A/N: This is my first ATWT fanfic, so please be gentle

A/N: This is my first ATWT fanfic, so please be gentle. Constructive criticism is appreciated. This first chapter is from Carly’s POV after 4/11/08’s airing. Enjoy.

I stood at the kitchen counter making tea. As I waited for the water to boil, I could only think about what Jack had said to me this morning. Something so despicable; so crushing. It wasn’t fair. All I ever wanted him to do was love me; something he once did, and I know I was probably the biggest reason we broke up the last time.

But I tried to be the woman he wanted. I tried to change for him, because for Jack Snyder, I would do anything in this world for him. I love him. I always have… and always will.

But the same doesn’t go for him. He made that clear this morning. My eyes start to well up for the umpteenth time today. Everything we’ve ever been through. Everything we ever had together meant nothing to him now. The compass….Montana…our children…

It all didn’t matter. Not to him. Last night…I really thought we made it. I really honest to God thought we could get through everything that’s happened and start fresh again. But he doesn’t.

Last night was a mistake.

The tears spilled over my eyelids without a blink, and I could feel my mascara running, burning my skin. My throat started to close up so I could hardly breathe. Bile rose in my throat, and my stomach started making violent churns.

The water came to a boil, and I reached for the teapot. I poured the water into my cup, reached into the cupboard and grabbed a teabag.

I wiped a hand over my face, brushing the tears away. I don’t know why I’m tearing myself up over him when he doesn’t feel the slightest bit of regret.

Just then, as I’m reaching for the crème, I could hear faint footsteps in the hallway leading to the kitchen. They stopped for a moment, and I closed my eyes and raised my head to the ceiling, sighing gently, but heavily at the same time. The footsteps started again.

“When’d you get back?” He asks. He’s nearing up behind me, and I want more than anything to dash from the room and out the door.

“A while ago,” I answer my voice dull. I mix the tea with a spoon, clanking the cup as he speaks.

“While I was out walking…thinking-“

At this I look up to the ceiling again, bracing for what was to come next.

“…I’m sorry Carly, I didn’t want to-“

“Don’t apologize to me again, please. It only makes me feel more pathetic for thinking that anything that happened last night was even remotely real!” I yelled, turning to face him.

“Okay fine, we don’t need to go out like that. But we do need to talk about where we go from here.” He was so calm about it too, and it made me furious.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’d love to kick you to the curb Jack frankly but…we agreed…that the kids need us to be together as a family right now.”

He half nodded, “I feel the same way. So if it still works for you, we can get by…stay here for now…be a father….”

I nodded, my lips pursed outward. “And not a husband,” I finished.

We look at each other for a moment, and then I speak again. “Fine. It’s settled. You get what you want.” I turn back around facing the window.

“What is it do you think I want?” He’s getting frustrated.

I turn back around to face him. “For me to stop wanting, stop believing, stop hoping that things will be the way they once were.”

His eyes are almost pained. I don’t know how to read him anymore. I used to be great at that.

“Well congratulations, Jack. I give up. I’m done.”

And with that, I walked out of the kitchen. Before Jack could come out and try to convince me otherwise, I grabbed my coat and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind me.

I sat at the shore of a random bay of water I’d passed by while I was driving. My knees were up to my chest, my chin resting on them. The tears flowed freely from my eyes, all of the raw emotion from the past week escaping. I’ve been sitting here for hours. The sun’s setting-a bright array of blues and pinks and oranges and yellows and reds. It’s beautiful.

Since Gwen left-which also happened to be the day after Jack and I kissed for the first time in months-I’ve been watching sunsets at night. It became therapedic for me, something to take me away from all the turmoil of reality and to a land of beauty and wonder. Heaven. Something Jack once was.

God.

At that point, I began to think of Jennifer. I looked up at the sky, tears cascading down my cheeks. I raise my hands to my head and clasped them together in a praying fashion, begging for her to help me get through this.

Just then, my cell phone began to ring. I squeeze my eyes close. I reach into my pocket and grab it, and I check the caller ID.

Jack Mobile

I flip my phone open and press the “ignore” button. I can’t bear to talk to him. I close my phone and slip it back into my coat pocket, and stare out to the water, watching the remainder of the sun’s rays slip behind the blue horizon. It was only until the moon began to shine, along with its’ companions, that I collected myself and stood, brushing the dirt off of my backside, and walked to my car.

I opened the driver’s side door and slid behind the wheel. When I closed the door, I could see silver rays of light pouring through the glass and onto my lap. I started to sob again, resting my head on the wheel, my hands gripping it tightly.

I don’t think I’d ever cried so hard in my life. The love of my life...my compass…my true north. My everything. Gone. Just like that.

I breathed slow and hard. I needed to be strong. If this was how the end was affecting me, I couldn’t begin to imagine what the kids would go through.

I need to be strong. For them.

I reached my hand into my pocket and pulled out a Kleenex, brushing the tissue across my tear-stained cheeks, then to my eyes, wiping the last of the tears away.

I then reached a hand to the radio and turned it on. A song was starting, and as I started up the car, I listened to the mellow background before a most beautiful voice began to sing. As I pulled out of the bay and onto the streets, I listened to the lyrics.

I know what makes me comfortable;
I know what makes me tick.
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick.
Cream and sugar in my coffee,
Right away when I awake;
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes.
Oh, the rest is out of my hands.

I will learn to let go what I cannot change.
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change.
I will learn to love what I cannot change.
But I will change, I will change…
Whatever I, whenever I can.

I don't know my Father,
Or my Mother well enough.
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff.
The pain is self inflicted;
I know it's not good for my health,
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself.
Oh, the rest is out of my hands.

I will learn to let go what I cannot change.
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change.
I will learn to love what I cannot change.
But I will change, I will change…
Whatever I, whenever I can.

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel;
I have enough hurt of my own to heal.

I will learn to let go what I cannot change.
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change.
I will learn to love what I cannot change.
But I will change, I will change…
Whatever I, whenever I can.

As soon as the last chords of the song faded out, as if on cue, my cell phone rings again. I know who it is. It could only be him. He always had that instinct to call me at the best-or worse-times. But my voice is beyond broken. If I answer, he’ll know what he’s done to me, and I can’t let that happen again. So I grab my phone out of my pocket. My eyes instinctively look at the caller ID.

Jack Mobile

I open it quickly with my eyes on the road, and press the “ignore” button again. As I drive back to the house, I start to cry again.

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please, please review. Any criticism is more than welcome, as long as it’s constructive and clean. And if anyone would like to be my beta-reader, please feel free to PM me.

The song in this segment is called “What I Cannot Change” by the beautiful LeAnn Rimes. Some of you may remember this song from 10/18/07’s airing when Jack and Carly went back to Montana for what seemed like her final days. When the song was played, Carly was in the bathtub reflecting on the night when she and Jack were together before Sage’s birth.