Save Me from Myself

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that are recognizable. Some are my own creation but the majority of the characters of this story do not belong to me. I also do not own any of the songs and lyrics that might appear throughout this story.

A/N: I’ll start with one to explain the way I’m working this story. I wanted to try a different technique. Each chapter will be taken from one characters perspective in order to show a little more depth to the character, as well as, the title of each chapter is the title of a song and I am pulling out the part of the song which describes what the character is feeling and or what is going on in the chapter, emotionally. I hope that you enjoy this sequel! Oh and about this chapter. It’s kind of depressing but as it’s taken from Buffy’s perspective she is kind of in a bad place right now. It’s not going to last that long though I promise!

Chapter One: Haunted

“Louder, louder; The voices in my head; Whispers taunting; All the things you said; Faster the days go by and I’m still; Stuck in this moment of wanting you here; Time; In the blink of an eye; You held my hand, you held me tight; Now you’re gone; And I’m still crying; Shocked, broken; I’m dying inside; Where are you?; I need you; Don’t leave me here on my own; Speak to me; Be near me; I can’t survive unless I know you’re with me; Shadows linger; Only to my eye; I see you, I feel you; It’s not fair; Just when I found my world; They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart”

Buffy

Sleep. I wish it were that simple. You see, I can deal with things. I’ve been through a whole hell of a lot more than most people can say. Not to sound stuck up, but I’ve seen things that people go their whole lives without seeing. Then again, maybe that’s a good thing, maybe people shouldn’t have to see the things that I do, do the things that I do. I’ve spent my whole life sacrificing myself so that those around me can live ordinary lives. I’ve spent my whole life looking in on other people’s lives. It’s like standing on someone’s porch, it’s a happy family, they are all inside doing the things that normal people do, watching TV, playing games, having sleepovers, and I’m standing there looking in, making sure that they are safe when they go outside. Do you know what it’s like to spend your whole life looking in? I just wish that for once, I could be normal, that way when things like this happen to me, I can escape and just go away from it all.

Anyways, sleep. I thought that trying to sleep through it was the answer, anything had to be better than feeling the pain that possesses my body when I’m awake, anything had to be better than crying all the time or when you couldn’t cry, it had to be better than sitting there in this catatonic state because you couldn’t bring yourself to believe that what happened was reality. But you see, sleep isn’t the answer, if anything it makes things worse. I’m exhausted, body and soul but I can’t let myself sleep. Because sleep brings on dreams and the dreams are in surround sound. I can’t close my eye without seeing him there, feeling him there, smelling him there. When people tell you that sleep helps, they’re insane. I think that sleep makes things worse. You see, you have a dream, a great dream and it’s real to you, the touch of their skin, the feeling of their lips against yours, the sound of their voice, I’d say the beat of their heart but Angel didn’t have one… Oh but if he did, you had better believe that I would have heard it or felt it. But then, when you wake up, you realize that it was only a dream, that they aren’t there, asleep next to you, their arms aren’t wrapped around you keeping you safe, their gone, and their dead. Your heart is ripped out of your chest all over again, the pain comes back all at once, and there isn’t any adjustment period. It’s the worst form of torture that anyone could ever imagine. It’s easier to stay awake and constantly know they aren’t there instead of the surprise you feel when you wake up.

It’s only been three days but it seems like an eternity. I know that they are all worried about me; I hear it from the distance. They talk about me as if I’m some kind of weak, debilitated person, and maybe I am. I can’t find the fight inside of me anymore. Instead, I replay the events of the night over and over again in my mind as a form of personal torture. It’s my fault, this never would have happened if I hadn’t gone to them for help, I’d much rather be dead than have to live without knowing what could have been, what we could have been. Anyways, I ‘m rambling again, back to the rest of them. I know that they only want to help me but right now, right now, the wounds are too fresh, the band-aid isn’t ready to be ripped off and although they aren’t pushing, I can see the look of disappointment in their eyes. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, I just feel like I’ve let them down. Because of me, because of my actions, my inappropriate taste in men, a real champion, a great warrior is dead. They’ve lost someone who could really do so much good for those around here and instead they get the girl who can’t seem to figure out who she is.

It’s not fair. Just as I was on the brink of figuring out exactly what I wanted, just as I was getting everything that I needed from life, it’s all taken away. It’s just another example of how much I can’t seem to make things work with anyone. The last time I tried to make it work, really give myself to someone who felt the exact same way, things went a little crazy there too. Not that I have to go into that again, everyone knows that story. I know, I know, I sound like a pity party but you’d feel the same way. I never thought, well I’ve thought but I never wanted to believe, that this was going to happen. Watching him die once was hard enough, watching him die twice… Well that’s just cruel.

It was daytime finally the summer sun was streaming through the window and it was hotter than hell outside, fitting I think, as I feel as though I’m in hell. The gang had left me here; I think they knew that I just wanted to be alone. It had been three days and I had yet to take a shower. I suppose that it was about time, the energy was just a hard thing to muster. It was much easier to lay there in the bed, wrapped up in his clothes, breathing his scent that still lingered, although it was dissipating, on the sheets. It was more comforting. However, Willow was starting to get annoyed, it was obvious. She was relentless in trying to get me to talk about it, but I just didn’t want to, so she got up and left. Giles must have been down in the office with Spike, I hadn’t really seen them, only heard them when I was laying with my back towards the door as Willow updated them on my unrelenting condition. It was a conversation that usually went the same way:

“How is she doing” Spike and/or Giles would say after Willow answered the knock on the door.

“Pretty much the same as yesterday, refuses to talk, to eat, to sleep, to get out of that bed. I’m not sure how much longer this is going to last.”

“Well, keep me (or us) updated.” With that the door would close and Willow would go back to the couch, pick up the book she had been reading, and resume where she had left off. Occasionally she would wander over, try to get me to talk, but I guess I was too stubborn; pushing everyone away was just kind of what I do. I couldn’t really escape this place so instead I just went into myself.

I turned on the shower and just stood there, watching as the water fell from the showerhead. Taking a step back, I sat on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for the water to heat up. Maybe the shower would make me feel better, maybe getting clean would wash some of this depression away. Looking into the tub all I saw were the ashes, the dust that had been floating in there three nights ago. I could feel the tears starting to form again and I cursed myself for it. Bringing up the memories wasn’t the brightest idea, even I knew that, so why is it that everything I saw seemed to bring up a different memory. And the memories that I thought of weren’t even necessarily ones that were created in the last week, many of them were from the times that we spent together while we were together. I shook my head and for the first time removed his shirt and boxers, feeling as though I was pulling him away from me.

I stepped into the shower, letting the water cascade over me. As I closed my eyes, I felt his presence. It’s hard to explain how it feels, it’s as though you are wrapped in a blanket of comfort, and your heart goes still for a moment as if to mimic the unbeating heart that took residence in his body. It was as though for the briefest of moments, he possesses your body, letting you know that he was around, that he was watching. I tried to brush it off, to imagine that it was only me, wishing that he were around because nothing was going to bring him back this time, he was lost forever. I could have stood there for hours if I had the strength, the water felt like a womb, comforting me when I needed it the most. I decided at that moment, that I needed to go back into the world, even if it was only for a short while, I needed to try to rehabilitate myself before I became a crazy mess.

I stepped out of the shower and dried off, before drying my hair. Walking back into the room, I noticed that it was still empty. I don’t blame them for not wanting to be around me, I was like a life sucker, I sucked the life out of everything around me because I didn’t want to deal with what was happening. I reached for my suitcase, it was sitting near the closet, it was the last thing of mine that Angel had touched. ‘Stop Buffy, stop thinking about that,’ I said, reaching in and pulling out underwear, a black tank top and a pair of jeans. I put them all on quickly and walked to the window. Looking out you could see the people walking around, going on with their lives. Off in the distance there was the faint outline of the ocean, it was where I decided that I would go, it was the only place where I could be around people but still be alone, where I could sit and let the sound of the waves crashing against the shore console me, but more importantly, it was the place where I could go and connect with him, it was the last place that we had been together, alone.

I opened his closet door, his things still hung there. Stepping in I was surrounded by his smell, it was overwhelming. I wished at that moment that there were a way that I could bottle it up, preserve it, that way whenever I needed comfort I could spray it on something and smell him, imagine that he was right there next to me, helping me to cope with whatever problem that I might be facing. It was still warm outside but I wanted to be near him, have something of his with me when I was there so I grabbed one of his long sleeve shirts, folded it up and put it in my bag, before closing the doors again, afraid that if it were open for too long the smell would evaporate and all I would have left were his clothes.

The keys to his Plymouth were still sitting on the nightstand where he had left them. I picked them up and rolled them around in my hands for a few minutes, debating whether I should tell the others that I was leaving. I hated to see them worry more than they already were and either way, if I left without telling them or told them they would be concerned. Willow would offer to come with me thinking that it would be a chance for me to open up, but I wasn’t ready, I just needed to be alone away from the building and in a place where had been able to spend time with him. I closed the door behind me and went to seek out Spike.

He wasn’t too hard to find. He was there, sitting at his desk looking over some papers. I didn’t want to ask what they were. When he looked up, he jumped. I guess he was surprised to see me out of the room, out of the bed, and I guess more importantly, in normal clothing.

“Hey. How are you? Um. How are you feeling?” He asked me with caution.

“I’m… I’m going to leave for a little bit. I’m taking Angel’s car. I’ll be back later I need to get out of here.”

“Where are you going? Buffy let me come with you.” I heard Willow’s voice from behind me. She must have been walking down the hall as I stopped by Spike’s office to let him know I wouldn’t be upstairs if they came looking, that way they wouldn’t panic thinking that something had gone wrong.

“I just need to get out of here alone. I’m not sure where I’m going.” I lied hoping Willow didn’t catch it in my voice, I knew exactly where I was going. “I promise that when I’m ready, I’ll talk. I’m just not there yet. It’s only been a few days, I know that you are all only looking out for me but right now, I feel like I’m dying and I need to get out of here and see if I can make myself feel any better.”

“Alright.” Willow responded, I could hear in her voice that she was disappointed that I wouldn’t talk to her. I just hoped that she knew it had nothing to do with her but with the fact that I just wasn’t ready yet.

“I’ll see you guys in a bit.” I said and left the building, heading to the beach that we spent that last night alone.

A/N: Okay I know it's a little bit of a different style than the first but I hope you like it nevertheless! Please leave comments because if you want me to go back to the way that I wrote before I would have no problem with that if that's what you all prefer! Anyways! Leave me some reviews and I'll get to work on chapter two!