Désolée pour les lecteurs mais probablement plutôt lectrices qui ne pigent rien à l'anglais... Je devrais traduire ça un de ces quatre...

Yay ! A second non translated story in english ! 8DDD (Yokan was first written in french...)

I'm pretty glad about it, even though then english is probably not perfect... (If you find mistakes, you'll tell me, won't you ?)

The story is happening in a near future... So, Kaya and Juka are presently around 25, in my head, so they are around 30 years old, in this... Hum... They're together let's say since Juka was still in Moi dix Mois and Kaya in Schwarz Stein...

Please review ! I'd like to know what you thought about it n.n !

Kiss me, kill me, love me

"I once had a brother" he said, sipping his tea.

"Once ?" asked the one sat in front of him

"Yes."

"What do you mean ?"

"Well... He's dead." he answered calmly, like if it never had touched him

"What happened, then ?"

"I killed him."

"Stop kidding me. You wouldn't kill anyone."

"Hum... But I really did."

"That would make you a murderer..." He sounded afraid.

"I guess that's how I should be labeled..."

"Why are you telling me this ? I thought... I thought that you had... something else to say to me..."

"Oh ! I'm not done yet... I have the whole story to tell you."

"I don't wanna hear this." He said firmly, getting up, ready to leave.

"You will. Sit down."

"Are you crazy ? I mean... I didn't came here to hear about the story of a brother you never had !"

"I really had a brother, Juka. Now, listen to me. Listen to me as you always did before. Please..." he said in a low voice, looking down. "I also have something very important to tell you... But I need to tell you the whole story before. Will you stay ? It's really important to me... It's concerning myself and I don't wanna leave before I had told you everything..."

"Leave ? Are you trying to say that you're leaving me ?!"

"No" he smiles "Sit down and listen to me, ok ?"

"Okay..." he answered with scepticism while sitting down.

"As I said, I had a brother. I was five years old when he born and..."

"Wait... Why haven't I never heard about that brother before ?" he interrupted, a bit too curious, maybe.

"My mother would have prefered this story to remain silent forever, actually... But I trust you and I needed to tell this to someone... Because, after, no one else would know the real story, and it's... disturbing myself.

"So, I was five when he borned. I was the only child in the house, before that and when he arrived there, since he was a baby, my parents didn't had much time anymore for me. I must admit that I was jealous, but I was a child, it was normal... So I began to hate him, and I hated him until I was eighteen. It's only at this moment, when he asked me why I was so cold with him that I realised that I had no real reasons to hate him. It's... It's a bit hard to explain... Before that, I just never wondered if there was a way that I could like my brother since I had hated him since he was born. I my head, it was simply normal that I hated him and there was no other way to be.

"But then, he asked me that and I really saw who I had in front of myself. He already almost physically looked like an adult, though he was still just a kid... And I saw his eyes... watery... I wasn't closed to feelings as he tought, and to see him almost crying in front of me, wondering why I'm so cold to him, touched my heart in a way not even you touched it. All I could answer to his question was that I didn't know" he told, before to take another sip in his small cup, his boyfriend doing the same. "Then, I hugged him and told him I was so, so sorry. From this time, I began to hang around with him, I learned to know him... I discovered how wonderful he was, I felt ashamed about what I did in the past..."

"I feel like your talking about an ex..." the other said, frowning.

"Let me continue, please..." He seemed embarassed.

"Okay... go on..."

"So I discovered why my parents were cherishing him, it seemed to me, more than they were with me. And I felt even more jealous... But the things were that even my jealousy wasn't changing my growing feelings toward him... Everyday passed with him was so sweet, he was like a balm on our past. But I was almost an adult, so it was obvious that my father and my mother would take more care of him than they would for me, as they always did because I was older, further more, he looked so fragile... I guess that they were even more protecting him because of that..."

"But... you too seem fragile to me..."

"Is it because of the dress ?"

"What ?"

"You didn't knew me, in that time... I wasn't as feminine as I am today, you know..."

"I guess you weren't, but..."

"Juka... wearing dresses and skirts is only a kind of hobby for me."

"I know, but..."

"But ?"

"I don't know... I can't find words to say it..."

"I'll continue, then... Days ended, they became weeks and months and as time passed I became more and more closer to my brother... At the point as we could call my feelings love..."

"You fell in love with your brother ?!"

"... Yes..." he sighed. "I never fell in love with anyone else before that, I knew that it was wrong, but I couldn't do anything... You can't stop a heart to love."

"Why did you kill him if you were in love with him, then ?"

"I'm not there, yet. One day... he was fourteen, I was nineteen... He..." he smiles shyly, laughing nervously. "He asked me to take a bath with him... As when we were kids... Except that now, he said, I wasn't hating him anymore... I don't know if he knew about my feelings, but from this moment, everything changed... Anyway, I remember I blushed, he told me that it was okay if I didn't want to, cause we weren't children anymore. But I finally accepted. I was so nervous as we entered the bathroom, I was controling myself so much so it wouldn't show... I think he guessed it, especially when he saw that I couldn't stop looking at him while he was taking off his clothes... He smiled at me and told me I should do the same as he let the water fill the bath. I nervously answered back to his smile and began to undress too, hoping that... I wasn't too excited down here... I guess it wasn't that bad, it would have been even more embarassing, you know... I shivered when he took my hand to bring me with him in the warm water. A few minutes passed, we were quiet... I think we didn't knew what to say to each other... Or there was nothing to say until then. He asked me, in a very shy way, if I would get angry if he was telling me that he loved me..." he said, taking a deap breath, looking away from his boyfriend. He didn't want him to see all those tears close to fall. He went on telling his story, having a few difficulties to talk normally. "My eyes were wide open. I didn't knew what to answer... Then I saw his gaze falling on the surface of the water... I felt worried... Had I done something wrong ? We were sat face to face, so I got closer to him, I lifted his face with one of my hands and I kissed him softly. When I stopped, I saw a tear on his cheek, I smiled at him and earased it. He smiled back, my heart was beating so fastly, I'm pretty sure he could hear it, even though he never told me about it... He then passed his arms around my neck and kissed me back..." He stopped, unable to say more because he had broken in tears.

"... It's okay..." the other said, getting up to go sit next to him to hug him, giving him a shoulder to cry on. "Maybe you should stop here for today..."

"No... I... I can't... I have to tell everything... I can't... I can't live anymore, being the only one to know the real story... I just can't..." he cried, gripping the other's shirt.

"Okay, okay... just calm down a bit then..."

"You're... you're probably wondering if... if we made it that night, ne ?"

"... Well, hum..."

"No, we didn't. From then, we took every second we could have together as if our story would end the day after. I don't mean we were always making love, absolutely not ! First, cause we did it only once... Second, because we couldn't... we had to hide, we knew that we were doing something wrong. People didn't have to know that we were together in that way... Third... he was so young and I knew he never did it and I was scared that... that it would break everything we just buildt..."

"But, when two people love each other..." he began.

"Oh I know this..." He seemed annoyed. "But... Actually, I did it for the first time with him too... But I'm not up to this yet...

"So we decided to stay hidden from the rest of the world... They wouldn't have understood us... I'm not even sure you do... But one day... I was with him, in his room... We told my mother that I was helping him with his homework... That was what I was suppose to do... And she entered... You probably guessed that we weren't only innocently doing his homework... We had layed down on his bed, kissing each other... I remember I even had a hand under his shirt... I think that if she never entered the room at this moment and did it a few minutes after, we would have been making love... She stared at us for a moment as we didn't know what to do... We got up, having nothing to say... She finally asked me what I was doing to my little brother... I was going to answer something, but he was faster than me and answered first... He said that I didn't do anything wrong, since he was okay with it. She looked at both of us, like if she was waiting us to say something else. My brother said then that no matter what she would say or think, no matter what she would do, nothing would stop him to love me. I looked at him, I felt a tear on my cheek. No one talked for a moment, again, then our mother told us that our father shouldn't ever know about that and she left the room.

"I guess she never told him anything... If she would have done this, my father would have sent me in the army or something like this and I would never have met you... I never expected her to have this reaction... Neither my brother did. When she left the room, I stayed there, in the middle of it, silently crying about what my brother just told her. He came close to me, he took my hand, told me not to cry and kissed me... I was happy...

"We became a bit more careless about what the other would think, from this moment... We began to hang out together, we were walking his hand in mine on the street, we were stopping on the balcony of the house, right before to open the door to enter, always after having looked if our father's car was in the drive way, to be sure he's at home... and a few moments after, we didn't even cared about that, he never had seen us before, why he would now ? We tought..."

"I guess he saw you together, one day..."

"You guess right... I never saw him that angry... Even after that... That time was the worse ever... He scolded us until late at night... And told me that early on the next morning, he would drive me away from the house and, then, let us went to bed. I know he waited a moment in the corridor, just to be sure we would stay in our rooms... I waited until he went to bed and even a bit more, to be sure he was sleeping... And I went in my brother's room in silence... I murmured his name as I entered the room, I could hear his crying... I layed next to him, telling him that I was sorry, that everything was my own fault, and only my fault... That it shouldn't have been this way... He asked me to hush... He turned himself face to me and we kissed... Even though it was dark, I could see his eyes... They were serious... He... he... told me that never he would love someone else, even if our father wanted him to marry a random girl he named, he would never love her, he told me he didn't even wanted to see her because she didn't worth it, she didn't deserve it. He told me that never he wanted to be separated to me by something else than death... I told him not to say those kinds of words... I felt my hand slip under his shirt... He asked me to stop, but I told him that it was our last chance... He said that he knew, but that he had something else to say... I didn't listened to him, I wasn't controling myself... And I removed his shirt... He repeated his demand and I told him to let me go on, that I knew what I was doing... "

"God ! You raped him ?!" He asked, maybe a bit too loud.

"Hell, no ! Well... I... I don't think I did..." he said with a tiny voice. "He first tryed to push me away... but he finally let me do... And the way we were hushing each other's screams by a kiss told me he wasn't exactly against this idea... I was about to fall asleep and he repeated what he said before we did it... and... He asked me to kill him... because... he said he wouldn't have been able to commit suicide... I said to him that I didn't want to... But he slapped my cheek which tears had did wet... He lowered his voice and told me to remember the past... to remember how I hated him... He told me things that I never wanted to hear from his mouth... and my hartred and my jealousy came back... And it was so intense... I mean... I couldn't control them, they were controling me... And I can't remember what happened then... I just remember that when I came back to me... There... there was blood... everywhere... My hands... they... they were covered... with his blood... He... he was there... in his... bloody bed... dead... My whole body was trembling... I... I walked to the bed... Stared at him... I sat n... next to him... I took him in my arms... and I started to cry and scream, calling his name... I knew... I knew that I was the one... the one who had done this... I can't describe how I felt... it was so bad... I wanted to die too... But... I prefered to punish myself for what I had done, commit suicide wasn't a punishment to me... So I stayed alive... and decided that living with this pain would be my punishment to have made that..."

"... But... no one thought you were the one who killed him ?"

"No... They all thought that he commited suicide... and that I was the one who found him... and that I was shocked... and... that would be the reason why I was repeating that I had killed him...

"And then... I met you... I tryed... I tryed so badly to be honestly happy with you... I really tryed, Juka... I promise... But everyday, I woke up, and see it's you beside me, and not him... and I feel like I'm betraying him... I tryed to build myself a new life with you, I tryed to forget him and what I did... I tryed... I tryed to sincerely love you as I loved him... but I can't... I can't forget him... It's too hard... I can't stand it anymore... My first love was too... unusual to forget it... Even if all this happened many years ago... Even if I spent way much more time trying to love you than the single year I spent loving him, even if we had to hide... I'm terribly sorry... I should have told you this so many years ago... I'm sorry... I'm just... unable to love you..."

"I understand..." he answered softly.

"... Really ?" He was surprised.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry... You're probably suffering badly, now..."

"I do... But I understand why you acted like this... You suffered too..."

"You must hate me now..."

"No. I think I love you even more..."

"You're so sweet... you'll find someone else... Someone better than me... Someone who's not surrounded by mountains of lies..."

"Don't say that..."

"You deserve someone better than me... Now that I told you my story and that I know that you're not mad at me... I may leave in peace..." He got up, did a few steps.

"Wait... Kaya..."

"Hum ?"

"Where will you go ?"

"This sounded so childish to me..." he said with a sad smile. "I'll go search for him..."

"... Good luck, then..."

OWARI