|July Fools Day?
Author: TeamEdwardCullen8208 PM
Despite Edwards warning, Bella insists on coming over on the Vampire version of April Fools Day. Will the Cullens take advantage of poor, clumsy, unsuspecting Bella? Of course! NOW COMPLETE, SEQUEL NOW UP!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 14 - Words: 30,294 - Reviews: 376 - Favs: 294 - Follows: 122 - Updated: 04-26-08 - Published: 03-30-08 - Status: Complete - id: 4166565
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
DISCLAIMER-No, I don't own Twilight. Or any of it's characters. If I did, do you think I'd be sitting at my computer right now?
My first fanfiction. Reviews would be appreciated.
As I drove my truck slowly down the winding driveway, I began to get nervous. Today was July seventeenth, a day Edward had warned me about.
"Please, Bella. I am telling you that one more day away from me will not kill you. And a day here might. The 17th is the vampire version of April Fools Day." His velvet voice purred though the speaker of my newly acquired cell phone. "I'll come to see you tomorrow, I swear on my life... Well, that won't work." He muttered to himself. " I swear on our love that I will come see you as soon at it's safe for you."
"Oh, come on Edward. I'm sure no one will even bother playing a prank on me. The unsuspecting human? It's too easy. They'd get bored." I tried to convince myself while reassuring him.
"I think that you are proving my point exactly." He sighed. He could hear the whine of my trucks engine from inside his house by now. I was sure of it.
"You've been gone for three days, and I can't wait to see you anymore. Unless, of course, you come to Charlie's for the day. We can avoid the clan for the day. I can drive you back tomorrow. Charlie's already at work." I tried to purr provocatively. I failed, ending up sounding completely absurd. The evening after Edward had tried to seduce me in the meadow, and hours of suggestive kissing, I had changed my mind. Unfortunately for me, so had Edward.
"Ah, Bella. How I wish it were that simple. Being around you is not safe. Not today. Please, turn around. Go home. I'm begging you, love." He sounded utterly defeated as he heard my truck's engine slow.
"Sorry. Gasoline is too expensive and someone once told me that the wasting of finite resources is everyone's business."
"Why must you remember everything I say?" He asked me as he walked out onto the expansive porch. I hopped from the truck and jogged into him open arms.
"Because you're my everything." I said as I stretched up onto the tips of my toes to kiss him. He kissed me hard, or as hard as he really could under his strict rules. There was an odd edge to the way he kissed me. It reminded me of the kisses I'd received when I was in emanate danger. Then again, according to Edward, I was.
"You asked for this." He muttered as we walked into the house arm in arm. I noticed something different immediately. A breeze. I turned around, though I was sure I'd heard Edward shut the door. He looked down into my eyes from a moment, then chuckled and pointed across the room. A Jasper-sized hole had been punched through the glass on the south wall, and a very peeved looking Jasper marched though it.
"EMMETT!" He roared, stomping loudly up the stairs. I realized that he was marching in such a way as to frighten Emmett, not to just charge him.
"Could we halt the pranks for a moment, please?" Edward said a little louder than usual. This was probably so that he could be heard over the ruckus that was occurring on the second floor landing. "I'd like to speak to everyone for a moment."
Carlisle appeared first, poking his head around the kitchen door. He glanced shiftily around the room for a moment before emerging, hugging the wall as he shuffled toward us. His expression was not one of fear, but of alertness and excitement. Alice appeared seconds later, vibrating like a tuning fork when she skidded to a halt in front of us.
Edward's arm tightened reflexively around me when we heard Emmett's booming laughter echo from
somewhere upstairs. Esme whirled quickly down the steps, holding out her arms.
"I would suggest moving. Quickly." Her voice was strained. A deafening clatter rang out upstairs, followed by the thundering sound of something sliding down the stairs. Rosalie flew past us, missing me my inches. The bright green sled beneath her scraped against the polished wood floor as she blew past. Her elegant white arm shot out, hooking around Esme's leg. At first, I feared that Esme would be taken by the speed. Instead, I watched as Rosalie's arm acted as a tether. The sled whirled in a circle around Esme's legs before slowly decelerating. When the spinning had stopped, the shrieking started.
"WHO'S BRILLIANT IDEA WAS THIS?" She stormed. "Emmett, I swear, if this was you, you'll regret it. You'll regret it for the next two weeks!"
Emmett appeared in a flash of hulking white. "It wasn't me! It wasn't me! Please! Not two weeks! You know I wouldn't do this! Please!" He fell to his knees beside her. She still sat in the sled, apparently super glued to the spot. I watched as she tried to lift her legs, only to have to sled lift along with them.
"Get. Me. New. Pants." She snarled at him. He disappeared up the staircase, narrowly missing Jasper, who was now covered in a suspicious purple substance. I didn't need his emotional ESP to know he was angry. He glared around the room, watching his family with wariness and distaste. When Emmett returned, Edward cleared his throat.
"I would like to set a couple of ground rules." He raised a long white hand to stifle Emmett's protest. "I'd like to remind everyone that Bella is human. She therefore would not survive a trip through the glass or a ride down the stairs on a sled. His eye's flickered to Esme when he mentioned the sled, and Rosalie didn't miss it. She placed her hands on the floor and scooted herself away from her traitorous mother, who was now smiling down at her sheepishly.
"If you feel the need to play any pranks on Bella, I ask that you please avoid anything that involves physical comedy. It would be greatly appreciated." The last line sounded less like 'It would be greatly appreciated' and more like 'if you appreciate all of your limbs, you won't oppose me'. "Do I have everyone's word?"
They all nodded quickly before disappearing again, with exception to Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett had shifted to block our view of Rosalie as she changed. I felt Edward cringe beside me, and I looked into his ocher eyes. He looked at me for a moment before turning towards Emmett.
"Could you please at least try to keep your thoughts PG-rated, or at least somewhere below NC-17?" He groaned. "She's my sister for God's sake. I don't need to see that."
A wicked grin spread across his face, and he shut his eyes. He looked as if he was concentrating as hard as he could, or that he was severely constipated. Since I knew it could not have been the latter, I watched him, unknowing. He whispered something to Rosalie, and the same look sprang to her face. I looked back to Edward and blushed a violent red. The look in his eye was of hunger. But it was not the hunger that should bring fear to my heart. It was the kind that sent the right kind of shivers down my spine. He shook his head suddenly.
"La la la la la la la la. I can not hear you." He scooped me into his arms and sprinted up the stairs with blinding speed. The door kicked closed behind us, and he set me down on the floor quickly. "Stay." He commanded. I tried to be as statue-still as he could be, to little avail.
He moved around the room, whistling past me as he checked for every booby-trap possible. When he was satisfied that nothing would come crashing from the ceiling or zinging from the closet, he lifted me again and deposited me on the bed. The comforter made an odd squelching sound when I settled into it, and I instantly felt the wetness seep through my clothes.
"Edward." I groaned. I grabbed to corner of the comforter and made a show of wringing it out. He eyes flashed with amusement and annoyance.
"So the games begin." He murmured to himself. "Would you mind sitting here while I do a little reconnaissance work on who exactly it was that popped my waterbed?"
"No, I don't mind." I giggled to myself. " Boy am I glad I came over. I wouldn't want to miss this for the world."
"You say that now, love. But this is only the tip of the iceberg. It is barely sun-up." He glanced out the window at the stray rays of sunlight that had broken through the clouds.
"So, what were Emmett and Rosalie thinking a second ago?"
"You're going to be embarrassed." He told me.
"It's alright. Just tell me."
"Are you sure?"
"Alright, fine. Emmett was thinking about what it would be like for me to have sex with you."
"Do you remember being at a dress fitting about a week ago?"
"Do you remember stripping down in front of Alice and Rosalie?"
I blushed violently. "NOT COOL GUYS. NOT COOL!" I shouted down the stairs at them. I heard a chorus of laughter from the first floor, and growled.
"I told you you didn't want to know." he smiled. He kissed me deeply for a moment, then ghosted into the hallway.
Seconds after Edward had exited, Alice danced lithely into the room. I shied away. If any of the Cullens were planning to play a prank on me, it would be Alice or Emmett. She seemed giddy at my reaction, patting my head reassuringly.
"No need to fret, Bella dearest, I hate today. I think the pranks are childish and barbaric. Everyone else seems to love it, though. Outsmarting other people with underhanded ploys is beneath me. Besides, I see everything that's coming anyways." She giggled, tapping her temple.
"So what do you do all day while they plot?"
"It depends. Sometimes I hunt. That's harder to get away with when Jasper is less involved than he is this year. Usually, he won't let me hunt alone. Other times, I chat online with random strangers. Sometimes I smuggle the TV up to my room and watch reruns of The Real World on TiVo. It all depends on what I see beforehand. OOH! Since you don't want to be a part of it either, we could go shopping!"
"No, Alice. No shopping. The threat of the seventh circle of hell could not get me to go shopping with you." Her face fell as I said the words.
"Well fine. If that's how it is…" She stalked out of the room before finishing her sentence.
Aw. Crap. "Alice? Alice, I'm sorry!" I called after her. When she didn't return, I walked into the hallway to find her and apologize. What I did not expect was what awaited me on the other side of the door.
A bucket full of a yellowy beige slime splashed across the left side of my body. I saw Alice's inky black hair streak past me toward the stair case, and I reached out futilely to grab her. I raced down the stairs behind her, trying to be as careful and swift as I could. I watched my feet intently as to not slip and give Edward a reason to kill Alice. That's probably why I didn't see Jasper until it was too late.
"NOW!" Alice screamed from somewhere on the first floor. I stopped, confused by her command. My momentary confusion gave Jasper the perfect opportunity. He lifted a cardboard box from behind the doorframe to his and Alice's room and dumped it on me. Before my mind could even register what had happened. I was covered in a nice coating of glue and feathers.
"ALICE!" I bellowed. "I AM ABOSLUTELY POSITIVELY GOING TO KI-…AM GOING TO HAVE EDWARD KILL YOU!!" I heard her giggle from the first floor, and I pivoted on my heel to face Jasper. "AND YOU! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" I saw the look in his eye, and knew what was coming next.
"DON'T YOU DARE TRY AND MAKE ME HAPPY!! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!" I shouted as I marched back up the stairs to Edward's room. I found him seated on the sofa, stifling his laughter when I walked in.
"Oh, so this is funny?" I arched an eyebrow at him. He rose from the couch and gathered me into his arms before settling back on the couch.
"As a matter of fact, I think this is hilarious." He said as he leaned in for a kiss. I turned my face away, he kiss landing on my cheek. I had meant to deter him, but instead had facilitated something else. I warred with myself on whether to stop and yell at him some more, or let the yelling wait until later. One thing was for sure. There would be some yelling.
My less moral self won in the end, and Edward and I focused on nothing other than each other for the next half an hour. We may have stayed longer if Edward's hand had not become completely entangled in my gluey hair. We got to spend the next hour after that trying to wash the glue out of my hair while trying to keep my feathery clothes dry. When I felt that I sufficient amount of glue had been removed, we ventured back to the couch and plotted our retaliation.
"Alice will pay." I growled the best I could.
"Damn right she will. No one makes my Bella look like poultry." Edward said, grinning.
"And Jasper too. He was half of the problem."
"So, my immortal, ingenious, impossibly beautiful love, what is our plan of attack?"
He rolled his eyes. "Well, my clumsy, spastic and insanely gorgeous fiancé, I believe that we should focus on only one of the two. You see, an unhappy Alice makes for an unhappy Jasper."
"Ah, I knew there was a reason I loved you." I kissed the place behind his ear that sent chills down my spine when he did it to me. I suspected that the chills would not be as powerful on him, seeing as he was already operating on a body temperature of around 32 degrees. Nevertheless, he shivered.
"Bella, I thought you wanted to attack Alice, not me." He chuckled. He captured my face in his hands and kissed me passionately. I felt my cheeks warm under his hands, and he kissed me harder in response. I luxuriated in the moment, though it ended too soon. A knock on the door ended things much sooner that I had hoped.
"What are you kids doing in there?" I heard Emmett's voice from the hallway.
"Nothing that doesn't need interrupting. Come on in." Edward said quietly. I scowled at him, sliding off of his lap. He walked over to his bedside table and knelt gracefully, rifling through the drawer. "Ah ha!" His arm extended outward, showing a patching kit for the bed.
"Bella? Would you do me a favor?" His velvet voice asked.
"Would you find the hole in the mattress? I believe that it will only be pin-sized, so it will be rather difficult for you to find. I would help, but I need to go repay Rosalie for her trickery."
"Hey, hold it right there brother. You'd better not break our bed in any way, or I won't hesitate to flatten you." Emmett growled at him.
"No worries." Edward grinned my favorite crooked grin, then appeared in front of me at vampire speed, kissed me, and disappeared before I could bat an eye. Frowning, I marched over to the bed and began pulling the sopping sheets off and unzipping the soggy cover. All of the fabric must have weighed a ton. I tried to shift it across the bed, but it was just too heavy for my human strength.
"Uh, Emmett? A little help?"
He laughed boisterously, then flicked the soaked fabric back. Stupid vampires with their stupid super strength. I pondered the best way to find the hole that would keep me the driest. I realized that I was already soaked anyway, and just went for the easiest plan. I flung myself onto the center of the water mattress and rolled around, looking for a spout of water as my clue. But I encountered a problem. I was not heavy enough to make the water shoot out. I tried standing and bouncing, but that didn't work either. I did, however succeed in covering the hysterical Emmett in water from all of my splashing.
"Hey, could you jump up here too? It'd be way easier to find this hole if I had some extra power up here." I asked him.
"Aw, the poor human needs help again? OK." He hopped onto the bed and patted the top of my head. I scowled at him.
"Hilarious. Those jokes never get old, you know."
"You know I was only kidding Bells." He grinned goofily at me as he bounced.
"You know what will be funny? When Edward finally gets over this whole stupid 'It steals your soul' phase and changes me, I am totally going to be able to kick your butt. Now jump harder. I still can't see anything."
A wicked grin spread across Emmett's face for the second time today, and he crouched low. Then, with all of his superhuman might, he sprang towards the ceiling. He unfurled in mid-air, and connected with the mattress with a loud THWACK noise. The force of his landing catapulted me off of the bed and sent me spinning across the room to connect with the floor on the opposite side of the room.
Just before my face would have connected with the carpeting, I felt something grab a hold of the waistband of my jeans and the back of my tee shirt, saving me from a broken nose and a painful landing.
"EMMETT!!" I screamed. He set me gently onto the carpet, and I flipped over and stood as quickly as I could. I swung my arm around, hitting his shoulder will all my might. Luckily, he dodged out of the way fast enough that only my middle finger broke on impact.
"SHIT! Bella? Are you OK? Oh shit. Edward is going to kill me. CARLISLE!" He sprinted to the door to call for his father, then re-materialized by my side, cradling my hand in his. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit."
"Emmett, what seems to be the problem?" Carlisle's voice sounded from the doorway.
"Bella hit me."
"I'd suggest you disappear for a little while Emmett. Edward is going to be furious."
"Furious about what?" Edward had returned, and for some odd reason was holding a wrench. That could not be good.
"Edward, I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry."
"You didn't mean to what?" He said, appearing at my side, already glowering at him.
"It's my fault. I hit him." I mumbled, staring at the carpet and cradling my hand.
"Let me see your hand Bella." Carlisle's cold fingers probed the hand gingerly. I cringed. Edward's fingers caught under my chin, forcing me to look at him.
"What did he do, love?"
"We were trying to find the hole in the mattress, and he accidentally bounced me off the bed. I got mad, and I tried to hit him." I said, waiting for the fury. Instead, Edward began laughing hysterically. Carlisle reached into his bag and pulled out a finger splint.
"If you want this to be healed by the wedding, you're going to have to be very, very careful. And no more punching vampires." Carlisle told me before he left. Edward turned to face Emmett, and a grin twisted to his beatific face.
"You get to tell Alice."
Sorry about the cliffhanger. I'm already plotting poor Emmett cowering in fear of little Alice. Teehee.