Nine Interviews that didn’t quite turn out as planned.

Snap Interviews

Interviewer: Hello ladies, gentlemen and resident elemental spirits. The author didn’t bother to give me a name and I will be your interviewer for this evening. Today I will be asking the characters of the Golden Sun games the questions that may or may not matter. Our first lucky interviewee is Garet, grandson of Vale’s mayor and second fiddle to hero Isaac. Say hello to the audience Garet!

Garet: Yeah, hi, do you have tacos around here?

Interviewer: (ignores Garet’s question) Now we all know that while you played an important role in the quest to break the Seal on Alchemy and are a powerful Fire Adept you are often portrayed as being insensitive, food obsessed and on the whole rather stupid. How do you think this may have come about?

Garet: I really have no idea. I’ll just say something completely normal and then Mia blows up at me and starts going on about manners and why-do-you-never-think-before-you-open-your-mouth and stuff. Seriously though, about those tacos-

Interviewer: (interrupts) So, moving on. You travelled a great deal during the question. What is the place in the world you like the most?

Garet: Vale still. The rest of the world is cool and all that but you know what they say; there’s no place like home. And ‘cause I know everyone there they all say hello and invite me to lunch and stuff, though mostly I don’t go unless I know they do good deserts. But right now I’m trying to find these things called tacos that-

Random member of audience: Like these? (chucks Garet a packet of tacos)

Garet: Yeah, they’re the things. (rips packet open, removes taco and proceeds to carefully examine it before placing it in his mouth) Not bad… know where I can get dips for these?

Interviewer: The corner store should have some, but if we could please get back the questions…

Garet: (gets up and wanders out of the studio)

Interviewer: And now we have Felix, hero of the second game and tragically misunderstood antagonist of the first. Are you sitting comfortably?

Felix: (nods)

Interviewer: Wonderful. And my first question is… what’s your favorite colour?

Felix: (blinks, then holds out his scarf)

Interviewer: …would that be green or blue?

Felix: (points the ceiling)

Interviewer: (looks up and then back at Felix) But the roof is beige.

Felix: (jabs more insistently)

Interviewer: You mean the sky?

Felix: (nods)

Interviewer: Blue then. (checks queue card and sighs) And our next question is; what’s your earliest childhood memory?

Felix: (face palms)

Interviewer: No, I was never any good at charades either…

Interviewer: Well, this is a pleasant surprise. Karst, sit down and tell us your life story!

Karst: (looks around) Is Isaac here?

Interviewer: Unfortunately not, we did try and get him but-

Karst: (walks off muttering death threats under her breath)

Interviewer: Right now we have some random villager from Garoh who we chloroformed and dragged off the street and into the studio. Now obviously I can’t keep on called you ‘some random villager’ all evening so first off, could you please tell us your name.

Werewolf: Aroo?

Interviewer: Please to meet you Mr Aroo. Care to enlighten us as what it’s really like living in a settlement of shapes shifters? You know; the truth behind the myth.

Werewolf: Aroo. Arr ar ara oo ar orraw awa…(continues to yap happily)

Interviews: (calls off stage) Somebody get us a Wind Adept in here to translate!

Interviewer: Ivan, good to see you! Sit down and we’ll get started.

Ivan: (sits) Right so… what were you going ask?

Interviewer: (winks conspiratorially) So… you’re a mind reader. Don’t we all we wish we were at times. Now I’m sure I’ve not been alone in wondering, what is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever discovered while perusing another person’s thoughts?

Ivan: (goes pale and begins to shudder) Don’t… ask. It was horrible. I have tried to forget but it haunts me. No! It is too monstrous to consider! It’s all coming back! No! Nooo! My mind, my delicate mind! (runs off screaming)

Interviewer: Piers tell us, how old are you?

Piers: (walks off)

Hamma: I am delighted to be able to share my wisdom with the world.

Interviewer: And now we have Hamma, founder of the Lama Temple, Master Jupiter Adept and elder sister to Ivan. Glad you could come.

Hamma: Orange. Regrettably it’s not something I can really get away with wearing though.

Interviewer: Our first question yet again is; what’s your favorite colour?

Hamma: I have always possessed the sight – or at least for as long as I remember – so I knew that Ivan and I would meet again and that we would both be needed to ensure that the Seal was broken. Really there was very little choice in the matter. And of course all of that has come to pass we shall have plenty of time to get to know each other properly.

Interviewer: How do you feel… about…

Hamma: Please finish the question.

Interviewer: But you’ve already answered it.

Hamma: But you have to ask the question for me to foresee you asking the question so I can answer it. If you don’t ask it now after I’ve answered because I foresaw you asking it the timelines tend to become rather twisted…

Interviewer: …how about we just have the conversation in order then?

Hamma: I am afraid that is something I simply cannot do.

Interviewer: (groans)

Interviewer: And now I am pleased to welcome the world’s foremost Sage, the one and only Kraden!

Kraden: You flatter me.

Interviewer: Not at all! So, let’s get down to business. What do you personally believe is the most important thing for anyone beginning to study Alchemy to remember?

Kraden: Ah! I’m glad you asked me that. You see the mistake most people make is thinking that Alchemy, like psynergy, is a pure expression of the psycho-kinetic energy that is produced by some people, or more accurately some beings because of course not all of them are necessarily human – there are of course the elemental djinn, some of the physically transmuted fauna, those strange arboreal beings Isaac says he’s met and possibly incorporeal presences sometimes associated with locations of great innate power – through meditation and concentration, and that it simply operates over scales that are far more massive. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Alchemy does affect the physical world in a manner extremely similar to psynergy, though it appears to be far more subtle when viewed from the time frames we are used to dealing in, but its true nature is actually very different. If you are searching for the reality of its deeper nature – as opposed to what it merely seems to be when its reactions with corporal matter are observed and analyzed – then this belief is entirely false. Alchemy is to psynergy what the aether is to the four elements – a carrier, a transmuter, an expression of ultimate underlying unity. That is not to say that the four elements are in fact one, no not at all, but they do have relationships to each other and while I have not been able to find any evidence that it possible for psynergy to have its underlining elemental nature shifted there are many experiments that have proved this can and does happen between the physical forms of the elements. The most well known example of this is of course the combustion of cinnabar and mercury. Cinnabar is an expression of the element of earth because it is a mineral and mercury is an expression of the element of water even though it is in fact a metal. However, it is aligned with water because of its exceptional fluidal properties and has been recognized as expression of water since the Lost Age which is why it is known as mercury by those who study the Alchemistic arts and sciences. Now, to return to the point I was making before about…

Random person off stage: (whispers) Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Interviewer: And now we come to Dullahan, lord of death and destruction and the most challenging boss in all of the two games. So tell us, lord of darkness, how do you feel about being beaten up by a bunch of teenagers? Angry? Frustrated? Relieved that it’s finally over and done with and you don’t have to stand around in that dungeon guarding some random tablet anymore?

Dullahan: I am the shadow, keeper of the light.

Interviewer: Yes, just like you told them. But they still went and nicked that summon you’d spent all that time protecting. How does that make you feel?

Dullahan: If you want the sun’s power, show me your own. (raises sword which begins to exude dark energy)

Interviewer: Steady on, I was just asking-

BOOOOOM

The end