A/N: Aw, hamburgers, I'm fifteen minutes late DX. Ah well, at least it's up... and it's not -that- late.

...has anyone noticed the considerable lack of excitement over Cartman's birthday compared to Kyle's or Kenny's? I mean, obviously a lot of fangirls like them more (I do, lol), but still. I haven't seen one birthday present today or anything... and it's not like people don't know, because it's mentioned on several sites, and I've heard people mention today being his birthday. Hmm. Oh well.

This one's not as... I dunno, cynical as usual. And it's completely, totally based off of "Damien".

See you all again on September 11, unless I hear otherwise!

disclaimer: South Park belongs to Matt&Trey.

July 1

Kenny is so damn poor, it’s not even funny. He screwed up my birthday! He and his whore of a mom and their goddamn annual income of six dollars!

He was supposed to get me the new Terrance and Phillip Ultra-Fun Amusement Park Playset today! And Stan’s getting me the Terrance and Philip Ultra-Fun Movie Maker Kit, and Kyle’s getting me Terrance and Phillip: Ass Attack II, because he’s a Jew and can therefore afford a more expensive present. But I assigned Kenny the cheapest one! The cheapest one, dammit, and he comes over early to the party to say “Sorry, I couldn’t get you the Amusement Park, but I got you the Terrance and Phillip Talking Dolls!” I already have the Terrance and Phillip Talking Dolls! Aaargh! Kenny is so poor!

I’m not going to let him ruin my party this year. I’m going to sit here and eat cake and ice cream and play with myself until the rest of the kids come with the right presents. Maybe I can get Token to get me the Amusement Park in addition to the SuperSpeed Air Force Attack Action Playset… I know, I just won’t let him have any cake until he says yes. That’s the only reason anyone’s coming, anyway, is the food. They don’t give a shit about my birthday. Not that I give a shit about theirs… birthdays are for gay hippies, they’re only cool when it’s yours and you get lots of stuff.

Last year Kyle gave me this gayass game, Ants in the Pants. It was such a Jew move, I’m seriously. I hate him so much. I really, really hate Kyle.

People should be coming soon. This year, there’s nothing competing with my party – no lame good-vs.-evil fight or whatever the hell happened last time. And this year I invited the whole class, even Pip, because otherwise there’d be no one to get me the Mini Bakers Cookie Set, and I need the Mini Bakers Cookie Set to go along with the Mini Bakers Cakes ‘N More Set that Clyde’s getting me. See? I have it all planned out. Everything should go perfectly, and I’ll have all the presents I want by three o’clock.

…except for the Terrance and Phillip Ultra-Fun Amusement Park Playset, because Kenny’s so goddamn poor.