Operation: L.I.E.-D.E.T.E.C.T.O.R.

Part Zwei: Payback

A couple of months had passed since Nigel’s lie detector session, courtesy of Harvey. For the bald Brit, it was a horrible experience that he really wanted to put behind him. The only good thing that came out of it was that he and Rachel were now officially in a relationship, having finally admitted his feelings for the blonde Supreme Leader via electrical torture.

After returning from an ambassadorial trip to the New Avalon branch of the Galactic Kids Next Door, the couple was at the moment meeting Fanny at Café Romeo. “You wanted to see us, Numbuh 86?” Nigel enquired.

“Yes,” Fanny affirmed. “It’s regarding your lie detector test.”

“What about it?”

“We’re going to do another one,” Fanny stated, nodding her thanks to the waiter who brought them their drinks. “A dual test, actually, as we just acquired a second lie detector; Numbuhs 1 and 363 will be taking the test together.”

“How come?” Nigel wanted to know.

Fanny smirked. “Numbuh 363 is so careless,” she began, “One of the operatives working overtime saw him breaking into my office and infecting my computer with that virus, crashing it. He lied to me.”

Rachel’s eyes widened. “He did what?”

“You heard me, ma’am.”

“I know. He admitted it right before he gave me the test,” Nigel replied. “I apologize for not telling you sooner.”

“It’s okay. I wouldn’t have believed you; it’s no secret how you and Numbuh 363 resent each other. Anyways, he gave me the back-up files to replace mine that were lost in the crash, and in return I did him a favor. A favor that involved the two of you…”

“I’m aware of that,” said Nigel.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Fanny stated, taking a gulp of her mocha latte. “He crashed my computer and tricked me. I don’t like being tricked.”

“So, what plan do you have in mind? I’m assuming it has something to do with the second lie detector,” said Nigel.

“You assume correctly. I’m going to have a little fun.”

“Fun…?” Nigel raised an eyebrow. “How?”

“Two lie detectors. One working normally, the other rigged to always say that you’re telling the truth.” Fanny chuckled. “Let the fun begin…”

Nigel looked as though Christmas had come early, while Rachel looked uncertain. “I don’t know about this,” she began, stirring her cappuccino absent-mindedly, “I mean… Harvey was the one who brought me and Nigel together, after all.”

“He tortured Numbuh 1, you know,” Fanny reminded, “Without any remorse at all.”

“Ye… yes, that was very wrong of him.”

“And besides, it was my idea for the lie detector sessions. So, in a sense, I also brought you and Numbuh 1 together.”

“Hmm… I guess we do owe you a favor,” Rachel conceded, “So, what do you want us to do, Numbuh 86?”

Fanny grinned evilly, a sight that would’ve sent even the most hardened of operatives running in the opposite direction. “Lie.”

-XXX-

It was a hive of activity in Boaz’s assembly hall, as operatives filed in by the dozen. “Wow, place sure is packed today,” commented Hoagie as he entered, with his team-mates and Sector W following behind him. “Wonder why Numbuh 86 called all of us here for.”

“Yeah; my sister doesn’t usually do that unless it’s an emergency, or at least something really important,” Paddy concurred, and then a horrible thought struck him. “Don’t tell me they’re introducing the Decommissioning Act to the TND?”

Immediately Lee pulled Sonya closer to him, his baby-blue eyes filled with concern as he held her protectively. “Not cool,” he stated. Wally and Kuki exchanged a worried look.

“I highly doubt it,” said Tommy. “But still… unexpected things have happened.”

As the TND’s best two Sectors took their seats, they saw two of the latest lie detectors on the stage. They shivered slightly; their memories of that contraption weren’t exactly pleasant. Each device had a metal ring linked by wire to the main machine, which sent jolts of electricity through the person whenever he or she was less than honest. It had a keypad that locked the ring onto the person’s thumb and the correct code had to be punched in to release the person. It also had two bulbs that lit up according to the individual’s answers: green for truth and red for lies.

And Nigel was strapped to one of them, with Rachel standing beside him. “What are Numbuhs 1 and 362 doin’ down there?” Wally asked.

“We’re about to find out,” Abby replied, just as Fanny walked onto the stage.

Clearing her throat the TND’s second-in-command spoke. “Can anyone hear me?” she announced. When the audience voiced their affirmatives she continued, “Great. Before you ask, no, we’re not introducing the Decommissioning Act to the TND.” Although by the time we’re done with Numbuh 363, he’ll WISH we were. “I know everyone’s had a hard week of missions and such, so Numbuhs 1, 362 and myself have put together some entertainment for you.”

There were sighs of relief among the audience, which soon gave way to curious whispering. “As you can see, everything’s been prepared; the only thing left is our final guest, who should be arriving right about…” She looked at her watch. “…Now.”

No sooner had Fanny said that that the stage door opened, admitting Harvey. “Sorry I’m late, Numbuh 86,” he apologized.

“No matter,” said Fanny. “Sit down.”

Harvey started to walk forward, only to do a double-take when he saw Nigel and Rachel. “Err… why’s Numbuh 1 taking a re-test, and why’s my sister here?” he asked. Upon seeing the audience he did a bigger double-take. “What is the entire TND doing here, for that matter?”

“Don’t question my methods, Numbuh 363,” Fanny stated, “I believe I told you to sit down?”

Harvey obeyed, all the while experiencing that nasty sinking feeling.

“All right then,” Fanny announced, after the ring was affixed to Harvey’s thumb, “let’s begin. Numbuh 362, ma’am, if you will?”

“Of course.” Rachel turned to Nigel, a sly smile on her face. “How was the sex we had last week?”

Nigel smirked. “It was perfect.”

The light turned green. There was a stunned silence from the audience. Lee, Sonya and Paddy looked scandalized. Tommy, Patton, Wally and Hoagie had gone down on their knees and bowed, chanting “We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy…!” until the latter two were smacked upside the heads by their girlfriends.

Harvey was visibly pissed. “What the hell!! You had sex with –”

“Kindly refrain from speaking until your turn,” interrupted Fanny. “Otherwise, I’ll be forced to demote you.”

That shut Harvey up. Global officers were almost never demoted; if he was, Nigel – not to mention the others – would never let him live it down. Still, the anger was visible on his face; even though he greatly disliked Nigel, he still respected him as a fellow operative. Now, all that respect was gone.

I’m gonna cut his balls off, he thought, Very slowly…

Rachel asked her next question. “And do you think I’m hot and sexy?”

“Of course,” Nigel replied smugly. There were several raucous cheers of encouragement from the male spectators at that. “WOOH!! You dog, you!!” Patton hooted.

“Green,” stated Fanny.

More evil thoughts ran through Harvey’s mind. I’m gonna pour acid on his groin before I cut his balls off. Very, very slowly…

“Question three,” Rachel mustered her cutest smile, “Do you like kissing me?”

“Yes,” replied Nigel with a smirk. He turned to look at Harvey before adding, “Very much.”

“Green,” Fanny said again. “Do you ever lie, Numbuh 1?”

“Sometimes,” Nigel answered. “But not when it comes to my girl.” He gave Rachel a roguish wink behind his sunglasses as he said that.

His girl?! Harvey thought, Rachel isn’t his girl! She’s mine!! My big sister Leader!

“All right, Nigel,” Rachel spoke, waggling her eyebrows and her voice uncharacteristically seductive, “Remember our first time?”

“Like it was yesterday,” replied Nigel with a sick grin. “It was two months ago, in your brother’s bedroom when he was away on a mission. It was magical.”

“MY BEH – MY BEDROOM?!” screeched Harvey, shooting up in his seat and nearly tearing off the wire that connected him to the lie detector.

“SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, NUMBUH 363!!” Fanny roared. “If you break that machine, I swear I’ll castrate you myself!!” Taking a calming breath she then said, “Green; you have one question left, ma’am.”

Rachel smiled cheekily. “I’m pregnant. The results came back yesterday. Do you still love me?”

“More than anything,” Nigel answered with a smirk that made Harvey cringe. “I can’t wait to find out if it’s a boy or a girl.”

The light remained green. Harvey began to think unspeakably wicked thoughts again. His big sister Leader was deflowered and pregnant. Nigel Uno wasn’t going to lose just his family jewels; he was going to lose his arms, legs, and head. Harvey mulled over how slowly he would saw those skinny legs off before breaking those arms and snapping them like twigs. He was going to cut off that arrogant boiled-egg head of his with a rusty kitchen knife. He would then stuff the body parts into a metal barrel and toss it into the most polluted river in the area. Screw his germ-phobia; Nigel was going to meet a fate worse than death at his hands…

“Your turn, Numbuh 363,” Fanny stated. “Five questions for you. Numbuh 362 will confirm if you’re lying or not.”

Harvey struggled to control his temper. “Just ask,” he hissed.

“All right,” Fanny began. “Do you hate me?”

“Right now?” replied Harvey, “Hell, yeah!”

The green bulb lit up. “You shouldn’t speak that way to your superior, Harvey,” Rachel admonished.

“Shut up,” Harvey grated. “You were so pure. Now I find you’ve been whoring around with this piece of shit!!”

Wally jumped to his feet. “WHY DONT’CHA COME UP ‘ERE AN’ SAY IT TO MY FACE?!” he bellowed.

“Wally, calm down!” Kuki pacified. “…After the show.”

“Such harsh language, Numbuh 363,” Fanny said, a sly smile on her face. “The two of them love each other after all. Anyway, do you hate Numbuh 1?”

“You bet I do!” Harvey snapped harshly. “Uno, I challenge you to a duel later. I swear I’ll kick that scrawny ass of yours!!”

“Give it up,” replied Nigel haughtily. “You couldn’t beat me on the Level Five simulation yesterday, even at full health; there’s no way you can beat me now.”

“Green,” Rachel said, “on both lie detectors.”

The evil smirk didn’t leave Fanny’s face. “So, what would you like to do now?”

“I’d really like to kill all of you!!”

Rachel gasped. “Even me?”

“Even you!!”

Instantly the light turned red, and Harvey was zapped with electricity. “I knew you didn’t mean it,” Rachel said.

The Global Tactical Officer was reeling from the pain that coursed through his thumb. “I’d still like to kill Uno though,” he said.

“Green,” Rachel announced. “It’s a good thing my man can handle himself in a fight, right Nigel?”

“I’d kick your brother’s butt any day,” Nigel replied confidently. The light on his machine remained green.

“Fourth question,” Fanny started. “How do you plan to kill Numbuh 1? Hypothetically speaking, that is.”

“Violently,” Harvey replied, “Preferably with some duct tape, an old S.C.A.M.P.E.R., a cactus patch, a razor, a chainsaw, a rusty pick-axe, a metal barrel full of cement and a highly-polluted river.”

“Elaborate.”

“I’ll bind him with duct tape,” Harvey began, an insane grin on his face. “Then I’ll tie him to the back of an old S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and drag him through a cactus patch at a buhmillion miles an hour. Then I’ll saw his balls off with a razor in the slowest and most painful way possible. Then I’ll chop off his limbs with a chainsaw before striking his neck with a rusty pick-axe, making sure not to go all the way through so that he’s still alive. I’ll then stuff him and his severed limbs in a metal barrel and drown him in cement before loading the barrel in the aforementioned S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and pushing it into a highly-polluted river so he’s never seen or heard from ever again.”

The light remained green. Now it was so quiet, one could hear a pin drop. “That’s…” Fanny began, looking revolted, “…very creative…”

Rachel looked more than a little ill herself. “That’s really sick…”

“Waah… Numbuh 363’s so scary,” a 13-year old female operative in the room whimpered.

“Whoa, he’s pissed,” Hoagie whispered to Wally.

Nigel’s stoic expression remained unchanged, although he had visibly gone pale. So this was Harvey’s anger at its peak…

Turning to Fanny Rachel whispered, “I don’t want to do this anymore. Harvey’s really angry. It was fun at first, but – I feel so out-of-character! This isn’t me!!”

“It’ll be over soon, ma’am,” Fanny whispered back. “We just need to finish the allotted twenty questions each. There’s no turning back now.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Harvey asked.

Rachel immediately snapped back to her role of the traitorous sister who had given herself to her brother’s enemy. “Oh nothing; we were just talking about your history of botched-up dates.” Being the victim’s sister did have its advantages.

“What??”

“My, oh my… you flirted with a waitress when you went out with Bebe Stewart, and she dumped soda all over your head and walked out on you.” Rachel was counting off her fingers as she recalled. “And there was Kathy Bingham, who ditched you after you fell asleep and snored loudly while watching a romantic movie with her. Then there was Heather Donnelly; when you were picking her up, you slipped and landed face-first in her –”

By now the audience had been rendered nearly incapable with laughter; most of them were either clutching their sides or pounding their fists against their arm-rests. Tommy was rolling on the ground. Patton was leaning back in his seat, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. Wally and Hoagie were shaking with laughter, and Lee and Paddy, along with several other operatives, had to temporarily exit the room to get their laughter under control.

“What is wrong with you, Rachel?!” Harvey growled, his cheeks now burning hotter than Father’s flames. “You don’t normally talk or act like this!”

“I guess you don’t really know me,” Rachel replied in an uncharacteristically bitchy tone. Underneath, however, she was growing tense; silently she thanked the Drama classes she had taken in school.

“Fifth question,” Fanny cut in. “After this I’ll be asking Numbuh 1 another set of five, then Numbuh 362 will question you.”

“Just get on with it!!”

“You remember when Numbuhs 83 and 84 first joined Sector W, when you were still Commander?”

“Err… yeah?” Green…

“During their second week, did you lock Numbuh 83 in the storeroom without a light?”

“No!” Harvey replied – and was promptly zapped with electricity just as the light turned red.

Sector W shot to their feet, their expressions murderous. “THAT WAS YOU?!” Sonya shrieked.

“Harvey! How could you?!” Rachel exclaimed.

“Umm…ah…” Harvey stammered, “It was Numbuh 85’s idea!”

“HEY! DON’T MALIGN ME!!” Paddy shouted, just as Harvey was hit with another wave of electricity.

Meanwhile the audience were shaking their heads and loudly chiding Harvey, who was now in great pain. “Okay, okay! I did it!!” he admitted, “I was irritated by her habit of sleeping with the light on every night, and just wanted her to get over her fear of the dark!”

“Well, looks like your attempt to help didn’t work, now did it? Numbuh 83 cried for three days straight before Numbuh 84 could calm her down!” Fanny spat. “You’re getting a month’s toilet duty, soldier!”

“For what?!”

“For traumatizing a fellow KND operative!”

Harvey rolled his eyes. “Oh puh-lease, it was just a harmless prank. At least she didn’t have a sister who slept with the enemy! Can I use the washroom?”

“Nope.”

“I really have to go.”

“Red,” Rachel announced. “No, you don’t. If you did, the shocks would’ve made you wet yourself by now. Problem solved.”

“I hate you,” hissed Harvey. “I hate all of you.”

“Yeah? Well, you’re not exactly our most favorite person either,” muttered Abby.

“Red,” Rachel stated, “Not that it matters anyway. You could never hate me, Harvey; I’m your sister.” To Fanny she whispered, “If my brother never talks to me again, I am holding you responsible. I don’t want him to hate me.”

The Irish girl gave a long-suffering sigh. “I’ll be questioning you now, Numbuh 1. Five questions again. Are you ready?”

“Fire away, Numbuh 86.”

“Do you think you’re better than Numbuh 363?”

“I am better,” replied Nigel. “There’s no doubt about that. For one thing, I look way better than him; at least I don’t have teeth like Bugs Bunny.”

“Hey! Lay off the teeth!!” Harvey retorted. “Girls find them cute!”

“I never did,” said Fanny.

“You were never a girl.”

“And you are a girl so SHADDUP!!”

Harvey began to brood. This was all just a nightmare; he had to wake up some time… right?? “Question two,” Fanny continued, “What do you think of me?”

“I think you’re a wonderful person,” replied Nigel smoothly. “You’re very pretty, kind and impartial, and you’re passionate about your job. Why, you’re practically a role model to every operative in the Kids/Teens Next Door.”

“Green,” Rachel announced. “Isn’t this great, Numbuh 86? You’re a saint!”

Fanny beamed smugly. “Of course I am.”

“There’s your proof!!” Harvey yelled. “Uno’s machine is rigged! Numbuh 86 is the most sadistic bitch I know!”

A hush fell over the audience. “Green,” Rachel announced. “Oh dear…”

Fanny’s eye was twitching. “That’s your opinion,” she said coldly, “Another month’s toilet duty.”

“What? Why?!”

“For insulting a superior officer.”

Rachel cleared her throat. “The third question, Numbuh 86?”

“Oh, right.” Fanny turned to Nigel once more. “Do you think Numbuh 363 is gay?”

Nigel shook his head. “No. His infatuation with Erika Toda is proof that he isn’t. But he is a sissy. I once saw him accidentally brush his hand against some talcum powder in the bathroom and he screamed like a girl.”

The audience once again roared with laughter. “Aww, does wittle Harvey-kins need a huggy-wuggy?” Rachel said in a mock baby voice.

“I thought it was anthrax!!” Harvey defended. “How the crud was I supposed to know it was really talcum powder? They all look the bloody same!”

“Question four,” Fanny interrupted, “Is Numbuh 363 annoying you as much as he’s annoying me?”

“If you currently want to stuff him in a dog suit and pelt him with dice, then yes,” Nigel answered without missing a beat.

Still green… “Final question before Numbuh 362 starts asking Numbuh 363,” said Fanny. “How was your wedding at Vegas?”

“WEDDING AT VEGAS?!” Harvey thundered. “You married my sister in that undignified manner?!”

Fanny ignored Harvey. “So, how was it, Numbuh 1?”

“Drive-thru wedding,” answered Nigel. “We got pretty wasted that time. The motel had a soft bed, though.”

“MOTEL?!” Harvey was pretty red in the face by now.

“Motel. Short for ‘Motorist’s Hotel’,” Nigel explained as though he were talking to a five-year old. “You know, the place where –”

“You idiot! I know freaking well what a motel is!” Harvey shouted. “You defiled my sister in that kind of place!! When I get out of this chair and unhooked from this goddamned contraption, I’m gonna –”

“That’s enough, Harvey,” Rachel interrupted. “I liked the motel. It was thrilling.”

“Thrilling!? I’ll show you thrilling! Uno getting his balls chewed off by wild lemmings is thrilling! A motel isn’t!!”

“Wild lemmings?” echoed Nigel. “Aren’t they supposed to be herbivores?”

“…I don’t really know; the Discovery Channel didn’t really say th-d-d-d-d – don’t try to distract me!! This isn’t about lemmings! This is about me killing you!”

“Harvey, keep quiet,” Rachel cut in. “It’s my turn to ask you five questions.”

“How many are you going to ask us anyway?”

“Twenty each,” Fanny answered. “Numbuh 1’s already finished ten. You’ve only answered five.”

“First question,” Rachel began. “Do you really hate me?”

For a while Harvey looked as though he were about to scream Yes!! Then the harsh look in his eyes faded, ever so slightly. “No. I could never hate you. Not my big sister Leader.”

Rachel was in disbelief as the light remained green. “Really?”

“Of course,” replied Harvey. “I still remember that one time when I was five; we were out eating ice cream when I tripped, and my cone fell onto the pavement, and I got really upset. You hadn’t eaten yours yet, so you gave it to me. When I tried to give it back, you said you didn’t mind not having any ice cream, as long as I was happy again.”

The adorable mental picture invoked drew a chorus of “Awws” and cooing from the female operatives in the audience. Well, most of them. “That would’ve been really cute… if it had been anyone else,” Sonya griped.

Her team-mates gaped at her in shock. Where had THAT come from!?

Fanny, apparently, felt the same way as Sonya. “Aw, how sweet,” she cut in sarcastically, shooting an apologetic look at Paddy before continuing, “Could someone fetch me a bucket? I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Don’t ruin the brother-sister moment!!” Harvey snapped.

“You… still remember that.” Rachel was genuinely touched.

“You were the bestest big sister anyone could ever have. Of course this degenerate here –” (he glowered at Nigel) “– pretty much ruined you. Why, Rachel? Why did you sleep with him? Why did you marry him? Was it something I did? I brought the two of you together and this is how you repay me.” The upset and betrayed expression on Harvey’s face was enough to make the audience almost feel sorry for him. ‘Almost’ being the key word here.

Meanwhile Rachel was heavily badgered by her conscience; should she continue acting? “I love Nigel. I love him more than I’ll ever love you!”

“But why?”

“It’s just… because! Sibling love is different from romantic love! Moving on,” Rachel sighed. “As you know, I’m pregnant. Will you accept me and Nigel’s child?”

“Why wouldn’t I? The kid’s your flesh and blood. Never mind that it’s tainted by Uno.”

The light remained green. “Third question: you were a pretty energetic and scruffy child when you were young,” Rachel stated. “What happened to you to make you so germ-phobic?”

“It was during the Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease outbreak, when I was six,” Harvey answered. “Me and my friend Jeremy were playing in a sand-box along with several other children. The next day, he caught the disease. I was lucky enough not to, but after that incident I was paranoid of anything and anyone trying to touch me.”

“Green,” Fanny commented. “That explains a lot.”

Rachel continued. “Question four. Why do you hate Nigel?”

“I didn’t hate him this much before. Now my loathing has certainly grown. He deflowered, impregnated and married you in an undignified manner. You’re my big sister Leader! You shouldn’t wallow in mud!!”

“Like yourself, for instance?” muttered Tommy.

“If you love me, you must learn to love Nigel!!” Rachel proclaimed.

“Love him?” Harvey shuddered; beside him Nigel looked equally mortified. “Rachel, I’m straight. If you’re suggesting an incest threesome –”

A collective shudder rippled through the audience as their minds were assaulted by images of the worst kind. “No, kono baka!!” snapped Rachel; having Kuki for a friend tended to have its effects. “I’m not that lewd! Just – try to get along??”

“NEVAH! I’d sooner eat Grandma Stuffum’s cooking!”

Wally winced. “Ouch. Harsh.”

Still green… “They’re never going to get along, I guess,” Fanny stated resignedly.

“Final question,” said Rachel. “After this I’ll be asking Nigel and then Numbuh 86 will question you again.”

“Just ask the damn question!!”

“Do you think you’re better than Nigel?”

“I am a gajillion times better than that creature you love so much. At least I don’t parade around in stupid red sweaters, Bermudas and sunglasses on the job.”

“That’s because you have a flabby stomach, and thus can’t pull it off,” retorted Nigel.

“Actually,” interrupted Fanny, “Numbuh 363 has pretty solid abs; they’re the female students’ favorite thing to drool over during gym classes. And he also likes to show off his butt by wearing spandex shorts. I don’t really see his appeal, but it seems that other girls do.”

Rachel chuckled. “I guess the two of them are more or less tied in the looks department.”

“Nah,” Fanny shook her head. “I think Numbuh 1 looks more handsome.”

“Now, now, don’t go stealing my man, Numbuh 86,” Rachel joked. “You have Numbuh 60, remember?”

“What the fudge? Whose side are you on?!” Harvey demanded. “First you said I was hot and then you say Uno’s better-looking?”

“Numbuh 1 said I was pretty. You said I wasn’t a girl. Gee, who shall I choose?”

Harvey grumbled as Rachel began her questioning of Nigel. “What do you think of my brother?” she asked.

“Your brother is nothing like you. He’s a sick-minded person who takes perverse pleasure in torturing innocent individuals like me.”

“Well said, Numbuh 1!” shouted someone in the audience.

“You, innocent?!” mocked Harvey, “Don’t make me laugh! You went and dirtied my sister with desire!!”

“Was it my fault that she desired moi??” Nigel replied with a wicked smirk.

Harvey gave a primal snarl; one could almost see the steam coming out of his nostrils and ears. As for his face, well… “What an interesting shade of carmine,” Kuki remarked mildly.

I’m gonna feed that stupid idiot’s balls to a pack of rabid wolves after I saw them off with a razor, Harvey thought to himself, Rabid wolves… then I’ll gouge out his eyes and soak them in vinegar. I’ll cut out his annoying tongue and pull out his teeth one by one. Yeessss… then I’ll use my previous plan of violence, except that I’ll sew his lips together and fill the barrel with cobras and scorpions before I drown him in cement. Then I’ll pour gasoline over everything and set the whole damn S.C.A.M.P.E.R. on fire before I push it into the river!!

Meanwhile Rachel resumed her questioning of Nigel. “Did you like the whips and maple syrup?”

“Whips? Maple syrup?” echoed Harvey.

Nigel shook his head. “Not really. I’m not the kinky type of person. But you make everything fun.”

Once again the audience cringed as their minds were ravaged by very graphic mental images. Lee had a pained expression on his face. Sonya patted his hand comfortingly.

“You sick bastard!!” Harvey snarled. “You had kinky sex with Rachel?!”

Nigel shrugged. “She wanted it,” he replied indifferently.

Turning to Fanny Rachel whispered again. “For the record, I’d never really ask for kinky sex or any of those disgusting things; I’m just a really good actress.”

“What’re the two of you whispering about again?” Harvey demanded.

It was Fanny who answered this time. “About how big Nurse Kramer said you were at the last medical check-up. She’s not one to exaggerate and Numbuh 362 was curious.”

“What??”

“Kramer said you were pretty big. Although –” Rachel added, “Comparing to what I’ve seen on Nigel, Nigel’s more of a man than you are, my dear brother.”

Abby looked slightly green. “Waaay too much info,” she muttered. Fanny made a mental note to enroll the TND in therapy sessions for the next few weeks; they were going to need them.

Harvey continued to stew in his own juices. This was just a dream. A really bad dream… “Next question,” Rachel was saying; she was quite nervous about this question in particular. She sincerely hoped her acting skills wouldn’t fail her.

Slowly she approached Nigel and kissed him with as much lust, passion and careless abandon she could muster, and Nigel responded in kind. Just as they had practiced… soon it looked as though they were making a meal out of each others’ mouths.

Immediately wolf-whistles and cat-calls erupted throughout the audience, particularly from Wally, Hoagie and Patton. Sector W was staring, transfixed. “Was that tongue?!” Tommy exclaimed, wide-eyed.

“How are they breathing??” Paddy wondered.

“…Through their noses?” Lee suggested.

After what seemed like hours they broke apart. “Did you like that?” Rachel asked, licking her lips.

Nigel was momentarily struck dumb, but he soon composed himself. “Of course. No one could kiss better than you.” He paused to smile and wave to the cheering audience.

The light, as ever, remained green. Harvey returned to his thoughts of violence. I’m gonna pull off his fingernails and toenails one by one. Next, I’ll run a S.C.A.M.P.P. over his hands and feet before cutting them off with the rustiest Swiss army knife I can find. I’ll then shove a G.U.M.Z.O.O.K.A. in his mouth and fire it at full blast. Then I’ll S.C.A.M.P.P. his balls too before I saw them off with a rusty razor and feed them to the wolves. I’ll then force him to drink acid before I cut out his tongue, pull his teeth out and proceed with my newly-improved plan of violence.

“Question four: what do you think my brother’s thinking right now?”

“He probably wants to cut my balls off.”

“Green,” announced Fanny.

Harvey definitely wanted to cut Nigel’s balls off. He wanted to perform unspeakably violent acts on the bald Brit. How dare they kiss like that in front of him?! And Nigel actually had the audacity to look proud about it!! Please let this all be a nightmare, he thought to himself.

“Final question for now,” Rachel asked. “Why do you consider yourself superior to my brother?”

“Because I look and perform duties better.”

“Look better?!” Harvey interrupted. “You’re as bald as a boiled egg, and your fashion sense sucks since you wear the same sweater and Bermudas and those idiotic sunglasses to work everyday. And duties! You only got your position because your father was – whoop-dee-doo – Numbuh-freaking-Zero! And last I checked, I was previously Commander of Sector W, so I’m at least equal, if not higher in rank than you! I’m definitely superior!!”

Nigel sighed. “You REALLY have a grudge against the glasses, don’t you? It’s my style, Numbuh 363, so lay off. As for my baldness, it, along with the glasses, makes me look like Rude from Final Fantasy VII, whom your sister idolizes. Finally, you only got your position because your sister’s the Supreme Leader – no offense, Rachel.”

“None taken.”

“If it weren’t for that particular fact…” Nigel continued to Harvey, “I’d outrank you; remember, I have a higher, if not equal, mission success rate.”

Harvey looked about ready to explode with rage, and then he smiled psychotically. “You honestly think you’re better? That arrogance will be the death of you. And yes, I have a grudge against the sunglasses. They make you look even more stupid than you already are.”

“Says the person who looks like a love child of a flour sack and Mr. Snugglekins,” retorted Nigel.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it if I actually care about how polluted my surroundings are, particularly in present company. Forgive me for being concerned about my own welfare.”

“I guess that’s two Mackenzies who’re unable to wear tight clothing. One of them can’t because he’s gotten fat and the other because she’s carrying my child. If I hadn’t known better, I’d say you were both women. The only difference is that Rachel’s a pregnant one whom I love and you’re her sadistic brother who acts like one on perpetual PMS, whom I want nothing more than to beat off with a S.P.L.A.N.K.L.E.R.”

The rest of the TND were clearly enjoying this; Harvey wasn’t exactly very popular with them, and they wanted to see him get ragged on for once. “We should have lie detector sessions more often!” Hoagie chortled.

Fanny loudly cleared her throat. “I’ll now ask you five questions, Numbuh 363. Then I’ll ask Numbuh 1 his final five questions, and then Numbuh 362 will ask you your final five.”

“Let’s just end this so I can enact my plan of violence on Uno,” said Harvey.

“I guess that’ll be my first question then,” Fanny decided. “What is your current plan of violence?”

“I’m gonna pull off each of his fingernails and toenails one-by-one after I pry them up with the sharpest Swiss army knife I can find,” Harvey began, “Next, I’ll run a S.C.A.M.P.P. over his hands and feet. Then I’ll break all his burnt and bleeding fingers and toes before chopping them off with the same rusty razor I’m going to saw his balls off with. I’ll shove a G.U.M.Z.O.O.K.A. in his mouth and fire it at full blast, before I gouge his eyeballs out with a rusty screwdriver and soak them in vinegar. I’ll cut out his annoying tongue and pull out his teeth one by one before sewing his lips together. I won’t use the chainsaw and pick-axe anymore, since he’d lose too much blood and die too early. I’ll stuff his barely-alive body into a metal barrel with an Egyptian cobra and let it bite him before I drown the both of them in cement and put them in a C.O.O.L.B.U.S., which I will set on a course into the sun so no one will ever find his body. Finally, I’ll feed his eyes and balls to a pack of rabid wolves.”

Green. Once again there was silence; this time, one could not only hear the pin drop, but the echo that came afterwards. “…You, sir, have issues,” stated Fanny.

“I’m a really pissed-off brother.”

Rachel was nervous. She sincerely hoped Harvey would calm down once they revealed that it was all just a trick. She didn’t want to see Nigel die and she knew that her brother was currently motivated enough to commit the horrible acts he’d stated.

“Question two,” Fanny asked, “Would you still carry out this plan even if it made Numbuh 362 unhappy?”

Harvey sighed, and his expression softened. “Maybe I’d be less violent.”

Still green… “You’d do that to the father of your sister’s child?!” Fanny exclaimed.

Harvey thought for a moment. “We could always find a substitute father.”

The light remained green. Now Rachel was growing apprehensive. “But the baby would want its real father,” said Fanny. “What then?”

“I’ll just say that he died in an… unfortunate accident.”

“Green.” A lump had formed in Rachel’s throat; she wanted to burst into tears out of fear. Nigel was now white as a sheet, as was the audience. Had Harvey finally gone off the deep end?

Fanny scented danger as well. “But that’s not right,” she reasoned. “It’s wrong and evil. Numbuh 362 would be heartbroken; a lot of people commit suicide out of grief. Do you want that to happen to her?”

Harvey finally relented. “Maybe I’ll just give Uno a couple of black eyes or something; he’s not worth killing.”

The audience collectively let loose the breath they had been holding in relief, as did Nigel, Fanny and Rachel. They had honestly thought that Harvey would break loose and go on a rampage. “Final five questions for you, Numbuh 1,” said Fanny. “What do you think of Numbuh 363 now?”

“I think he’s delusional. First off, he’d never be able to catch me.”

“Green,” stated Rachel.

Harvey smiled insanely. “I’m going to look for a pack of rabid wolves to feed your balls to once I get out of here.”

“Harvey!!” Rachel blurted out, “Do you want to kill me?”

“Sorry, sorry.” Harvey took a deep breath. “Must calm down… only a nightmare…” he murmured to himself.

“Why do you think that?” Fanny asked Nigel.

“The only way he could catch me was if he put me to sleep with one of his boring speeches. Adonis was killed by a boar. I’d be killed by Numbuh 363, the biggest bore of all.”

Hoagie fell out of his seat, laughing hysterically. “That’s a good one, Numbuh 1!” he gasped. “Boar… boring!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!”

Abby buried her face in her hands. “Great; now Numbuh 5’s gonna be hearing that all the way back to the treehouse,” she muttered.

“My speeches are NOT boring!!” Harvey said indignantly.

“Yes, they are,” countered Fanny.

“Not as boring as your TND briefings were.”

“Operatives who yawned at me were severely dealt with. My briefings weren’t boring!!”

“They were scary for the newbies. They were boring for me. It was just your show of power and you just knocked them out using your S.L.U.G.G.U.H. You did that because you knew they’d fall asleep out of sheer boredom, and that’d be pretty embarrassing for you, wouldn’t it?”

“Shut up!!” Fanny snapped, turning back to Nigel. “How did you like the hotel room I got for you last night?”

“It was great. We had a lot of fun with the complimentary fruit basket,” replied Nigel, and with a slight tone of innuendo added, “We stuffed them up more than our mouths, if you catch my drift.”

Harvey was now practically frothing at the mouth. “I get what you cruddy mean!!” he snapped; again Nigel had to wonder how Harvey knew. “I’m definitely looking for an unused C.O.O.L.B.U.S., cement and a metal barrel now.”

“Harvey!!”

“Fine, I won’t. But only for you, Sis…”

Fanny cleared her throat. “Question four. Do you have a plan of violence for Numbuh 363?”

Nigel shook his head. “Nope. He’s not worth it,” he replied. “Actually, I’m flattered that he has a plan of violence for me. It goes to show that he really considers me a threat.”

“Don’t think too highly of yourself, Uno,” Harvey growled. “I realize now that you’re not even worth the effort. When I kill you, it will be unplanned, quick and painless. But I’ll still –” he stopped as Rachel glared at him, “– not kill you…” he finished through clenched teeth.

“Final question,” Fanny announced. “After this Numbuh 362 will ask Numbuh 363 his final five questions and you’ll both be free.” With a small smirk she asked, “Do you think we’re succeeding?”

“Most definitely,” Nigel replied smugly.

“Hah??” Harvey blinked, as did the rest of the audience. Just what were they succeeding at?

“It’s your turn now, Harvey,” said Rachel. “After these five questions, it’ll be all over.”

“Ohh-kay…”

“Do you really believe this is happening?”

“What’re you – well, yes.”

“Green,” stated Fanny, her smirk growing wider.

“So you really think I’m pregnant?” Rachel asked incredulously.

Harvey was really bewildered. “…Yeah?”

Fanny’s grin grew to Cheshire cat-like proportions as the light remained green. “That’s cruel,” Rachel reproached in a slightly hurt voice. “Do you believe I’m fat enough to look like a pregnant woman? I mean, I do have the healthy complexion, but Geez Louise, Harvey! How could you think that?”

Meanwhile Sector W, Hoagie, Kuki, Patton and Abby had figured out what was going on, and they were uncertain whether to break down laughing or feel sympathy for Harvey.

“Third question,” continued Rachel, as though she’d never uttered the previous statements. “Do you really think I had kinky sex with Nigel?”

“…Yeah?”

“Green,” Fanny stated; her smirk was now bordering that of crazed joy. Rachel smiled. “Wow, I’m a really good actress,” she said.

Now it was the audience’s turn to realize what was going on; they were stuffing their fists into their mouths. Though a little slow on the uptake, Wally had also figured it out, and was convulsing in silent laughter.

“Wait a sec,” Harvey began, “you mean –”

“Four,” Rachel cut across him, “Do you honestly believe I’d go through a drive-thru wedding in Las Vegas?”

“But you said –”

“Just answer!”

“Yes…?”

“Green.” Fanny’s grin was now reminiscent of the Wicked Witch of the West’s. “You’re such a sucker, Numbuh 363!”

“That’s because I’m really good,” Rachel added, high-fiving Fanny. “Last question, do you really think I’ve lost my…innocence?”

“Well, I – yeah…”

“I can’t believe you, Harvey! I am the Supreme Leader of the TND after all; I have my morals! Besides, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

By now Harvey felt as though he was trapped in a strange alternate universe wherein everyone knew something he didn’t. “What’s goin’ on here?!” he asked.

At the moment Nigel was removing his thumb-ring, just as Fanny entered the code that disengaged the ring from Harvey’s thumb. “You got your comeuppance, Numbuh 363,” said the second-in-command, “I found out you were the one behind the virus, and since Numbuh 1 was itching for revenge he, Numbuh 362 and myself set the whole thing up. I rigged Numbuh 1’s machine to always say he was telling the truth.”

“So… Rachel’s not pregnant?”

“No,” Rachel shook her head. “I’m still sweet, innocent and unmarried. I’m not into kinky sex either. Don’t get me wrong though; I still love Nigel.”

“But – that kiss –”

“We had to practice that,” Nigel interjected. “Rachel and I aren’t sexually promiscuous… though I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it.”

Rachel blushed, which faded when she saw Harvey’s face contort with rage. “Don’t give me that look, Harvey. You had it coming.”

“Don’t ever trick me again, Numbuh 363,” Fanny threatened. “Next time I won’t be so merciful.”

“Nothing could possibly be worse than this.”

“I could make a few of Nigel’s lies come true,” Rachel suggested. “Remember, dear brother, I outrank you. I could simply hop in a S.C.A.M.P.E.R. with Nigel and drive to Las Vegas in a jiffy. You’ll never know what hit you.”

“You wouldn’t!!”

“Oh, I would.” Rachel’s voice was stern. “I’m seventeen; I hardly need your protection. Please try to get along with Nigel. I love him and I’d hate to lose my innocence just to force you two to tolerate each other’s presence.”

Harvey sighed reluctantly. “Fine. But…the rest of them were all lies, right?”

Fanny smiled evilly. “I didn’t say that; I only said that the machine was rigged to always say that Numbuh 1 was telling the truth. Only he himself knows what lies he told. Some of the things he said could be true…”

Immediately the color drained from Harvey’s face. “What did you do?!”

Nigel grinned. “I’ll tell you one thing: your bedroom is a good make-out spot. Don’t you agree, Rachel?”

“I’m not sure,” Rachel said mischievously. “If Harvey forces my hand, the next time he goes on a mission it’s going to be way more than that.”

“You can’t do this to me!!” Harvey spluttered; turning to the audience – who were now in stitches – he located his former team-mates. “Guys, back me up here!”

Sector W pretended to consider. “Let’s see…” Lee began, “you lock my girlfriend in a dark storeroom, nearly scarring her for life –”

“– And try to pin the blame on me,” added Paddy.

“And you thought we wouldn’t take it personally?” Tommy’s voice was deadly.

“You brought it on yourself, Numbuh 363,” Sonya chipped in.

And in unison they finished, “YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!!”

Fanny smirked. “The tribe has spoken, Numbuh 363,” she announced. Turning to the audience she spoke: “Teens Next Door… dis-missed!!”

“Teens Next Door…RULES!!” With that rousing cry the TND was soon filing out the hall towards the docking bay. “Scratch what I said earlier on,” the girl from earlier said, “Numbuh 86 is scarier.”

“See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!!” Hoagie called to Harvey, while Wally flashed the ‘L’ sign. Sector W, Patton, Abby and Kuki threw mocking salutes at him before exiting with the rest.

As the last operative had left, Harvey was still frozen in his seat, staring blankly into space. So this is what Hades looked like… he had certainly met Cerberus in the form of Nigel, Rachel and Fanny. His soul felt utterly mutilated.

As Nigel passed him he patted him on the shoulder. “See you, Harvey,” said Rachel, ruffling his hair and leaving the hall with Nigel, holding hands. Harvey didn’t even move.

“Goodbye, Numbuh 363,” Fanny spoke as she was about to exit. “I shall expect you scrubbing the toilets first thing in the morning, tomorrow.” And then, placing her pinky to the corner of her mouth Dr. Evil-style let loose a horrifying cackle. “I’ve had my revenge!!”

There was silence. And then standing up Harvey ran out the door, right into the sanctuary of his office. Rushing into the bathroom he shut and locked the door, taking several deep breaths as he tried to block out the horrifying visions. The three faces of his tormentors, along with the laughing audience, flooded his mind. “This never happened,” he muttered to himself, trying to get a grip on his shattered psyche. “This never happened…”

Still, visions of his sister getting intimate with his enemy played over and over in his head. With no other recourse he whipped out his 2x4 communicator and dialed a number.

“Hello? …Yes, I’d like to order two sacks of your best quick-drying cement. And do you know any good used C.O.O.L.B.U.S. dealers?”

It was the only way he could be at peace…

END TRANSMISSION

Author’s Notes

Poor Harvey; I hope I didn’t ruin him TOO much… and yep, the Galactic KND is included, though not in the way Operation: I.N.T.E.R.V.I.E.W.S. depicted them; here, it’s more similar to the Galactic Republic from Star Wars. Also note the slight reference to BattleTech and Yu-Gi-Oh.

Hell hath no fury like Fanny tricked, indeed.

Yes, the Hand, Foot and Mouth disease is real; it happened in Singapore a few years back. Not a good experience.

Anyone else think that Nigel looks like a miniaturized version of Rude from FFVII?

You probably know Erika Toda as Misa Amane from the Death Note movies.

With that aside, please tell me what you think.