Edward Cullen is a Kitten

By: RavenMadisonfan

I should have known that something really weird was going to happen when Edward failed to wake me up this morning. It was a daily routine that we hadn’t broken before, save for his hunting trips that popped up every once and a while. But he hadn’t said anything about an impending escapade in the woods with his family, so when I woke up thirty minutes after my alarm had gone off, it had taken me completely by surprise.

I’d been sure that Edward had been there with me when I had fallen asleep. Where could he have run off to? I debated plausible theories while I rushed through my shower and towel dried my hair rigorously.

Edward didn’t need to stay with me the night if he didn’t care to; he might have wanted to go home and check up on his family. I felt a tiny bit guilty for snatching him away from them every night, but they had had time with him for about a century. It was only natural that I’d want to spend some nights with him, seeing as he was my boyfriend. They’d understand.

Finding that I couldn’t summon the strength to be angry with him, as it wasn’t really his fault at all, I settled for disappointed instead. I’d see him at school today, and if it really bothered me, I could ask him about it.

I slipped into some faded blue jeans and an old, oversized sweat shirt and came down the stairs a tad more dejectedly then usual.

Charlie was out of the house at this time; it appeared that not even my own father thought enough to wake me up this morning. Frowning, I fixed myself some buttered toast hurriedly.

A car horn honked from outside, and I looked out the window with a piece of my toast in my mouth. Edward’s silver Volvo was waiting out in my driveway, being pelted with rain. I saw the windshield wipers working frantically in the front of the vehicle.

I grabbed my coat—half of my breakfast still in hand—and came into the torrential downpour quite willingly. It was freezing out; not my favorite type of weather at all, as a Phoenix lover. I slid into the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car as quickly as I could, happy that the heat was on.

“Where were you this morning?” I demanded. I tired to appear agitated, but I was really glad to see him again.

Edward smiled crookedly, the smile that always sent my heart pounding. “Sorry; Esme wanted some help rearranging the furniture back at the house. She needed opinions and a few extra hands. Rosalie and Emmett were out at the time, on a date in Seattle, while Alice had dragged Jasper along to get some paint cans to redecorate the living room. It was only Carlisle and I who could help her out.” He backed out of the drive way while still focusing his eyes on me.

I nodded, choosing to accept this excuse from him. “Okay then; but you’re aware that I was counting on you to wake me up today, right? I ended up being a little later then usual.”

“Sorry,” he apologized again. His topaz eyes seemed sheepish. “It won’t happen again. But didn’t you see the note I left you?”

I raised my eyebrows. “What note? I never saw one.” I was confounded; had I missed his elegant writing so easily?

Edward looked just as confused as I felt. He sped up the car a little more, which got me nervous. This speed thing was probably a result of being stressed or surprised. “I left you a note on your nightstand. It explained everything.”

“Why didn’t you just wake me up?”

“Because humans need to sleep, Bella.” The corner of his mouth quirked upwards. “And you looked so cute laying there; I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Gee, thanks,” I said with intense sarcasm. I turned away from him to look out the window, to the rain that would inevitably be there waiting for me.

Things probably would have ended up differently that day if I had just turned on the music and kept on talking to Edward. If I had just stared straight forward, then things would have never become so weird in my life—or, at least, more weird then it already was. But no; I looked out the window just as we driving past the grocery store.

There was a black kitten in a cardboard box, sitting dangerously close to the road. The poor thing looked as if it may have drowned if I had left it. Opening the car door while it was still in motion had been a knee-jerk reaction; but Edward just didn’t understand that.

“What the hell? Bella, close the door!” he ordered. He leaned over me to make a grab for the handle.

“Slow down the car, Edward,” I said. “I see something that I need to get.”

“What is it, a gallon of milk? Hasn’t anyone told you that opening a car door like that is dangerous? You could have easily died if you had fallen out.”

But he slowed down despite his grumblings, allowing the Volvo to park itself beside the cardboard box. I jumped out and pulled the hood over my head to protect me from the rain, trudging my way through a colossal puddle to the soaked kitten.

It had its head popping out from the side of the cardboard, its snowy boots clutching the sagging wall of its prison. There was a weird white patch the shape of a star on its back in the middle of its pitch black fur. It mewed pathetically up at me, its whiskers so wet that they drooped.

“Awe, poor thing,” I cooed, gently picking it up. It cuddled against me, trying to steal away some warmth. Tucking it under my jacket so it wouldn’t get any more wet, I scooted back into the car, where my boyfriend was waiting at the wheel.

“What’s that?” he demanded as soon as I revealed our newest addition to the party. His nose wrinkled just the tiniest bit in distaste when it licked its paw.

“It’s a kitten.” I stroked the black fur softly. It was similar to touching a wet shag rug.

“I can see that,” he said, observing the cat as it stretched out it’s paws on my jeans. “But I wanted to know why you decided to get the little vermin in the first place.” His eyes narrowed when the cat jumped onto the dashboard of his car, sitting there like a statue, matching his glare.

“Because it would have drowned out there. And besides, I don’t think it’s vermin. I think that Lion is adorable.” I smiled.

“Lion? You named that . . . beast after something that was tasty?” Edward cocked an eyebrow upwards in disbelief. “And you named him in barely a full minute? Are you trying to drive me crazy? I mean, where are you going to keep him? Your locker?”

Lion seemed to grow more and more displeased with what was being said of him in his presence. He paced to the utmost front of Edward, growling slightly.

“Edward, come on. What was I supposed to do? I know that you’d do the same if you were in my position.” I tried doing the puppy eyes. “And why don’t you like cats?”

Edward was busy locked in a staring contest with his newly acquired nemesis. “Because,” he said slowly, not wavering in the slightest, “they shed all over the place. They scratch up your furniture. They get into your face every time you’re lying down. They leave excrement in your shoes. They bring home dead carcasses to your door step so you can step on them. They smell bad. They probably taste bad, too, but I’ve never been tempted to try their blood. It’s probably ridden with disease, anyway,” he added as an afterthought, scowling at the cat that was bristling with agitation.

“Oh come on. Stop being a grump about them; try to find the positive sides of having an animal.” I grabbed Lion from the dashboard and placed him in Edward’s lap. Both of them stiffened. “See? That isn’t so bad, is it?”

Edward wouldn’t look at me. He was too busy trying to get the cat between his thighs so he could discreetly crush it to death. But Lion was attempting to claw the skin off of his knee; it was futile, Edward’s skin was like granite.

“I asked if it was bad,” I repeated, disapproving of the rivalry between the two.

“No,” my boyfriend said with clenched teeth, still trying to get the cat to lose its footing so it could ‘accidentally’ die, “Not bad at all.”

Suddenly, Lion pounced. He yowled as his claws scraped against Edward’s face, not even damaging it. Edward’s face went blank when he grabbed him off of his face. He held the incriminating feline before me, as if convicting a criminal.

“See?” he asked, brandishing his furry weapon. “See why I don’t like cats? He’s going out.” He opened the door in a fluid motion, very close to reintroducing Lion to the outdoors. But I grabbed his arm before he could throw him out into the puddle.

“Edward!” I chastised. I retrieved my cat from his hand and kept him far away from the angry vampire. “I’ll give him to Angela today. I heard that she wanted a cat, so it wouldn’t be a hassle to deliver him.”

Edward sighed, starting the car again. “Now that seems fairly reasonable. About time you were rational.”

I pushed Lion back into Edward’s face. “What was that?”

When Edward opened his mouth, Lion hissed, spraying spit. I saw it fly straight into his unsuspecting mouth. Edward’s eyes grew huge when he realized what had happened, and he started to splutter, wiping his lips against a napkin that had been in the glove compartment.

“Yuck! Blech,” he gasped, totally disgusted. “I’m getting rid of that buzzard as soon as I can, you mark my words. That thing did it on purpose; you can see it in its beady little eyes.”

“Pfft,” I scoffed. “It was an accident. Honestly, Edward, I think that something’s gotten into you today.”

“Like cat saliva,” he mumbled. He stepped up the gas, propelling the Volvo through the wet track that was before us. As he focused on the road, I thought he looked slightly worried. As for why, I had no idea.

I’d find out later.

Everything went smoothly until the little snag hit; we made it all the way to biology class after we had told Angela about Lion and asked a teacher if it was okay to keep the cat in a cage in the classroom. She agreed, and Lion would find a loving home as soon as Angela came to the Spanish room.

Edward hadn’t wanted to discus the spittle event that had happened, seeing as it was disgusting, and I respected him enough not to bring it up. I’d save that particular story when I wanted to spill to Alice at some family gathering.

Still, he was awfully quiet in the classes we had together. Embarrassment or something more? That worried look he had had in the Volvo made me wonder if he was hiding something. I decided to ignore his shy behavior and ask about it later in the night at my house.

We were sitting innocently in our biology class when he started to really act weird, though. The period was almost over, and we were finishing up on our tests. Or rather, the human portion of the room was finishing the test—Edward had finished his first, and was sitting back in his chair comfortably, staring at nothing in particular.

“Okay, class,” Mr. Banner announced. “Pencils down in five minutes!”

“Shoot,” I muttered. I rushed through the question I had been repeating to myself and selected an answer at random, eager to get this over with.

Edward jerked in the corner of my eye. When I looked at him, he was still twitching slightly; his eyelid couldn’t stop, and his shoulder was moving like he couldn’t control it. A few of the kids stared at him and inched their papers away, as if his new twitching routine was an advanced way to cheat by signaling UFOs for help.

“Edward? Are you okay?” I whispered.

He stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair. “Mr. Banner. I need to visit the nurse, can I leave, please?” His body jerked like someone had prodded him in the backside with an electric cattle brander.

Mr. Banner looked at him suspiciously. “Mr. Cullen, you don’t look sick—”

Edward’s head twitched to the sides and he did a chicken bobble. “I’m going to throw up!” he informed everyone, much to their horrification. And with that, he decided to make his grand departure by running out the door at incredibly fast speeds for the average human.

“I hope that there isn’t a bug going around,” Mr. Banner sighed, sinking back into his chair. The class turned back to their test, leaving me to wonder what the heck had just happened.

Edward didn’t return to his next class with me. When I asked the guidance office, I was told that the nurse had sent him home. But that didn’t make any sense; a vampire being sick? That was impossible. Maybe he had read someone’s mind and wanted to get out of the classroom to fix something.

I had to go the rest of the hours at school alone, wondering about it to myself. Apart from Angela coming to me with Lion in her arms at the end of the day, I didn’t talk to anyone else. That was surprising as well; where was Alice? Why were all my vampires going AWOL?

I had to carpool with Mike and Jessica; while Mike wanted to talk with me, Jessica stole him away by speaking whenever I was about to reply. Getting the feeling that I wasn’t wanted by most of the group, I opted for staying silent the whole car ride until they dropped me off at my house.

When I entered my house, I had been expecting Edward to have been there with an explanation for his nurse stunt today. But of course, I was disappointed to find my house empty and silent. I dropped my book bag on my bedroom floor and flopped on the bed in exhaustion.

I didn’t know what to do with myself; should I read something? Do my homework? Cook Charlie’s dinner? Watch a little TV? Sleep it off and wait until Edward came? I liked the last idea better; and perhaps by taking a little nap, I’d be able to think up ideas that were plausible causes to his mysterious behavior earlier on. After all, most great ideas start when someone dreams about them.

I was just settling into my bed, closing my eyes to prepare for inspiration, when my foot connected with something furry at the end of my bed. Confused, I gave it a little kick. It was warm, too.

“Hey, watch where you put that foot,” a muffled voice said.

It was like getting ice water dumped on me; I wrenched back the sheet in alarm to expose the living thing that had snuck into my bed. “Get out of my house! I don’t know who—” I stopped, dazed.

An auburn-furred, fluffy kitten was looking back up at me, its whiskers a fine gold that paled in comparison to its amber colored eyes. There was intelligence in those irises that startled me; and the expression the kitten wore! It was almost human, the way it seemed to look so chagrined by my expression.

But I must have imagined the voice, I reasoned. It was just my imagination playing games with my head, nothing to be concerned about. Relieved, I sank back onto my bed with a smile on my face at the kitten.

“Did Edward give you to me, you cute little thing, you?” I asked. My voice had become sickeningly sweet. I scratched its chin and it closed its eyes in pleasure. Encouraged by this response, I scratched its belly when it rolled to its back; it seemed to like that, seeing as it was purring like a car at this point. But as I got progressively lower with the scratching, it seemed to realize what it was doing and stopped rooting me on. It jumped back to its tiny paws and glared at me with its too-knowing eyes.

“Bella, it’s me,” the fluffy kitten said in exasperation. “Edward. Do me a favor and stop attempting to scratch my stomach. You nearly scratched my testicles off.”

I paused, my eyes widening. And then I did what any other rational girl would do in this situation; I did what most women do when they find out their boyfriend is now a cat.

You better believe I screamed.

(A/N Random idea, I know. XD Rushed through because I was lazy. But I couldn’t help myself; this idea popped up and I HAD to write this, despite my other unfinished stories. I’m a procrastinator by trade, so of course I came up with this. Although this fanfiction was inspired in part by another fanfiction called “Edward Cullen is a glass of Milk.” It’s BRILLIANT. Go read it right now. XD

I’ll update this whenever I feel like it; which could be tomorrow, next week or next year. My main focus is Heaven Help Me, so it will take a while before this one makes it to it’s end.)