How’s Your Mother? Edit Chapter One:

Hey. I saw this floating around in a old folder and decided it could use an update. I hope it’s slightly better xD;; I’ll delete the first copy and replace it with this later.

Tobi twisted in his sleep, his blankets getting tighter. His face produced a smile. He was going over everything he knew- How to clean, How to Cook, How to be polite. His mother taught him this all of course.

“Ooooohhhh Sempai who’s this?”

The blonde spun around, he hadn’t realized a particular swirl-faced idiot -- that sat highly on his hate list-- was in his room. He looked up at him from the floor from his Indian style position, clay in a mound before him.

Tobi held the picture frame in the artist’s face for a second, the delicately framed picture being of a slightly younger Deidara posing with a gloomy looking red-haired man. Deidara shoved it away, and then took at good look at it. He snatched it, stuffing it in his coat.

”Where’d you find this?” he snapped pointing at the lump protruding from his jacket. Deidara was absolutely positive he had it hid decently enough where that particulat idiot or no-one for that matter would find it.

“In you’re top drawer under your underwear!” Tobi chirped as if he did something good and productive. His hands clapped together, creating an oddly shaped heart.

He grabbed his coat collar, yanking him up with him as he got to his feet. Tobi’s coat seams made a small ripping sound as he was given a rough shake before being shouted at, “And what were you doing there?” Deidara was starting to get a rather obvious reddish tint.

“Cleaning! Put me down please Sempai! I was being a good boy!” he squeaked with his one visible eye blinking in a pleading sort of way. Deidara dropped him, and he quickly re-grouped standing up to face him.

“You need a mother! This place is sooo dirty Sempai! She'd clean, and teach you how to clean! And your und-“

“Tobi. Don’t. Ever. Touch. My. Stuff. Again.” His visable blue eye became cold and darkened.

“Yes Sempai!” he squeaked trying to hide from the angered Deidara’s gaze. He shot out of the room, his arms flailing as he ran in an idiotic sort of way.

Deidara sat the picture on his dresser with care, seeing now how Tobi of all people had found it, there was no reason to hide it. He gazed at it then gave the frame a pat before leaving his room, locking it with a solid click.

Tobi’s first mission came before they seated for lunch, his nose some how instantly picking up the burning smell from the toaster. He peeked around the door way, instantly shoving the shark man out of the way.

“You guys need a mother” Tobi scolded gently, “She would of taught you how to cook I bet! All mothers are good like that!” and he proceeding in giving Kisame a little shove out of the kitchen.

Deidara was positioned behind the t.v. guide, waiting for the religious man to finally move his ass. He shoved his foot into his back once more, Hidan reacting on cue with flinging the remote at him in pure anger. He promptly flipped Deidara off, not wanting to break his focus on the last remaining minutes of his gore pay-per view movie by cussing him out. Deidara sent one back casually, having been pissed all morning and it seemed to have taken a step even further after Tobi had made a comment how his underwear was girly. He snorted loudly at his Tobi recollection and Hidan flipped him off again, unknowing that it wasn’t for him. Deidara caught this, and a vein bulged slightly. He stood up launching himself at the immortal man, but his partner caught him midair, clicking off the pay-per view in a vain attempt to save some money. The attacker and the attacked exchanged some words until-

“Come on dears! Time to eeaaatttt!” Tobi chirped happily into the dinning room, and they all turned their heads, their brains clicking at the mention of food. No one took the swirl-face calling them dears odd or out of place, this was Tobi after all.

Itachi emerged from a random entry way, Hidan getting to his feet with a flustered aurora with Kakuzu dropping Deidara and stealing the remote to end it once and for all, Zetsu parting his way as he slipped up through the floor, the banished Kisame seating beside his partner, and finally after Deidara wondered over Tobi didn’t waste his time as he trotted over to the table. He did a little twirl before placing the food down.

Pein and Konan appeared soon after and they seated themselves at the two end chairs. Neither of them ate with the others, but today they felt as if something good would stir. He picked up the TV. Guide up from Deidara’s lap while she went through Akatsuki-related papers, ignoring the food as it was pushed into their faces.

It started to eat away at Tobi after only a few minutes, purely hating it when they ate in silence. He was busy scooping his soup then pretending to eat it like a 5 year old child and broccoli, pouring it back in while being careful not to waste it, creating a sloooshing rhythm.

Tobi had started to drip his soup onto the floor as they began to finish, commenting to himself he was a genius, taking in the end result making it seem as if he was finishing up too. Kakuzu was off scheming in the back of his mind of ways he'd get Tobi to pay to remove the stain, They as an organization couldn't afford to waste cash on a stain remover. Tobi jumped up spilling the rest of his soup onto floor and he almost lost his restraint as he imagined crashing his chair over the masked man’s head.

“Kisame-san you’re getting food everywhere!” he scolded as he began wiping a some-what not existent droplet off of his mask and accidentally back-handing Kakuzu in the process, “Oh silly me! Your mothers probably cleaned up after you. Well! I’ll be good like them and clean up after you as well!”

The blue villain set his spoon down, watching Tobi with a careful gaze shove in his chair and skip over, suddenly with rag in hand. He couldn’t help but wonder partly where the rag came from seeing how he had just had a napkin but switched to sitting ridged as Tobi came from behind and wiped his mouth off rigorously, then lifted his hands and washed them off too. He gave Kisame’s head a pat before skipping off to the sink with his messy plate and silverware. Hidan and Deidara promptly started laughing in unison, this sight was the best all day, and it ended up making a slightly bigger mess on the table.

“Who ever said we had mothers?” muttered Kisame to the empty space in front of him. He sure like hell didn’t want to look at the nursting faces of his fellow members.

The sink abruptly stopped and Tobi clearly heard it, sticking his head out around the doorframe. “You’re lying! You had to have mothers!” he gasped in pure horror.

And the Akatsuki's version of Dooms Day Began.