|The Problem With Parents
Author: Captain LeBubbles PM
Few of them could say they had stable families. Some parents are inattentive, some are lost, and some are simply AWOL. It's a shared weakness, and one mutant wants to exploit it... Of course, if was never going to be that simple, not with them involved.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Family - Mystique/Raven D. & Magneto/Erik L. - Chapters: 5 - Words: 21,039 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 02-24-11 - Published: 04-10-08 - id: 4188496
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Problem With Parents, or How Mastermind Got His Groove Back
By- The Bubbles
Summary- Mags and Mysti just want to be good parents. They want to put the past behind them. They want to switch children… wait, what? Well it made sense when they first heard it. Set after PMIoP but isn't the sequel.
Disclaimer- "I'm gonna go do evil things now, like take over the world! And litter!"
A/N- This story is the winner of the vote, so it will be posted while Adventure on Ploog will wait until later. So, yeah, on with the show!
I've decided to briefly move away from the Pyro-centric stories and write about some other characters. So I decided to write about my other favorite occurrence of the X-Men fandom, and that is Mystique and Magneto's various failed attempts at being good parents. Graydon and Lorna will be in this story, only Evo-tized, and their personalities will be Evo-tized as well. I'll give you more on this when they come in. This story also sees the return of Ace, though slightly different than the version in PMIoP, as well as the introduction of Doc Skylar, who was mentioned once or twice in my stories but never showed up.
Bubbles looked up from her video game when a stack of papers landed on her desk in front of her.
"One of these days I will get Internet access that works across dimensions. Oh well. Until then, I'll just have to keep on with this archaic plothole transmission method."
She picked up the stack of papers and dropped them when she got a paper cut. She sucked on her finger angrily.
"On second thought… Tech!" she yelled. "If you don't find a way to email between 'verses you're fired!"
"Talking to yourself again?" Snap appeared on the chandelier with a woff. "You know that's the first sign that your sanity is leaving, don't you?"
"Sanity is the sign of an unused mind," Bubbles mumbled. She put a band-aid on her paper cut. "Besides, it's Doc's fault. If she didn't insist on writing such long reports about her patients, it wouldn't be such a big deal." She handed the monkey girl a folder. "Now take those to Tech and tell him to get a move on."
"Righty-ho!" Snap saluted with her tail before snapping her fingers and disappearing with a woff.
Bubbles rolled her eyes and picked up the papers again. "All right, Doc, let's see what you've got."
On a bright and sunny day in Bayville, a gathering was happening at the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, or whatever they were calling that place this week. There were many people present, including every member of the X-Men, Brotherhood, and former Acolytes. Also present were several unaffiliated mutants and humans, some of them pulled off of the street at random. Some were present because they were involved with the goings-on of the past seven days, others were there because they were curious as to the reason for the gathering, and still others were there because they lived at the mansion and refused to leave as long as their enemies were present. Some people were there for no reason whatsoever, like the person whose name was Cain Marko, but was affectionately referred to as The Juggernaut.
More on that later.
This gathering was not a party, nor was it an attempt to work together for the good of all. This gathering was called by one Doctor Kayla Skylar to get to the bottom of one of the problems plaguing several of her patients.
Doc Skylar looked to many of those present like a being known to them as The Bubbles, with the exception of her hair and clothing. It was this resemblance and nothing else that made many of them frightened. After all, the last person to cross The Bubbles was Sabretooth, and according to the rumors, he'd found himself in the middle of a strip mall in Kansas City with no powers and a kick me sign on his back.
The good doctor was currently pacing in front of the gathering, her bare feet making soft whaff-whaff sounds on the lush carpeting of the lounge. Sitting on the pool table behind her was a being known as Ace, who was swinging her legs back and forth. She had a laptop on her lap and was typing a list of those present. After some time, she got Doc Skylar's attention and indicated that she had finished her list. The Doc nodded, and proceeded to get the attention of those gathered.
"All right everybody, listen up!"
Those who were not already following Doc Skylar's movements closely immediately began to do so.
"Now then. You are all here because you are somehow involved with the events of the past seven days."
From his position on the wall, the person known as Scott Summers said something through the duct tape over his mouth. Though it was unclear what he said, it was quite clear that it was rude. Doc Skylar tut-tutted and waggled a finger at him.
"Now, now, that isn't going to get you off the wall anytime soon, now is it? Besides, Acey went through all that trouble getting you up there; it hardly seems fair to undo all that hard work so soon."
He said something else, which was much ruder than before.
"Why of course I'll let you down. Eventually." She turned to the group in general. "Where was I? Oh yes. First, I want to know exactly what happened during the last seven days. Magneto. Why don't you start us off?"
She turned to a man with white hair. He was wearing a billowy cape over a white collared shirt and slacks. He had been wearing a helmet when he arrived, but Ace had taken it away from him on the grounds that it made him look like a dork. It was now sitting beside her on the pool table. She was using it to hold her soda.
He would have simply taken the helmet back from her, were it not for two simple facts. One, he was wearing a Genosha collar, and two, he was duct taped to his chair. He shot one last glare at Ace before clearing his throat and speaking.
"I would stand up to address you all, if I were not tied to a chair."
"Get on with it, Mags," Doc Skylar said warningly.
"Well, I hardly know where to begin."
"The beginning is always nice," she said sweetly.
"Yes, but where exactly did this story begin? Did it begin with Mystique and me last week, or long before that with Mystique and Wanda? Or before that with- Ow!" He looked around to see what had hit him. A glowing marble sat near his feet. It exploded with a puff of smoke as he looked on. "What the heck was that?"
"That was Ace." Everyone in the room all looked at Ace. She waved. "She's going to do that if anyone gets off topic or starts rambling. Begin with last week. If we have to back up, we will."
"All right," he grumbled. "Can you at least un-tape me?"
"Sorry but you're a flight risk. Now get on with it."
He took a deep breath and began to tell his story. On the pool table, Ace was typing furiously every word he said.
"My story begins last week. Mysti and I were on our way to the Institute to see our children…"
"I don't get it, Magnus. Why are we doing this?"
"You want to get closer to Kurt and Rogue, don't you?"
"You know I do."
"And I want to get closer to Pietro and Wanda. That's why we're doing this."
"Yes, but why this? It doesn't make any sense."
"You heard the Doc."
"Yes, I heard her. And her explanation made perfect sense when she told us. But the more I think about it, the less I see the logic behind it."
"That's because you don't have a degree in mutant psychology."
"Neither does she."
"You know, that's a very valid point."
"Okay, that's enough of that!" Doc Skylar interrupted his narration. "I already know why you were doing that. Why don't you just skip forward to when you got to the mansion?"
Magneto and Mystique exchanged smug looks. So they were right!
"We arrived at the mansion some time later. Our children had been told to meet us there because the other option was the Brotherhood house, which is essentially a dump and should have been condemned a long time ago."
"Hey!" Lance interrupted. "You're the ones with your names on the lease! Why don't you use some of that Nazi gold of yours to knock it down and build a new one?"
"For the last time, Rockslide, I don't have any Nazi gold!"
"That's Avalanche, Bucket-Head."
"All right, that's enough, both of you." Doc Skylar glared at Ace, who had been typing the entire exchange. "Lance, go back to your seat. Magneto, get on with the story."
"Thank you. As I was saying, we pulled into the Institute to meet out children…"
Magneto pulled his convertible up next to the fountain, where sat the mutants known as Rogue, Kurt, Pietro, and Wanda. They had been told to meet their parents at the Institute, and agreed rather reluctantly due to (literal) prodding from Kurt. They were sitting or standing around the fountain in different levels of disdain and annoyance, except for Kurt, the only one who actually wanted a good relationship with his respective parent. This was most likely because he had a stable relationship with his foster parents, unlike the others.
Yes. That was why. At least, that's what Doc Skylar concluded when she heard the details of the situation.
The two parents got out of the car and stood in front of their collective of ungrateful spawn. Their collective of ungrateful spawn stared at them until they became quite uncomfortable.
An interesting thing to note is that while they had requested privacy, they had not been given any. Several X-Men were obviously hiding in various spots around the grounds. They could clearly see Wolverine sitting on the front steps, sharpening his claws on a whetstone. Cyclops was pressed against the wall of the manor, peering around the corner at them, and a nearby bush was whispering to itself.
"Wait a minute, how can a bush whisper to itself? Was it a mutant bush? And why was it talking to itself? Was it crazy?"
"It was a metaphor, you strange little person," Magneto explained. "Now can I please return to my story?"
"Yes, please do," Doc Skylar said. "And can we please cut down on the interruptions? They're getting annoying."
"What is it ya'll want?" Rogue asked, getting straight to the point. It looked like the four had come to some sort of agreement.
"Put simply, we want to form a lasting bond with our children," Mystique answered. "Our psychiatrist has given us a suggestion. We want to try it out."
They all looked at each other, trying to decide what to do. Wanda elected herself spokesperson.
"What do you want to do? It's not another bonding day is it?"
Mystique and Magneto exchanged a look.
"Well it is, sort of…" Magneto said. "Though you will actually be switching parents with each other."
There was a collective stare.
"Allow me, Erik. What he's trying to say," Mystique explained, "is that he will spend the day with Rogue and Kurt, while I will spend the day with Pietro and Wanda."
"Ah don't get it."
"Where in the world did you two get such a whack idea?"
"Come on, Dad, that's bogus!"
"You mean like a mother or something?"
They all looked at Wanda, then at the adults. Pietro spoke first.
"That is what you're doing! You're trying to get us to look at the other one like a parent! What gives? You two gettin' hitched or somethin'?"
The parents eyed each other, no doubt trying to think of the consequences of such a thing. Their answer was a simultaneous 'No!' that nearly knocked the children into the fountain. Nearby, the bush laughed and said something about paying up.
"You still haven't told us where you got the idea from," Rogue reminded them.
"It was from our psychiatrist. She said… something about looking at it from your view or starting afresh or… oh, I don't know. It made sense when she explained it." Magneto threw his hands up in exasperation. "Let's just do this, okay?"
He swept his cape towards the car. Yes, that's right, even though he is wearing civvies, he still has on the cape and bucket. Why? Don't really know. Well, presumably the helmet is because he doesn't like it when Xavier reads his mind and because he's more paranoid than Foaly, but the cape… your guess is as good as mine.
Rogue and Kurt looked at each other and shrugged. Hey, it beat vegging out and watching the Princess Bride with Kitty for the millionth time. Besides, Magneto had one sweet ride.
"Shotgun!" Kurt yelled.
He disappeared in a flash of smoke and brimstone and reappeared in the front seat. Grumbling, Rogue hopped over to the backseat while Magneto levitated himself into the driver's seat.
"Oh well," Rogue said as she spread her arms out. "At least back here Ah got room to stretch out."
"We'll all meet up for dinner tonight and exchange notes," Magneto was saying. "How about that new restaurant that's just opened up around seven?"
"That'll work." Mystique scribbled down the address on a scrap of paper. "And this time, if you're going to be late, call."
"Oh, for crying out loud, Mystique, that was six years ago. You just aren't going to let that go, are you?"
"You still haven't made that up, you know."
Magneto sighed. "Fine, we'll do lunch tomorrow. Come along children." He spun his wheels on his way out the gate. "Let's go have some fun!"
"We never did have lunch that day, Magnus."
"Oh, come off it, Raven! You know as well as I do that it would have been rather difficult thanks to him."
He nodded in the direction of a scruffy looking young man of about twenty. The man, like Magneto, had been deemed a flight risk. He had been put in a halter like those that parents sometimes put on their children, and the other end was held securely in Sabretooth's hand- in other words, he wasn't going anywhere.
"Hey, don't look at me, you mutant freak. I was just following orders."
His use of the phrase mutant freak elicited an angry response from much of the room. Those who hadn't been duct taped to their chairs or the walls jumped up angrily, and immediately collapsed back to the floor, clutching at the Genosha collars Ace had put them in.
"Nice work, Ace," Doc Skylar congratulated. "Suddenly I'm glad you decided to deem everyone a flight risk. Say, where'd you get those collars, anyway?"
"Oh, I know a guy," Ace said innocently.
(In a warehouse on Genosha)
"Ok, I know I had a whole warehouse full of collars for you sir. I don't know where they could have gone."
"Well find them, or get started on a new batch. I want those collars!"
(And back to the Institute.)
"Anyway, I figured that with so many enemies and rivals in one room we needed a little extra security."
"Excellent. You know, you are turning out to be one able assistant."
Ace beamed. Her tail wagged furiously. "We should probably get back to the story now."
"You're right." She turned back to the group. "All right, Magneto. I'm tired of listening to you. Uh… Mystique! Why don't you go next?"
"All right then." Mystique stood up. Unlike Magneto, she was not wearing a collar, nor was she duct taped to anything. "Where to start?" There was a collective groan of 'Not this again!' She glared. "Well, about the time Magneto left, Wanda, Pietro and I decided to have a look around the mansion."
"Even though you don't actually live here," Wolverine said. Like Mystique, he was not deemed a flight risk (he's not going anywhere as long as Sabretooth is there) and was sitting backwards in a wooden chair a few feet away. "You weren't invited in, either."
"Can it, you." She stuck her tongue put at him, and he returned suit. Xavier sighed at their immaturity. "As I was saying, we decided to have a look around…"
"This isn't so bad," Pietro said. "It's just like normal for us; I mean, we all live in the same house already."
"Yes, but we don't actually 'bond' or anything at the boarding house," Wanda replied. "Usually we just sit around watching TV. Why are we here at the mansion, anyway? It's fairly obvious we're not welcomed here."
She was not far from the mark. While most of those students who had not left were elsewhere on the grounds, ignoring their guests, Logan was walking a few feet behind them. He quirked an eyebrow when the three of them glared at him.
"ANYway," Mystique said as they resumed walking, "We are here because I wish to see the sort of conditions that my children live in and none of them have ever offered me a tour of their home."
"Probably cause the last time ya were here, ya nearly took out half their friends," Logan growled softly. Mystique ignored him.
"Pietro, you've been here when delivering messages before. Do you know where their rooms are?"
"Sure, Boss-Lady, but aren't you supposed to be bonding with us right now?"
"Pietro, no, ix-nay!" Wanda made a slashing motion across her throat but it was too late. Mystique burst into tears. "Well, great. Thanks a lot."
"You're right! I'm a t-t-te-terrible mother-her-her!"
"Shh, there, there, it's okay." Wanda patted Mystique's back comfortingly, employing methods occasionally used by the doctors at the asylum when she got mopy about being abandoned. "It'll be okay, we'll help you become a good mother." She elbowed her twin. "Won't we, Pietro?"
"What? Oh, yeah! Of course we will."
"I am afraid, Dear Mother, that there is no hope for you." From behind the door stepped a young man with scruffy brown hair and a gun pointed right at them. He had an FOH armband on, and a manic glint in his eyes. "You know who I am?"
Mystique peered at the young man curiously. He certainly looked familiar. And then it hit her!
"You're that nice boy who used to deliver pizzas to the boarding house, aren't you?"
The man slapped his forehead in exasperation. "No, I'm not the pizza delivery boy! Don't you even recognize me?"
Logan, meanwhile, was advancing on the man with his claws out. Pietro and Wanda were standing behind him in the hope that the man with the healing powers would protect them from the man with the gun in the event that he decided to fire. Mystique was still peering at him, trying to figure out where she'd seen him before.
"Look, pal, I don't know who you are, but I do know that you're standin' in my home holdin' a gun, and that you stink like a Creed, so you got three seconds to convince me not to cut you a new navel."
"Wait, Creed?" Mystique had finally pinned his face. "Graydon, my baby, is that you?"
"It's about time you recognized me! Her firstborn son and Rambo over there has to be the one to remind her who I am." He indicated Wolverine, who growled.
"You've got another kid?" Wanda asked. "And you didn't even recognize him? What kind of mother are you not to recognize your own son?"
"Thank you!" Graydon said. He waved his arms towards them. "They get it!"
"Well I haven't seen you in almost twenty years. You were just a baby when I left."
"She left you when you were just a baby?" Wanda looked appalled. "And I thought our father was bad."
"Just try being raised by Sabretooth. His idea of children's television is watching large animals get eaten by larger animals on the Discovery Channel."
"Hey, it was educational!" Sabretooth had interrupted Mystique's narration. "Besides, what was I supposed to do? We only had three channels and you were too afraid of Big Bird to watch Sesame Street."
"You were afraid of Big Bird but not watching animals get mauled?" Kitty shuddered. "You've got, like, serious priority issues."
"Hey!" Ace threw a marble at her. "Big Bird was creepy, okay?" Kitty rubbed her arm and glared at the scribe. "Besides, none of those animals coulda held a candle to Sabretooth."
"That is true," Creed conceded, slightly flattered. "One thing that's been bothering me, though. How in the world did you get all the way into the mansion and that close to Wolverine without him smellin' ya? Of course, I coulda done it, easy," he ignored the snort of disbelief from Wolverine, "But you, having no powers…"
"Oh, here we go again, 'Oh, woe is me, my son is a human.' Geez, Dad, no wonder I'm so screwed up." He crossed his arms and turned away with a huff.
Doc Skylar quirked an eyebrow. "Y'know, I've been wondering that same thing."
Graydon looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, actually…"
A/N- Ha! Cliffhanger! Okay, so it's not a complete cliffie. I just needed to end the chapter before it got too long. And look, I said I liked the Mysti Mags parenting thing, but they're not exactly parents of the year or anything… or week, for that matter. So, how're Rogue and Kurt gonna react to having another brother? How did Graydon get in without Wolverine's knowledge? Will Mystique ever be a good mother? Will Wanda side with Graydon? Why do I ask you?
Er… yeah. I hadn't planned on introducing Graydon until the next chapter, but he kinda snuck into this one. In case you don't know, Graydon Creed is Mystique and Sabretooth's son. The Evotized version of him that I've just done is about twenty or twenty-one, and yes, he is still a member of The Friends of Humanity, he still hates all mutants especially his parents, and he was raised by Sabretooth because Mystique walked out on him when he was a baby. He is quite insane, but that goes without saying.
So review! And I'm taking requests! Tell me what you wanna see and I'll do my best to put it in! (Except Mygneto. I refuse to write that.)