Conversations with the Mirror

the first talk

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The truth is that you are not supposed to be in love with him. Not someone like him, just him. It would be a lot easier if it were someone like him. Then maybe, everything would be easier. But it’s your own fault, you conclude. You could’ve helped it; made sure you were distant enough. But in the end, you couldn’t; you couldn’t stay away, because he was your best friend, and he needed you—you were his confident, and he trusted you. But what kind of friend are you for falling in love with him?

Its clichéd, really, it is. He’s an heir—the pride of a family that’s so obsessed with blood and honour; the depth of it all so profoundly confusing for you. You don’t understand that kind of devotion. You love your family, and you protect them. But he isn’t just the son; he is the man whom a clan would soon depend on for their future. And no matter how much you strive and work for, what you achieve and make, you are in the end still just a nothing-special sort of girl. You’re not some fantastic princess with long, raven tresses flowing against her shoulders and eyes of a bright warm amber. You’re the girl with the silly brown hair and eyes; not too tall or short, not too pretty or ugly. You’re the something-in-between. A nothing-special sort of girl. Of course you don’t match up to him.

So, in the end, all you can be is his most loyal shadow.

Because, that’s what you are, aren’t you? The little black specter that lies beneath each of his footsteps, following him as surly as the moon’s light. Is that the friend in you, or something else? Because you shouldn’t be that close. You’re not supposed to be that close. Lee, maybe, but not him.

But he’s not forbidden territory. You’ve been teammates…friends…for how long now? Going on ten years, maybe? You don’t even remember, do you? As friends, you’re not supposed to like him that way. Why can’t you be like everyone else? An implausible crush on Sasuke would be more plausible.

He depends on you. Your words, your faith, your opinions…they count, they mean something to him, even if you don’t know why. He needs you now, more than ever, and you’re not supposed to be anything more than just that girl by his side.

I mean, what do you expect? Some wonderful romance and he’d sweep you off your feet? God, that’s tacky. And you don’t even like romance. You’re a hardcore girl. You should be more excited about weapons than fantasies of the girly variety. And he’s not exactly the romantic type anyways, and you know that if he were, you’d probably think he was sick or something.

Get over it!

It’s not a big deal; it isn’t a big deal. It’ll all go away eventually. Because, in the end, he’s just your friend. You are his confident. No matter what happens, you will always be loyal to him, fighting by his side. That’s what he needs. Needs you, just you. Nothing romantic, nothing sweet and fantastic. He needs you to be strong for him; he has to deal with things he doesn’t want. He needs you to assure him; so stop doubting, and stop question. Finish it. End of sentence. Don’t be such an idiot.

You’re not supposed to be in love with him. It’s wrong and unnatural.

And why does it have to be him?

Because he’s wonderful? Because he’s strong, and loyal, and brave, and you know he would go out of his way to save your life. In fact, he’s done it many times. But he’s not in love with you. You are his dependent. And you are not supposed to be in love him.

You’re…just not.

Okay. Shut up. You’re talking to yourself. Take a shower. Get dressed. You have training to do.

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AN: This was inspired by a series of rants I did for myself in the mirror, after having a panic attack concerning my midterms. If you talk to yourself, ever, I'm sure you'd be able to relate to Tenten's situation. There will be more conversations in the mirror; I think. How this is going to end, I'm not sure yet. Depressing? Happy? We'll see how it goes. On a side note, this was also the product of listening to three hours of No Doubt. I am such a child of the 90s.

Jia Zhang