A/N: Well, after sitting in a car for over three hours with two stinking family members of the male persuasion, devoid of TV or even good music, I was inspired to write this. I don’t expect this to be my best work, but I do hope that you will like this all the same.

I’ve tried my absolute hardest to avoid any anachronisms, given the time period and all. There will be a bit of a back-story as to why Amber and Corny are married (and yes, they are married in this twoshot), but overall, this is all in good fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. At all. Everything you see here is a fabrication of my mind, which has been somewhat weakened due to Spring Break.

“Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.”

-Evan Esar

“Are we there yet?”

Corny Collins sighed and shook his head. “No, pooh; not yet.”

There was a pause before the same voice asked tentatively, “When will we be there?”

Amber smiled and twisted around in her seat to face her daughter. “We’ll be there tomorrow, honey. Why? Are you getting bored?”

Lily Collins nodded, the curls from her perm bouncing. Amber bent forward and rummaged around in a bag for something. Corny could not understand how the six-year-old was already bored; they had only been gone for fifteen minutes.

The trip had been planned for three weeks now. Velma von Tussle, now Velma St. Walcott, had whined and complained to her only child that she was getting lonely. All of her friends’ children were coming to visit them, and she was the odd one out. It hadn’t taken much convincing; Amber had always had a soft spot for her mother. Corny hadn’t put up much of a fuss; the kids didn’t travel that often, and Velma was their only grandparent.

But what a mistake it had been. They had gone to visit her before, but it had never seemed so hectic. They were supposed to leave at nine o’clock in the morning. Glancing at his wristwatch, Corny saw that it was now 10:35. Amber had had to iron just about everyone’s clothes, and of course the kids had taken the opportunity to run into the background sans clothes. Corny had spent twenty minutes chasing them around the yard and shouting that they couldn’t just run around in their underwear.

“Yes we can!” had been the shrill answer. Corny had finally caught up with them and tossed each child over his shoulder, striding into the house to Amber’s frantic shouts. Lily’s slip was dirty now, and so she had had to change into another one. Aaron had run around the house for some time, shrieking delightedly whenever his father jumped out from behind something, brandishing the four-year-olds pants.

Once the kids had finally been dressed, Amber screeched that there was no way her daughter was leaving the house with a rat’s nest. They had taken forever in the bathroom, trying to gently comb through Lily’s ridiculously knotty hair. Lily had then taken ten minutes choosing which ribbon she wanted, and of course Amber was in no rush. By this time, Aaron had tried to escape from the house again. Corny had snatched him at the slide on their play-set.

After forcefully holding down a cackling Aaron and changing him, Corny had said (through gritted teeth), “Get. In. The. Car. Now.”

They finally piled into the car, but not before Amber had dashed back inside and grabbed her purse. They had almost driven off with Aaron’s toy firetruck on the top of the car, but his laughter had let them know that something was amiss. He now sat in the back with it, softly making “Vroom, vroom!” noises.

“How about you color, sweetie?” Amber asked, her voice somewhat muffled from her position.

“Okay, Mommy!” Lily replied, clapping her hands.

Amber resurfaced moments later, holding a pad of paper and a pack of crayons. Lily cheered as she reached for them, and she quickly settled in her seat to draw.

Before long, Corny began to relax. They had gotten onto the highway without difficulty, and the kids were being mercifully silent. Amber was reading the paper, pausing occasionally; if she read for too long while riding in the car, she would get carsick. Corny even began to lightly hum “The Nicest Kids in Town,” pleased that the trip was going so well.

It was just his luck that Lily would start to wail.

“A-Aaron s-stole m-my c-c-crayon!” she sobbed, dropping her remaining crayons and kicking the pad of paper off of her lap.

Amber sighed and turned around, the newspaper neatly folded in her lap. “Well, did he ask if he could use your crayons?”

“N-no-o-o-o!” Lily wailed.

Amber sighed again. “Aaron, sweetheart, why did you take one of your sister’s crayons?”

Aaron shrugged unconcernedly. “’Cause I liked the red one.”

“But that’s the color of Dorothy’s shoes!” Lily screeched, her hand bent into a claw as she swiped at her brother. Aaron cried out and broke the crayon. Corny thought he was going to go deaf from Lily’s screams. It took quite some time, but finally, Amber had calmed both the kids down. Lily continued drawing (substituting orange for red) and Aaron sniffled occasionally.

After some time had passed, Lily asked in a tentative voice, “Daddy?”

He sighed. “What?”

Lily paused for a moment, fidgeting with the bow on her dress. “I’m hungry.”

Corny glanced at his wristwatch again. “Honey, it’s just barely 11:30. Lunch isn’t for another half an hour.”

“But I’m hungry now,” Lily whined, lightly kicking her pat-and-leather shoes for emphasis.

“We’re not stopping until twelve.”

Lily sighed, put down her drawing supplies, unsteadily got to her feet, and whispered something in Amber’s ear. Corny didn’t bother trying to listen; he knew he would find out in a moment. Sure enough, Amber smiled lightly and said in a low voice, “I’m sorry, honey, but Daddy really wants to get there. It won’t be long, I promise.”

“Lily, sit back down. We don’t want you to get hurt, sweetie,” Corny said absent-mindedly, glaring at a reckless station-wagon.

Lily fell back into her seat, pouting resentfully. After a few minutes, smirking deviously, she stood up and quickly flopped back down. No one noticed the first few times, but after awhile, Aaron saw the flurry of his sister’s yellow dress. He giggled, returning to his miniature firemen, who were now trying to escape out of the ashtray. Amber was still intent on the newspaper, muttering under her breath about the most recent scandal.

Corny glanced up in his rearview mirror and saw Lily’s antics. He was not amused. “Lily Amber Collins. Sit down before I have to take my belt and strap you into the seat.”

Lily and Aaron laughed loudly.

“Daddy, that’s silly!” Lily declared, clapping her hands. She had not ceased sitting down and standing up again, and it was beginning to bother Corny.

“Lily. Sit down. Now.”

“No!” she shouted, moving at a faster pace. Aaron laughed so hard that some snot came out of his nose. Amber fussed around in her purse for a tissue, reaching back and ordering him to “blow.”

“You don’t want Mr. Sniffles, do you?” she asked in a bright voice.

“No, Mommy!” he replied, dutifully sticking his nose in the tissue and blowing for all that he was worth. When he had emptied his nose, Amber balled up the tissue and stuck it neatly in her ashtray. Lily, however, had not ceased her misbehaving, and Corny was starting to wonder if he would need to remove his belt for a different reason.

“Lily.”

“Wha-a-at?”

“Sit down.”

“No!”

“Lily.”

“No, Daddy, no!”

Corny growled. “Lily, if you don’t sit down right now, we are pulling over and I will spank you in front of the whole highway!”
Lily looked terrified for a moment. Then she slowly sat down, shrinking back into her seat. She pulled her pad of paper up onto her lap as if it would shelter her, and after grabbing her crayons, she began scribbling furiously, acting as if nothing had just happened. Corny, still simmering, hardly noticed what he was doing until Amber shrieked, “Corny, look out!”

He saw the car just in time; swearing, he yanked the steering wheel and swerved. Several horns blared, but he restrained himself from honking back. Amber had a hand over her heart, panting heavily and looking terrified. Lily and Aaron were screaming in the back, completely unaware of what was happening. They silenced once Corny threw him a look.

“Uh, Corny, there’s a diner up ahead. It looks like the only one for a few miles,” Amber observed shakily.

“All right,” Corny muttered, changing lanes and pulling into the parking lot of Jimmy’s Diner. Lily and Aaron skipped out of the car and into the restaurant, looking as if they had not nearly been hit by a car or been yelled at by their father. Amber gave him a weak smile and slipped her arm around his waist. He returned the gesture, appearing nonchalant as he and his wife entered the diner after their children.

A big-boned woman with a nametag that read “Marge” looked up from the counter. She was obviously a blonde out of a bottle and way past her prime. Her somewhat flabby skin indicated that she had once had muscles. She flashed a yellowing grin. “Well, hey, there. Would you like the counter or a booth, sir?”

“Booth, please,” Corny replied in forced politeness.

Marge grabbed four menus and led the way to a booth. Upon seeing her out from behind the counter, the family noticed that her skirt was obviously not made for her, and Amber made a noise of disgust. Corny squeezed her hip gently before they slid into the booth. Lily sat on her knees, finding the most appetizing pictures. Aaron sat with his feet dangling, kicking them happily. Marge took their drink orders, leaving them with a moment to think.

“Mommy,” Lily began in a whine.

“What, sweetie?” Amber replied with a hint of exhaustion.

“What’s this?”

Amber leaned over to what Lily was pointing at. “That’s a salad. You don’t want that.”

Lily huffed a moment later. “There’s too many things. I don’t know what I want.”

“How about a grilled cheese sandwich?” Amber asked monotonously, skimming over her own menu.

“Okay!” Lily replied loudly. Aaron spent quite some time, but he finally settled on a grilled cheese sandwich as well. Marge returned shortly with four Cokes and her notepad. Lily demanded that hers be made before Aaron’s, to which her brother countered by demanding that his was bigger. They bickered as Marge gathered their menus and traipsed away. Before long, Lily began tapping her plate with her fork.

“Please don’t do that, Lily,” Corny said automatically, squinting to try and make out some notices pinned on the board near the door.

Lily stopped tapping, but a moment later, she was bent over her Coke, blowing bubbles into it loudly.

“Lily.”

She looked up, grinning guiltily.

“Stop.”

Lily sighed and unfolded her legs from beneath her, dangling them like her brother. She was still only for a moment before she began to make popping noises. Corny glanced over at Amber; she was busy making Aaron blow again.

“Amber?”

She looked up.

“How ‘bout taking the kids to the restroom and making them wash their hands?”

Amber nodded. “Okay, kids, let’s go; you need to wash up before you eat.”

“Daddy’s not doing it,” Lily noted stubbornly.

Corny groaned and got up as well, leading a talkative Aaron to the bathroom. Aaron hardly paused to draw breath as he scrubbed his hands, laughing at the bubbles. He wiped his hands for far too long with the paper towel, and as he and Corny exited the bathroom, he was still talking about trucks. He fell silent as they sat down, running out of things to talk about. Lily, growing restless with the silence, began to hum. Her humming gradually turned to singing.

“How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you…” she trailed off, unable to remember the next part.

“Lily,” Corny said loudly, “why don’t you go pick out something from the jukebox?”

Lily brightened. “Can I, Daddy?”

“Sure,” he replied, flipping through his wallet. He handed her the money and she skipped off, Aaron in tow. They carefully selected a song, and before long, Johnny Cash was filling the diner with his low, rich voice.

“When will our food get here?” Lily asked five minutes after she had sat down.

“Soon,” both parents promised simultaneously. Lily was about to tap her fork against her plate again when Marge set a tray down on their table. She unloaded the plates and bowls and then whisked off to refill a man’s cup of coffee. Aaron and Lily, rather than eating their food with gusto, hardly finished it. They were both chattering about absolute nonsense, and Corny was quite positive that he was going to go insane. Amber, for her part, was smiling and feigning interest.

Corny encouraged the kids to eat up, becoming “Mr. Cranky-Pants” to his children. Amber had better luck, gently offering things such as, “Why don’t you eat that, Lily, and then tell me about Sarah Montgomery?” It was thanks to her that the Collins family finally finished eating and was ready to go.

“Okay, let’s all use the restroom before we leave, huh?” Corny decided. Aaron followed him to the men’s room, talking again. He was so intent on talking that he turned to talk and lost his aim. Corny yelped and straightened his son up, telling him firmly not to move when he was going wee-wee. Aaron had nodded eagerly, directing his conversation at the wall rather than his father. Corny lifted up his son to wash his hands, and by the time they had left, the other men in the diner knew all about the dog that Aaron wanted.

“Ready, everyone?” Amber asked in a voice of forced cheeriness; apparently, Lily had talked to her from the stall and informed the whole restroom that she had made furniture for her Barbie dolls from Amber’s feminine protection.

“Ready, Freddy!” they replied, skipping out the door and to the car.

“Look both ways!” Corny shouted, jogging up to his oblivious children. Luckily, they were safe, and after clambering in the car and making sure that everything was in place, they set off again. It was not long before, naturally, Lily declared that she was bored.

“How about we play a game?” Amber said before Corny could get frustrated.

“Like what?” Lily asked.

“Hmm…how about ‘I Spy?’” Amber suggested.

“Amber—“ Corny began.

“Okay!” Lily and Aaron shouted in compliance. For an hour they spied cars and trees, none of which surprised Corny. They played the license plate game, and when that got old, they sang. They sang every group song from The Sound of Music and a few songs from Mary Poppins. When Amber’s voice grew hoarse, they lapsed into silence.

Amber twisted around thirty minutes later and, upon finding them asleep, turned to Corny. “The kids are napping. Now, what was this with Mrs. Wheeler?”

Corny sighed, glad he had the road to keep his eyes on. “Well, Brenda is running low on money, so old Mother dear is trying to make me own up to being the father.”

“Even though Fender admitted to it?” Amber scoffed.

Corny sighed again. “Yup.”

Amber paused for a moment. “So…what’re you gonna do?”

Corny sighed for a third time. “Nothing. I’ve done my part. I’ve already made it clear that I don’t mess around with teenage girls—“

“Hmph,” Amber muttered.

Corny threw her a dirty look. “Yeah, well, I took responsibility for a nonexistent problem.”

Amber growled in exasperation. “Geeze, Corny; it was an honest mistake! Besides, I would have ended up like that anyway, wouldn’t I? Look how soon Lily came.”

“She was a honeymoon baby,” Corny said through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, but we were gonna keep…you know…until I thought I was gonna have a baby.”

“After one time—“ Corny muttered.

“It’s your fault, you insufferable—“

“It takes two to tango, babe.”

Amber glared at Corny for a moment before sighing and staring at the road in front of her. “There’s a hotel up ahead,” she noted curtly.

Corny glanced at her and then set a hand on her thigh. “I love you, Amber.”

Amber seemed to melt as she leaned over and pecked his cheek. “Love you too, baby.”

“Where are we?” Lily yawned from the backseat, raising her head from its resting place on Aaron’s head.

“The hotel. Ready, kids?” Amber asked as she stretched.

Lily and Aaron were tired, but they woke up the instant they left the car, running ahead and pushing all the buttons in the elevator. They jumped on their bed until Corny told them to stop. They ate dinner at the next-door burger joint and returned to the hotel. Corny was forced to watch the kids while Amber took a bath. She instructed them to get into their pajamas and then go straight to bed while she bathed. Corny promised to do the job, succeeding in at least making them change their clothes.

“Daddy?”

“What-y?”

“Can we play horsie-ride?”

When Amber came out of the bathroom, she found her two children swaying dangerously on her husband’s back, howling with laughter as he made horse noises. He paused as he noticed her, the laugh dying in his throat. The two children slid off of his back, jumping into bed.

“Hi, sweetie,” Corny said, clearing his throat and straightening his shirt.

“Can it, Seabiscuit.”

A/N: Eh, I know; the ending was random. But I had to show that Corny wasn’t half as mean as I realized I was making him here.

I know that this is kind of drabble-esque and pointless, but I’m having fun writing it, and I hope that you all have enjoyed reading it.

Please be kind and leave a review! This is my first Hairspray fanfic, and I would really appreciate the feedback!

LazyChestnut