I don't own these characters.

"I don't feel so good...." Naruto fell to his rump and put his head between his knees, hoping that the world would stop spinning shortly. It didn't. His stomach lost the battle, and he fell to his left side and emptied his last meal onto the hard ground. With a groan, he rolled onto his back and stared up at the spinning sky.

"Where the hell am I now?" Naruto's latest modification left him severely disorientated and nauseous. This was not good. He'd solved the bladder problem, but he was so dizzy he couldn't see straight. Luckily, this change wasn't permanent. Naruto had come upon the brilliant idea of doing future modifications in fresh blood (his), so that if the modification wasn't what he wanted, he could just wipe it off and try again. This one was definitely in the try again category.

After a while, the world stopped spinning and he was able to get his stomach back under control. He took in his surroundings. It looked like a small park in a city, surrounded by three and four story stone and brick buildings. Metal stair cases hung off the sides of the buildings; people were hanging out of windows, smoking, yelling down at the street, or simply playing music as loud as they could. Cars whizzed by at the edge of the park, and loud beeps and honks filled the air. It positively hummed with was nothing like he'd seen before - as far as his eye could see it was nothing but buildings after row of buildings. Excited and feeling hungry, Naruto decided it was time to go exploring.

First thing he needed was some food. The park was fairly large, but there wasn't much game besides the occasional squirrel. It took a bit of time, but in one of the quieter corners of the park he he found a large, yellow bird sitting in a nest on the ground behind one of the brown stone buildings. Smiling at his good fortune, he pulled out a kunai and took careful aim. His aim was true; the bird never saw it coming, and the weapon took it in the eye. It slumped over, instantly dead.

Whistling, Naruto walked over to the nest and grabbed his meal by the neck and pulled. Damn, this thing was bigger than it looked. Thing had to be at least eight feet tall. The weight didn't bother him, but this much meat would make a huge mess. Pulling the carcass a little further into the park, he found a small shaded grove away from prying eyes and started to butcher. It took him a while, since this thing had an anatomy unlike any other bird he'd ever seen, but eventually he had a good selection of cuts and a couple of drum sticks ready for roasting.

A quick kage bunshin made enough bodies to gather dead wood from the park, and within a few minutes a nice fire was going. Once the coals were red and glowing and the fire nicely banked, he started cooking. Maybe it was the smell, but within minutes of putting the first slab of meat on the fire, a rather unkempt looking... man - at least, that's what Naruto thought he was - wandered into the clearing. He was blue, had no nose, and looked like he had yarn for hair. He was dressed in rags and smelled like unwashed bodies and urine.

He immediately approached Naruto and stuck out his hand.

"Help the homeless?"

Naruto was puzzled. "What help do you need?"

"Give me a quarter? Right here in my hat! Helping others brings you closer to God."

Naruto had no idea what that was. A quarter of what? "Sorry. I don't have a quarter."

"What about a dollar, then?"

Naruto shook his head.

"How about some of what every you're cooking, then? I'm hungry."

What the hell. He had more than he could eat, anyway.

=-=-=

Somehow, Naruto's new friend, Nikki, ended up inviting all the bums in the neighborhood. That turned out to be quite a lot of people. What started as a simple BBQ turned into a full-fledged block party that was going strong until the local law enforcement showed up. He was wearing a blue uniform with a shiny shield pinned to his chest, a rather large gut, and some sort of weapons belt strapped under his considerable girth.

"Who's the organizer of this shindig?"

Nikki pointed at Naruto.

The cop approached. "You got a permit for this party?"

Naruto shook his head. "What does this permit look like, Officer..." Naruto looked at his name plate quickly, "Krupke?"

"Why you little... You want me to run you in?"

Naruto shook his head fervently. "Indeed not, sir!" He offered the officer a freshly cooked drum stick. "Something to eat?"

The officer took the drumstick and sniffed it. He took a bite. "Hey... that's pretty good. But I don't want you's hanging around here, got it? Clean up and get out a here. When I come back, I don't want you around, got it?"

Naruto nodded. "Got it!"

The officer turned to go - "Hey, anyone seen a Big Bird around here? 'Bout eight feet tall, bright yellow? He was reported missing a couple of hours ago."

Naruto shook his head. "No sir. Haven't seen a thing that matches that description."

Officer Krupke snorted. "All right. Now go on - beat it."

=-=-=-

Life in the city was pretty incredible. Naruto walked down the center of the broad way, cars - or at least, that's what Nikki called them - whizzing by and honking. There were some pigeons squashed on the street, men who looked like women and men who looked like women. Nikki was walking with him, taking him to the sights. He'd managed to clean up with a cold bath in the reservoir in the park and Naruto loaned him a set of clean clothes. Nikki explained that he was a monster, and there were all kinds of monsters in this city.

Monsters, cross dressers, whatever. All in all, New Amsterdam was a riot. Narurto managed to forge some bills after watching a transaction from a street food vendor. Flush with cash, it was time to have fun.

"Come on, Naruto! I know where we can score some great smack. My supplier's a grouch, so don't piss him off. His enforcers are tough customers, but he's got the best shit in the city."

Naruto had no idea what smack was, but he was pretty keen to find out. So far, the places he had been were fantastic. The titty bar had been a full service establishment, and the night club had been jumping. He followed Nikki down a dark alley, pleasantly buzzed and energized. Nikki stopped at a iron bound door. Above the door Naruto could just make out the numbers 123, but the name had been scratched out. He could make out an s, but that was about all.

Nikki banged on the door. A small peep hole opened up. "What do you want?"

Nikki stood up on his toes. "I'm here to see Oscar."

"Scram, junkie. Oscar ain't here."

"I've got money!" Nikki hurriedly waved Naruto over and whispered urgently for him to flash some of those bills they used for money around here. Naruto pulled out a wad off paper with the biggest denomination he could find on it. He could hear the doorman grunt as he saw it. The peephole slammed shut and Naruto heard some voices behind the door. The cover was pulled back again and the two were given a careful examination.

"All right. Come in." The door opened wide. Naruto followed his new pal in to a dimly lit room with black wooden seats and a card table pushed to one side. There was one person in the room and a pair of monsters. The doorman had no neck, and sort of reminded him a bit of Kisame back from his own world. Naruto recognized muscle, and this guy fit the bill. The other monster was more like Nikki; he was blue and had fur all over his body, huge eyeballs that protruded from his face, and no nose. He was busy noisily gobbling up a bunch of white powder from the table, making "nom nom nom" sounds the whole time.

The third monster was the strangest. His body was furry, like the blue dude, and he had heavily lidded eyeballs that flitted around the room rapidly. Strangest of all, he was sitting inside a trash can, the lid perched on his head like the Hokage's hat.

Nikki cried "Oscar!" and moved to embrace the trash can... thing in a hug, like a long lost brother. It grimaced and pushed him away. "Bob, what the hell did you let that piece of trash in here for?"

Bob grunted and pointed at Naruto. "He's got cash."

Oscar's eyebrows furrowed a bit. "Yeah? Let's see it."

Naruto pulled out the same pile of cash. Oscar's eyebrows rose noticeably. "Alright, so you've got cash. What do you want?"

Naruto shrugged and looked at Nikki. "I don't know. What do we want, Nikki?" Nikki quickly explained. Oscar reached inside his trash can and pulled out several bricks and put them on the table. It hadn't been what Naruto was expecting. Given how excited Nikki was getting, this was probably okay, but Naruto had no clue what wax paper wrapped bricks were good for. Naruto paid, counting out a good portion of the money in his hand.

That's when things went sour. Naruto had been around enough fights to instantly recognize when people turned hostile. Oscar, Bob, and the third occupant of the room had been staring greedily at the money in Naruto's hand as he counted. Oscar pointed at the rest of the money in Naruto's hand. "I want that, too. Service charge - first time customer, you know."

Naruto put the money back in his pocket and casually adjusted some kunai he had tucked up his sleeves. "No way. You got your deal." Nikki protectively clutched the bricks to his chest, looking fearfully around the room.

Oscar grinned maliciously as Bob slid around the room to stand in front of the exit. Oscar said, "Cookie, help this man part with my cash."

The blue thing stood up. It was pretty tall, easily a foot taller than Naruto, his arms almost long enough to reach across the room. Now that Naruto got a good look at his eyes, he could see they were bloodshot, like a ninja on too many stimulants. Some of the white powder he'd been munching on formed a ring around the monster's lips. This wasn't good.

It sang, "C is for cash, so give that shit up to me!"

Naruto let the handle of one of his throwing knives drop into his hand. “Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Now give me the fucking cash, punk, or Cookie Monster will break your face."

Naruto shrugged. If this is how they wanted it. "Well, K is for kunai, and it gets the job done.”

The monster paused. “What’s a ku..nai?”

Naruto moved. Instantly his hand shot forward.

THOCK!

Bob and Oscar stared in shock as Cookie collapsed in a boneless heap on the ground. A faint gurgling sound could be heard as the cerebral fluid leaked from the eye socket of the now dead monster. The kunai was buried up to the ring, the very tip of it protruding out the back of the monster's skull.

Naruto straightened up. "Now, let's renegotiate the terms of this deal, shall we?"

=-=-=-

Unnoticed, a small worm slunk out the back of the room. It had a very important phone call to make.

=-=-=-=

Naruto ignored Nikki as he cleaned up the mess. He was curled up in the corner of the room, mumbling "ohshitohshitohshit" while hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. Naruto shrugged and got back to work. Naruto calmly wiped his weapons off on Bob's shirt. Bob didn't mind, of course, because Bob was dead.

With a quick cutting motion, he cut the ligament holding Bob's hip joint in socket and wrenched the leg free, tossing it in the trash can. It always paid to clean up after yourself. The sound of the heavy limb landing in the trash can snapped Nikki out of his stupor.

"HOLY SHIT, MAN!" Nikki screamed, foaming at the mouth. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Shhh..." Naruto held his bloody kunai in front of his lips to emphasize the need for discretion. "Do you want to bring anyone in here to see this?" He made another cut, then tossed the other leg in the trash can. "I'm cleaning up, that's what I'm doing." The head had already been stuffed in Oscar's trashcan, along with the body parts from Cookie.

"You just fucking killed the Grouch! We're fucking dead, man. Fuck!" Nikki was hysterical. "Why the fuck did you have to kill them, man? The money's fake anyway!"

The question made Naruto pause, half way between cracking open Bob's rib cage in order to fit it on top of the mound of parts. Nikki's eyes rolled back into his head when he heard the sternum crack and he passed out. Why had he killed them, anyway?

Hmm... Anyway, that was a question for a later date.

A quick kanton jutsu reduced the whole mess to a few cinders. Naruto threw the passed out Nikki on his back and walked calmly out the door, the bricks of hash shoved in a duffel bag he found in the back of the room.

=-=-=-

"Elmo, I vant you to find dis man and I vant both his focking balls cut ovf. Vone, two. Vone, two balls, and all ten ov his focking fingers. Vone, two, three, vour, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Cutting them the fock ovf. Then kill him." The Count hung up and threw the cell phone against the wall, shattering it. Who ever this blond headed punk was, he picked the wrong monster to fuck with. He had his dope and his money, and he was going to die.

The thought cheered him immensely. "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."

=-=-=-=-=-

"Gary, open up!" Nikki banged on the door. "I know you're in there, Gary!"

Naruto kept his back to the door, watching the street as Nikki tried to get his former landlord to open the door. Given how jumpy Nikki was, it didn't hurt to be careful. A flash of red crossed his eyes and he reacted on instinct, dropping to the ground. The banister behind the space his head just occupied exploded with a bang.

Nikki screeched. Naruto's eyes immediately tracked upwards in time to make out a red blur lopping away across the roof tops. Pushing some chakra into his legs, he took off after the running figure, springing to the roof and gaining rapidly. He could see that it was another monster, red and lanky with short fur. It didn't take Naruto long to catch up, as the assassin didn't know how to use chakra at all. Naruto threw a shuriken and it took the red monster in the back of the knee, dropping him to the ground with a scream.

Naruto kicked the rifle out of the assassin's hands and flipped him over. The sniper held his hands up in front of his face.

"Don't hurt Elmo!"

Naruto ignored him. He put his weight on Elmo's injured leg, driving the shuriken deeper into the joint. Elmo screamed.

"Please!" Elmo begged.

"Who sent you?"

"Count von Count," said Elmo.

How had he found out so quickly? It didn't matter. "Where can I find this Count?"

"You can't find him." Elmo was sobbing now. "He finds you."

"Wrong answer." Naruto pulled out a kunai and placed the tip just under Elmo's left eye. "Tell me where I can find him, or you lose an eye."

"I don't know!"

Naruto pushed. It took a while for Elmo to stop gibbering as his eye was ruined, but Naruto could wait. "I'll ask again. You've only got one more eye. Where is the Count?"

Elmo finally told him after begging for mercy. Naruto gave it to him - he tossed Elmo head first off the building to the pavement five stories below. Naruto picked up the sniper rifle his assailant had dropped and gave it an experimental heft.

Hmm... this could work.

=-=-=-

Count von Count relaxed in a chaise lounge, eyes closed as he was being service by three of his favorite girls. One, two, three tricks. He almost laughed, but wanted to concentrate on the sensations.

Then his phone rang. Someone better have some good news about the recent hit, or there would be pain. Shooing the hoes away and wrapping his cloak around his waist, he picked up the phone. "Da Count." He listened. "Who is dis? Vat do you mean, Elmo is dead? Look out the vindow? Vat do you mean, look out the vindow?"

The Count looked out the window in time to see a blond haired kid waving at him from the top of a tree. Then there was a flash of red across his eyes, and the Count knew no more. His carcass fell to the floor as bits of his brains slowly dripped down the wall behind him.

=-=-=-

"Never fuck with a ninja." Satisfied, Naruto watched as some of the counts minions finally realized there boss was dead. He hung up the cell phone and tossed it and the rifle to the ground, then jumped out of the tree.

That had been too easy. Time to go track down Nikki again, and find out what this smack that he had been so eager to find was all about. Plus, he wanted a bit of tail while he was in the city. Whistling, Naruto put his hands in his pockets and sauntered off. This looked like a fun stay before he jumped again. He had a feeling that Lucy could help him feel special for a couple of hours. That's just what he needed to take the edge off.

=-=-=-=-

End chapter

Just a little bit of fun. I have no idea where this came from, but someone suggested Sesame street, and this is the first thing that popped into my head. Author’s question to readers – why did Naruto off Oscar and the rest so easily? Thoughts? Comments, questions, and criticism welcome as always.

I’ll be concentrating more on Misunderstanding and Strength of a Horse at this point, but more chapters will be coming eventually.