Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Title: A Hemorrhage of Idiocy

Summary: One-shot! Team Seven has been asked to stand guard at the entrance to the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Will the village stand to see another day? AUish. R&R!

Author Notes: Inspired by a song. I guess. Actually, not really. This was more of a random idea. Enjoy!

Naruto grumbled as he rocked back and forth in his simple wooden chair. The clacking noise of the bottom of the wooden legs falling down onto the wooden ground didn't seem to bother him.

Sasuke stared out over the canopies of the trees in the forest ahead, expression indifferent. He had seated himself on the edge of the wall above the entrance.

Sakura stared down at the ground that was more than fifteen feet below her, muttering to herself.

Their teacher was late, as usual.

Finally, Sakura straightened and spun around angrily to confront Naruto. "Will you stop that? I'm going to jump if you don't!"

The legs of the chair were slammed down to remain on the ground.

She sighed, rubbing tiredly at her forehead. "That's better." Squinting through the darkness of the early morning, she commented, "The sun's not even up! That proves that this is time we could be spending sleeping! Why do we have to be out here this early, anyways?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Sasuke grumbled. "If anyone would be stupid enough to try to infiltrate our village, they'd do it at night or early morning."

"Why us, though? Why couldn't anyone else guard the village?"

"You can thank Naruto-baka for that one."

At the mention of Naruto's name, Sakura rounded on the boy. "What did you do?"

"Nothing! I just asked for a harder mission! It was either this or give Hokage-sama a free massage! Personally, I don't like rubbing wrinkly old skin!"

Sakura gagged. "Okay, okay, I get it!"

"Shouldn't Kakashi-sensei be here suffering, too? I bet he's still asleep!"

"Don't be ridiculous. Kakashi-sensei knows how important this job is. He wouldn't leave us alone to guard the entire village," Sasuke glared.

Elsewhere:

Kakashi snored rather loudly, scratching at his backside, which was stuck in the air.

"Anyone bring cards? We could be playing something instead of just sitting here," Sakura frowned.

"I did!" Naruto cried, pulling a deck of cards from a hidden pocket. "I keep them with me just in case I get the opportunity to play!"

"Play what?"

"Strip poker—AGH!"

Sakura winced at the pain that shot through her fist. "Why do you have to have such a hard head?"

Naruto moaned in pain and rolled around on the ground at the pink-haired kunoichi's feet, cradling his head. "Why, Sakura-chan? Why?"

"You don't just say something like that! I wouldn't play strip poker if my life depended on it! And especially not with you!"

Sasuke snorted. "He doesn't even know how to play poker."

"Yes, I do! Don't doubt me! I've won against Iruka-sensei plenty of times! Believe it!"

"Is that poker or strip poker that you've won at?" Sasuke snickered. "Because I believe that the winner of strip poker is the person with the most clothes on. Was Iruka-sensei without his clothing?"

"Whaaa—" Naruto gaped, realization slowly overcoming his features. "HEY! I wouldn't play strip poker with a guy! That's sick!"

"Oh, really? Is that why I saw you playing cards with Hokage-sama and taking your shirt off?"

"It was hot! He wanted to play outside!"

"And is that why I also saw you playing cards with Kakashi-sensei and taking your shirt off?"

"He wanted to make sure I wasn't cheating by putting cards up my sleeves! It was his fault!"

"And is that why I also saw you playing cards with Lee-san and taking his clothes off?"

Naruto stuttered, blushing bright red, "He told me that he had a tattoo! I was just checking to see if it was true!"

Sakura blinked, cheeks stained with red. "Wow... Naruto-kun, I didn't know you were into stuff like that."

"I'm not! I like girls! Not guys!"

Sasuke scoffed. "You're in the closet."

"What?" Naruto asked, confused. "I'm right here..."

Sakura giggled. "I get it!"

"And now that I think about it," Sasuke continued nonchalantly, "you have kissed me before."

"THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

"Ugh... Don't remind me," Sakura mumbled, crossing her arms dejectedly.

Naruto sat in his chair, fuming.

Sasuke smirked slightly from his perch atop the wall.

Without warning, Naruto leaped onto the ground on all fours.

"Uh... What are you doing?" Sakura inquired awkwardly.

"I'm going to train ants to eat Sasuke-baka's head! Believe it!"

"Loser."

Elsewhere:

Kakashi muttered incoherently to himself as he rolled off his bed and tumbled onto the ground in a tangle of limbs and sheets.

"What time would you say it is?" Sakura whined, standing. "I've been sitting on my butt for hours! It hurts!"

"Want me to rub it for you?" Naruto grinned pervertedly. His reply was a punch to the nose.

"It's probably around nine now," Sasuke informed her, uncaring that Naruto was bleeding heavily from his nose at his feet.

"Nine? Agh! It feels like noon! This mission is never going to end!"

Naruto wiped away the blood and snickered gleefully, huddling in a corner.

There was about thirty minutes of silence.

"Oi, Naruto-kun, how's your ant-training coming along?"

"Pretty good, Sakura-chan! Now, I just have to teach them to not bite me!"

Sasuke shook his head in annoyance. "Give it up. You won't teach ants to eat my head."

"That's what you think! I'll make it work! Believe it!"

Sakura leaned over the edge of the wall and peered over it. "Hey, guys? You know what I just thought of?"

"What?"

"What do we do if someone does come and try to break in?"

"Oh, that's easy, Sakura-chan! We use Sasuke-baka as a projectile weapon!"

"Not before we use you, Naruto-baka."

Sakura giggled to herself at the mental images.

"If worst comes to worst, we will use Naruto-baka's 'killer ants'."

"Never! We will never do something like that! I've already named them!"

"You... named them?"

"Yeah! This big one here is Kakashi-sensei; this pretty, shiny ant is Sakura-chan; this awesome-looking ant is Naruto; the stupid one that keeps running into the wall is Sasuke-baka!"

Sasuke's lips curled into a snarl. "Don't name an ant after me."

"I will if I want to! And I just did! So, there!"

"I'll squash that ant."

Sakura sighed, struggling to block out the sounds of her teammates' bickering. Her stomach suddenly growled, reminding her of the fact that she had neglected to eat that morning.

Elsewhere:

After much flailing around and embedding a kunai into his wall, Kakashi stood from his floor and yawned obnoxiously, blinking blearily at the clock on his wall. "Was I... supposed to be somewhere?"

"Where is Kakashi-sensei? This is ridiculous! It must be noon already!"

"You know, playing poker right now is starting to sound like a good idea," Sakura grumbled, rubbing furiously at her eyes.

"Strip poker?" Naruto corrected hopefully.

"Poker," Sakura growled. Her stomach chose to rumble loudly at that moment. She blushed, wrapping her arms around herself.

"What was that?" Naruto exclaimed, glancing around wildly, drawing a shuriken from his pouch. "Are we being attacked, finally?"

"That was Sakura-san's stomach, Naruto-baka," Sasuke drawled, "and we're not supposed to be wanting to be attacked."

"I disagree with that! I want some action around here!"

"If you want some action, jump over this wall, and try to land softly," Sasuke advised, motioning to the wall.

"Easy!" Naruto leaped onto the wall and prepared to jump when Sakura screamed out, "NO! NARUTO!"

He paused. "What?"

"We're, like, twenty feet above ground! There is no way you'll land softly! You'll kill yourself!"

Naruto furrowed his brow. "I guess you're right, Sakura-chan. You're always right."

"Loser. I can't believe you were actually going to do that."

"Hmph!" Naruto stuck out his tongue and dropped back down into his corner. "Okay... Back to—"

"He... sat on them," Sakura giggled.

"SAKURA-CHAN! NOOOO!"

Elsewhere:

Kakashi combed a hand through his unruly silver hair, blinking at his reflection. "Something... Something I had to do today..."

"Oh, look! There's someone!" Naruto cried, pointing wildly down at a figure moving across the street.

Sakura squinted at the figure. "Looks familiar..."

"Who cares? Just do it," Sasuke muttered. Inwardly, he was hoping Naruto wouldn't miss.

Naruto held the bucket of water up, grinning wickedly. "Ready?"

"Go, already. That person is leaving."

Naruto hauled the bucket backwards and threw it over the edge. However, Naruto, being Naruto, lost his grip on the bucket, and it tumbled towards the person—water and all.

"Baka!" Sasuke exclaimed, slapping his forehead.

"Oops..."

"Don't just stand there! Get that person's attention! HEY! HEY, YOU! WATCH OUT! THERE'S A BUCKET COMING TOWARDS YOU!"

Iruka glanced up at the sound of a girl shouting and recognized Sakura atop the wall. He waved merrily. "Hello to you, too, Sakura-chan!" he called.

"...Oh..."

"...No..."

With a clank, the bucket reached its destination and smacked Iruka roughly on the head. He gurgled out something incoherent and collapsed on the ground, unconscious.

"...Is he dead?"

"...I hope not."

"NARUTO! How dare you throw a bucket at Iruka-sensei?"

"I didn't mean to! It was slippery!"

"Are either of you going down there to see if he's still alive?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"If I leave, someone might try to attack the village! I can't!"

Sasuke turned to Sakura with a questioning look. "You?"

"I... er... If I leave, someone might try to attack the village... I can't..."

Sasuke sighed and started towards the staircase. "Fine, I'll do it."

Naruto and Sakura watched him leave silently.

Once he had disappeared down the stairs, Naruto waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Sakura. "Well, now that we're alone..."

"Oh, don't even think about it, or I'll throw you over the edge to check on Iruka-sensei!"

Elsewhere:

Kakashi fingered the cover of his Icha Icha volume eight. "Oh. I remember."

With great difficulty, Sasuke hauled Iruka up four flights of stairs. "I thought... this was supposed to be funny," he huffed. Leaving him on the ground for the moment, Sasuke wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.

"You got him! Okay, let's see if he's still alive!" Naruto jumped down from his position on the wall and flopped onto his knees beside Iruka. Placing his ear against Iruka's abdomen, Naruto listened intently for a heartbeat that wouldn't be in his abdomen.

Sasuke slapped his forehead and muttered insults.

Sakura stood to the side and watched worriedly. "Well? How is he?"

"He's... He's not breathing! Quick, CPR, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura paled. "M-Me?" she squeaked. "I... I..."

"Why don't you do it, Naruto-baka?" Sasuke smirked. "Or are you afraid?"

Naruto gulped and looked into the face of his former teacher. "I-I'm not afraid!"

Sakura leaned forward and watched eagerly as Naruto's quivering lips descended onto Iruka's.

"Shouldn't be hard... Just remember how desperately you kissed me," Sasuke snickered.

Naruto ignored Sasuke and pressed his lips reluctantly against Iruka's.

There was a split second when Naruto and Iruka's eyes locked as his eyelids shot open.

Iruka looked confused... and disturbed. Why was his former student... kissing him?

Naruto screamed and stumbled backwards, tripping over a chair, sprawling on the ground.

Iruka's eyebrows knitted together, and his mouth opened and closed a few times while he struggled to come up with something to say.

Naruto wiped furiously at his lips and screamed out how disgusting it was.

Sakura laughed nervously and helped Iruka to stand. "Er... Sorry about that, Iruka-sensei. He was giving you CPR."

"CPR?" Iruka breathed. "That was more like... like... a kiss."

Sasuke hid a wicked grin. "Naruto-baka wanted to kiss you. He said that he wanted to taste your—What was it again, Naruto-baka?—juicy lips."

Iruka gaped at Naruto, blushing. "What?"

"T-That's not true! I was giving you CPR!" Naruto defended, his blush identical to Iruka's.

Sakura sighed and plopped down into a chair.

"I-I'm just... going to go... now..." Iruka stuttered, backing towards the staircase. When Naruto took a step forward to explain, he let out a high-pitched scream and raced down the stairs.

"Nice one, loser."

"Shut up, Sasuke-baka! Just shut up!"

Elsewhere:

"There you go! Icha Icha volume 9!" the bookstore owner gushed, waving his best customer out the door. "Enjoy, and come back for more adult books soon!"

Kakashi waved happily and opened his book to the first page, immersing himself into the pornographic text.

"What time is it now?" Sakura huffed between her sit-ups.

"About four o'clock."

"Oh, good. We are off duty when?"

"...Five o'clock—"

"Great!"

"—tomorrow afternoon."

"AGH!" Sakura slammed her fist through a nearby brick. "I can't take anymore of this!"

"I'm hungry..." Naruto whined. "I want some ramen."

Sakura blinked. "I'm not hungry anymore."

"Well, I am! How about we eat Sasuke-baka?"

"Oh, yes. Let's eat me. I bathe in ramen," Sasuke spat, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Naruto gaped like a fish. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. Loser."

Elsewhere:

Kakashi whistled snatches of a since-forgotten tune as he strolled through the streets.

However, he paused when his name was shouted.

"Hatake Kakashi, what exactly do you think you're doing?"

Naruto stared out in the distance, face squashed into his palms. He let out a sigh.

"Thinking of your kiss with Iruka-sensei?" Sasuke taunted.

"Thinking of how much I would like to dangle you from this wall."

"Ha, ha."

"This is bad. Naruto-kun doesn't even retort spastically when his honor is at stake," Sakura murmured.

"Well, this will teach Naruto-baka not to open his big mouth when Hokage-sama is giving out missions."

"Hopefully..."

"You know what really bugs me?" Naruto spoke up suddenly.

"What?"

"There's a shinobi hiding in the bushes down there, and he isn't even approaching to attack the village. That's a waste of something for us to do! If he doesn't come out here soon, I'll go in after him!"

"A shinobi? Really?" Sakura inquired excitedly, glancing among the bushes under them.

Sasuke joined them.

"Yeah. From the level of his chakra, I'd have to say he's about... genin rank? Ha!"

"Well, let's wait until he does something else. Then, we attack!"

Elsewhere:

"What do you think you're doing out here reading porn while you have a mission to complete?" Iruka shouted.

"Mission?" Kakashi blinked. "I don't recall a..."

"You left the important task of guarding the village to three genin! What were you thinking?"

"Um..."

"And because you weren't there to watch them, I was hit by a bucket, and Naruto-kun kissed me!"

Kakashi laughed nervously. "Well, that is unfortunate, Iruka-sensei. Did he taste like ramen?"

"Tha—Whaa?" Iruka stared. "Well, yeah... I mean, he does eat a lot of ramen..."

Kakashi gave his signature happy eye crease.

"I-I mean... Get to your position, Hatake! You have a mission! This is no time to be strolling the streets while our village is in the hands of your students!"

"I'm really hungry now. Eating Sasuke-baka is sounding like a great idea," Naruto muttered.

"I'm surprised that nobody has come by and told us that we can have a break to eat. Do they expect us to stand out here all day without food?" Sakura asked worriedly.

"That's all the shinobi is going to do? Squat down in a bush?" Sasuke grumbled, twirling a kunai.

"Don't worry about him," Naruto dismissed with a wave of his hand. "He's probably too scared to move because he sensed my amazing chakra."

"You're full of it. He's waiting for the perfect time to strike, which is not a time we will give him."

"If you say so. I still think it's my amazing chakra."

"Have you noticed something?" Sakura interrupted. "Nobody has wanted to leave the village yet."

"Hey, yeah. That is strange," Naruto agreed, leaning against the wall. "But at least it gives me time to sleep."

"You can't sleep on the job!"

"Watch me, Sakura-chan! I'm so bored and hungry! I have to sleep so I won't eat Sasuke-baka!"

"Let him sleep, Sakura-san. Let him be lazy."

Naruto stuck his tongue out, and his eyelids drooped. "So... tired..."

Kakashi appeared in a puff of smoke on the wall some time later.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura greeted, jumping up to throw her arms around him.

"About time you showed up," Sasuke glared. "You don't know what we've had to go through."

"Eh... Sorry. A flustered Iruka-sensei crossed my path, so I had to treat him to some ramen."

They had been about to open their mouths and accuse him of lying when they realized that that was most likely true.

"So, he told you what Naruto-baka did?" Sasuke smirked.

"Yeah, he told me. I have a slight problem accepting it, though."

"Well, Sakura-san and I were both here. We saw it happen."

"And Sasuke-kun encouraged it," Sakura added.

"I see. So, where is the hyperactive shinobi?"

Wordlessly, Sasuke and Sakura pointed over the wall.

With a questioning arch of an eyebrow that they couldn't see, Kakashi peered over the edge.

Naruto, snoring happily away in dreamland, was hanging upside down from the wall by a short rope.

"I am impressed. Great job," Kakashi complimented, giving his students a happy eye crease.

"That's going to be one scary wake-up," Sakura shuddered. "I can't help but feel a little bad."

"Ah, don't worry about him. He'll get over dangling fifteen feet from the ground by a rope that could break at any moment."

"I guess..."

"It looks like Naruto-kun has this place covered. Now, who would like to go out for some food?" Kakashi suggested, happily strolling towards the staircase.

"Me!" Sakura giggled, chasing after him.

"Sure, but I have something I want to do first," Sasuke smirked, glancing down at Naruto.

Sometime later:

The shinobi in the bushes awoke with a start. "Whoa, what happened?" he glanced around quickly. "I guess I fell asleep waiting for those shinobi to drop their guard. How troublesome. Well, I guess it's time to continue with the mission."

With a wicked smirk, the shinobi stepped out of the bushes, and his gaze rose to the entrance to the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

His smirk promptly fell from his face, leaving a horror-struck look plastered to his face. With a scream, he turned and fled into the woods. "Screw the mission!"

Naruto, dripping red, was dangling in front of the entrance of the village. The gates—which originally had been painted with Hiragana sounds "a" and "n" meaning "retreat"—was now painted with the deep red, angry Kanji for death.

In Sasuke's opinion, it was the best was to keep people out without having to actually be there.

Later:

A weary traveler wandered up to the entrance of Konohagakure, rubbing his eyes tiredly. When he lifted his chin to ask for permission to enter, he became frozen with fear.

Naruto yawned and stretched, paint thickly dripping from his body, imitating blood, and stared down at the traveler confusedly. "Uh... Hello?"