the stand churned out. The food wasn't the greatest and the prices were just shy of outrageous, but at least here he could smoke and eat an ice cream cone at the same time - and that counted for a lot in Ryoji Kaji's book.

"So let me get this straight," he said, summarizing the situation for those of us who either hadn't been paying attention or else have been randomly skipping through this chapter (if so, go back to the start, you bastards). "You and the First Child are locked in an apple peeling competition scheduled the day after tomorrow to see who can peel fifty apples faster... and, to begin with, you can't even peel one apple."

"Yes," Asuka grunted through clenched teeth.

"And you're in this situation because you were tricked by Shinji?"

"...I wouldn't. Use. The word. Tricked."

Kaji smiled. "Er, right. Sorry." He took a short drag on the cigarette dangling from his lips. "So how are you going to get out of it?"

"I'm not."

"You can't even peel apples, Asuka. Are you that desperate to be humiliated in front of all your classmates by Rei Ayanami?"

"I can't back down now!" she huffed, munching on a rice ball. "It's a matter of pride!"

"Right," Kaji said, warily. He had expected as much. "So I assume you'll practice your peeling."

Asuka drew her arms in, making herself look smaller. "Just a little," she admitted in a quiet voice, "yes."

The predatory gleam in her eyes nagged at Kaji. "And... I suppose you'll need apples to practice on. And someone to buy those apples."

Asuka flashed a small, tight smile. She said sweetly, "They don't exactly pay me too much piloting Eva."

He sighed.

After school, as he went about his chores wiping down the school's chalkboards, Shinji Ikari found himself ambushed by his Class Rep.

"Shinji."

"Uh... hi, Hikari."

"I need to ask you something," she said, hugging her daily homework print-outs to her chest, "and I want you to tell me the truth. This morning, when Asuka cornered herself with that stupid macho bet, were you egging her on?"

"...er..."

Hikari zeroed in on his discomfort, "You... really set Asuka up like that?"

"Um... y-yeah. Kinda."

"Why?"

Shinji suspected Hikari wouldn't accept answers along the lines of 'because it would be hilarious' or 'because screwing over people you hate is a thrill', so he said, "Asuka was up in arms over peeling apples, and when she's like that it's better for her to burn herself out. Otherwise she's a b... unpleasant until she gets her way."

"I suppose you'd know her better than I would, since you spend so much time around her."

"That's true," he replied.

Hikari's left eye twitched. "Well," she stressed, "I hope you'll continue being such a good friend to Asuka, because that poor girl is going to be humiliated and heartbroken when Rei Ayanami beats her."

"Eh. Probably, yeah."

"You know, Shinji Ikari, you can be such a jerk sometimes!" And with that, Hikari stomped out of the classroom, leaving behind a very confused Third Child.

"Girls are strange," he said to himself.

"What do you mean, 'all the apples'?"

"I means what I says." The old, grizzled store owner jerked a thumb towards the bare shelves. "Some crazy gaijin girl and her sugar daddy came in her earlier and bought all the apples. Cleaned me out."

"WHY?"

The store owner shrugged his shoulders. "No idea."

peel peel peel peel peel peel peel slip

"Damn it."

peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel slip

"Damn it."

peel slip

"Oh, for Christ's sake!"

Shigeru Aoba paged through the chart on the karaoke machine's flatscreen display. "Beatles? Feh. Hendrix? That's an insult, reducing him to a sing-along. I'm stumped. What do you think, Hyuga?"

"..."

"Or maybe some Sinatra. Gotta respect the Rat Pack."

"Mm."

"Interesting move, lieutenant."

"Are you even listening, Hyuga?"

"Shush." The bespectacled man rubbed his upper lip in thought.

To Shigeru Aoba, it said a lot about the Vice-Commander that he would bring a portable chess set to a strip club. It said more that his friend Hyuga would rather play chess than get another free lap dance on NERV's dime.

"If you'll allow me, Lt. Aoba," Commander Ikari said, pushing off the big-titted blonde Russian grinding her ass into his lap. "I believe it is my turn at the karaoke machine."

"Uh... sure." He handed over the mike. Commander Ikari quickly picked a song out on the machine and stepped up onto the elevated stage.

The synthesized music kicked in and the Commander began to sing along to the lyrics appearing on the monitor.

.

Hast Du etwas Zeit fr mich

Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich

Von 99 Luftballons

Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont

Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich

Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich

Von 99 Luftballons

Und dass sowas von sowas kommt

.

When the guitar kicked in, the Commander began to sway side-to-side. Watching, Hyuga felt a small part of his soul wither away and die. "Fuyutsuki," the Command said, covering the microphone with a gloved hand, "you presence is required on stage for the chorus."

The Vice-Commander, beer in hand, staggered onto stage, picking up a second mike as he went. Together, the Commander began to sing:

.

99 Luftballons

Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont

Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem All

Darum schickte ein General

Eine Fliegerstaffel hinterher

Alarm zu geben, wenn es so war

Dabei war da am Horizont

Nur 99 Luftballons

.

Hyuga turned to him. "Well," he said, "I think I've been checked. If Commander Fuyutsuki's a bastard on the chessboard when he's drunk, I'd hate to see him when he's sober."

"God," Shigeru said, unable to tear his eyes away from the horror stage, where the Commanders were being dry-humped by three strippers while they belted out a German pop song about a nuclear holocaust, "right now, I wish to hell I wasn't sober."

Most people would say it was in bad taste - or at least unsanitary - to have sex in a mortuary. Kodama Horaki preferred not to be so puritanical in her pursuit of leisure.

"So I lie back and think about the Empire?" she asked, unzipping her skirt.

"Well," said the mortician's apprentice, a handsome young thing she'd picked up at her last glee club meeting, "yeah. Try not to make too much noise. It ruins the atmosphere."

"I'd imagine." She hopped up on the clean steel of the mortuary table. "Ooo! Cold! Say, do you want me to cross my arms?"

"Not unless you want to."

"Do you have a preference?" she asked, lying back, propping her head up on a small block.

"Um, no. I think?"

"It's all right, hon," she said. "Nothing to be nervous about."

"Thanks. Sorry." Even with her eyes closed, she could almost picture him blushing. "This is my, uh, first time doing this sort of thing with someone who's still a-"

di di di di!

"Shit." Kodama sat up. "Sorry. I forgot to turn off my ringer. Can you just give me a second?" Wordlessly, he handed the phone to her. "Hello? Sis?"

"Shinji Ikari is history's greatest monster!"

"Hi! How are you? I don't suppose this can wait?"

"He's a jerk! I thought he was nice but he's just like all the other boys! And after I went out on a limb and tried to ask him out!" Her sister paused. "But... maybe I'm the one who can change him!"

Kodama winced. "Hikari-"

"You think I'm being stupid, don't you?"

"No," she answered, as her partner began to don a pair of latex gloves and switch on a bright lamp over the steel table. "I think you're being a raging idiot, and on fast-forward too. Are you even listening to yourself? You sound like every clich in the book. Hold on." She glared at the boy. "Look, I'm willing to try anything once, but give me a sec, okay, hon?"

The mortician's apprentice sighed.

Kodama took her hand off her cell's receiver. "No man's worth surrendering your dignity. Trust me."

"But why would he be so cruel to Asuka? He's usually so nice!"

"Why did Mom name the three of us after bullet train service lines? Hikari, sometimes people do things 'just because'. You shouldn't read so deeply into everything this kid does."

"So you're saying I should give him another chance?"

"No! I'm-" Kodama sighed. "Can we talk about this tonight? I know you're hurting right now, but this deserves a bit more than I can give you over the phone."

"R-really? Well, that's great! I... oh! Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"No," she said, glancing around the morgue, "I'm just with my study group. It's no biggie."

"I'm so sorry! School is more important than my stupid, silly problems. I'll see you tonight, okay? Don't be late! I'm making your favorite!"

"Thanks, sis. I'll catch you later." Kodama snapped her cell shut, then popped its battery out the back of it. "Aaaand now that that's taken care of..."

"Like I was saying," her boytoy said, "this is the first time I've done this with someone's who's awake. Most of the girls who are into this kinda thing like being sedated first."

"Well, this time, let's try it my way, and next time... well, who knows where we'll end up?"

The armored sedan dropped them at an anonymous train station at the edge of Tokyo-3's southern residential district. Drunk and bereft of yen bills, Hyuga and Shigeru stumbled onto the sidewalk.

Rolling down his tinted driver's side window, the Commander fixed a glare at the two officers. "This never happened."

And with that, the armored sedan squealed off into the night.

"Dude," said Shigeru, shoulders slumping with a sigh, "Commander Ikari ruined naked women for me..."

"Well, hopefully we didn't make complete asses of ourselves in front of the Commanders."

"I've seen you ass, Ikari," Kozo Fuyutsuki slurred, poking his friend in the ribs. "Hell! I've seen a lot more than your ASS!"

Gendo shuddered as he flicked on the foyer lights in Fuyutsuki's apartment. "Don't remind me. I only agreed to that since it was Yui's birthday."

Very solemnly, Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki declared, "Threesomes really aren't so bad once you get started; they're just a liiiittle more awkward than what you see in pink films."

"Yes, there are usually more women too," Commander Ikari grunted, trying to keep his friend from tripping over as the both of them shuffled forward. When he saw that Fuyutsuki's apartment had two floors to it, and that the master bedroom was at the top of a staircase, he groaned. "Fuck it. I'm dumping you on the sofa, old man."

"Do do you think Yui liked it?"

I do NOT want to talk about this. "She certainly seemed happy at the time."

Fuyutsuki hiccupped. "I... I don't have much in life, Rokubungi, but I do have a bigger dick than you. I mean, we both saw, right? I just thought you should know."

"I think we can both agree you've always been the bigger dick."

"Exactly!"

"Easy does it." Gendo lowered his friend down onto the leather couch, then helped him settle in by taking his shoes off. "You have blankets someplace, right?"

Fuyutsuki had already closed his eyes. "No. 'm fi'."

Commander Ikari sighed.

"Zzzzzzzz..."

Misato Katsuragi stepped through the door. "I'm home!"

No one answered back.

Shrugging off her uniform jacket, NERV's Operation Director walked into the kitchen, opened her fridge, and grabbed a beer. Before the pop-hiss of the aluminum can opening had faded, the empty beer can was tossed aside. Misato then reached for another beer. Upon coming up for a breather, she caught onto the spectacle in her midst.

Asuka Langley Soryu was seated at the kitchen table with her sleeves rolled up to her shoulders. Spread out before her on the table, and spilling over onto the floor in dozens of bowls, were apples. Peeled apples. Unpeeled apples. Half-peeled apples. There were hundreds of them. It was like an apple orchard had come along and taken a big fat greasy dump on the table, leaving bits of red, green, and yellow apples everywhere. In Asuka's juice-stained left hand was a shiny red apple. In her right hand was a small pairing knife.

"Young lady," she shouted, "why are we up to our BALLS in apple peels?"

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Because I'm proving a point. Duh."

Misato found herself at a loss. "I what?"

peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel slip

"Shiest!" snapped Asuka, then blithely tossed the used apple into the bucket nearest her feet. She reached for a new apple.

peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel peel slip

"Young lady, you are not throwing out all that food. It's a waste."

"Wow, geez, Misato! Really? You think so? Well, maybe I would if there were any use for hundreds and hundreds of apples, I'd take up your suggestion." She waved off her guardian. "Now take your Second Impact Generation neuroses about the value of food and please leave. I'm busy."

"..."

.

THURSDAY

.

"Wow," said Hikari, "you brought enough food for the whole class!"

The apple pies, apple crisps, apple puddings, apple juices, apple sauces, dried apples, caramel-coated apples, and assorted baked goods derived from apples filled Classroom 2-A. There was, in fact, enough food not just for 2-A but also for the years above and below them.

Asuka rubbed her bloodshot eyes. "Yeah," she said, pausing to sip from her travel mug of double shot espresso. "I'm gaga over apples. You can use them for so very many things." She yawned.

"Yeah," Touji said, "but why the hell did you bring it here? What's your motivation?"

She couldn't say it was because Misato would only bring in ten pies for the NERV senior staff break room, so instead she said, "Because I'm... a generous person!"

"Really?" Touji retorted, wolfing down a thick slice of apple pie. "Because (chew) you're always (chewchew) such a pernicious bitch."

"Suzuhara!" bellowed the Class Rep. "Apologize to her right this instant!"

Asuka raised her brow in wonderment. "I'm not insulted. I'm just surprised he used the world 'pernicious' in a sentence. And that he used it in the right context."

The evening previous...

"Pernicious. P-E-R-N-I-C-I-O-U-S." Mari arranged the Scrabble pieces on the game board. "With a triple word score, that's ninety-two points."

"Mari, 'pernicious' is SO not a word. I'm calling you out."

"Fine!" Mari Suzahara said with a smug grin. "Go get the Dictionary and see! If you're wrong, you lose ten points."

"Ha. Right. I think I know a little something about English, sis. Prepare to be smacked down!"

"Don't judge me, Soryu. I have layers."

"Yeah. And they'll come off if you ever start using soap."

Ritsuko Akagi needed a bath.

Hell, she needed to strip naked and stand outside in the middle of a typhoon. Anything to rid herself of the stink of a... damn... what day was it? Thursday? Darwin's beard. She hadn't showered in four days, hadn't seen a real bed in six. All because of der Demon.

Oh, Ritsuko knew der Demon had a name, and that it wore a child's face to better pretend to be a normal human being, but Ritsuko was wise to der Demon's trickery. Behind that bipolar smile/snarl laid the heart of a beast, one that condemned honest scientists to countless hours of trying to make a steak out of the ground hamburger that Unit-00's head now resembled. Der Demon chained anyone with impulse control to Herculean tasks - like completely re-armoring Unit-01, and figuring out why the hell der Demon stayed awake when everyone else slept during the Eighth Angel's attack - and kept them in the pit of Central Dogma until they accomplished the impossible.

Ritsuko had seen the sun, once. In the long, long ago. In the Before Time.

There was a knock at her office door. "Well, I'm off to lunch!" said Misato, chipper and cheerful. "See you later, Ritsu. Hey... it's a little smoky in here. "

"Go to hell, Katsuragi," she replied from inside the grey haze, huddled over a mug of coffee, two cigarettes dangling from her lips. "And you can tell Little Miss Anger Management Issues that if she destroys another Evangelion I'll take it out of her hide!" She struck a match and lit a third coffin nail. "I'm serious, Misato! I'll pluck out an eye! Or break her arm! Or both! And don't think I won't! I've done worse to people I like!"

"All you need is a good night's rest and a good lay, Ritsu."

"I have a futon in my side office and a vibrator in my desk. I'm set for life."

"Right. And Kaji and I spent that week together playing Monopoly." Ritsuko snorted. Misato took that as a sign of victory. "So, are you free tomorrow night? Whoa! Whoa! Put down the computer monitor!"

Ritsuko eased back into her office chair. "I'm not in the mood for jokes, Misato. Unit-00's still not out of the danger zone and the Commander wants an analysis of the latest cross-synch tests on Unit-01 in" - she checked her wristwatch - "two hours and seventeen minutes."

"Ritsu, what do you know about peeling apples?" And from there, Misato explained the situation at hand.

"So what you're saying is," the blonde scientist said, squinting at the blazing stupidity Misato was demonstrating, "Asuka's going to publicly humiliate herself tomorrow night... and you're not going to do anything to stop it?"

"Well," Misato mused, rubbing a finger along her lower lip, "she did manage to peel two apples in a row last night, but that was only because we need to round out the last cobbler."

"Never let it be said you don't have maternal instincts, Misato."

"Asuka has her issues - "

"To put it mildly."

" - but if she can't handle something this asinine without having another mental breakdown, then she won't ever be trusted to jockey an Entry Plug again."

Ritsuko blinked.

Misato gave her a little wave, then ducked back into the hallway. "Later, Ritsu!" she called back. "The kickoff's at six o'clock tomorrow night. Don't be late!"

-TBC!-

Next Time: Apples are peeled, Rei and Asuka star in a lemon (yeah, that kind), and the Fourth Child is revealed!