Genre: Humor/Dumb.

Warnings: T+, mentions of sex (a threesome actually!), language.

Characters: Kakuzu/Yugito/Hidan.

Notes: My take on the old using-body-heat-to-warm-each-other-up-while-naked trope. Ridiculously silly, highly amusing to me. SORRY, GUYS.

It was hellishly cold out, and ferry they'd taken had overturned three-quarters of the way across the river. The water was running low, enough for even the non-shinobi travelers to wade the rest of the way across, but it was still chest-deep on Yugito, and she and Hidan lost their packs in the water.

By the time all three of them had gotten out, she was soaked all over, and almost worthless with chill. The best she could do was crouch in the cloak Kakuzu dropped over her and shiver as though her life depended on it, while her partners set up the one remaining pup tent and Hidan bitched relentlessly. She felt terrible. The nekomata was almost catatonic with furious misery and cold. She was barely responsive when Kakuzu hauled her to her shaking legs and dragged her into the tent.

Hidan had somehow got his clothes off already. He'd sort of spread them out as much as was possible to the side of the nest of blankets and the unzipped sleeping bag which remained of their gear. Yugito didn't want to let go of her arms and almost screamed when Kakuzu yanked them away from their stranglehold around her torso and yanked her shirt off over her head.

"What are you doing?" she shrilled, scooting away. It didn't help; there wasn't enough space to get any distance. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered some more.

"You are nearly hypothermic," the falls-nin said irritably, and then cast a more critical eye over her. "Actually, you may presently be hypothermic. Body heat is the best way to warm someone up under these conditions."

"What?!" she shrieked, really screaming this time.

"Shut the fuck up and zip up the door," Hidan snarled from the blankets. "It's fucking freezing out there. You're letting cold air in."

By the end of his speech Kakuzu had her pants half off. From what she could see in the dim light he looked ready to grab her by the scruff and stuff her headfirst into the blankets too. Yugito dug her fingers into her arms and wormed her way under the down cover herself.

Kakuzu slipped in behind her. Yugito worked herself around so she could warily watch Hidan. Under these conditions, facing him was bad; her back to him would be worse. Between them she felt barely any warmth. Hidan wasn't radiating the usual aura of heat; Kakuzu was colder than normal. She resigned herself to a long and frigid night.

Forty-five minutes later, it wasn't so bad. She really had warmed up, the compulsive shivering had stopped, and it was eerily cozy, in her spot as the stuffing of a very dangerous sandwich. Yugito had not relaxed enough to uncross her arms from her chest, though. Hidan was still awake and she didn't trust him not to...

Well, whatever.

She was warm, which was nice. The nekomata was aware again and hissing nasty threats in the back of her mind, which wasn't nice, but was quite familiar. It was really getting quite dark outside. As uncomfortable as the situation was, Yugito decided, the best thing to do would probably just be to fall asleep and wait it out. Shinobi did this kind of awkward thing in their line of business all the time. She was traveling with two deadly S-class missing nin, and was no slouch in the field herself – between the three of them they had a ridiculous kill count. They were professional killers. They could all be professionals about this.

She'd really, really almost convinced herself of this, and nearly relaxed enough to fall asleep, when Hidan's hand brushed her side.

That woke her up sharply enough, and she glared at him. It was half impossible to see but she was sure his eyes were at half-mast and that he was laughing at her.

Give him one more chance, she thought; it'd be too stupid to have a confrontation in here. A second later his hand brushed her again, in an entirely too familiar stroke that went from her shoulder down her side, and stopped to rest at her hip.

"Stop touching me," she said, enunciating very clearly.

"What?" Kakuzu said behind her, and Yugito jumped, kind of. He'd been breathing so evenly she hadn't known he was awake.

"Hidan's touching me."

"We're both touching you." He sounded irritated. "It's close in here. Forget about it and go to sleep."

"No - " Hidan's thumb began to rub small circles where her hip-bone dipped, and Yugito stopped for a moment and then continued. "I mean, he's touching me on purpose."

"Hey," Hidan said, speaking finally. "Kakuzu, are you hearing this too? This crazy bitch thinks I'm molesting her. Women are so fucking paranoid."

He pinched her, hard. Yugito scooted back, which didn't really help as she ran right up against Kakuzu, who made a very irritated noise. Like a cat that had just been stepped on, supplied the nekomata, and Yugito told it to shut up.

"He's LYING!" she said loudly. "Kakuzu, don't believe him!"

"Do I have to separate you two?" he snapped.

"No way, I don't want your nasty skin all over mine," Hidan said, at the same time as Yugito shrilled "YES!"

"If you two are not quiet in the next five minutes," Kakuzu said very calmly and evenly, "I am going to carry you both outside and you are both going back into the river. For keeps this time. I will personally make sure of it. Now shut up." He gave Yugito a firm push away from him. Reluctantly she shuffled back so she was equidistant from both men and stayed still, glaring at Hidan.

Smirking. He was definitely smirking.

About a minute later, Hidan slid his leg over her body, hooked his heel behind her knee, and tried to pull her closer. Yugito squirmed half-upright and kicked at him. "KAKUZU!" He had to have felt that one. Even if he'd somehow missed, or ignored, all the rest.

"I am going to murder you both," Kakuzu said quietly. Yugito heard him take a deep breath to continue and then Hidan butted in.

"Seriously, man," Hidan said, sounding ostentatiously miffed. "What is this? Two guys and a girl, all naked together in a tent, and you're not thinking what I'm thinking?"

Yugito felt herself swell up with panic. Kakuzu was quiet for a minute and then he said, "Hidan."

"Yeah?"

Yugito swallowed hard.

"Save it for some other night."

They were all quiet for a second, and then Hidan laughed, sounding very pleased. "Seriously, rag doll? Wow. I didn't think you still had it in you."

"WHAT," Yugito said, nearly shouting. He was joking. He had to be joking. Just some sick, twisted, perverse joke... yeah.

"Come on, catgirl," Hidan said evilly. "You heard the man. Shut up and go to sleep."

/end

4/18/08.