Well when you go

Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay.

And maybe when you get back

I'll be off

To find another way...

"I love you," Hakkai panted, pillowing his head on my chest and curling against my side in a way that was so sweet, it made me want to retch at the unfairness of it all.

I took some small consolation in that I could still feel his heartbeat hammering in his chest against my ribs. Somehow, it didn't feel the same as it did a few short months ago. He didn't respond the same way when I told him he was beautiful. He wouldn't spend those quiet, intimate moments with me in bed, just touching - knowing it wouldn't lead to sex. I learned so much about him in those moments together; I learned every ticklish spot (his feet were the most sensitive), every hard plane and smooth curve. I learned just the way to kiss him so he could barely catch his breath. I learned how sensitive that scar was, and how self-conscious he was that people would see it and know what it meant. Back then, he didn't hide things from me.

If only things were that simple, now.

I tugged him up slowly, gently. His lips met mine and I kissed him in the way I'd never kissed anyone else, because no one else ever responded to my touch the way Hakkai did. Not a single one of my lovers had ever been so responsive - not even Kaede.

Not even Kaede could break me as severely as Hakkai had.

I kissed him more passionately, pouring my heart into the single kiss. His lips moved back lazily against mine, completely lacking the desperate fever I felt. I bit back the tears, refusing to let them fall. Hakkai didn't need to see anymore of my weakness; he was already tasting it on my tongue. He could tell how desperate of a plea I made just by this kiss alone. I didn't even need to tell him in words.

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading

So sick and tired of all the needless beating

But baby when they knock you

Down and out is where you oughta stay.

When after all the blood that you still owe

Another dollar's just another blow

So fix your eyes and get up

Better get up while you can.

When you go

Would you even turn to say:

I don't love you

Like I did yesterday.

When I pulled back, he curled back up against my chest, eyelids heavy over emerald gems. He stared lazily at me, flashing me that same comforting smile that, when we first met - during that first month we spent together as roommates, friends, lovers - was all I needed to remind me why life was worth living. Now it just made me feel cold and empty. Lifeless. We both knew there was no emotion - no spark - behind our actions anymore. We were playing at being lovers even though his heart had already moved on beyond our crumbling romance. I'd seen him flirting with Yaone...I wasn't blind. Dokugakuji had tried to occupy me with sparring matches to keep my eyes off them, but I'd seen. I knew. I knew, and he still lied to me every night - every time we touched like this.

It's sickening.

"I love you," He mumbled sleepily, but the statement never reached his eyes as they fluttered shut. I didn't bother responding to him; he appeared to have already fallen asleep.

We both knew he wasn't.

"...I love you, too." I whispered back in the silence of the dark room.

We both knew that wasn't really what we meant to say to each other.

We both knew that we were really saying "goodbye."

...When you go

Would you have the guts to say?

"I don't love you

Like I loved you

Yesterday."

Word Count: 660
Sha Gojyo and Cho Hakkai are characters of Saiyuki, (c) Kazuya Minekura. Song lyrics used are from "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance. Kikukawa Kaede is (c) CAELWIT.