Hello everyone.

This is my first fanfic ever posted here. You'll have to excuse my grammar since English is not my home language. Anyway, I wrote an 'Allo 'Allo! story which takes place during the war and I tried to get it as funny as 'Allo 'Allo! possible. If you read it, you can say if I managed to do that. I have not put all characters in it, but main are Gruber & Rene :P

(btw, I do not own 'Allo 'Allo! or any of these characters, it's just written for people to enjoy it, hopfully) ;)

New day, new "Fallen Madonna" problems

In the office of Colonel von Strohm;
Just few moments ago General von Klinkerhoffen came and took the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the big you know what. The Colonel was hiding it but something unexpected happened which left him, Gruber and Helga with empty pockets.

Colonel: “There goes our saving…”
Gruber: “And we ended up with a forgery!”
Helga: “It is all your fault Gruber! You wanted to be a little crawler and look what happened! In order to earn your ways to the General, so he doesn’t recover the painting, not only has he found it, but took it with him!”
Gruber: “But I didn’t want that to happen!”
Colonel: “But it is your fault Gruber! You must now create a plan for returning it, otherwise I will personally arrange a very nasty thing for your little tank!”
Gruber: “ NOT MY LITTLE TANK!”
Colonel: “YES YOUR LITTLE TANK!”
Gruber: “Helga, what do you say to this?”
Helga: “If the Colonel fails I’ll go to Herr Flick and I’ll arrange a very nasty thing for your little tank!”

Gruber makes a sad and annoying face.

Gruber: “Fine, I’ll do it just don’t touch my little tank. It has been through many nasty things already. My poor little tank!” – and he storms out of the office
Colonel: “That was nice said Helga. You scared him well.”
Helga: “I know, and if you try to kick me out of the arrangement I’ll go to Herr Flick and tell him everything about the Fallen Madonna.”
Colonel: “Helga… There will be no need in doing such thing. You can trust me, you know me well.”
Helga: “That’s why I’m warning you.”

Gruber enters Café Rene and walks in a funny fashion to the bar.

Rene: "Good afternoon lieutenant."
Gruber: “It's not a very good afternoon. Rene, I have a problem and I need your help.”
Rene: “What kind of a problem?”
Gruber: “Personal problem.”
Rene: “Oh my God! Does it involve me?”
Gruber: “It will soon, yes.”
Rene: “Double oh my God!”
Gruber: “The Colonel told me that if I don’t make a plan to get the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the big… ahm… he would do something very nasty to my little tank.”
Rene: “How does this concern me?”
Gruber: “Cause if you don’t help me I’ll do something very nasty to you!”
Rene: “I have never seen you like this lieutenant.”
Gruber: “When it comes to my little tank I’m a ruthless man!”
Rene: “Fine, I’ll help you! What do I have to do?”
Gruber: “General von Klinkerhoffen has the painting in his chateau. Tonight, he’s throwing a party for the return of it. We must disguise ourselves and replace it with a forgery.”
Rene: “And where is the forgery?”
Gruber: “We shall need to go in your back room.”
Rene: “NO! Um, come rather here behind the bar.”
Gruber: “I’ll give it to you because it is not safe for me to carry it around. It’s hidden in my pants. Wait…”

Rene feels uncomfortable and Gruber makes an embarrassing expression.

Gruber: “Rene, could you help me, my hand appears to be stuck…”
Rene: “Triple Oh my God! Can you not pull it out yourself?”
Gruber: “No, I can’t, my hand is stuck! Help me!”
Rene: “Oh all right! This is for France!”

Rene puts his hand into Gruber’s pants and starts searching for the painting when suddenly Edith comes.

Edith: “RENE! What are you doing with your hand in lieutenant Gruber’s trousers?!”
Rene: “You stupid woman! I’m looking for the painting! His hand is stuck so I had to look for it myself!”
Edith: “IN HIS TROUSERS! Oh I have married a man who’s like that!”
Rene: “I’M NOT LIKE THAT EDITH! LOOK!”

He pulls the painting very fast out of Gruber’s trousers and Gruber screams like a little girl.

Rene: “See! I told you I was looking for the painting!”
Edith: “Oh I’m sorry Rene and I’m sorry lieutenant Gruber.”
Gruber: “That’s all right…” – he says in a squeaky voice and falls down on the floor.

Gruber and Rene were dressed as two waitresses and were just about to enter Gruber’s little tank when officer Crabtree spotted them.

Crabtree: “Whit are you two goals doing with that tonk?”
Rene: “It is I Rene you English twit!”
Crabtree: “Ronnie! And whi is that goal with you?”
Rene: “It is lieutenant Gruber!”
Crabtree: “And why are you drissed as woitresses?”
Rene: “Mind your own business!”
Crabtree: “There is no need to be rode! I thuth you were staleing the tonk.”
Rene: “Now you see we weren’t! We don’t have time for this so please could you be so nice and pass off!”
Crabtree: “I can suu I am unvinted! I am guing!”

After a while Rene and Gruber managed to sneak into the Château by taking one of the castle secret passages.

Rene: “Let’s go through the plan once again. While serving canapé sandwiches you will suddenly get dizzy and fall on the floor. While everyone gets distracted by that I will replace the painting with a forgery which is exposed in the main room.”
Gruber: “Exactly.”
Rene: “Oh I don’t know it all seems far too dangerous.”
Gruber: “If anything goes wrong, I will try to protect you. We can always sneak into my room and hide beneath the bed.”
Rene: “Yes, we could do that or I could just hand over myself to them. You know, so that you don’t get into trouble.”
Gruber: “Oh Rene, always so thoughtful.”
Rene (to us): “Anything is better than being alone with Gruber in his room.”
Gruber: “There’s Helga. Wait for me here.”

Gruber walks to Helga and she shoos him away.

Gruber: “Psst, it is I, Gruber!”
Helga: “Gruber? What are you doing dressed in that manner?”
Gruber: “Rene and I have a plan to return the painting. He is also dressed in this manner. I need you to do something for me. It’s all a part of my plan.”
Helga: “Tell me and I’ll do it.”
Gruber: “You need to distract Klinkerhoffen for a while.”
Helga: “And how will I do that?”
Gruber: “You know how…”
Helga: “But Herr Flick is also here. If he sees me he’ll go mad with jealousy.”
Gruber: “Even better. No one will than pay any attention to the painting.”
Helga: “Easy for you, I’m the one who’ll have to put up with consequences later.”
Gruber: “Do you want the painting or not?”
Helga: “Fine, I’ll do it!”

Helga walks to Klinkerhoffen and starts coming on to him.

Helga: “You look most handsome tonight.”
Klinkerhoffen: “Thank you, so do you Helga. Would you like to dance?”
Helga: “I would be most delighted.”

Gruber sees them dancing and walks to Rene.

Gruber: “So far so good. Do you have the painting in position?”
Rene: “It is well hidden in my suspenders.”
Gruber: “Now we wait for Helga to take the General in a room.”
Rene: “And she agreed in doing that with Herr Flick being here?”
Gruber: “Better so. That will keep him off the painting for a while.“
Rene: “Ah, yes. Good thinking.”

Klinkerhoffen whispered something into Helga’s ear and Herr Flick saw that. He was trying to behave normally, but then he saw them walking away and holding hands. His face became neurotic and he decided to follow them. Soon all the three of them were gone.

Gruber: “This is it Rene. Go to the painting and wait for my signal.”
Rene: “What will the signal be?”
Gruber: “I will fall on the floor and start shaking.”
Rene: “At least it will be a very visible signal.”

When they were at the position Gruber suddenly started moaning and drew everyone’s attention to him. Then he fell on the floor and started shaking. In the meanwhile Rene was replacing the painting and after he was done he joined the crowd around Gruber. Gruber suddenly stood up and said:

“Oh I’m sorry everyone. I thought I ate something on what I was allergic, but it was a false alarm. Once again I apologize.”

Everyone looked him weirdly and then returned to whatever they were doing.

Gruber: “Now, I will go to my room and get out of this disguise and you will return to the Café with the painting.”
Rene: “Allright. I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
Gruber: “Yes… Thank you for doing this Rene.”
Rene: “You didn’t leave me with any other choice.”
Gruber: “I’m sorry, but I had to. I hope you will be able to forget my rudeness.“
Rene: "And some other things with it as well."

While they were going away they both saw Herr Flick in one of the rooms jumping up and down on his Gestapo hat.

Gruber: “Herr Flick definitely saw Helga and Klinkerhoffen together. Uh, I wouldn’t want to be in Helga’s shoes… ”
Rene: “Neither would I. Who would even want touch General von Klinkerhoffen?”

THE END

So what do you think? Please tell me no matter how good or bad your opinion is, cause what is the point writing stuff if you're not sure anyone's reading it... and if they are reading it, if they like it...