Author's note: some moments may not seem too clear, but on the one hand my aim was to create a kind of mess, just like that on Ryousuke's mind

V. The Sin

Two pairs of green eyes staring each other down, one burning with desire, the other filled with tender calmness, always the same emotions versus logic, ten words in a question versus silence in a reply, fires of hell versus coolness of angels, they were two opposite poles of a magnet, heaven and earth having mutual line of never-ending horizon, distant yet touching each other, two brothers as one entity, and one of them failed to keep on the razor-edge recently crossing the inadmissible boundary now suffering from bleeding wounds of burns. The perfect balance, unlike in drift, appeared too difficult to keep as the forbidden fruit of pleasure teased, seduction, temptation unbelievably sweet to resist. Corners of the soft pink lips moved upwards and the one, standing at the desk lowered his eyes in shame,

“Gomen, aniki”.

Ryousuke’s smile lingered on his face until Keisuke dared to look at him again, the former’s features kind and forgiving.

“I told him the truth, but he knows not more than he should”.

The blond closed his eyes thanking both his brother and God since the he felt a weight off his mind, feeling of sheer relief bringing solace and sudden weakness in the knees, he sat on the desk’s edge catching his breath awaiting further information.

“I felt like a bad comedian, no good at all… Keisuke”, the elder Takahashi confessed stroking smooth black surface of the abused laptop. “Trust me, he won’t nag you with queries, I’ve seen to it”.

“Aniki”, Keisuke breathed out not sure of what to add, eyes watery. “How did you… I mean… What… was it that…”

“Relax, it’s OK, it’s no big deal really. And I’m not supposed to discuss such matters with him, it’s our personal issue. Now”, the FC driver got up and presented Keisuke with another of his rare smiles. “Go”.

The blond rose from the seat glancing at the damaged computer inwardly cherishing the hope it was alright other than that he’d have to pay out of his pocket for repair. He left the room absorbed in various unimportant thoughts of his abnormality, his conduct needed being improved. At times, these times when Keisuke had nothing to do or before going to bed, he wondered why he was born so emotional, impulsive, blaming parents, envying Ryousuke, or it might be the hint that he had to change some of his traits, like reduce nervousness, increase calmness, he was 21, wasn’t it late to alter anything? Somehow Keisuke couldn’t fall asleep tonight after he went to bed early, inspite lack of slumber he was feeling unusually restless as though being in concrete jungle, he kept musing on the coming Saturday race and counting chances for winning, he kept brooding on bits of conversation with Ryousuke trying to transport himself back to the morning thinking what would have come about provided he’d stayed at home, what heated discussion they could have with father, ‘what if’s’ invading his tired mind in an endless flood which gradually got slower, weaker, thinner until it ceased at last helping the boy get his needed dream, clock flashing three AM when it finally happened.

The moment the study door locked behind Keisuke was blissful for Ryousuke as he mentally sighed. Once at the table again he got down to checking the laptop for any sign of severe destruction, finding none, the Takahashi leant back against his favourite chair glad to have at least one positive point in the day. Although he had concocted an elaborate story shielding both of them, the elder brother didn’t feel that kind of satisfaction people experience in a situation like this, he, rather, felt concussed defining his state as after-swoon. Oh man, he had the finding-the-reason-for-all obsession that made him angry, he would attempt to decrease it, Ryousuke assured himself. Keisuke looked much livelier, lighter, freer as he had no such analyze-everything function sealed in his brain. How come their parents have created a robot-like child? He liked his otouto’s temperament better than his own. The concerned guy however had other problems to load his head with so he chose not to carry on with this one.

***

It was the native engine sound that made him shudder and lean back from the steering wheel his forehead rested upon, Keisuke huh’ed prickling his ears to make sure he wasn’t deceived. He wasn’t. The sounding of tires, the manner of driving, the exceptional style of handling the car seemed too obvious to not get it. Ryousuke was coming to rescue him.

‘If only it’s a rescue’, the depressed racer sighed, his brother, to his mind, would remember all bad things Keisuke has done for the last couple of days, would probably swear and call him a nutcase, would ask billions of questions he wouldn’t find answers to, would do this and that and many other horrible things. ‘Dou shiyou?’

Meanwhile the white FC has stopped before Keisuke’s vehicle, Ryousuke smoking, reclining against the bumper, all his stance showing expectation, challenge as he waited for Keisuke to approach, better with explanations from the younger’s part. That’s ridiculous, the blond guessed, how such a usual wide-spread habit turned him on – he adored it when the elder smoked, enjoyed the sight, interested, mesmerized by how Ryousuke was doing it. It could be an obsession to watch him take out a stick and put it into his mouth, as the cigarette was placed a bit to the right side, then he lit it and seeing gray stream break through the lips while he breathed it out, Keisuke derived utmost pleasure in such a process, in being near as though wishing to examine all in detail, every second of the sibling smoking, even a tiny orange fire at the end of the slowly dying cigarette, even ash falling down on the ground or caught up by the wind, the way he held it between the index and the middle finger in his left hand, how thoughtful he became after a few drags, all this excited Keisuke, excited to the point of delirium, dreaming about it at night when he imagined himself surrounded by clouds of this magical smoke. It lost its authentic magic when he himself touched the harmful tobacco items, Ryousuke thus being the only one who did it in a special incredibly-tempting way. Or was it just him?

The dreamer gazed yet another two minutes before taking his eyes off the tall figure illuminated by the bright light of the car, with a short growl he shifted in the drivers seat not feeling like moving or leaving the warm comfort of the FD, although the perfect hint dropped by Ryousuke implied going out of the vehicle, the sooner the better. The elder was obstinate, the younger appeared far more stubborn – Keisuke could guarantee the dark-haired man would give in in several minutes, the cigarette coming to the filter, Ryousuke’s patience coming to its end as well. The two knew each other well enough to be able to foresee their future actions. He grew nervous all over noting the other take a small step in the direction of the quiet yellow car, further movements done gruelingly as though he had just ran a 66-km marathon. ‘Welcome to a group therapy hour’, Keisuke mentally groused preparing for his brother’s lessons. ‘I won’t let you. Need other things, not your stuff’.

The FC-driver got into his brother’s car hoping to solve problems, if actually there were such, and find some common ground as a basis for agreement, if there were things to agree on. He doubted that what he was about to do was right, what Keisuke had on his mind, however, was far from his even most daring guesses. The hurricane, the powerful storm, the blast he ever experienced covered him next moment as he suddenly gasped for air, something choking, making him breathless, hands groping for the door handle, a momentary glimpse rushing through his mind that it was a high-risk situation with no escape whatsoever. Ryousuke swallowed loudly as the death-carrying object pressed tightly to his neck and seemed to stiffen the terrible grip, like huge tongs squeezing metal his head was forcibly being torn out from the body, hot clutch around the pale neck clenching deeper, harder. And in the dimness, in the grey fog of half consciousness, he discerned a desperate cal, the word he would forever bear in his memory,

“Aniki… aniki… aniki”, it echoed over and over again.

There in the car Ryousuke felt extremely claustrophobic, sounds hyperbolized, deafening, crushing the man’s ears. What was going on, what had he done wrong to be being killed now, and that ‘aniki’… No-no-no… Where was Keisuke? He’d better have fainted for what happened to him later seemed too unreal to believe for the elder of the brothers. The young man to the right of him threw himself in the opposite direction over the gear shift, flying with all his weight onto the one in the passenger seat. Nothing but madness, the last stage of insanity, no control, restriction forgotten, like a bull catching a sight of bright red rag moving from side to side by the toreador. Not even a dozen of seat-belts could fasten him in place as he made a jump-like action at his brother who had just got into the car, Keisuke looked like devil incarnate or a vampire making a dive for the next victim ready to suck such delicious blood, ever-so sweet liquid, taste each tiny drop of it, savouring, loving, enjoying… his own property.

Unsure yet swift hands ran everywhere as he claimed the body of the other his irrefutable possession, he needed this intimacy, moments that showed his desire that he’d been keeping within for so long, the want to divest himself of the burden found its time at last. Months of one-sided longing, months of unrequited love growing into aching torture, deliberate distancing himself from the object of passion turning into one-night stands with no-matter-who-they-were guys, all kinds of males, all sorts of types while he was desperately searching for someone who’d remotely look like his aniki. Failure by failure as these finds appeared to be mere rent boys with skin-deep feelings. Hiding his nature, concealing these reputation-tarnishing affairs Keisuke has got used to living a sort of double-faced life, some day, he assumed, he might burst. A tremendous bomb of unuttered words and suppressed emotions would explode, come what may but he would be relieved at least. Perversion, sin, forbidden fruit, he’d been thinking about those things for what seemed the biggest part of his free time, finding relative peace in driving and clubbing. Eating, reading, speaking with mates, all of this led to nothing but thoughts about his brother in the end. The other, in his opinion, was either a fool to not notice the strange conduct, or on the opposite, a wise man choosing to not interfere until diamond cut diamond. He hated and loved Ryousuke at the same time and got all nuts recently barely restraining himself, he still surmised the revealed secret would bring dishonor on the family. ‘Damned Takahashis’, he often felt sorry for having to be so right and correct in all.

Hungry mouth near biting, chewing the thin pale skin, teeth close to tearing bits of flesh once Keisuke got access to the divine creature of haunting dreams, once the ghost of his brother became real, once the shadow acquired its true form, the seducing, tempting shape, ideal silhouette, God… he has been waiting for this moment for what seemed like eternity. Nothing could discourage the boy from doing it for the chance would be gone if missed now, there would be no tomorrow if he said no. even though his own body was in a less favourable position due to the low roof of the FD the blond managed to immobilize the passenger, his right hand around Ryousuke’s neck, nails digging into the softness, he would have never forgiven himself for hurting the beloved, yet now Keisuke was out of his mind, turning all wilder, ruder knowing the explanation, the reason for such unpardonable behavior – afraid to lose him, wanting to make him stay, force was the single way to not let him go, or else Ryousuke would break free and loath him for the rest of his life, so Keisuke thought it best to not release the deathly hold, grip getting tighter, the raven-haired man already coughing violently. There had been no plan, nor was the younger realizing what the hell he was doing now, lust-blinded ones rarely to never understand anything under such circumstances, hopefully, this occasion would have positive outcome: one death and one trip to the psychiatric hospital enough to drive the Takahashi-parents crazy. Keisuke’d better have stopped before it was too late.

He got down to fierce assault, heavy touch on an almost senseless body, that proprietary air and gestures revealing another side of Keisuke, on the verge of savagery, cruelty, the insatiable beast has broken loose, one thing only left from the previous image of his was the never-ending ‘aniki’ whispered through and through.

There followed kisses, many of them, too many to make Ryousuke’s lips red and swollen, to even make his sensitive skin bleed, the sharp teeth piercing his neck and lower, downwards to the collar bones and then down until the upper button was unfastened, the hunt for flesh going on as he moved farther to the second and the third round clasp only to fully undo the fabric hindrance. One hand not enough to feel the tense frame, position uncomfortable too, this causing the guy to move on Ryousuke’s lap as the FD-driver straddled his brother releasing his neck, all done promptly as he pressed his chest against the other’s, breathed out and closed his eyes in delight, palms placed on the passenger’s shoulders a second later. He guessed it might be a dream, yet another collection of silly pictures that would disperse by the morning, he was melting in the half-embrace, all inconvenience insignificant, this closeness meaning much more than any other material substitution. Could that be because he lacked brotherly love, for all his life he has been craving for Ryousuke’s attention, the simple want gradually transforming into perversion, desire, physical attraction, sexual need, permanent thoughts of taboo yet alluring incest excruciating the guy. Everyplace, anytime the monster inside strived after illegal intimacy. It was high time to get it.

“Aniki”, he kept touching the convulsing body, the elder struggling for breath, needing to fill the lungs with precious air, blackness getting thicker. “Aniki…”

Hot wet tongue sliding along the left side of the just-freed neck, up and down, then caressing the small ear-lobe, nose catching a fresh hardly-discernible scent of forest shampoo of aniki’s hair, every single spot, each slight mark of the man underneath him seemed incredible, gorgeous. He was his, his own, no one else’s, his aniki!

“Aniki…” another reiteration, not the name but this unchangeable ‘aniki’. All mixing, messing, tangling in the demented mind of the molester, the wish to gain the upper hand too strong to hold back. ‘I want you’.