|Alucard Gets Horney!
Author: crusnik O2 PM
Things look bad when a Sugar-high Alucard finds Pip and mistakes him for a woman… but what will happen to poor Pip when Alucard starts feeling slightly… Horny… READ and find out! Please REVIEW! Better than it sounds…ONESHOTRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Drama - Words: 2,506 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 1 - Published: 03-29-08 - id: 4163812
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Summary- Things look bad when a Sugar-high Alucard finds Pip and mistakes him for a woman… but what will happen to poor Pip when Alucard starts feeling slightly… Horny… READ and find out! Please REVIEW! Better than it sounds…ONESHOT
Disclaimer- I do not own Hellsing or any of the characters, I just hold their sanity in my hands! MWUHAHAHAHA!! Tehe.
Warning- hasn't you people figured it out yet? I'm insane. O.o
Alucard Gets Horney!
Alucard snuck past the sleeping Walter, who at this point was taking a catnap in his rocking chair by the kitchen door. He gave a quick look back at the sleeping butler to make sure he didn't get caught and continued on his search for some blood, 'Freezer…where is that damn freezer…' he suddenly stopped and sniffed a few times before slowly turning his head to his left to see a tin can with the word 'SUGAR' neatly engraved into the can in elegant handwriting, 'ohhh…what is this delightful smell!?' Alucard wondered as he slowly and cautiously crept up to it as though Walter would catch him and hand him over to his master. And he didn't want that to happen.
Once he reached the jar he quickly looked back and forth and than snatched it from its spot on the counter and fazed back down into his room so fast you would have missed it if you blinked…
Walter's eyes shot open as he felt a cold feeling go past him, he looked back and forth slowly, searching for glowing eyes or some other hint that the vampire was there, but upon seeing no Alucard he brushed it off and slowly went back to sleep.
Alucard sat on his throne with his tin can of 'Sugar' placed gently on his lap as he examined it. So closely that the can was touching his nose as he tried to figure out how to get where that delicious smell was coming from…
"There has to be some way to get inside this thing…maybe I should ask Seras…NO! She'd turn me in to Master and I'd get in trouble like last time…" he winced as he remembered the pain from when Integra's silver ashtray collided with his head.
He slowly pulled the can away from his face to examine it from a different angle when he heard the door open and quickly hid the can in his trench coat as he glared at the intruding figure, "Master? Are you in here master?"
"What do you want Police girl?" Alucard hissed, as he held onto the can tighter, still glaring at his fledgling as she closed the door behind herself and walked up to Alucard biting her lip nervously.
"Umm…master…you see… its about…Pip…he…umm…" she trailed off, fidgeting nervously as she examined the ground.
"Get on with it so I can figure out how to open this damn thing!" Alucard barked as Seras nearly jumped right out of her skin in shock, but then got a quizzical look on her face.
"What thing, Master?"
"What do you mean what thin- oh…fuck…" Alucard slouched down in the throne as he let out a frustrated sigh, "Ill help you with your Pip-problem if you help me…got it Police Girl, and you CANNOT under any circumstances tell Sir Integra, Got it??"
"Got it. Now hurry up and help me!" Seras nearly screamed as she grabbed her master's hand and started to drag him out the door when she heard a 'thump' behind her. She stopped as Alucard jerked his hand out of hers, and turned around slowly to see a tin can rolling across the floor with her Master chasing after it trying desperately to catch it.
"Gah! Come back you stupid thing!!" Alucard chased it around his room until it came to a stop, "Haha! I got you n- 'THUMP' OWCHIE!!"
Seras stared with a blank face as she watched her master run head first into a wall, fall to the floor landing on his ass with his head in his hands, and then finally he snatched the can and put it in his pocket before standing up, clearing his throat and brushing himself off he walked past Seras and said as if nothing had just happened, "Well, lets get going shall we?"
She stood there in shock for a moment before shaking her head and running after her Master, "Wait up!"
Alucard suddenly stopped and Seras ran right into his back, "Police girl… I almost forgot, open this for me, and then I help you." He turned around and handed her the can that he had been chasing only a few minutes ago.
Seras took the can and quickly looked for the label, when she found it she nearly dropped it from shock…what was her master doing with something like this!? Sighing she quickly opened it and handed it to him remembering that she needed his help.
Alucard greedily snatched the can from his servants hands and put it up to his nose taking a deep breath, breathing in every ounce of that sweet smell that he could, after breathing out he stuck his mouth to the side of it and tipped it upwards swallowing all of the contents in a few quick gulps listing to Seras say what she needed help with, "Master, its Pip, he's chasing me again and its getting more…you know… umm… how do I say this… stalker like… anyway, think you could get him to stay away from me?? At least for today… master? What are you doing?"
Alucard's eye started to twitch as the can fell to the ground empty; Seras noticed that he looked hypnotized and that he also looked even more insane than usual…
"Master, Master are you alright??" she walked up to him and started to gently shake him by the shoulders, "Master, snap out of it!"
All of the sudden a low growl escaped Alucard's mouth and Seras let go of him, jumping back as her master transformed into a Hellhound and ran up the stairs with wide, crazy eyes and his signature grin plastered onto his face as his tail wagged back and forth excitedly.
Seras just stared helplessly after her master when panic overwhelmed her, "Pip! Oh no! MASTER, STOP!! Come back!!"
Alucard dashed through the halls with his tail waging behind him. As he whipped around the corner and came face to leg with a person walking down the hall; he fell back and shook his head before glancing up at the none-too-thrilled looking Walter, "Hello Alucard. What, may I ask, are you doing?"
Alucard just looked up at him, barked a greeting, and then ran around him and kept on down the long halls searching for the Captain of the Wild Geese, Pip.
Walter just turned around and mumbled, "Well that was random…" he then scratched his head and shrugged about to continue his walk when yet another figure bumped into him.
"Ah! Walter! I'm so sorry! I didn't see you here and…" Seras trailed off but recovered quickly as she remembered what she was doing, "Have you seen Master!? He's going after Pip, and I think he might kill him! Oh please tell me you saw him, I cant find him anywhere!"
Walter turned and pointed towards where Alucard had run and said, "He went that way, I don't know what he was doing though, he was even in his hellhound form…Seras?" He turned back around to Find Seras gone, when he looked back the other way he saw her figure fading into the darkness, "Oh well… better go warn Integra…"
"What do you mean he found the sugar!?" Integra's voice nearly shrieked in panic as she stood up from her desk and slammed her hands down so fast she didn't even realize she did it until the pain settled in, "Ow, god damn it…"
Walter had a look of concern and worry on his face as he replied, "I mean just that, I'm afraid Sir… as I was walking here I found an empty sugar can on the floor, and Alucard had seemed a little… more insane than usual… also Miss. Victoria was looking for him saying something about him Killing Pip. Sir, are you alright?"
Integra slowly rustled through the drawer for her cigars. Once she found the box, she quickly grabbed one and lit it while walking out of the room with Walter not far behind her, "I swear that vampire is going to be locked up if he keeps doing this!"
Walter just smiled as he chuckled lightly.
"What the hell is so funny??"
"Nothing at all, Sir…"
"By the way Walter, we don't happen to have…a sycward here…do we?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Oh…I'm just curious…"
"Yes, actually, we do have one… we used to put Alucard in it all the time when I was younger…"
"Good. Looks like Alucard will be having more fun that he thought tonight…"
"Did I mention he hates it in there?"
Alucard walked around the corner as he slowly started transforming back into his vampire form, his blood-shot blood red eyes insanely glanced back and forth as he tilted his head up and started to sniff the air for any trace of Pip's sent. Catching a whiff of Pip, Alucard got down on all fours and transformed back into a dog as he sniffed along the floor, following the smell of smoke, gunpowder…and dirty, sweaty… underwear…Ew. He crinkled his nose is disgust as he continued to follow the trail.
Seras ran down the hallway in panic as she dodged the maids and servants walking around doing their daily chores, 'Master…Where are you…?' she thought to herself as she heard someone yelling in near hysteria up ahead. She sweat dropped and then took off running towards the sound.
Alucard was walking through the halls when he spotted a beautiful woman that he had never seen before, forgetting about Pip he slowly transformed back into his vampire form and walked up to the un-expecting 'woman' putting an arm around 'her' shoulder while grinning like a mad man, "Why hello there sexy, where have you been all my un-life??"
The 'woman' stared at him in complete shock and detest as 'she' nearly yelled in a man like voice as 'she' smacked him on the head, "What the fuck' your problem man!?"
Alucard just shook his head to clear the dizziness and purred seductively, "Feisty… I love that in a woman…" as he pushed 'her' against the wall and began to nuzzle 'her' neck.
The 'woman' just hit him on the head again and this time did yell, "What the fuck you on, you big red git! I ain't no woman!!"
Alucard just looked at 'her' in shock and said, "But your hair's so long and prettyful!"
"Alucard you're an idiot!"
"Ohhh, why do you know my name and yet… I don't know yours??"
"You do know my name! Its PIP you idiot! P.I.P Pip!"
"But Pips ugly and smelly, you're pretty and fragrant!" He grinned.
"That ain't me, that's Seras's perfume! I got me the manly man smell!"
"Ya, the disgusting manly man smell," came a voice from behind them, "Master, what are you doing?? I just asked you to get him to leave me alone, not flirt with him."
"HIM?? I thought she was a woman… Police girl! Get me more sugar!"
"But master! I-" she was cut off as another voice entered the room.
"I think you've had enough Sugar, Alucard. Walter, restrain him."
"Yes Sir." With that Walter's wires shot out from his gloves wrapping them around Alucard body and knocking him to the floor with a 'thunk.'
Alucard struggled against the restraints as Walter dragged him down the hallway, "Ack! Let me go!"
"Haha. Just like old times huh buddy?" Laughed Walter as he continued to drag him away.
Alucard, confused, read Walters mind to find out what was so funny… he screamed at the top of his lungs… "WAIT! NO! NOT THERE! ANYWHERE BUT THERE!! NOOOOOOOO!! MASTER!! HELP ME!! AHHHH!!"
Seras's eyes widened as she shuddered, "Sir… where is he taking him??"
She just chuckled as she said, "Lets just say… The place doesn't hold the fondest memories for him…" and with that she walked down the hall after Walter, "And Miss. Victoria, I want to see you in my office tonight…"
Sears gulped, "Yes sir…" She turned to Pip to find him petrified on the floor from everything that just happened, she bent down to his level and said, "Now you know how I feel…" with that she got back up and walked away.
Walter smirked as he turned the key to the door, locking Alucard inside, "Have fun in there pal." And with that he laughed and walked away.
Alucard sat in the middle of the white room with wide-eyes rocking back and forth in a ball, wearing a straightjacket, mumbling over and over again, "I'm in my happy place… I'm in my happy place…I'm in my happy place…"
"Hiii Mister Alucard…Wont you come and play with me??" came a high-pitched squeaky voice form beside him; he slowly turned his head to see a chocolate bunny staring at him, resting against the wall in the corner of the room. He screamed. He tried as hard as he could to wiggle his way over to the opposite side of the room and huddle against the padded white walls away from the 'evil bunny.'
AN- ok I know it was fucked up…but it made you laughs right?? I might write more if I have the time, only if people want me to… please review, it means a lot to me to know what people think of the messed up shit that goes on in my head…
Also if you have an idea that you want me to write a sugar-fic about, just send me a PM or tell me in a review, and I will see to trying to write it, I have a week off school for spring break and having something to do will keep me from going insane… well getting more insane, and believe it or not I wrote this while not on a sugar-high.
This Fic was dedicated to my friend Selene08 I think thats how you spell it, hope you liked it Liz!
First Hellsing fic! WOOT!! So tell me what cha think
PS- thanks to WinterShadow for going over it and making sure I didnt have any spelling mistakes! :D you rock! huggles then runs away as fast as she can