Hideodious

Disclaimer: I do not own Wicked.

Hey everyone! Now, I know a while back I promised a sequel to the Knocked Up parody I finished before, but I soon realized that there was no way I could make a half decent sequel to that story. This is a stab at my first Wicked two-shot (I would have made it a oneshot but it was way too long). So, again I’m sorry for not giving a sequel to my first Wicked fic, but I hope this can make up for it! Hope you enjoy!

-ILoVeWicked

Galinda Upland let out a giddy giggle every thirty seconds as she guided her roommate to their dorm.

“Oh, Elphie,” she exclaimed, “you are going to love this!” One of her perfectly manicured hands covered Elphaba’s eyes, while the other gripped onto her arm to keep Elphaba from straying.

“Galinda,” Elphaba began hesitantly as she reached out at the air in front of her. She didn’t exactly feel safe with her eyes closed and Galinda guiding her. “I really don’t see the point of you walking me across campus while your ‘Super-Duper-Wonderfully-Amazifying Surprise’ is in our dorm!”

Galinda giggled again. “Because, Elphie, it wouldn’t be a ‘Super-Duper-Wonderfully-Amazifying Surprise’ if I didn’t make you anticipate it! Now stop your whining! We’re at the door!”

Elphaba could hear the Galinda fumbling for her key and she could hear the door open with a click. Galinda sighed with happiness as she quickly dropped the hand shielding Elphaba’s eyes to her side.

“Ta-da!” she cheered. Elphaba’s jaw dropped. The room still looked the same—luckily Galinda hadn’t made any pink or frilly additions to anything Elphaba owned—but there was something new that stood in the center of the room.

“A rock?” Elphaba asked in confusion. “You’re idea of an amazifying surprise is a giant rock?” Galinda howled with laughter. She had gotten used to Elphaba’s ways of enthusiasm now that they were best friends.

“Not just a rock, Silly! I made this in art class today; can’t you tell what it is?”

Elphaba examined the large gray stone and tried her hardest to find human qualities contained in it. She squinted and let out a sigh.

Making her best guess, Elphaba turned to Galinda and raised an eyebrow. “Is it…Doctor Dillamond?” Galinda gave her a small frown.

“No. It’s a life-size sculpture of Fiyero!” Galinda announced. “I made it for our three month anniversary tonight.” She let out a high pitched squeal that would have broken all of the windows in their dorm if she had gone a note higher. Elphaba winced and checked to see if her eardrums were still functioning as Galinda pranced over to her statue.

Peeking over one of the huge bulky shoulders, Galinda gave her friend a serious look of concern.

“Do you think he’ll like it?” she asked. Elphaba eyed the statue’s abnormally large nose on its tiny head, its scrawny legs, and it’s huge torso. She couldn’t help but feel sorry for the inanimate object.

“Um…yeah, Galinda, he’ll love it,” she lied. Galinda giggled and hopped down from the base of the statue which appeared to be melting Fiyero’s feet onto its surface.

“Oh, goody!” she cheered, wrapping her arms around Elphaba and pulling her into a warm hug. “At first I wasn’t sure if I really had artistic talent, but your input means so much to me! Oh, thank you, Elphie! Thank you times a bajillion!”

Elphaba bit her lip. Even though she knew Galinda still love such a horrid-looking statue even if she had stated her actual opinion, yet somehow she felt obligated to lie. She could tell that Galinda wanted to make her three month anniversary with Fiyero special.

Elphaba thought back to almost a year ago when she and Galinda used to loathe each other. Even if Elphaba still did resent her roommate somewhat for being just about perfect and having Fiyero for a boyfriend, she would never want to ruin Galinda’s special occasion and make her miserable. And as everyone knew, when Galinda was miserable, the whole world had to be miserable with her.

Galinda finally stopped suffocating her emerald-colored friend, grabbing her purse along the way.

“Where are you going?” Elphaba inquired just as Galinda was about to slip out of the room. Galinda popped her head of a million curls back through the crack of the door.

She gave a Elphaba a grin and replied, “Oh! I was going to go out shopping for a new outfit for tonight. Can you watch over Fiyero for me?” Elphaba let out a small chuckle.

“You mean the statue? You want me to watch your statue while you shop?” Galinda swiped at the air and made a ‘pfft’ noise.

“Oh, please, Elphie! It’s not like you’ve got any other prior engagements besides reading!” Elphaba shrugged and reached for her latest novel lying on her nightstand.

“You’re right,” Elphaba told her. “I’ll stay here and baby-sit Fiyero.” Galinda gave her a thumbs up.

“Great! Thanks, Elphie!”

HIDEODIOUS

Elphaba nearly dropped her book after being startled by the door opening just minutes after Galinda’s departure.

Boq, Nessarose, and a live Fiyero emerged, all greeting Elphaba with a wave. Elphaba returned the gesture and set her book down on the bed beside her.

“How did you all get in here?” she asked. “Haven’t you heard of knocking?” Fiyero reached in his pocket and pulled out a small brass key.

Jingling his new accessory, Fiyero responded, “I used my new key to your room. Galinda gave it to me for our two month anniversary.”

“Well, I don’t appreciate you all just intruding. What if I was just stepping out of the shower or getting changed when you all decided to stop by and say hello?” Fiyero simply smirked.

Boq was the first to notice Galinda’s statue. “What in Oz name is that?” he outburst. Elphaba laughed.

“That,” she said, eyeing Fiyero,” is Galinda’s life-sized sculpture of her beloved Fiyero.” Fiyero wiped the smirk off his face and began studying Galinda’s art project.

“This is supposed to be me?” he finally choked out. Boq made a noise that indicated he was holding back the urge to burst into laughter. Fiyero shot him daggers with his eyes and Nessarose wheeled forward.

“It’s…well, what word would Galinda use to describe something so horrifying?” Elphaba began to list all of the insults she had ever heard Galinda used to describe Elphaba or an article of her clothing.

“Um…hideodious?” she answered after finding the perfect insult to explain the stone version of what was supposedly Fiyero. Nessa nodded.

“Yes, that’s the right word. I’m sorry, Fiyero, but this statue is simply hideodious.” Fiyero pointed to the statue’s giant nose.

“Is this really what I look like?” he cried. “Am I really this overweight? Are by legs really that thin and bony? And tell me that’s not really my nose!”

Elphaba stepped forward, just as concerned for the prince’s mental state as she was about Galinda’s feelings.

“No!” she assured him quickly, grabbing his hand to keep him from falling over. “You look nothing like that! You don’t understand. This is Galinda’s—which surprisingly got an ‘A’ by the way—and her gift to you.” She looked up at Fiyero’s shocked face and almost felt the burning sensation of their hands melting together as Fiyero’s eyes softened. She couldn’t help but smile, and he smiled in return.

Once he realized whose hand he was holding, Fiyero quickly let go of Elphaba and turned his attention back to Galinda’s art, avoiding the hurt in Elphaba’s eyes.

“I have to live with that thing staring at me all day?” he asked while gesturing toward the statue. Boq tightened his grip on the handle of Nessa’s wheelchair.

“Hey, Fiyero, it’s not that bad. Galinda did a way better job than I would have,” he said, clearly defending Galinda. Fiyero narrowed his eyes.

“Then why don’t you take the statue?” he asked in a low and warning voice. Nessa raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe I will,” Boq hissed back. “At least I won’t be hurting Galinda’s feelings.”

“Who says it will hurt Galinda’s relationship with me if I tell her that this statue is hideous?” Fiyero asked.

“Hideodious,” Nessa corrected.

“Whatever! You know what I mean!” Boq looked like a cheetah, slowly moving toward its prey until he could clamp his jaw down on it.

“Oh, sure. You obeying Galinda’s every command and the two of you just straing at each other all day is the prime example of an open and honest relationship,” he scoffed. “Seriously, do you ever talk? Or are you just too busy admiring each other’s beauty to care about what the other thinks?”

“Are you calling me a bad boyfriend? Because if I’m not mistaken, Galinda is with me, oh jealous one,” Fiyero taunted, causing Boq’s face to turn beet red.

“I’m not calling you a bad boyfriend. Maybe brainless, but never bad.” Fiyero gasped and clenched his fists.

“That,” he said in a hurt, squeaky tone,” is where I draw the line!” Elphaba’s predictions were correct, for Fiyero and Boq had already removed their jackets and charged at each other. Nessa shielded her eyes.

Naturally, as Elphaba had expected, Fiyero had a weight and height advantage over Boq and gripped onto his wrists. Boq fought against Fiyero by flailing his legs everywhere and eventually kicking Fiyero in the legs. Fiyero howled in pain and as he toppled over, Boq pulled him into a headlock. Fiyero jerked his head upward and knocked Boq hard in the face.

Elphaba finally couldn’t stand to watch any longer. She cautiously approached the pair. With a quick swipe of her hand, her magical ability caused gravity to push the two away from each other, leaving enough room for her to step in between them. Even when they were several feet away from each other, Boq and Fiyero continued to fight with the air. Elphaba placed one hand on each of their sweaty foreheads and nodded her head. The spell wore off and Elphaba let out a gasp of surprise as she learned just how strong her friends were.

“Okay!” she yelled, pushing against the two with all her might, “this needs to stop! Someone is really going to get hurt.” Fiyero and Boq growled in response and only pushed harder.

Nessa finally removed her hand from her eyes to see that her sister had joined the fight.

Elphaba gritted her teeth as Boq and Fiyero grunted and glared at each other. “C’mon, you guys!” she pleaded. “You can’t fight like this forever!”

“Yes we can!” they yelled back in unison. Elphaba rolled her eyes.

“Now, if you guys keep fighting against me like this, it’s going to eventually push us back enough to bump into Galinda’s…”

She was interrupted by the sound of three bodies knocking into a giant stone object. Nessa watched in horror as Galinda’s life-sized statue of Fiyero fell to the hard floor and scattered into millions of pieces.

Everyone stared in mortification at what was now a pile of pebbles, too stunned to utter out a word. Nessa wheeled forward slowly and shook her head.

“Idiots,” she stated. “You are all blubbering idiots.”