|Fairy Tales of Mass Murderers and Detectives
Author: Hunter Kitty PM
When fairy tales get a little boring, why not replace some of the characters with your favorite detectives and psychotic mass murderers of Death Note? Most couples will be LightxLRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Light Y. & L - Chapters: 30 - Words: 65,689 - Reviews: 373 - Favs: 179 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 11-29-08 - Published: 03-28-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4161875
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Rating: T. For mentions of...stuff..., pretend swearing, and death. If I'm rating it wrong, tell me or something so I can get it right for whatever other crap I may write. (Oh, and I'm doing ratings for each chapter and not the whole thing. Just in case.)
Summary: Snow White, Death Note style. Queen Misa is jealous of Prince L, and so seeks out to destroy her competition from Prince Light's affection. Mello and Matt co-star as the magic mirror and castle hunter, respectively.
Warnings: Really, the rating is for Mello yelling stuff (I replaced swears with -insert swear word here- because I don't really like swearing) and at the end when someone ends up dying and two guys walk to a bedroom to 'do stuff that you probably don't want to hear about'. Oh, and there is some very very slight MelloxMatt (but only if you squint and look through a magnifying glass) and some not so slight LightxL (because they end up married like Snow White to Prince Charming) Oh, and there is some definite OOCness. So BEWARE!
Spoilers: Aside from the appearance of Mello and Matt (who appear after or around volume seven of the manga and episodes 25-27 of the anime) I don't think there are any spoilers.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (it belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata) and I also don't own Snow White (Like all fairy tales. I don't know for sure who it belongs to.)
A/N: 'Ice with that Burn?' (it appears in the epilogue) is just some random joke of mine. I always have Mello say it because I like how it sounds. Don't be all 'blarg I hate it, flame and burn', please. It's just my little joke.
Oh, and this story is mainly meant to (hopefully) make people laugh a little bit so try not to be all serious. Please. Pretty please?
And this is my first fanfiction ever posted here! -throws confetti- So even if you people aren't happy, I sure am!
(Note: Just recently (Around late June of 2008 or so) I've started fixing up the typos and replacing the chapters. If you see any mistakes, send me a message so I can fix it since I'm a perfectionist and want this fanfiction to have as few grammar/spelling mistakes as possible.)
Once upon a time there was a queen and she had a kid and named him L. We don't know why. Most of the most reasonable ideas had something to do with an overdose of one or more drugs. For the sake of the story, we're going to assume she had waaayyy too much alcohol and was pass-out-drunk at the time. And due to all the alcohol in her system, she died before the poor kid was even one.
So a new queen took over. Queen Misa had a magic mirror that she named Mello. Every day while she brushed her hair and applied make-up (which, to Mello's displeasure, took hours) she would ask the mirror...
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Who's the fairest one of all?"
And the mirror would grumble that she was. And Misa would be happy and run off to try and catch the attention of Prince Light.
As L grew older, he became weirder. Talking less, going out into the sun less, sleeping less, and others.. But all his quirks made girls interested and so his odd habits were his beauty. Many a fair maiden tried to win his heart. L didn't really care and often turned down their dates unless there was cake involved.
One day, when Misa asked her mirror the same old question, she heard something different. Rather than the usual mutter, she heard papers shuffling. Then Mello burst out laughing.
"Ha! Sucks to be you, Misa! Turns out, you aren't the fairest one of all anymore! It's L! LOL! You got PWNED!" he laughed.
The mirror continued laughing while Misa fumed. If she wasn't the prettiest, then Light wouldn't love her anymore! (Not like he did already. It was all in her head.) So she stormed off and fetched the castle hunter, Matt, and ordered him to take L off into the woods and kill him, bringing back L's heart as proof. The hunter bowed before shuffling off to fulfill his queen's desires.
L hesitantly agreed to go along after Matt held out a compact mirror and showed L how sickly pale he'd become, arguing that it simply couldn't be healthy to sit inside all day every day. ("It's bad enough you're not sleeping! Seriously!" Matt exclaimed.) However, once they got into the forest and Matt noticed how not-deserving-of-death L was, he changed his mind and explained to L the queen's jealousy. L listened carefully and told the hunter to kill a sheep and give it's heart to Misa while L himself would stay in the woods to hide. Matt agreed and brought Misa the sheep heart.
When she saw the sheep heart, Misa screamed that it was disgusting and drippy before whacking it away where it splattered on Mello in a bloody mess. ("Oh, GROSS! Get over here you little -insert swear word here- and we'll see how 'fair' you are when you're BLACK AND -insert swear word here-ING BLUE!!" Mello had (loudly) protested while Misa and Matt fled the room in fear.)
Meanwhile, L had begun wandering around the forest in a search for a suitable home. It wasn't going well. It was a least a couple hours before he finally came upon a house. It was a bit short, but L's hunched stance allowed him to fit perfectly though the doorway. Inside, he was greeted by seven miniature old men with glasses and small grey moustaches who called themselves the Wataris. After L had explained his predicament, they all agreed to allow L to stay with them. So L stayed with the dwarves, helping them out whenever they needed some problem-solving advice (or couldn't reach a high up shelf).
Misa bounced about her castle with a joyful mood for the day, until she went back to Mello and asked who was fairest.
"It's L. He's still alive. And I'm not just saying that because you smacked a sheep heart into my incredibly sexy face," Mello replied, a look of disgust crossing his face at the mention of the sheep heart. Misa stared in shock for a moment, but was interrupted when she opened her mouth to speak.
"Yes, I am completely serious. Go plot evilly or something while I try to get this crap out of my hair," Mello sighed. Misa scurried off to plot evilly, as Mello had suggested.
After about an hour or two, Misa got the perfect idea. She ran down to the basement where all the wizards stored their potions and whatnot. Using one of the magical cookbooks, she conjured half a poisonous apple. The other half was safe.
After a quick costume and make-up change, she looked like a plain old beggar woman. Please with her appearance (and ignoring Mello's whining about his hair) she grabbed a basket of apples, one of which was the half-poisoned one, and skipped out of the palace and down towards the house of the seven Wataris (Mello had agreed to point her in the right direction if she gave him shampoo. She agreed.) All the Wataris were working in their mines so when she knocked on the door, it was L to answer. Misa stuck her foot in the doorway just before L re-closed the door.
"Please listen to my request, young man," Misa pleaded in her normal-civilian impression. "I am selling some nice apples. Would you care to buy one?"
"No," L replied as he tried to pull the door past Misa's foot. Misa frowned, then went to plan B.
"They're perfectly safe. Look, I'll eat one half and you'll know it's not poisoned," she reasoned, chopping the poisoned apple in half and eating the non-toxic portion. While doing so, she also broke off a small portion of the poisoned part.
As L was about to protest once more, Misa shoved the piece of poisoned apple down L's throat and made her escape as the prince coughed and hacked to get the apple piece out of his throat. Eventually, he suffocated and collapsed at the door. And that was right where the Wataris found him when they returned from work. Distraught, the tried everything to wake their friend back up. Cold water, shock therapy, even pain. But alas, nothing worked. So in order to preserve his memory, they placed L's body into a glass coffin so that when they visited each day they could see him.
After Misa had returned home, she ran up to her room to ask Mello who was fairest.
"You are, this time. Now shut up because I don't give a flying -insert swear word here- about your idiotic obsession," Mello snapped, rapidly pressing the keys of his cell phone. (He was text messaging Matt, in case you were wondering.) Misa squealed with delight and pranced off to visit Prince Light.
However, Prince Light wasn't in his castle at the time. He had gone out into the woods to walk and think about how he was supposed to make the hundreds of girls who bugged him each day leave him alone. Just as he was contemplating the cost of setting up an electrical fence, he came upon a glass case with someone inside of it. Curious as to why there was an unconscious man in a glass case, he carefully pulled the cover away and simply stared. This person seemed familiar...Wasn't this Prince L from the other kingdom? Someone had shown him a picture or something and suggested they be friends, but Light had been too busy with castle matters to visit.
And then, he got the most brilliant idea ever. If he married Prince L, then girls would stop bugging him! That was just insane enough to work!
Since he was so pleased with this idea, he bent over and kissed the other prince right on the lips (and LightxL fangirls cheered offstage). No one really knows how (the castle pharmacists said it could have been subconscious shock), but somehow, someway, the piece of poisoned apple got dislodged from L's throat and he sat up, pushing Light away and coughing to remove the obstruction that had kept him in some sort of temporary coma. Once he had caught his breath, he looked around, eventually settling to stare at Light. Light stared right back.
"...Wanna get married?" Light asked.
"Sure, Why not?" L shrugged.
So they both went back to Light's castle and arranged for the marriage. They lived happily ever after.
Misa brushed her hair as usual in the morning and asked Mello who was the fairest one of all. She was befuddled when Mello glanced at his computer and burst out laughing, neglecting to give her an answer. She got her answer when Matt (who was promoted to the position of royal messenger) handed her the invitation to the wedding of Prince Light and Prince L.
"Heh heh...Ice with that burn, Misa?" Mello snickered. "Serves you right for the sheep heart thing."
She reluctantly attended, bringing Matt along as her escort. Matt brought Mello since the mirror threatened to throw glass shards at him if he didn't get to come. Everyone at the party glared upon Misa's arrival, having already heard L's story (and they all remembered it due to how amazing it made their prince appear to be to have survived all that) and as punishment, Prince Light declared that she had to wear iron shoes that had been heated in the blacksmith's fire. Being that this was her love and idol Light, she put the shoes on, but soon hopped and ran and danced herself to death in the burning shoes.
After about thirty seconds of her dancing, Prince Light and Prince(ss) L both got bored and went back into Light's castle and to his bedroom to do stuff that you probably don't want to hear about.
Matt and Mello stuck around and watched the entire ordeal, the latter laughing his head off. As she bounced around, Matt turned to Mello and said,
"I think she really does need some ice with that burn."
A/N: Yes, I have very weird epilogues. The epilogue is where I stop making everything make sense. Oh, but there is a version of Snow White where the evil queen dies that way. Or, at least I've heard of it. Pretty sweet if you ask me.
-throws more confetti-