DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

This story can be seen as an alternate ending to my series Falling For You, or a stand-alone oneshot. Based on the song Gone Forever by Three Days Grace. Random one-off use of Lights japanese name (raito) but you'll understand why when you read that part.

Holding back tears, L downed his fifth bottle of vodka. He called over Watari, requesting another. The old man shook his head sadly, but went to fetch the liquor nonetheless.

L rested his head against the table, groaning. He always got drunk at this table, because it held so many memories. There was that time, for example, when he and Light had shared a special dinner together here; that was the night Light had confessed his feelings for the detective. That night also held another significant item which L held on to – vodka. He and Light had played a drinking game with vodka, and it was the only alcohol L would drink now.

A drunken smile spread across L’s face, remembering the cute way Light had blushed in the dim light…

Watari reappeared at that moment, holding a bottle of vodka. L opened it and took a swig.

Stupid Ryuzaki just had to fall in love with that annoying teen, didn’t he? He had planned his whole future out in his head, but of course everything involved Light. Then Light had gone away, crushing all his hopes and dreams. The detective couldn’t even rebuild them, because without the idiotic boy by his side, there wasn’t really a point to it.

Those sweet dreams; L had held on to them so persistently. Him and Light, together forever. What hurt the most was that he knew it could have been; knowing that L had been so close and yet so, so far. But in those special moments where L’s lips would touch Light’s, he’d been content. Time would stop ticking by, the world would stop spinning.

But then Light just had to turn all evil and be Kira, didn’t he? The fucking bastard tore L’s heart to pieces. L supposed the world was better off without vermin like Light wasting precious air.

Stupid Yagami Light.

Stupid Kira.

Stupid fucking L…

Don’t know what’s going on,
Don’t know what went wrong.
Feels like a hundred years I
Still can’t believe you’re gone.
So I’ll stay up all night
With these blood-shot eyes
While these walls surround me
With the story of our life.

Why had he fallen in love with Kira? Why? Why had he given his heart to the one person who so desperately wanted it to stop beating?

L smirked. Kira hadn’t killed him, that was true; but Light had.

Something had died with Light that day. L had always been a cold, hard person, but this was something different; something stronger.

It had started small at first, like a little ice cube in his stomach, maybe. He ended the Kira investigation and sat inside all day, staring blankly at the computer. Then the ice cube had grown a little bit. He’d stopped talking to Watari, and when he did it was only to ask for something. Slowly his insides had turned to ice. He stopped eating the sweets that he had been so fond of. He stopped biting his finger. When he sat in his strange, fetal position, he’d curl up even more, gripping his stomach as though he could hold together the torn pieces of himself.

He’d been turned to ice. The peaks of his internal glaciers had rubbed at his heart a little at first, leaving scratches. The ice had torn away at the skin at a painfully slow pace. Then the sharp edges started poking against the organ. Each day as the glaciers grew a little taller, they pierced his heart more and more until, eventually, he didn’t have a heart. All that was left was an empty cavity filled with faded memories and shattered dreams.

But still, L told himself. Life is better without Light. No whining, or moaning going on. No one pestering me about stuff. Life is great without him. I’m better off. L kept telling himself that it was true. It was. He didn’t miss the teen, he didn’t want him back. Not at all.

I feel so much better
Now that you’re gone forever.
I tell myself that I don’t
Miss you at all.
Not lying, denying,
That I feel so much better
Now that you’re gone forever.

After two weeks without Light, L was a broken man. When he realized he was past the point of repair, after fourteen days of waking up and expecting the teen to be beside him, he turned to alcohol.

Alcohol…my saviour.

L sighed. The liquor took the pain away. After an hour or so, L couldn’t remember why he was drinking, or why he was sad. In fact, by that stage, he wasn’t even sure if he was sad. All he could recall where a few distorted memories, and when he awoke, the whole night was a blur.

Insomnia. Another thing that Light had took from him. The first night after Light had committed suicide because he couldn’t ‘put L through any more pain’, L had crawled into a little ball beside the dead body and cried himself to sleep.

Every night after that, the same thing happened. After he’d gotten utterly smashed, he’d creep into his bed and let the pain overtake him. He’d scream and he’d sob, he’d cry and he’d yell. He’d punch the pillows and rip through the sheets with his teeth.

And then, with a final shudder or convulsion, L would settle down. He’d drift into an uneasy sleep. Then the nightmares would begin.

Of course, his nightmares weren’t really scary. It was nothing that would scare a normal person – no monsters, no blood, no murder weapons, no stalkers. But every night L would wake up screaming.

Now things are coming clear,
And I don’t need you here.
And in this world around me,
I’m glad you disappeared.
So I’ll stay out all night,
Get drunk and fuck and fight.
Until the morning comes I’ll
Forget about our life.

Ryuzaki saw himself walking through a dark street. He’d stand in front of a grave marked Yagami Light, and the rain would start pouring down, perfectly disguising his tears.

But then, when he turned around, Light was there; Standing there, smiling sadly with pained eyes. L recalled that expression perfectly - the last one his lover had worn before he killed himself. Light would wrap his arms around L.

“I love you, Ryuzaki.” He would murmur. L would begin to say, “I love-”, but then Light would disappear. Light’s last forty seconds of life were replayed in the detective’s head every night. And it killed him, it really did; because although there were millions of things L hadn’t gotten to say, there was one thing he really wished he had said.

Even if the stupid teen knew it, L had never actually said I love you. Those three unspoken words had been etched into his very soul, and they tore apart viciously at the small parts of L not already completely ruined.

What if I’d told him I loved him? Would he still have killed himself? What if he knew how much I cared? Would he still have left me alone? What if he knew how much he’d changed me? Would he still be able to bear leaving me?

That was the hard part; dealing with the what-ifs. They ran circles in L’s mind, tormenting him with the possible futures he could’ve have.

What if I let him be free? What if I tore up that stupid Note? What if I told him not to write his name? Would it have turned out like this?

L doubted he’d ever recover from his heart-break. He wished a truck would just hurry up and run over him already! But of course, he never went outside, so that was impossible.

Terrorists could drop bombs on his building, or…or some crazy man could set fire to the place. Anything, really – as long as his miserable existence was ended at last.

Peace. That was all the detective wanted, really. He could deal with all this crap if he was allowed to rest in pieces. But no, every night Light visited him in his dreams. Every day Light haunted his thoughts. Every where, he was reminded of the life he used to have…

But still, L told himself. Life is better without Light. No whining, or moaning going on. No one pestering me about stuff. Life is great without him. I’m better off. L kept telling himself that it was true. It was. He didn’t miss the teen, he didn’t want him back. Not at all.

I feel so much better
Now that you’re gone forever.
I tell myself that I don’t
Miss you at all.
Not lying, denying,
That I feel so much better
Now that you’re gone forever.

L spotted something moving in his peripheral vision. With a gasp, he jumped up, vodka still in hand.

“L-Light-chan?”

Indeed, it was Light. The teen smiled, and walked into the kitchen. L eagerly followed him. He rounded the corner, and saw the strangest thing. Ryuzaki was pinned against the wall and Light was hungrily devouring his mouth.

But…I’m here. Why am I there? There’s not two of me…

L ignored that thought, though, because he remembered this day. It had been long, long ago; after the first night he and Light had slept together. The teen had made out with him in the kitchen, and Matsuda had walked in on them.

Just like his memory, Light walked away from Ryuzaki. As the teen left, the second L faded away. Ryuzaki followed the teen, who was walking out of the kitchen now.
His lover made his way to the living room. The detective saw Light pinned underneath another L. The second L was lying on top his lover, eating a banana. Ryuzaki smiled – he remembered this day clearly, too.

But the second L disappeared, and Light got up, walking away again. This time he made his way to their bedroom. L walked in, and it was like walking into a cinema. All around him, memories were being replayed by clones of Light and L.

One Light was being pinned against the bedroom door by a desperate L. Light pushed the detective away gently, and the image faded. There was Light and L against the wardrobe – the teen pulling agitatedly at L’s shirt. There was L in the bathroom doorway, being held against Light’s chest. Inside the bathroom, Ryuzaki could see himself and Light kissing passionately in the shower. In the far corner of the room, he could see Light and himself in one of their numerous physical fights. Light launched a punch at the detective who stumbled backwards, and the image faded like all the others were slowly beginning to.

Finally L’s eyes turned to their bed. Light was sitting on the edge across from Ryuzaki. He was writing something in a black book.

Oh no… Ryuzaki realized too late what he was witnessing.

Ra-i-to Ya-ga-mi…

L launched at Light, but his fingers clutched at nothing and the teen faded away. L turned to see himself curled in a ball on the bed.

First time you screamed at me
I should’ve made you leave.
I should’ve known it could be so much better.
I hope you’re missing me,
I hope I’ve made you see
That I’m gone forever.

A cry of anguish tearing itself from L’s lips, the detective launched at the Ryuzaki-clone sitting on the bed. His hands punched and smashed against everything he could find.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP HIM? WHY? WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU LOVED HIM? YOU’RE STUPID! YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT! YOU’RE…”

Ryuzaki paused, noticing the blood dripping from his knuckles. There was nobody there; the detective was repeatedly punching the now-broken headboard. Splinters of wood were breaking off in his hands.

With a wail, L crumpled onto the bed. His hands clenched into fists, pulling angrily at the already torn sheets. L curled into a ball, as always. He pulled his arms around his knees, tears and blood mixing.

His sobbing continued for hours, but there was nobody to comfort him anymore.

His tears continued to run, but there was nobody to wipe them away anymore.

A shiver racked L’s lithe body, and he finally settled into sleep. This same pattern of hallucination had continued every night to date, but L never remembered what had happened when morning came. And always, always L followed the teen. Always L started to unconsciously hope that finally he was going to be saved.

L was holding out for an angel. There was never a reply from the sky, but he just kept looking up. Because one day Light would save him, just like he had before.

And now it’s coming clear
That I don’t need you here.
And in this world around me,
I’m glad you disappeared.

A/N: Please review, guys! I like how it turned out, but i'd like your opinions XD

And yes, i did purposely repeat the paragraph before each chorus, the idea being that L keeps trying to convince himself he's fine without Light, when he's really a complete and utter wreck.