Should I've got up that early ? After all, it was earlier than when I'm going to those practices... It was maybe a bad idea... But I was determinated to see Kaya as often as I could.

At this time, the metro was completely empty. But I wanted to know at what time he was arriving hier, if he ever took the subway on Saturdays, just to silently watch him, without him to know it because he was with Hora, on mornings.

Then I saw him, one hour after I arrived. He looked right in front of him, without emotion, as his... companion was buying their tickets. They then sat on a bench. None of them talked. They formed a really weird duo. Then Hora started to talk to Kaya, but he seems not to answer to what he was saying, as if he was talking to a wall, excepted that the other young man was shaking his head from time to time. Why was he so quiet ? Excepted with me... Was it like this when they were at home ? If it was... which kind of life had they ? Maybe Kaya talked only when he was at home...

The train arrived. Hora became quiet and pushed him on it. I feel like he would hold his hand this tightly forever. I was sure that he was holding it only because he doesn't want him to go away, as mothers and fathers are usually doing with their children. I decided to follow them. They end up by going off the train two stops farther. Trying to always have them in my sight, I followed them on the sidewalk until they disapeared into a big building... A recording studio. So they were musicians...

I stayed there for hours, only watching the building. I looked what there was around, I went to the back yard of it. I've been surprised to see that there was a fenced garden with a lot of rosier with some benches here and there. It was beautiful. Though I quit my daydreaming when I heard a door being shut. He was there ! But instead of looking right in front of him, as usual, he was keeping his head low and sat on one of those benches.

I couldn't see his face, but I was sure that I was crying. I was about to join him, but I saw Hora coming out of the building too. As if he was his master, Kaya got up even before Hora just tell him to do so. I could feel Hora's anger. He seemed so much to be Kaya's total opposite. I didn't knew what to do or think so I came back in the front of the building and waited them to get out, a few hours after this, and again, I followed them. It looked like the one I particularly affectionated still had his eyes wet when Hora left him alone on the side walk to enter another building, he was leaving him going back home alone. I waited a few minutes before going to walk next to him. He seemed frankly surprised.

"Hi ! Don't you think it's strange to see me here ? Actually, I was at a friend house and I was leaving and I saw you and I told myself that, as we were both walkin to the subway, we could walk together... Think it's a good idea ?"

"..."

He has that look which was filled with scepticism.

"No ? Okay, so I will take another way..."

"This neighborhood isn't residential."

I looked what was around us, only commercial buildings.

"Ah, yeah, but hum... Yeah, okay... I think it's quite obvious that I lied... Actually I..." I said, lowering my head with shame. "I followed you and Hora... I am too curious, I'm sorry... I shouldn't have done that, I know... But... It was stronger than me, see ? ... Okay, I better shut up..."

"..."

"So you both are musicians ?"

Yes...

"Me too. I'm singing in a band."

"..."

"May I ask you a question ?" I asked once we reached the subway station and that we were buying our tickets.

Yes...

"I saw that you were never talking to no one, excepted sometimes for me... It's not huge conversation, of course, but at least you are saying a few words... But it's not like this with Hora, or, at least, not in public places... I'm really wondering about that..."

"..."

"Okay, it was maybe a bit to much personnal... Anyway... would you mind to come at my place one day, just you and me having a bit more than a small talk ?"

Something shone in his eyes, he wanted to come, I was sure.

"I can't."

"Ah... Why ?"

"..."

"Overloaded schedule, I guess... I know this. It doesn't matter, it'll be later, then !"

There has been a short silence.

"Jui ?"

"Yes ?"

"You still want to know if Hora is my boyfriend, right ?"

"... Yes..."
"He isn't. He is only taking care of me."

"Taking care of you ?"

"Because I'm different."

"Ah..."

"The train..."

I had been a bit confused by his answer, but I followed him anyway in the wagon.

"I talked about many problems too, right ?"

"... Hai..."

"The thing is that Hora is a little xenophobic, I think. When he sees a stranger talking to me, he... well... you know what happens."

"... Yea..."

"I would like to go to your place, on day, but Hora would never let me go."

"You're not obliged to tell him..."

"He would see that I'm not there. I prefer not to go."

"... It's as you wish..."

We both stayed silent for a second, then he talked again.

"It has been a long time since I talked to someone in a public place..."

"Ah ?"

"To be honest, before, people were scaring me."

"..."

"Because something bad happened to me. But thank to Hora, I'm getting over it. I can take the suway alone, now."

"So, in the end, it's a good thing."

"Yes. I must get off, now..."

"Will you be there tomorrow ?"

"No, never on Sundays."

"Okay ! See you next Monday, then ! Bye bye !

"See you."

oOoOo

Part of the White Journal IV

May 20th, 2006

I learnt more about him today than during both of the previous day together ! This guy is incredible ! He's fascinating me ! It's sad that I can't see him tomorrow... And even more that he can't come here... We could have talked without being disturbed...

I feel like I'm becoming addicted... But is that really it ? Can we become addicted to someone as we can with drugs ? Can we be in need to see someone as we need to get a fix ? Someone we actually don't really know... Or... maybe I'm... in love... I feel like I'm talking as if I never had loved someone before... No, actually it's that I never loved that way. With Kaya, it's different. I wonder what he's thinking about this.

I would like to ask him some other question before asking him this one... Because... maybe he's someone very different from what I know about him... I would like to know more, to know what he likes, what he doesn't, where does he live, since when he knows Hora, why he is a little xenophobic, want hobby he has, if he's going to movie theaters sometimes... Everything about him...

I've been surprised in a good way that he talked that much to me, today... Maybe he's beginning to trust me ?