A/N: The Communists have agreed to a momentary cease-fire upon the completion of the mission in Germany. Good luck, soldier.

I’m guessing one or two more chapters. This started as crack, and it will end thus.

“Mmm,” Hidan licked his fingers, as Sakura looked on, disgusted. “Suna ninja always have the best tasting blood. Slightly meaty with a hint of tarragon and thyme.”

“Have I mentioned you’re disgusting?”

“Have I mentioned that I love you?”

“You suck balls.”

“How about you just suck mine?”

“I’m not going to respond to that. Because you only want to make me mad, and I refuse to give in.”

“All I can think about when I look at you is how squishy your boobs would feel on my chest.”

She punched him into the wall, and little pieces of plaster and sheet rock drifted down like ghetto confetti. It wasn’t right for him to act the way he did, and he deserved being punched like a bitch. She wasn’t mad, of course. Not at all. Really.

Once he’d finished his little ritual, totally ignoring all the irate ninja slowly converging on him and, more importantly, on her, he’d just made a massive freaking circle around his body with little line things, swiped his scythe at all of them, and began systematically stabbing his body in various places, laughing when they fell on the ground in pain.

Sakura, who’d had enough of his little sadist self, yanked the scythe out of his grasp—he screamed profanity at her, as usual—and shoved the pike through his heart. The ninja all dropped to the ground, dead, and Hidan proceeded to bitch and moan at her, following her path into the kitchen, through the pantry, and out the back door.

In an extreme hurry to get out and away, she didn’t stop to grab a handful or two of the bundles of money lying everywhere in the checker-floored room, although Hidan did, and stuffed them under his cloak as best as he could. There was a huge and unsightly broach in the way, after all.

“Sweet, now I can get those assholes off my butt! And then I’ll get a job and a house and we can get married and have a baby, bitch!”

“LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE,” she screamed back. What was the use?

They ran through the courtyard, and Sakura was a little disappointed that she hadn’t taken the time to walk through it. The rose gardens and murals were obviously well taken care of, and if she was given free reign to the place she might as well have enjoyed it a little more.

All the same, the sounds of shouting coming from the hotel far behind them worried her, and she began to rethink this whole running plan. Wasn’t it better to just stop and let them take her? Then she could explain that it was all a misunderstanding, and despite the fact that she had directly and shamelessly contributed to the deaths of many men simultaneously…she was still a good person. And you may escort me home, thank you.

She was determined to put this nonsense behind her, and had just started feeling better when the hotel exploded in a massive fireball, knocking both of them over from the shock waves, and nearly searing their skin from the heat. Hidan laughed and made jokes, but Sakura was still pissed off, though a little glad that their immediate problems were temporarily over.

The dawn was nearing, she was tired, Hidan was talking her ears off as she ambled east, and she didn’t even feel the arms that caught her when she finally passed out.

“Bwa! Ungh…wha? Whaaa?”

So her first conscious words weren’t very articulate.

She woke up propped upright in a chair, which was sitting in the middle of a teashop, which was God knows where, and across the table was Mr. You-Know-Who. And not the bald one with white skin, either. It was him again.

“Are you always this way in the morning? I could get used to it.”

Sakura’s head swung around heavily, trying to make some sense of her surroundings, but only gaining the astonished stares of many customers around their table. And why did he still have that scythe out? Didn’t he care that he looked weird?

Of course, she was talking about the person that had no qualms about waxing eloquent the things he planned to do to her body parts once she would bend the fuck over, bitch.

“…and we would fuck at least three times a day, because it’s healthy and burns calories…”

See, there he went again.

“Hidan. What happened?”

“Oh, after the building exploded there were some gas fumes or something and you keeled over and stuff.”

“But…we were already so far from the building.”

He shrugged.

“I guess you got them inside. Maybe there was a leak. I dunno, seriously.”

“Maybe I was just tired.”

“Mmm. Hey, slut, I’m not going to wait forever for those coffees!”

“Hidan! Don’t yell at them, they could do something to our food! Sorry! Sorry over there! He doesn’t mean it; he has, um, Tourette’s!”

“No I don’t! Bring it here or I’ll kill all of you!”

The restaurant suddenly had many empty tables, and the redheaded girl Hidan was so vulgarly addressing dropped a tray with two off-white mugs viciously on the plastic tabletop and sauntered away to the front counter, sitting and glaring at the silver-haired man, who glared back.

“She’d make a nice sacrifice. I wonder if…”

“NO.”

“Fuck your moral issues, woman. This is serious business. I need to sacrifice at every given opportunity, or I will be damned to hell forever, where I will be naked in a pot of sulfurous acid, eating raw snake meat.”

“That’s very detailed. Looks like you’ve been there before, which doesn’t surprise me. But you know, if you’re going to sacrifice people, you might as well try to benefit others. You know, sacrifice a serial killer or something.”

“But people like that are practically part of the religion, seriously.”

Sakura laid her head on the table and groped around for the cup blindly, downing the whole thing in one sputtering, choking gulp.

“I swear, Hidan. Sometimes I almost like you and then you ruin everything. It’s for my own good, I guess. I’m going to take care of this issue, and then I’m going to go home.”

Hidan looked up from his empty cup and burped.

“Huh? Did you say something, bitch?”

“That’s it. I’m going to jump off of this balcony.”

Sakura walked outside. The bells on the door tinkled merrily, and the absence of the usual “now, y’all come again” didn’t bother her one bit. Because she was going to go on the roof and stand on the edge, and look down at the whole nine feet to the very cushiony bushes below, and then call the whole thing off and come back down. And then her situation wouldn’t change whatsoever, because she had accomplished nothing but managing to look like a total idiot in front of the biggest one in history.

Just as predicted, it happened exactly that way.

“Well, that was a waste of time, bitch.”

“I don’t recall giving you permission to speak.”

“I left them a nice tip. Will you love me now?”

“I hate this heat. It’s deplorable.”

“Hey, it’s your picture.”

“I mean seriously, there has to be something wrong. It’s never this hot this late in the year.”

“Please find our darling daughter Sakura Haruno. She is currently in the company of an elderly man and is believed to be in grave danger. Please send our beloved angel back to us. Wanted dead or alive. Wow, they must be fucking desperate.”

“How lovely, you know how to read. Wait, what?”

Sakura ran over to where Hidan stood reading the piece of paper taped on the front of the store. There it was in glorious twenty-four-bit color: her picture, and a wanted notice. This time, her inner panic almost led her to ignore the hand creeping inside her shorts.

“Oh, shit. Is this those crazy people again? Get your hand off my ass.”

“Well, duh. Let’s get you home, then. I really ought to walk my date to the door.”

“Are you serious, or are you being a prick?”

“Both. I’m the shit like that.”

“Oh, how sweet of you. And I suppose I’ll be explaining everything back home by myself, then. Well, I’ll come up with something.”

“Mmhmm. And the next time you go out on a mission, I suppose I will “randomly” turn up again, shall I?”

Sakura sighed. Then she thought of something completely obvious.

“Hey, if you just give the guys that money you stole from the hotel, they’ll shut up, right?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do, seriously.”

“Hidan, that’s very unlike you. I’d expect you to hunt them down and kill them.”

“Well, no shit. I’m going to do that after I give them the money. I wouln’t want anything bad to happen to my future wife, after all. Because I don’t give Kakuzu’s rat ass if they try and hunt me down. I can take ‘em.”

“Oh, um, how…sweet of you.”

“I know, aren’t I great?”

“Sure.”

“We will have beautiful fucking children.”

“Well, hopefully they’ll wait until they’re old enough for that.”

“Nah, it’s best to start young so you can experience everyone. Then you can pick the best one and stick with that ho for life, or until they die. Then you go through the process again, see.”

“Should I even bother?”

“Go the fuck ahead.”

“You’re sick.”

“Well, let’s go. There’s no sense in dawdling around. As I remember, you need to take those motherfucking herbs back to that motherfucking town of yours.”

“Yes. Hidan, why do you add unnecessary swear words to every noun possible? It seems a little…unnecessary.”

“It adds flair and spice to my conversation.”

“As well as some upset stomachs.”

Sakura took off down the dusty, dead-tree-lined road, closely followed by the obnoxiously talkative man. She was headed to the next post office, bound and determined to see Hidan’s plan to the end. If this happened, then she could go home and live off this mission fund until she had no other choice but to take another one or be evicted from her apartment, like last time.

Tsunade was a little surprised at her apprentice’s sudden phobia for missions, but didn’t mention it, aside from attributing it to pregnancy, drugs, or a strange man stalking her every time she set foot from the walls. Of course, Sakura was quick to quell these suspicions and continued to frightfully accept missions, waiting for that inevitable

“Hey bitch, long time no see.”

to grace her senses. Why did this happen to her? Why not to Ino? Why not to TenTen? Why not Tsunade?

Hidan continued to blabber mindlessly beside her about sacrifices and goats and pizza and other nonsense, while Sakura kept her eyes tuned for a sign of some sort to identify a post office, preferably a civilian one. Then, of course, they needed some sort of secure box, as in not a piece of shitty cardboard. Something more heavy, more manly mob-looking, like…a wooden crate. Yeah, that would do.

“Hidan, we’re looking for a post office.”

“We are?”

“Yes. I’m going to make sure that you’re sending that thing right to them.”

“Well, you’re more of a dumbass than I thought. What makes you think the money will actually fucking get there? Post offices are bad news. I’ll just give it to them myself, and you can wait for me while I kill all of them.”

“What? Do you even know where they live?”

“Yeah.”

Hidan pointed at a metal sign bolted to a tree.

“Hidan, that says ‘ice on bridge during winter’.”

“The one below that one, you dumb bitch.”

“Right, I knew that. Ehime? How far is that?”

“Hell if I know.”

“I really don’t want to sleep out in the woods, Hidan.”

“We’ll get there when we get there, seriously. Calm the PMS down.”

Sakura stomped her feet and slowed her furious pace, letting him take the lead. If they were going to do this, the least she could do was give him the bulk of the traveling workload. She reached into her pocket and felt her bag of herbs morosely, thinking of Tsunade fuming back home.

This had better be quick. I’m really worried about everyone worrying about me.

“Holy shit! There’s cocaine in these money bags, too!”

I’m so going to die out here.

“You want some, bitch?”

It’s inevitable, so I should take it like a grown woman.

“Woooah, and joints. And a sparkly thong. I really grabbed the right fucking bags.”

Just separate yourself from the situation, Sakura. You can make it through your untimely death.

“Will you wear this when I fuck you?”

I will die a virgin, if it’s the last thing I do. Actually, technically it would be, if it really was the last thing I did. Ha ha…ha.

“There’s not a top for it, but you don’t need one, seriously. I really don’t care that much, I just want to fuck you. Repeatedly.”

Sakura was never so glad to see a city skyline in her entire life.

Except for maybe that one other time.

“We’re here! Helloooo, Dolly!”

There were three men waiting for them at the gate.