"Any idea what's going on," Dick whispered to Tim. Two chairs were pulled out from the Cave's sole uncluttered table. It looked as if it had been recently cleaned.
"Not a clue. I was just told I had to get here." Tim contemplated the chairs, then sat in one. "Whatever it is... well, I don't think its good."
"When the chair's already pulled out, its never good."
Tim slouched in the chair and made a face. "I think I know what it is," he muttered.
"Tim, stop it. You're not being fired." Replaced, maybe. But not fired.
"I didn't even want to come here."
"I know you're still pissed at Bruce. I'd be pissed too. Hell, I'm pissed FOR you. But for some demented reason, whenever he calls, we all come a-runnin'. Like No Man's Land. Prime example of Batman being a jerk in kicking us out, then being MORE of a jerk in calling us back. We're suckers, Timmy. He puts on his pretty face, bats his eyes...oh no, wait, that's Babs. Not Bats. My bad."
Tim actually chuckled a little. "I can see how you'd get them confused."
"Yeah. They both keep me on a tight leash," Dick muttered.
"I'm glad you're both here," a voice rumbled behind them.
Tim slumped a little more in the chair and folded his arms over his chest. "Ok, what's the deal? What're we doing here? What're-what's-what the hell?" Stephanie and Bruce were walking towards them. Stephanie and Bruce being the key-NOT Spoiler and Batman. "Confused..." Tim moaned.
"Explanations are in order," Bruce began firmly. "Which is why I've called you here."
Stephanie looked up at Bruce with glowing eyes and a bright smile.
"I know what this is about," Tim said smartly.
Oh god, Dick thought. Can't Tim EVER just shut up? He was only going to make it worse.
"You're replacing me. That's why we're all suddenly on a real-face basis here."
"I'm not replacing you, Timothy," Bruce said gently.
"You're not? Well... oh."
"Actually... I will be requiring your assistance more, Tim."
"So, you're not training Spoiler?"
"We've put a hold on her training..."
Tim was relieved, happy, ecstatic...
"Until the baby is born," Stephanie finished for Bruce.
Tim frowned. AGAIN? That was TWICE he thought they'd had something, and she'd been... with some other guy. "Who's the dad THIS time?" Tim asked peevishly.
There was silence.
There was more silence.
"WELL?" Tim asked.
Stephanie and Bruce both shifted uneasily.
Tim stared at them questionably. He didn't quite understand.
"Oh, that's just plain sick," Dick said with distain. "And you bitched about me and Barbara. At least Babs wasn't old enough to be my mother."
Tim understood suddenly. He really wished he could go back to five seconds ago, when he DIDN'T understand, and live there for the rest of his life. "Yuck," was all Tim had to offer.
"We don't know where or when we will find love," Bruce began.
Tim began slamming his forehead repeatedly against the metal table top.
Dick, on the other hand, displayed an appropriate reaction. "Bruce, are you fucking out of your MIND?"
"I...love...Stephanie," he said with much more ease than Dick thought he should be able to. This was BRUCE. The EMOTIONAL RETARD. And he was in love with STEPHANIE? He was in love with SPOILER?
"I have two words," Dick said darkly. "Jail and Bait." He looked at his little brother. "Tim, stop that before you give yourself brain damage."
"Want...brain...damage," Tim said as he continued pounding methodically.
"And you?" Dick asked. "What do YOU have to say about this?"
Stephanie gave him her most radiant, glowing smile. "I can't say I'm not happy about this. It'd be a lie."
Dick's eyes cheated downwards. Stephanie and Bruce had joined hands.
"I'm going to be fucking sick," Dick moaned. "And you, who're you and what did you do with Bruce?" Dick desperately wanted to smack his dad in the head.
Bruce shrugged self-depreciatingly. "What can I say?"
"Nothing," Dick answered darkly, hauling Tim to his feet. "We're outta here, man. And the next time we hear from your asses, it better be to tell us this was a really LATE April Fools joke."
"Dude," Tim moaned.
"Shit," Dick replied.
"Where the fuck are we?"
"I think we're at my place."
"Is this what a hang-over feels like?"
"I dunno. Unless you feel how I feel."
"I feel like I'm going to swallow my head and puke it back out again."
"That'd be it."
"I'm gonna puke."
"Gotta lay off the spoiled pizza mixed with Fear Toxin," Tim said as he rolled over on the floor, trying to get up.. "Last time I eat over your house before patrol."
"I told you the fridge was broke."
"You ate it too."
"Don't remind me." Dick was laying on the other side of the sofa, still in his costume. How in the world had they made it home last night? Ever so slowly, he picked his head up. "I'm not sure if I'm food poisoned, or Scarecrow poisoned."
"Probably both. I gotta tell you... I had the most messed up dream..."
Dick picked the eye-gunk out of his eye. "Me too. It was Bruce and Spoiler..."
"Oh God. Me too. And he knocked her up..."
They both threw up on the floor.