Chapter Six: Broken

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.

Coldplay – Warning Sign

There was something insistent nudging at the edge of my consciousness as I groaned out loud at the blinding pain that was erupting in my head. I was face down in my pillow, with a severe case of cotton mouth and nausea biting at the pit of my stomach. My whole body was unresponsive and sluggish as my hand slapped around for the source of the shrill sound that was making the pain in my head more intense. My eyes narrowed as I groped for my cell phone, managing to flip on my back so I could read the caller I.D through my blurry eyes.

Dispatch.

I flipped the phone open, holding it to my ear as my gaze shifted to the alarm clock.

I’d had three hours sleep, and considering the amount I’d had to drink I was glad Calleigh had made me come home when I did. I wasn’t used to drowning my sorrows, not like this. Everything from the last few days was impeding on me and I had to admit I was finding it hard to deal with it all.

Horatio had told me this was the part of UC that they didn’t tell you about. The part where your head was so fucked up you didn’t know who the hell you are, let alone what you were doing there. He’d also informed me that UC cops had a tendency to suffer from mental break downs because they shut up. They just didn’t talk because they weren’t used to being able too. They bottled things up and before you know it you’re looking down the barrel of your gun and wondering whether to put it in your mouth or against your head.

Thankfully I had locked my gun safely away last night.

Was it really that bad? I didn’t know anymore. I didn’t expect building a life to be this hard. I guess I thought after all those years playing with the Mob that this would be a breeze, but in truth it wasn’t. Everyday I got up and went to work with a guy I used to love, hell probably still loved, knowing he was getting on with his life, whilst I couldn’t seem to get him the hell out of my head. Add to that the crime scenes and the fact that despite Horatio’s prompting, I still couldn’t open my mouth to talk about the things that were ticking over in my head.

I knew he was worried, not just on a professional level, on a more personal one. He knew me, he knew I shut down instead of raving and screaming and crying, he also knew that wasn’t healthy. Normal people talked about their problems. When I opened my mouth not a single word came out. The truth was I’d lost the only person I’d ever confided in when I’d broken his heart and took off to take part in an undercover investigation on the Mob.

The fact it was my own fault pissed me off even more.

Dispatch was talking in my ear, I stifled a yawn listening to the voice on the other end, and somehow managing to pull myself up into a sitting position. One hand clutching at the pain in my head as I spoke.

“I’ll be right there.”

The sun was blazing as I climbed out of the Hummer, sun glasses hiding my tired eyes. The pain in my head had sunk into a dull ache after I’d popped some pain killers and the coffee was hitting me so I could actually keep my eyes open. A nervous energy was buzzing in my stomach as I raised my head to the huge multicoloured building in front of me.

A kid’s indoor amusement centre.

Zany Town.

Shit.

“Hey, someone looks a little worse for wear this morning.” Delko called out from my right.

I turned to see him and Tim striding towards me, both sporting solemn expressions.

“Sh…” I put a finger to my lips, indicating for Eric to be quiet in the presence of my hang over.

Eric frowned, trying to figure out why I was silencing him. Tim crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head, and narrowing his eyes.

“I recognize this look. She’s hung over, a pretty bad one by the looks of things. How are you even functioning?” he asked frowning trying to get a look at my eyes behind the sunglasses.

“Coffee…lots and lots of coffee.” I groaned as we began to walk towards the building.

“You know why we’re here right?” Tim asked as Eric stepped past the uniforms next to the entrance.

“Horatio filled me in on the way. I have to say I’m not looking forward to it.” I said as I took off my sun glasses and raised my eyes to meet his.

The expression on Tim’s face shocked me. His eyebrows were knotted together in concern as he studied me.

“You ok?” he questioned, turning his head away to glance back at the Hummer.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, rubbing the spot between my sore eyes.

“I just haven’t been sleeping much.” I told him, looking down at my boots.

“I can see that.” Tim responded. “I think you should talk to someone.”

I pursed my lips and shook my head, my arms crossed over my chest.

“Can you really see me of all people doing that?” I asked him honestly.

“Kate.” he stated firmly. “It'll help. It always helps to get things off your chest, lighten the load.”

“We’ve got a job to do.” I told him dully before moving to step away from him.

Tim’s hand caught my arm, stirring me back towards him. We were inches apart now, a tension brewing between us and not the good kind. His dark eyes were boring straight into mine.

"You won't have a job to do if you're too wrecked to do it. H sees you like this, he'll know you're not coping and make you do something about it. Make it easier on yourself and get the help before he forces you to get it.” Tim spoke through a clenched jaw.

I tore my arm away from him, growling.

“I’m dealing with it, so do me a favour and drop it.” I spat before turning my back on him and marching towards the crowd of parents and screaming children.

She looked like a tiny fallen angel just laying there, the embodiment of pure innocence ravaged by what can only be described as the essence of pure evil.

Ruthie Crighton had never stood a chance against her killer.

Her beautiful blond locks had been cut off and were lying next to her on the cold tiles. She was clad in tattered boy’s clothes, a size to big. The pants were down by her ankles but the brown shirt managed to hide her modesty.

There was a deep sickness in the pit of my stomach that I knew I wouldn’t be able to shift until long after this case was over. It was coupled with a huge overwhelming sense of sadness, lose and indignant rage.

No child deserved this.

Horatio was standing off to my side, actually inside the room as I fumbled with the straps on my camera bag. His oceanic blue eyes were taking in every single detail of the scene.

“You ok with this?” he asked softly, hands on his hips, his eyes resting on the fallen child.

“I’ll live with it. We need to get the bastard that did this.” I told him, picking up the camera and raising it to my eye level before peering through the lenses.

“We will, he’s left us plenty of evidence to process.” Horatio reassured me, as I began clicking away capturing the crime scene in front of us.

Horatio was crouching down now, peering at something on the floor.

“What do you have?” I asked, crouching down next to him as he pointed at a glittery trail.

“You think it’s off the kid?” I asked, photographing the scattered bits of gold glitter.

“It looks like transfer on her.” Horatio remarked, looking closer.

I rose to my feet and glanced at the cone before snapping a picture of it.

“You think he used the cone to get a little privacy?”

“It’s a possibility.” Horatio stated.

“Cut hair, and boy’s clothes, you think he was trying to disguise her?” I inquired, snapping pictures of the hair.

“I think he was trying to smuggle her out, which means he didn’t mean to kill her here.” Horatio murmured as he crouched down closer to the body.

I found myself speaking my thoughts out loud.

“Which makes this all the more sinister.”

Speed had seen bodies before, in all shapes and sizes. Over the past six years he’d seen horrific things, sometimes he wondered how the hell humans could do that to each other. He thought of himself as a veteran almost, un-fazed when it came to dead bodies and decomp. But when he stepped into that room…

Nothing could block out the image in front of him. And for the first time in a long time Tim Speedle had had to look away.

The kid was splayed out in front of him, she looked like she was sleeping and it was that that caused him to choke. He swallowed hard averting his gaze as Kate and Horatio turned their heads towards him standing in the door way.

“What have you got?” Horatio asked quietly.

He closed his eyes to block out the scene before him. Bile was rising from the pit of his stomach. He knew this would break him, if there was ever a night he’d need someone to make him forget, even if it was Megan, it would be tonight.

“Automatic lock up system.” He paused, sucking in a deep breath to steady himself before continuing. “Windows barred, doors gated, storage units on keyed alarm.”

Speedle opened his eyes again, trying to look anywhere except at that tiny brutalised body. He heard himself sigh deeply, a trick he used to compose himself.

“Basic kid playground turned high security prison.”

His gaze had slipped to body again; he was finding it hard to think of it as a body. That was someone’s child lying there. Someone’s little girl.

“Crime kit?” His eyes lingered on Kate now, crouched next to the body, crime scene camera clasped tightly in her hands.

Her evergreen eyes looked dull and lifeless as they stared up at him. The make up couldn’t hide the dark circles around her eyes, or the paleness of her skin. She looked drained, and exhausted. It scared him seeing her like this; he knew she was on the road to break down.

Focusing on Kate was easier than focusing on the child like corpse in front of him. Looking at her made it easier to deal with, easier to ignore. All he wanted was out of this room, he felt like he was having trouble breathing.

“I’ve been searching the crowd subtly, checking it out. Didn’t see anything that looked like one.” He informed them in a grave tone.

“Add glitter transfer ok?” Speed switched his gaze to Horatio, before turning his back on the whole sickening scene.

He didn’t envy Kate and H one bit.

“There is something immensely disturbing about a guy hanging around one of these places without a kid.” Eric murmured as I stepped up along side him.

“What did you get?” I asked him, rubbing at my eyes.

Eric pointed at the group of four men, three with children, one without, standing in a booth, waiting.

“Four that refuse to have their prints taken. One doesn’t have s a kid and looks good for it.” I leaned closer, getting a more rounded look at the guy Eric was poking his pencil at.

“He’s got glitter on his shirt.” I commented.

“Yea Speedle’s already taped him.” Eric confirmed.

“Let me guess, against his will.” I chuckled, shaking my head, before an idea sprung into my head. “Do you have any lubricant or lotion in your kit?”

“Why you think you can get his prints? I hope it’s for getting his prints.” Eric said light-heartedly as he handed me the lotion out of his kit.

“If I get them you have to carry all of the security tapes to the Hummer.” I told him rubbing the lotion all over my hands, before taking the clipboard and the pencil from Eric.

“I think that’s a fair deal.” Eric agreed, folding his arms over his chest.

“Now watch a master at work.” I winked before setting off towards booth swaying my hips as I walked.

The clipboard slipped from my hands as expected as I stepped towards Brad Repkin. It clattered on the floor along with the pencil. Repkin’s eyes met mine, I gave him a small smile as I brushed a stray stand from my pony tail away from my face. He bent down to pick up the clipboard and hand it back to me.

“Your name Brad Repkin?” I asked sweetly.

Repkin nodded his affirmation. I spun on my heel and returned to Eric who was miming applause.

I handed him the clipboard grinning.

“Nicely done.” He complimented.

“Being female has its advantages.” I returned playfully. “Now let me show you where those security tapes are.”

The AV lab was cool, and the air condition felt good on my skin as I sat next to Calleigh, watching the set of four TV screens in front of us.

The scrutiny tapes so far had shown Ruthie being guided along a corridor by someone out of sight. This guy was smart he managed to keep out of the way of the cameras.

“Where are you, you perv?” Calleigh murmured from besides me.

Despite the whole situation and nature of this case I found myself laughing. Calleigh turned her head towards me flicking pause on the videos so we could take few minutes worth of break. A small smile crossed her face.

“Sorry I don’t realize I do the whole talking to myself thing sometimes.” She told me, sheepishly.

I held up a hand, still giggling.

“No it’s fine, it was just funny I think with all the horror in this case you’ve given me the first laugh of the day.”

Calleigh checked her watch with a small sigh before running her hands through her hair.

“And we’ve only been working on it for six hours so far.” Calleigh informed me.

I put my hands to my face rubbing it, and then stretched out my arms, trying to un-knot the tension in my shoulders.

“None of us are going to rest until we catch this guy. Jesus Christ I need coffee.” I moaned, resting my chin on my hand.

“That’ll be what, your eighth cup today.” Calleigh remarked, picking up the remote to un-pause the screens.

“It’s more like four, if you don’t count the fact one was a double shot of espresso.” I replied, eyes on the screen as she pressed play.

“You’re wearing yourself down girl.” Calleigh mentioned, also turning her attention to the TV screens.

“I’ll sleep after this case.” I promised.

It was two minutes later when I found myself staring at something I sincerely hoped I was imagining.

“Calleigh I think I’ve got him.” I muttered, feeling utterly sickened at the image in front of me.

Calleigh twisted her head towards the screen I was pointing at, her nose wrinkling in disgust.

“So we know that he didn’t take Ruthie, he was playing pocket pole instead.” Calleigh stated, as we both leaned back in our chairs, staring at the screen in silence.

“I think my retinas haven just been burnt out of their sockets.” I told her, rubbing my eyes and trying to get the image of that guy out of my head.

“He still violated parole; he is still going back to prison.” Calleigh assured me pressing stop once Repkin had reached orgasm.

“You wanna be the one to tell Horatio or should I?” I asked Calleigh, as we both rose to our feet, still disturbed by what we’d seen.

“I’ll tell him, you go get yourself some coffee before you fall down where you stand.” Calleigh said openly.

“I look that bad huh?” I inquired, pushing my hair away from my face.

“You’ve looked better.” Calleigh reasoned.

“I’m just finding it impossible to sleep at the moment; I have so many things rushing around my head all the time. I think its part of the adjusting period, it’s killing me though.” I admitted.

“Have you tried sleeping tablets?” Calleigh asked as we stepped towards the door the AV Lab.

“I won’t, I still have that paranoia after the fire…” I pursed my lips together as Calleigh held the door open.

“That’s understandable. You hadn’t woken up, you would have died. Do you think that’s part of the reason you can’t sleep now?” Calleigh questioned thoughtfully.

I shrugged.

“Who knows? You want sugar in your coffee?” I said trying to change the subject.

Calleigh gave me a wide smile, holding up two fingers, indicating two sugars.

“Good luck with Horatio.” I called back over my shoulder as I began walking away to retrieve the caffeine I so desperately needed.

“Kate.”

I shot up bolt right in my seat, groggy and stiff as I heard my name being called again. I glanced up surprised to see Horatio standing over me, a small smile crossing his face as I looked around at the desk in front of me confused before realizing what must have happened.

I’d fallen asleep, face down at my desk.

“Shit, I’m so sorry Horatio, I must have closed my eyes for a second…” he held up a hand to silence me as I shuffled the papers in front of me trying to get them into some sort of order.

“That’s ok Kate…You’ve been tired a lot recently… I think we need to talk about that.” Horatio stated quietly before pulling up a chair along side me and slipping into it.

I bowed my head, focusing on the papers in my hands.

“I’m fine, really…” I mumbled.

“I think you know that’s not true is it?” Horatio said softly.

I bit my bottom lip and shook my head before raising my eyes to his.

“There are things that I can’t seem to get out of my head…I don’t want to go to sleep because then I know I’ll dream and I don’t want to dream. I don’t want to have the nightmares Horatio… I really don’t.”

I clenched my jaw, trying to compose myself as he watched me thoughtfully. I turned my head away, pretending to be distracted by something on the desk.

“Here’s what I’m going to do.” Horatio began. “When this case is over, you going to take a few days leave, and your going to come back well rested. If I think that you’re still run down after that, I’m going to have to recommend the department shrink.”

My eyes were on him wide and alarmed at his last part. Horatio’s hand was on my arm, rubbing it gently.

“There is no shame in getting a little help Kate, especially after what happened to you.” He reassured me.

I looked down at the papers in my hands, letting out a deep sigh and nodding.

“Ok so what do you have?” Horatio asked, switching into professional mode with ease.

I rose to my feet, pointing in the direction of the foot print.

“Our guys defiantly not a first timer, shoes are too big for him, I’m thinking maybe three sizes from the impression, but its hard to be sure. There as soil outlining the print so I sent it over to Trace. Speedle should be taking care of it.”

“He has, Megan’s running a location right now. That’s what I came to tell you.” Horatio informed me.

“You mean we may have found the guy?!” I exclaimed, shedding my lab coat.

“That’s what we’re going to find out.”

The house was more like a shack on the outskirts of a national park. I rode with Calleigh on the way in, unable to take my eyes off the building in front of us.

“Kits and gloves people. Leave no stone unturned.” Horatio bellowed before any of use stepped inside.

The inside was worse than the outside. Dust covered every surface, it became clear that this place wasn’t lived in, it was played in.

Each of use took a different section of the shack. I found myself opening the wardrobe staring at something at my feet, sets of shoes in a variety of different shapes and sizes. All made for kids.

My gaze travelled upwards, as I flashed my crime light at the closet’s main occupants. Multicoloured clothing, I flicked through them. Uniforms, for kid’s places, we had a whole dozen in here. I felt my mouth go dry wondering how many the bastard had actually used.

“Got disguises in the closet, all different kids play areas.” I informed Horatio pulling out of the closet and pushing the door shut.

I turned to face Tim as he stepped through another door way and dumped a huge plastic box onto the floor in front of us. It was filled with video tapes. I swallowed hard, already knowing what it was.

“And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.” He warned us.

From where I was standing I could see the labelling on the videos were all hand written not typed.

“Home made porn.” I murmured.

Tim raised his eyes to mine, looking utterly sickened and I knew his expression matched mine.

The numbness was back, taking over me like it used to when I was UC. It took control, making me indifferent and rational until it wore off. For once I was glad for it, I couldn’t see myself coping with seeing all this shit, any other way.

“He’s got all these milk cartons lined up here.” Eric remarked, shining his touch on the name and picture of each child as he skimmed across them over looking the window.

“You think souvenirs?” I asked Horatio as he gazed out of the window, looking absolutely appalled.

“I’m thinking gravestones.” His voice was quiet but his words had the effect of a small explosion.

My heart was thudding in my chest as I followed his gaze to the yard outside seeing a spate of fresh dirt.

A chill ran up my spine as I felt my stomach wretch a little.

We were looking at a grave yard.

Nightfall had set in long ago and we were still working like dedicated soldiers through it. The flood lights was shining one the ground surrounding us as we worked on our own patches of dirt, searching for bodies and evidence. We were tireless and devoted, digging up body after body. Each one holding some new form of horror, as the body count rose.

Some of the children were buried naked, others partially dressed.

It was the little girl with her arms wrapped around a broken doll that got me. She was clutching it so tightly Alexx had trouble removing it from her grasp. I felt myself choke, watching Alexx gently tugging it from the little girl’s arms, talking as if she was easing the child away from her favourite toy.

I was struggling to hold back the tears now as Alexx cradled the doll delicately and handed it gently towards me.

“I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry you had to see this.” Alexx whispered to me softly as she caught sight of the tears running down my cheeks.

“I have to see what he did to them, otherwise it’s like they didn’t exist.” I murmured, tucking the doll into an evidence bag and sealing the tape.

Alexx nodded her agreement.

“The more bodies we find the more parents we can offer closure to. Still it doesn’t make the job any easier. Why don’t you go over there and take a little break? You’ve been working with me all night Kate.” Alexx urged, pointing in the direction of the command tent.

I shook my head, and glanced at the shallow graves surrounding us.

“There’s still so much left to do.” I said sadly.

“You’re like him you know.” Alexx told me.

“Who?”

“Horatio. You won’t rest until the last child is dug up and everyone else is asleep in their beds.” Alexx informed me.

“It’s the only way I can be.” I responded.

Alexx’s eyes were on me curious and patient.

“You’re too young to see all this horror. Sometimes I see you, and Calleigh and Eric and Timmy and think you’re all too young to do this job. You should be out having fun, and travelling or something. But no matter what I think I have to admit you all give it everything you’ve got. When it comes to something like this, that’s important, despite the fact I think you shouldn’t have to see it.”

“We have to work with what God gave us. Isn’t that one of your sayings?” I pointed out.

“So you do listen to me after all child.” Alexx smiled a little.

“All the time Alexx.” I admitted.

“Then you’ll take a break?” Alexx persisted.

“I will when you will.” I countered.

“That won’t be for a while sugar, I have a few more to get through.” She said, looking around at the bodies the others had dug up.

“Then I’ll work with you until we put the last child to rest.” I told her.

“If you were a red head I’d say you were Horatio’s daughter through and through.” Alexx stated, indicating for her team to come over to move the little girl’s body into a black body bag.

“Red never was my colour.” I said softly as we both rose to our feet, felling silent as the morgue guys rolled over the gurney.

The ride back to the lab was silent. Calleigh was driving, her gaze staring dead ahead as her limbs worked mechanically to control the car as we sped through the streets of Miami.

I knew she was processing, just like I was. Going over every single detail. The costumes he’s used, the porn he’d watched, the porn he’d made. What he’d done to each victim. I could see them all there in my head, each name, each face.

That little girl and her doll…

My stomach rolled as my throat constricted suddenly. I braced myself on the dashboard with my hand.

“Pull over.” I said suddenly.

Calleigh didn’t even question me. She yanked the wheel so hard we cut across two lanes of traffics, tires squealing to a halt as she slammed on the breaks.

My hand clapped over my mouth, as my stomach wretched, I managed to grasp the door hand and kick open the door before darting out of the car and throwing up inside the first bin I came across, which happened to be just along side the Hummer.

My hands gripped the metal so hard, it left indents on my palms as I bent over it coughing and spluttering, before vomiting into it. Calleigh’s hands were on my hair, smoothing it back and holding it in place as I stood there waiting for by body to stop reacting to the shock of what we’d seen. I knew this moment had been coming I just hadn’t expected it so soon, and having Calleigh bear witness to it seemed humiliating.

“You ok now?” Calleigh asked after I stood there for a few minutes still hunched over the metal container trying to get my breath back.

I nodded unable to trust myself to speak. I was exhausted and clammy. The past forty eight hours were taking its toll on my body. I was ready to curl up and die.

I straightened myself as Calleigh passed me her bottle of water from the Hummer. I took it gratefully, and took a swig of it spitting in the bin to rinse my mouth.

“You’re not the only one to throw up over a crime scene you know. I’ve thrown up at one’s far less worse than this. We all have our breaking points Kate and you just reached yours.” Calleigh reassured me rubbing my back.

“I don’t understand how that sick son of a bitch can do something like that to a child, to that many children. I just can’t comprehend it.” I tried to explain.

“I know but the truth is, you’re never going to be able to comprehend it. You need to let go of the how he could do that and focus on the catching him part. We’re almost there Kate we almost have him.” Calleigh comforted me, her words were soothing but I still couldn’t get the image of those kid’s faces out of my head.

Calleigh was guiding me back to the Hummer now, and I was still swigging from the water.

“You right.” I muttered as we climbed in. “We almost have him.”

Calleigh’s phone erupted suddenly with noise, serenading us with the Bad Boy’s theme tune.

“I can not believe you have that as Delko’s ring tone.” I told her closing the door to the Hummer behind me and buckling my seat belt again.

Calleigh shot me one of her sweet southern grins.

“At least I know whose calling.” She remarked before flicking her phone open.

“Duquesne.” She answered.

I tilted my head back against the seat, feeling the tiredness spread through my body. Calleigh snapped her phone shut before turning to face me in her seat.

“We’ve got him.”

Metallica was playing in his head phones as Speedle bowed his head muttering along to Enter Sandman, as he finished the final assessments of the evidence in front of him.

They had a shit load to put that bastard Otis in the chair, but he liked putting the finishing touches on a case like this. He liked being methodical and knowing they’d done they’re best and seeing the results of it.

Speedle felt the rush of air as the door to the lab opened. He glanced up expectantly, frowning as he saw only Calleigh enter. He took the head phones off and clicked the pause button on the stereo.

“Hey, where’s Kate?” the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Calleigh closed the door behind her, immediately heading to the pictures on the board across from him, and taking each one of them down.

“I took her home; she wasn’t very well on the way back. I had to pull over to let her throw up. The poor things been running on empty ever since we started this case.” Calleigh remarked, as she began sorting the photographs trying to get them into some form of order.

Speedle tapped his pencil against the table before speaking.

“She ok?”

Calleigh glanced at him over her shoulder, studying him before taking down another set of photographs.

“To be honest I’m not sure. You’ve noticed how tired she is recently right?”

“Who hasn’t? I caught Delko sneaking her more coffee after H banned her from drinking anymore because it would fuck up her stomach.” Speed told Calleigh rubbing his hands on his face.

“She’s having trouble sleeping at the minute; I think part of it’s from the fire. She won’t take sleeping pills in case she doesn’t wake up. She’s been having nightmares too… She mentioned them at the bar the other night. Saying that it took a lot of alcohol to get her to open up.”

“She was never like this before…” Tim stated, running his hands through his hair and sighing deeply, wondering what the hell he should do.

“U.C messes with people’s minds…There’s probably a lot of things Kate’s seen that she hasn’t told a single soul and stuff like that is hard to deal with. Imagine six years of keeping your mouth shut and then suddenly been thrown back into this environment. It’s gotta be tough.” Calleigh murmured to herself, as she analysed one of the photographs in front of her, before reaching take taking it down.

“It can’t be easy for her coming back here and working with you either.” Calleigh added, turning to face him as she shuffled the pictures so they were straight as she tucked them into the brown manila folder.

“I’m trying to make that as easy as possible for her but its not easy for me either, you know, she broke my heart.” Speed snarked.

Calleigh raised her eyes to his. Speed turned his head away, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What am I supposed to do Calleigh? Just forget about it? It’s hard for me too.” Speed tilted his head towards Calleigh looking for an answer.

“I’m just saying right now she needs somebody, and you used to be that somebody. I know you two have a difficult past, but can’t you just put it aside for one night?” Calleigh pleaded.

Speed stared at her long and hard as she started to pout at him, before picking up his head phones and replacing them over his ears.

“I’ll think about it.” He told her before pressing the play button to drown out the bundle of confusion inside him.

I was lying on my side on the couch still fully clothed, my arms wrapped around myself as I watched Everyone Loves Raymond. It was a rerun but right now it was the only thing keeping my mind off the dead children.

I felt my eye lids begin to flutter closed. I was trying to keep them open but Raymond’s voice was soothing. Sleep was inevitable really…

A sudden hard knocking on the front door jerked me wide awake, heart pounding in my chest as I put a hand against my rib cage to calm myself. The pounding came again, scaring the shit out of me. I wasn’t expecting company tonight. My gaze went to my gun along with my badge in a pile on the coffee table. I snatched up my gun, flicking the safety off and heading towards the door.

I rose on my tip toes, glancing through the peephole before clicking the safety back on and opening the door.

Tim was standing there, sunglasses covering his eyes, light denim jacket thrown over his broad shoulders. His eyes were on the gun clutched tightly in my hand before straying to my face.

“Paranoid much?” he responded, taking his sun glasses off.

“It’s an old habit.” I informed him wearily, setting the gun down on the table next to the door.

Tim bowed his head nodding and biting his lip.

“You wanna go for a ride or something?” he asked tentatively.

I frowned, not seeing a car in the immediate area instead a gleaming yellow Ducati. I find myself smiling despite myself. I grabbed my brown corduroy jacket and slipped it over my shoulders as I darted past him and towards the bike.

I ran my hand over its shiny ridges before looking up at him as he strode towards me grinning, watching as I did it.

“Is this baby yours?” I purred as Tim replaced his sunglasses.

Tim simply nodded, before climbing onto the bike and patting the leather seat behind him.

“And you called me the risk taker.” I remarked, slipping into the seat behind him.

“I like to ride without a helmet, you like to flirt with mobsters, there’s a difference.” He informed me as I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist.

My whole body was pressed against him. I felt Tim relax against me as he settled into my grip, his hand on the throttle.

“You ready?” he asked, glancing over my shoulder.

“You ever have a passenger before?” I asked as he kick started the engine.

“Gotta say you’re my first.” He told me, making my heart pound harder in my chest.

“You kill me Tim Speedle and I will haunt your ass.” I warned him.

“Don’t you trust me?” he chuckled.

I hesitated before answering, my chin resting on his shoulder.

“With my life.” I answered honestly.

Tim said nothing in return. He simply revved the engine as I buried my face in his back.

“I’ll start off slow.” He promised.

“You know the way I like it Mr Speedle.” I replied, simply enjoying the feel of his body against mine.

“You are so inappropriate.” He muttered, revving the engine for a second time.

“Just the way you like it.” I teased before he kicked off and we were speeding along the road, wind in our hair, without a care in the world.

The sun was setting cross the sea as we leaned on the railing that over looked the beach. The mixture of orange, red and yellow looked stunning on the aqua marine water. The air had cooled just enough so make the air chilly.

The silence between us was a comfortable one as we stared out to sea both lost in our own thoughts.

“Why’d you leave Kate?”

His words were sudden, and startling. He didn’t even turn his head towards me as he spoke. I bowed my head and focused on my clasped hands.

“It wasn’t that simple Tim.” I told him, hoping to avoid this but at the same time wanting to tell him so badly it almost hurt.

Tim’s head twisted towards me, his eyes studying the profile of my face.

“Explain it to me.”

“I didn’t want to…It’s just…I’m not even sure how to explain.” I began, trying to formulate the words together. "I never meant to be gone for as long as I was. It was supposed to be a quick in and out job, but things got too complicated and I was in too deep.”

“If it was only meant to be a short time then why go like that? Why write a letter and end it way you did?” Tim questioned.

I rubbed my hands together gently, still pretending to be interested in them.

“There was always that chance I wasn’t going to come back.” I responded.

Tim shook his head before staring out to sea again.

“I looked for you, you know. Even after everything you’d done, moving out of the apartment and leaving that note, I still looked for you. But you were gone; there was no trace of you at all.”

The revelation didn’t surprise me as I knew he expected it to. I knew he’s try to follow. I’d taken steps to ensure he didn’t. Just in case.

“That’s because I wanted there to be no way that I could be traced back to you. If I ever got made I didn’t want the Mob to find out about you, so the FBI made sure there were no tracks for you to follow. Joey was the only one who knew anything about you and they paid him well to keep his mouth shut.” I said dully.

“Was it Joey that got you in?” Tim asked quietly.

I was lost in the thoughts, and the pain that went along with all the memories the whole situation had created. I knew I’d given Tim a hell of a lot of heartache, he deserved the truth.

“That was the original plan. Joey was quite high up in the Family. They wanted me to go in as his wife. Say he got hitched after meeting me at Columbia, whirlwind romance and introduce me as his wife. The Family accepts family straight away it would have been the easy way…”

“But?” Tim pressed.

I let out a deep sigh before continuing.

“Joey wanted a little extra on the side and I’m not talking about money, the perks of marriage he called it. I couldn’t do that, I just…” I raised my eyes skyward for a second. “I’m not that kind of girl and so close after breaking up with you…I just couldn’t so I told the FBI to find another way. They had a guy at a lower level, he brought me in on a job, then boom, I was in.” I confided.

“Joey always did have a thing for you.” Tim commented, as he moved into a more comfortable position, his back against the railing, his elbows resting on the bar on top.

I shrugged.

“Try as he may nothing ever came of it.” I answered Tim’s unspoken question.

“How did they even approach you? There are literally hundreds of candidates, more suited for the job than you, but they picked you. Why you?” he asked, trying to make sense of the situation.

“It’s actually a really awful thing when I think about it but it worked. I apparently resembled Sully Genovese’s dead daughter. I saw a picture once; the resemblance was actually quite striking.”

I did not want to risk glancing at his face; I was scared of what I might see.

“I was handpicked and trained by Raymond Caine to go U.C, because of the way I looked. I was the only person who could do it; at least that’s what he told me. I ended up convinced that it was true…”

“You’re telling me that Horatio’s brother, that Raymond Caine, took you a side and demanded you go U.C because you looked like the dead daughter of a Mob boss.” Tim stated slowly, trying to take the whole thing in.

“That’s pretty much how it went down.” I confirmed.

I twisted my head to meet Tim’s doe brown eyes.

“I wanted to come back so badly you know. I used to lie awake at night, wondering what the hell you were doing, if you were happy…”

His lips were on mine, demanding and urging. His hand was in my hair pulling me hard against him. I melted into that kiss, his tongue seeking out mine as heat rushed through me. My hands were moving by their own accord, grasping his shirt and yanking him even closer so I could feel him lean and firm against me, making me moan into his mouth.

As quickly it had started, it was over again. I found myself surprised and breathless as Tim stepped away mid kiss, the look on his face was one I rarely remembered seeing. I knew he was withdrawing back into himself, drawing up his walls again, blocking me out.

“I think we better get back.” Tim said gruffly, crossing his arms over his chest.

I swallowed hard, before nodding.

“Sure, whatever you want.” I uttered, as he climbed onto the bike.

As I slipped on behind him, I wondered if there was a chance in hell that he would ever forgive me.

“Thanks for the ride…” I said softly fiddling with my keys in the open doorway as he stood before me. “Do you wanna come in or something? I mean we can watch TV.”

Tim let out a deep sigh, toying with the sun glasses in his hands. His gaze was on something in the distance. He was conflicted, I knew it and he knew it.

“Kate, I don’t really think…”

“I just don’t want to be alone.” I whispered. “I keep seeing their faces…”

I turned my face away so he couldn’t see the tears I knew were welling in my eyes. I clenched my jaw tightly trying to stem the emotion aching in my chest.

“I’ll take the couch.” He said quietly, reaching out and stroking the hair from my face.

I nodded, as his fingertips brushed away the tears that were trailing down my cheeks.

“Kate…I’m sorry.”

I was in his arms, and I was breaking down. My face was buried in his chest as I clutched his shirt in my hands. His arms were wrapped around me, holding me tightly against him. My chest was heaving, as he whispered soothing words in my ear, his hand caressing my hair as his lips brushed my hair line.

“I am so sorry Kate, for not being there. I wanted to so badly…” he murmured.

I could hear the sincerity in his voice as I raised my head to meet the terrible sadness in his beautiful brown eyes.

“You’re here now and right now I just need you to hold me and tell me everything’s going to ok.” I told him softly.

Tim’s warm hands were on my shoulders now, rubbing up and down my arms soothingly as he spoke.

“Whatever you need Kate.”

The ringing was loud and instant snapping him out of the deep sleep he’d been lulled into. Something was tickling his face. He pulled back slightly, looking down at the Kate as she lay on her side, her face pressed into the nape of his neck, her fully clothed body entangled in his, under the blanket they shared on the couch.

The TV was still blaring at a low volume in the background, showing something he didn’t recognise. The last thing he remembered was some kind of lawyer show called Boston Legal.

His phone was ringing again; he managed to slip it out of his back pocket without making much movement, so not to wake up Kate, who was already mumbling in her sleep.

“Speedle.” He answered quietly without checking the caller I.D.

Kate was shifting in her sleep, snuggling closer against him, her breath tickled his neck, causing him to let out a blissful sigh as his arm wrapped around her body, trying to make her feel as safe and secure as possible.

The voice on the other end surprised him, and he found himself wishing he hadn’t answered at all.

“Megan, I’m busy.” he stated firmly in a low tone.

Megan was arguing with him now, trying to persuade him to come over. She needed him.

“You don’t need me.” He said. “You need somebody, anybody. It was never me you needed.”

She was pleading now, begging and that was becoming annoying because the truth was, the person who genuinely needed him was curled up in his arms right now and she was beginning to stir.

“I told you I’m busy. Don’t call me again, not for this.” He hung up, switching his phone onto silent and off vibrate.

Kate was mumbling again now about the phone call, still half a sleep, her body warm and soothing against him.

“Shh.” He whispered, pressing his lips to her forehead. “Go back to sleep.”

Kate nodded, her soft cheek pressed against his. He could feel her heart beating against his chest, and remembered how he relished moments like this.

Moments where everything felt right again.

A few little thank you’s to go out there to my homies.

Thank you to Mauveine for giving me this wonderful song, and for betaing. She also gave me a little more help with the chapter.

Thank you to Browneyedgirl75 for giving me a little help along the way.

And of course Thank you the readers, without you there wouldn’t be a story.

R&R please, my muse loves the reviews!

Photogirl: I’m glad I’m still keeping you with me, I thought I’d lost you for a minute back there!

Lapland: lmao! Thanks so much! The snarkiness came to me as I was writing it, she just hates the Hamilton’s because she knew what Drake did all those years ago and in the episode they lay it on pretty thick. I keep dropping in more background on each chapter so it makes sense and it’s not too overwhelming for a reader. I am glad you like it.

Mauveine: I always look forward to getting your reviews, because their so detailed. I didn’t want to make Tim give in too easily because I can pretty much see him holding onto it for a while. He still cares for her and it was hard to get that balance. I think she is everyone’s least fav char lol. I wanted to show Megan’s and Tim’s relationship, but not a huge factor just the idea that there was one and it was pretty one sided. Lol The Hamilton’s was a complete surprise, I had a few lines I was toying with and then suddenly I’d written that exchange and was like she is a bad girl! Trust me about the locker room thing, they so wanted to kiss, I was having trouble not writing them doing it, I wanted to show the emotions was there but their both very, very weary of each other.

Blue: lol you can bake me brownies if you want, I do like then or a cake, oh how abut a cheesecake. Lol sorry I went off on cheesecake fantasies for a little there. Yea it was Megan I know you were being hopeful, wishing it wasn’t and all but it did happen but your ok, he broke it off. It has taken me days to write this chapter lol and it’s been hard s hell but I’m glad I got it finished.

Maddy: lol I always get that nagging feeling when I’m watching the first ten eps that there was a little something there, and I just expanded on it a little. There’s a hell of a lot of background to put in, hence why you learn something new in ever chapter. I’m glad you liked the chapter.

Brown: lol I thought Fenwick was but Bernstein happens to be the hot detective, if we’re talking about the guy from Grave Young Men who Alison is flirting with at the beginning. I so wanted to smack that chick. Lmao! Leave him alone you bully he’s still hurting deep inside lol. Seriously tho hun, if that was me, I’d be like Clothes! Off! Now! Lol the havoc we’d cause owning CBS! You made me blush with your first comments. Thank you so much!