A Most Auspicious Meeting

“I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.” ~Abraham Lincoln

There are several things you don't do around Toad; you don't stare, you don't make any sudden movements, and most importantly, you never, ever flirt. Flirting with Toad is like...it's like paying squash with nitroglycerin. He takes it the wrong way, like anybody who would flirt with him is secretly making fun of him. I found this out through months of dealing with his explosive temper.

I've learned that this rule doesn't apply to Tabitha Smith.

Somehow I thought that someone as cunning and paranoid as Toad would be able to see past the double Ds and cloud of pheromones the girl seems to carry around like a pod of party balloons, but no. Not only did Tabby shamelessly flirt with Toad when she arrived, she sat in his lap. And she still has all of her fingers.

I read somewhere that if an angry animal is charging you, the best thing to do is to stay put and glare at it. Usually out of confusion the creature will stop and turn tail, assuming that you know something that it doesn't. Maybe it was something like that. I guess Toad doesn't really ever have women like that flirt with him---well, he does, I've heard him talk about a few of his 'friends' he visits on a regular basis, but those are the kind of women you have to pay---and he got thrown by it.

So there she is, sitting in his lap, playing with his hair like he's any frat boy on campus. “So,” she says. “I've heard a lot about you, Greenie. You've got quite the rep.”

I winced as the silence stretched on. Nice knowing you, Tabby, I thought. It's about five seconds until you're a smear against the wall. But then the weirdest thing happened.

He laughed.