I don’t own any of these characters.

An Idiot’s Guide to the Dimension Hopping

----

“No, but seriously, Ero-sennin. Where do they come from?”

Jiraiya, renowned Toad Sage and one of the Three Legendary Ninjas, shook his head in exasperation. He attempted to explain it again. “I told you, the summons just come from where they come from. Don’t think about it too much, Naruto.”

“But where?”

“I don’t know! It’s another dimension, kid.” He wanted to yell. Actually, he wanted to cream the little brat, but he also didn’t want to risk pissing him off. Naruto was annoying in the way that only a twelve year old just starting puberty could be. After witnessing Naruto release three tails worth of power from the nine-tailed demon sealed inside him, he was wary about angering the kid too much. Shit, he’d been laid up for weeks healing from that incident.

“So, it is like, in Wave Country, or somewhere?”

“GAHHH!” Jiraiya wanted to pull his hair. “Where did the Kyuubi come from?”

Naruto scratched his head. “Umm… My stomach?”

Jiraiya couldn’t help himself. He slapped the blond upside the head. “No! Before he got sealed in you, idiot.”

“Oh.” Naruto paused, deep in thought. “I dunno… One second! I’ll check!”

Jiraiya watched as Naruto’s focus turned inwards, the light fading from his eyes slightly. It was creepy to know that he kid could talk to the demon sealed inside his stomach. It only took a second, however, and soon the blond kid was back, and as annoying as ever. “Huh… Weird. Fuzzy said he came from some place called the astral plane.” Naruto shrugged. “I’ve never heard of it before. You think it’s near Grass Country?”

A vein throbbed in Jiraiya’s head. He whipped out the summoning scroll. “Look.” He bit his thumb, drawing a small amount of blood. Mixing it with his chakra, he made the appropriate hand seals and summoned a small toad. The toad looked at Jiraiya and then Naruto, clearly confused as to why he was summoned. “What’s up, Jiraiya?”

“I’m trying to prove something to this blockhead over here.” He pointed at Naruto. “Where do you come from?”

The toad scratched its head. “Well, I come from another dimension, of course.”

Jiraiya flashed the toad a thumbs up. “See, Naruto, does this help you at all?”

The blond shook his head. “No. I still have no idea where this place is located. If I pulled out a map, could you point it out to me?” Naruto pulled out his backpack and started rummaging around inside, looking for a scroll that had a map.

The toad looked at Jiraiya. “Is he serious?”

Jiraiya hung his head. “I’m afraid so. This is what I’ve been trying to explain to him for the last two hours.”

“Two… hours?” The toad stammered.

Jiraiya let out a frustrated sigh. “Yeah.”

“Damn.” The toad hopped up to Naruto and kicked him in the shin. “Hey, brat!”

“What?”

“Do you know what dimensions are?”

Naruto scratched his head. “Uh… no?”

The toad turned to Jiraiya. “Good luck. Call me back when this idiot figures it out.” The toad vanished in a puff of smoke, but not before grumbling about instituting some sort of intelligence test before allowing future summoners to sign the scroll.

“Let’s play a game, Naruto.”

“Cool! If I win, will you buy me Ramen?”

He couldn’t restrain himself. Jiraiya lashed out, planting a meaty fist on the top of Naruto’s head. Hard.

“NO! Now shut up and listen.” He drowned out the grumbles from the blonde and tried to construct a scenario that even Naruto would understand. “Okay. First, how do you measure how big something is?”

“Damn it. That means math, doesn’t it?” The blond scratched his head. “I suck at math.”

Jiraiya wanted to grumble he sucked at everything but fighting, but held his tongue. “Yes, it involves math. So, if I wanted to measure how far it was from here to Konoha, how would I do it?”

“Just add up how many miles it is, I guess.”

“Right. And if I wanted to measure how high a tree was?”

“I’d jump to the top and drop a rope, then measure the rope.”

“Stupid, but effective, I guess.” Jiraiya shook his head. “Okay, what about time? How do you measure time?”

“I’d use a watch, duh.” Naruto stared at him like he was the stupid one. “Why?”

“Well, I’m just trying to explain to you what a dimension was. All those things – length, height, time… Those are dimensions, Naruto.”

“Oh.” His face scrunched up in confusion. “So, the toads, like come from a yardstick?”

Jiraiya rubbed his forehead. “No. But, they come from a place that doesn’t exist in our world. Does that make sense? They don’t live on our world, but they live on a world. It might be just like this one, or it might not.”

“You mean dimensions are like other places you can visit? COOOL!”

“No.” Jiraiya sighed. “I’m saying that they might exist as other worlds, or they might not. The only thing we know about them is that alternate dimensions are places where normal rules don’t exist, okay?” The toad sage pulled out a standard issue throwing knife. It was a plain kunai, nothing special. He held it by the ring on the end, letting it dangle from his fingers. “What would happen if I allowed this kunai to fall off my fingers?”

Naruto rubbed his cheek. “Is this a trick question?”

“No, idiot. Just answer me. What would happen?”

“Um… it would fall to the ground, right?”

Thank god, Jiraiya thought. “Yes. That’s normal, right?”

“Right!” The blond nodded enthusiastically.

“Good. Now, an easy way to describe what another dimension might be like is to change the rules. Because, in another dimension, the rules aren’t the same as they are here, because normal isn’t normal there, get it?”

“What do you mean?”

Jiraiya was satisfied to note something that slightly resembled a thought being processed in the kid’s mind. “What if there was an alternate dimension, just like ours. Everything was the same in that place. Fire Country was Fire Country, Tsunade was still the Hokage, you were you and I was me. With me so far?”

Naruto nodded. “Yeah. So, it’s like we were living in a place just like this, right?”

“Right. What if, however, in this alternate dimension, which in every way is just like ours, there was one small rule change. What if, when I dropped the kunai, it didn’t fall? What if, it actually floated away?”

Naruto shrugged. “I’d use a senbon, then.”

Jiraiya smacked him again. “What if all throwing weapons behaved the same?”

“I imagine you’d have to change the way you throw them, then. It’d be hard to hit something if you couldn’t count on it falling.”

Success. “Exactly. In this alternate reality, the rules are different. That’s why we call it an alternate dimension. Some dimensions are so different, that none of the rules that make up our world apply there. Nothing you or I know can live there. For example, where the Kyuubi comes from. If you tried to go there, you’d die.”

“That wouldn’t be fun. Besides, I’m not Hokage yet. I can’t go there, then.”

Jiraiya nodded wisely. “Yes, that’s probably a good idea.”

“So, how many dimensions are there?”

The older man shrugged. “Nobody knows. We know they exist, but you can’t actually travel between them. Most likely, there are an infinite number of them.”

“What’s an infinite number?”

“A big number. More than you can imagine.”

“I have a pretty good imagination. Try me!”

Jiraiya sighed. “More than the different flavors of Ramen, brat.”

That shut up the annoyance quickly. However, for the next couple of days or so, Jiraiya was pestered by Naruto asking in for crash course in dimensions.

He chuckled at the thought. The kid might be a force in combat, but he was a few cards shy of a deck. So Jiraiya made up some fake technique that required an ungodly amount of chakra, an impossibly complex set of hand seals, and written seals done in blood, figuring it would keep the kid out of his hair for a few days while he did some research at the local hot springs resort.

Jiraiya prayed for Konoha, knowing the hidden village would need the help of the deities if Naruto ever became Hokage.

Jiraiya forgot a couple of things, though. First, was that Naruto was just stupid enough to be blessed with dumb luck. More importantly, he was stupid enough to promise he wouldn’t quit until he figured it out, giving his dumb luck a chance to work. As history has demonstrated repeatedly, stupidity and determination are often responsible for human deaths on a massive scale.

So, when confronted with an impossible challenge, Naruto was determined enough not to let his stupidity keep him from achieving his goal. Second, he was the host to an experienced dimension hopper. The Kyuubi was determined enough to use his host’s stupidity for its gain, should the opportunity present itself.

For once Naruto’s goals and the Kyuubi’s goals were in alignment. The Kyuubi didn’t mind sharing its knowledge about dimensions or its chakra. Naruto had the impression the Kyuubi was mocking him every time he failed at his new justu. What did going places and moving mountains have to do with a new jutsu, anyway? Naruto didn’t know about great places or being off and away, but he kept trying. He could almost feel the nine-tailed fox’s excitement.

In retrospect, he should have been worried.

So when Naruto demonstrated the technique one evening and disappeared in a blinding flash of light, Jiraiya just stood for a while, shaking his head. Sure, Tsunade was going to kill him, but she’d have to find him first.

------

Naruto, I choose YOU!

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the sky was clear. In general, it was a good day to be alive.

Unless you were Naruto, of course. He sat up with a groan. He hadn’t hurt like this even when Sasuke had pushed that damn chidori through his chest. Where ever he was, it certainly didn’t look like Fire Country.

He’d celebrate his latest success, right after he finished passing out. When he came to again later, the sun had traveled a considerable way across the sky. There was a considerable weight on his chest, but he was too tired to lift his head. Instead, he took the path of least resistance and allowed gravity to pull his head to the side. Okay. Trees, grassy plain, blue sky. Looked like he was at the edge of a forest. He could deal with that.

Straining the muscles in his neck, he turned his head back to face upright. The weight on his chest shifted.

He found himself staring directly into the eyes of a rather large fox that was standing on his chest. Naruto’s eyes traveled down the length of its body.

He counted. One. Two. Three. Four… yeap. Nine-tails.

Shit.

He didn’t want to deal with this now. The sweet caress of unconsciousness called to him, and he happily surrendered.

------

The sun was up again before he woke. He hurt everywhere – his muscles protested in a fashion that he’d never experienced before. Struggling, he sat up, wincing as each muscle involved in the process gave a twinge and spasms.

“What happened?”

“It worked, but not like I had hoped,” a low, gravelly voice stated from nearby. Naruto turned slowly to avoid additional pain, only to come face to face with the same nine-tailed fox he had seen earlier.

“Kyuubi?” It was about the size of a Saint-Bernard, almost on eye level with Naruto. Its paws were easily the size of his hands, and its mouth was big enough to do real damage if it desired. It had a deep, blood-red coat of fur and deep red eyes. Each tail was tipped in a light sheen of white.

The fox grunted.

“What… I mean, how?” Naruto’s face drained. “I mean, Oh SHIT!” He scrambled to his feet, clawing at his belly as he frantically searched for the seal. It was still in place. He frowned.

“If this is still here,” he pointed at his stomach, “what are you doing out there?” He paused. “And why haven’t you killed me yet?”

The fox shook its head. “New dimension, new rules.”

“That doesn’t mean much to me, fox.”

“Yes, because you’re an idiot.”

Nartuto harrumphed.

The fox sat down on it’s haunches, looking Naruto in the eyes. “My best guess is that this dimension doesn’t allow for demons to be sealed inside of human containers. Thus, my form.” It twitched its tails. Naruto almost thought it looked annoyed. Its next statement confirmed that sentiment. “However, it seems that even with this form, that blasted seal is still active, as my spirit and a vast bulk of my powers are still sealed inside of you.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I can’t kill you… Yet. But I’m looking for a way around it.”

“Oh.”

Silence stretched as the two just looked at each other for a bit. Without warning, Naruto forced his aching body into motion, slamming a foot as hard as he could into the fox’s ribcage. The creature flew off into the forest, slamming against a tree, only to get lost in the shadows.

“Damn, that felt good!” Naruto was feeling better already. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while!”

Then the fox attacked back.

----------

A panting, heavily bleeding and burnt Naruto lay on his back, pressing a wad of cloth against the larger bite wound on his thigh. If he were a steak, he’d said the Kyuubi had toasted him to a nice rare – A suitable layer of char on the outside, but still bloody and pink on the inside. He was also nicely tenderized from the pounding he’d received, not to mention the various bite wounds.

Even if most of its powers were still sealed inside Naruto, the fox had proven that it could still command fire rather well.

The fox was curled up a few feet away, glaring balefully at the boy. “Well, that was productive,” it spat.

“Yeap!” Naruto tied off the bandage, looking for something else to use for some of the claw marks on his stomach. “And I’ll do it again as soon as I can stop this bleeding. I’ve wanted to kick your ass for a long time.”

“Insect.”

“Fucking fur-ball.” Naruto tore another strip of cloth off of his pants, using it to tie the bandage in place over his thigh. “Did you have to burn off all my clothes?”

“Orange is a stupid color.”

“Don’t make me come over there and beat you again.”

“Hmff.” The fox looked away.

“So, why am I healing so slowly?”

The fox shrugged. “Different dimensions, different rules, remember?”

“This sucks.”

“Yes, it does.” The fox licked its lips. “But your blood is rather tasty. Still, that frail human form puts me at risk as well. I’m still tied to your body. If you die, I die.”

“Maybe I should just bleed out here, then. I’d be doing the world a service if I died here.”

“I’ll fucking drag your carcass to a doctor myself if I have to, you brat. I have no intention of allowing you to kill me in whatever god forsaken place you’ve managed to land us.”

“You were the one that helped me figure out how to do this. You’re partially to blame as well.” Naruto struggled to his feet. “I guess we should go find some help. If I can’t heal like normal, I’m not gonna make it too long out in the wild. I’d prefer to have less of your saliva on me then I already do.”

The Kyuubi got to its feet as well, favoring a front paw greatly. “There are signs of some sort of human settlement to the south.”

“How do you know?”

“I found it while looking around while you were unconscious like the pathetic monkey you descended from.”

“Gee, thanks.” Naruto turned and limped slowly to the south. He frowned when the fox followed, limping as well. “I meant to ask. Why are you sticking around?”

“It seems I don’t have much of a choice. Since my spirit is still tied to your body, I’m limited in the range I can venture. When I get too far from your body my corporal form begins to weaken and disintegrate. It has been a long time since I was anything but a prisoner, and I’d rather not risk being totally forced inside that blasted seal again.”

“You must hate that, huh?”

The fox narrowed its eyes and twitched one of its tails, setting the remnants of Naruto’s shirt on fire. “What do you think, pissant?” The Kyuubi blithely ignored Naruto’s screams as it walked away.

------

The pair managed to make it to town a few hours later. There were only two more blow ups between them. Naruto managed to bruise one of the foxes eyes shut with a luck right cross, but he got a bite on the ass for his trouble that made walking even more painful than it already was.

That, of course, pissed off the blond to no end, so he ended up kicking the nine-tailed fox to as punishment, which of course invited retaliation. Since Naruto’s shirt had long since been burnt away and his pants were mostly being used to stop bleeding, the Kyuubi set fire to his eyebrows.

For shits and giggles, mostly, but also because it was pissed.

So the pair hobbled along, coming into town, battered, bloody, and in generally foul moods. They snipped at each other, but Naruto was physically in too bad a shape to do more than run his mouth. Upon reaching town, the first question they received threw them both for a loop. A goofy looking kid with coke-bottle glasses, a backpack, and a worse fashion sense than Naruto approached them and asked, “Wow! Is that a nine-tails? I’d never thought I’d see one of those!”

Kyuubi was about to set the little brat on fire when Naruto collapsed. Shit. The fox could feel himself getting weaker as Naruto’s body began to shut down. It growled, “Doctor. Now!” before succumbing to the inviting blackness.

------

I've discovered I can't write a crack fic for the life of me. I have no idea what I'm doing, and no idea on how to make it funny. Feed back would be appreciated. Basically, I'm just going to write what ever the hell comes to mind for this particular work. I can't make any promises that I'll finish it, or even continue it. I've got a few ideas I'd like to play around with in the Pokemon universe, and a couple of others, as well. Creativity has really suffered recently, and so I'm just trying random ideas to make writing fun again.

So, the question becomes - what dimensions should Naruto venture too? This fic was inspired by Dr. Seuss' poem below. Don't ask me why.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!